Just One Night
by ravenmoon36
Summary: Kate and Sawyer find themselves on hatch duty together. The discovery of Dharma Brand Whiskey leads to some interesting truths and situations...rated for later chapters. A story I began in 2006 and have been writing since.
1. Chapter 1

Kate pushes open the hatch door, putting all her weight into it. As soon as she gets it open she is hit with loud music, but not what she would usually have expected to hear Hurley playing. She frowned and chuckled to herself, since when did Hurley start listening to classical music? She went further into the hatch, going to dump her backpack on the kitchen counter but stopped dead in her tracks when she looked at the figure sitting on the couch. It was Sawyer. Sitting with his head leaning back against the couch, his eyes closed and his legs sprawled out infront of him, looking the perfect picture of relaxation. Kates puzzlement quickly turned to amusement at the fact that Sawyer of all people was here, listening to classical music. She turned around and put her backback down on the counter with a deliberate 'thump' causing Sawyer's eyes to fly open, and for him to sit bolt upright. When he saw Kate staring at him in obvious amusement, he grinned.

"Well, howdy Freckles. It aint nice to sneak up on people ya know," he said with his usual grin.

Kate rolled her eyes, "So whats the deal with the music Sawyer? Wouldn't have picked you for a classical music fan," she said teasing him.

"I'm not, in general anyway," he gets up off the couch in that lazy, but graceful manner of his, and swaggers towards her, "just like the Reqiem, Mozart's I mean, used to work out to it, especially this song, back home. Nice and relaxing," he walks closer to her and stands infront of her looking down into her eyes, "aint it dramatic, gets the blood pumping," leans over to whisper in her ear, "sends shivers down your spine." He looks back at her and grins takes a few steps back and leans next to her against the counter. As usual, Kate tries to hide the effect standing that close to him produces in her, she had to try and supress shivering herself when he whispered in her ear. Why did she find this guy so damned irrisitable sometimes, there were pleanty of reasons why she should avoid him like the plague, especially after that stunt he pulled with the guns, she was still secretly glad that he was here, rather than Hurley. Except with Hurley she didn't have to be in her guard all the time, trying to ignore the thoughts that went on when she was around him, why did he make her want to drop all the guards and inhibitions so badly? It scared her, so she tried her best to keep them erected at all times, although sometimes that proved difficult, especially when the southener had the uncanny nack of seeing through her act most of the time.

"Freckles, you're thinking very hard about something," Sawyer remarked, "care to share/"

"I was just trying to place this song, " Kate replied, she turned to face him, "Dies Irae right?" She grinned at the look on his face

"Well well well, you're just full of suprises Freckles. I wouldn't have exactly picked you for a classical music fanatic either."

"Im not, " she retorted, "I did a concert of a few songs from the Requiem in high school, its a pretty distinctive song, was the one I liked the best." She shrugs and looks away, "So wheres Hurley anyway? Didn't figure I'd see you down here any time soon, thought this place creeps you out?"

"Hell babe, it does! How can big hunk of metal underground in the middle of the jungle filled with modern convieniences and a damned mysery button we gotta press every 108 minutes not freak anyone out!"

"Good point, but I guess we've got used to ... unusual things on this island."

"Aint that the truth!" Sawyer replied ironically, "Anyways, Hurley comes up to me, practically begging me to take his shift, damn guy wouldn't leave me alone, said he's asked everyone, but they all had better things to do. Seems like old Staypuff had a little plan going on with Moonbeam, I rekon he thought he might get lucky, so I figured, why the hell not, its not like I've got anything better do to, might as well go get me a shower or something," he turns his head to glance at her, "If I'd known you'd be joining me I might have said yes a little quicker. Tell me something Freckles, does the good doctor know you're down here, by yourself, with the big bad wolf?"

Kate rolled her eyes, "I'm a big girl Sawyer, I can take care of myself," she glances back at him, "plus i think I know I can handle you."

Sawyer wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and grins so hard he shows his dimples, "Hell girl, you know you can handle me any time you want, all you gotta do is ask."

Kate walked away from him shaking her head, but grinning when he couldn't see it, damn, this was gonna be a long 6 hours.

Sawyer laughed to himself, he liked the way he could get her all riled up, and loved the way she tried to hide it from him.

"Well Freckles, I dunno about you, but I'm getting hungry, gonna check out what food they got in this hunk of metal," he began to walk towards the store room, then turned around, and raised one eybrow at her, "you fancy any Freckles?" he asked innocently.

Kate laughed, "No thanks Sawyer, I aint hungry for what you got," she replied.

Sawyer shook his head, before going into the store room, "Well aint you the sassy one."

Kate heard the timer go off and headed towards the button and typed in the numbers and watched the timer flick back to 108, it always made her uneasy whenever she did that. Suddenly she heard an "Oh yeah!" come from the direction of the store room. She frowned and headed over there, wondering what Sawyers found thats got him so excited. He came swaggering out of the store room looking like christmas had come early.

"Looky what I found Freckles!" he exclaimed, and held up a large bottle. She read the lable, 'Dharma Brand Whiskey.' Was there anything these guys didn't make?

"Don't you think we should give that to Jack?" she asked.

"Why? Old mopey don't seem like the drinking type."

"Not for drinking, to use in a medical situation."

"Oh, " Sawyer thought for a moment, "Don't he have a load of swanky medicle suppiles from this place anyway. If I remember correctly he poared a whole load of it on my shoulder, stang like a sonofabitch. Come on Freckles don't look like that, we're gonna have ourselves a party!"

She laughed and shook her head. Sawyer was right, Jack had got some disinfectants from the hatch, so he probablly didn't need to use liquor anymore, but...she still felt a twinge on guilt. She looked over and saw Sawyer open the bottle and pour a generous amount in two glasses. She sighed and went over and picked one up. Sawyer lifted the glass, raised it to her in a toast and then downed the contents. He placed the glass back down on the counter, coughing in the process, the liquor obviously burning slightly on the way down.

"Well, it may be harsh, but it's better than nothing," he said, re-filling his glass. As he did this Kate downed hers, deliberately trying not to react to it. She swallowed, fought the urge to cough, and held her glass out to him, which he filled up.

"Damn Freckles, should'a figured a girl like you could hold their drink," he said, amsued and impressed at the same time. "So, what'cha want to do now?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, I'm changing this music for a start, theres only so much classical music a person can take," she replied walking over to the record player and flicking through the records, "any suggestions?"

Sawyer downed his drink again and began to fill his glass back up, "Ladies choice," he replied grinning, he looks at her glass, "come on now Freckles, if you aint careful you're gonna have to play catch up," he said while filling her glass up higher. Kate looked over at him.

"You trying to get me drunk Sawyer? Anyway, you really think its a great idea drinking so much if we've got to press that button for the next 6 hours?"

"Well I dunno about you Freckles, but I can handle my drink, I could drink this whole bottle myself and still be able to push the damned mystery button. But lucky for me I got you to share it with me," he picks up the bottle and puts it under his arm, and picks up both their glasses and goes over to put them on the table near the sofa and sits himself down, "You worry too much Freckles."

Kate just looks at him and puts a record on, and sits down in the chair opposite the sofa and takes a sip of her drink.

"Patsy Cline, ay Freckles, should'a figured you'd be a country girl," Sawyer said smirking.

Kate smiled, "What about you Sawyer, what music do you like, other than Mozart, that is?"

"This turning into another one of our question and answer sesions Freckles, cos if so, lets make it more interesting," Sawyer said with a wicked grin.

Kate thought back to the last game they played, sitting my the fire in the middle of the woods. It suprised her how easy he was to talk to, she found herself telling him things that she hadn't told anyone in a long time. She remebered the way he looked into her eyes when he said 'I never killed a man' and the way her pulse sped up, deciding whether to drink or not. maybe it was the daring look in his eyes, or maybe she just wanted to let someone in for once. She drank, watched his face for any hint of shock. there was none, almost as if he had known all along. Then, he drank too, and she knew she had met someone who would never judge her. She drew herself out of these thoughts and replied "What, you wanna play 'I never' again, cos I'm sure not playing strip poker or something!"

Sawyer pretended to be offended, "You just think my minds always in the gutter, don't you."

Kate laughed, "Yeah, and don't try and deny it!"

"Yeah, well, being stranded on a damned island for over 2 months with no one to warm your bed at night will do that to a man Freckles. And we can't play strip poker anyway, don't have any cards."

"Well, what are you suggesting?"

Sawyer downs the rest of his drink and thinks for a moment. "What about truth or dare," Sawyer said grinning.

Kate frowned, "Oh, thats original Sawyer," she said sarcastically, "And I'm not sure I trust what you'd make me do for a dare," she said raising her eyebrows.

"I'll be on my best behaviour," he replies, kate just looks at him, "what, you don't believe me! Fine, you get 3 vetos, for truth and dare, theres something you don't wanna answer or do, you have three chances to pass them by. Sound fair?"

Kate shakes her head, "Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna regret this."

Sawyer smiled at the fact she was gonna play and watched as she unscrewed the bottle and filled both their glasses up, right to the top. "Woah, there Freckles, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to get me drunk!"

Kate shoock her head and smiled, "You wish."

Sawyer chuckled to himself and took a sip of his drink, "Ladies first."

Kate takes a big gulp of her drink. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," Sawyer replied.

Kate thought for a moment. "You ever worn make up?"

Sawyer looks at her frowning, "What kinda a question is that?"

"Hey, its not easy starting these games off! Just answer the question!"

"Yeah, okay."

Kate bursts out laughing. "I knew it! Worn make up and worn pink, if I didn't know any better I'd start questioning your sexuality."

Sawyer looks slightly offended, "Well Freckles, if you're in doubt of my sexual orientation, there are may things I could do to show you the error of your ways," he said teasingly.

Kate tried to ignore the way his comment made her pulse quicken, and replied, "So why were you wearing make up Sawyer?"

"Lets just say a lady friend of mine was into some kinky stuff and leave it at that shall we Freckles.

Kate just laughed. "Your turn," she said downing her drink and going to fill it back up, noticing they had almost got through half the bottle.

"Truth or Dare?"

"Truth," she replied.

"Wheres the most interesting place you've had sex?" he asked with that wicked grin of his back on his face.

"I'm not answering that," she replied smiling.

"Remember Freckles, you only got 3 chances not to answer, you don't think I could do any worse?"

She rolled her eyes, and thought she must be getting drunk if she was actually going to answer his question, "Up a tree."

Sawyer raises his eyebrows, "Jeeze girl, that must have been tricky, so exactly how did you end up haveing sex up a tree?"

Kate just grinned, "I'm not telling you that. Plus its not your turn. Same question?"

Sawyer thinks for a while, "a museum."

Kate laughs, "A museum? Let me guess, girlfriend work there or something? Or did the urge just take you when you were looking at all those dinosaurs or whatever." Kate begins to laugh again. Sawyer frowns at the figure of Kate laughing hysterically opposite him. 'Thought she could handle her drink,' he thought to himself. He fills up his glass, choosing not to top up hers. Kate supresses her laughter and holds her glass out to him.

"Don't you think you should slow down a bit Freckles, you don't have to try and keep up with me, being a woman and all," he replied jokingly.

Kate looked offended and reached over to punch him playfully on the arm. "I told you, I can handle my drink Sawyer," she replied and takes the bottle off him and fills up her own glass.

Sawyer held up his hands, "Okay Sassafras. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Favourite subject at school?"

Kate frowns at him, "That's a bit tame for you isn't it?"

Sawyer just shrugs and takes a gulp of his drink.

"Art, photography mainly. What about you?"

"English." Kate stares at him, expecting it to be chemistry or somehing because he could try and blow things up. "So that explains all the reading then."

"Like I said before, I'm a complicated man sweetheart. Your turn."

"Truth or Dare?"

Sawyer pauses for a moment, "Truth."

Kate grins and puts her drink down on the table, which Sawyer notices is already finished. "What's the most embarassing thing thats ever happened to you during sex?"

Sawyer, raises his eyebrows. "That's a bit racey for you Freckles."

"Let's just say i have a hunch it's gonna be amusing."

Sawyer downed his drink, "This women I was with accidently headbutted me and knocked herself out," he grins, "only she'd hancuffed me to the bed, hands and feet. So shes lying there bleeding all over me from her head, and I can't move to check if shes alright, so I have to lie there and yell for help, we're in a hotel room ya see. After about 5 minutes of me yelling, a hotel maid comes in, surveys the scene, me, butt naked handcuffed to the bed with an equally naked women unconscious lying on top of me, with blood eveywhere, and she starts screaming with the door wide open. So then loads of people run into the room wondering what the matter is, leaving me lying there trying to explain," he looks away slightly embarrassed, "not my finest moment."

He stares at Kate who is sitting there with her mouth wide open in disbelief. Suddenly she starts laughing uncontrollably, so hard she almpst falls off the seat.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up freckles," Sawyer says, but this just makes her laugh even harder. Sawyer sits there watching her laugh hysteically, the alcohol obviously having an effect on her. He was starting to feel the effects himself, feeling kind of fuzzy and relaxed, funny how alcohol can either make him feel wonderful, or feel like sh!t. He ignored the little voice in his head that said he might be feeling good because of the hysterically laughing women sitting in front of him. God, she was so beautiful when she smiled, it lit up her whole face. her hair had begin to come loose, and he watches her pull out the hair band, letting her hair cascade down her shoulders and back, framing her face with a mass of brown curls. He wondered what it would feel like, to run his hands through her hair, pulling her towards him and ...he shook his head trying to stop that particular train of thought. 'Why do you keep torturing yourself,' he thought to himself. Kate had finally stopped laughing and was staring at him.

"What's on your mind cowboy?" she asked, only slightly slurring her words.

Sawyer came out of his reverie. "Just trying to think of a question to rival yours Freckles." He thinks for a moment, while refilling their glasses, noticing just how much liquor they had already got through. There was so much he wanted to ask her, but he knew this wasn't the night for harsh truths, and their long and tormented stories. This night was about fun, it was as if they were both trying to forget their pasts for the night, what they've done, what they've been through. sawyer noticed that kate was staring at him looking slightly worried. he wondered if she was afraid of what he was going to ask her. He could tell that she wasn't ready to talk about any of that other stuff. Funny how he could almost always read her expression.

"Truth or dare?"

Kate thinks for a moment, "Dare," she says grinning.

"Oh this should be good," Sawyer replied, "Hmm, now what can I make you do freckles?" he says, leaning back as if in deep thought.

"Hey, just remember I've got 3 vetos, so don't you be getting any filthy ideas!"

"Well, if I can't make you do anything filthy, I'll just have to give you a challenge!" he said, dramtically. "I challenge you to, lie upside down on that chair and drink that whole glass of whiskey backwards!"

Kate laughed, "That's easy!" she said confidently, not really realising just how drunk she was getting. She places her drink on the table and swivels around so her feet are where her head was and her head is hanging off the chair. She giggles at the sight of sawyer looking upside down looking very amused at her. As she grapples for her drink sawyer wonders if this was such a great idea, or if she was going to fall off the cahir and bash her head or something.

"You okay freckles?" he asked.

"I'm fine thank you," Kate answers indignantly, as she reached out again for her drink, which is just out of her reach she her feet fall forward and she almost flips herself of the cahir. Sawyer smirked and placed his own drink down on the table and went to kneel down next to her, just incase.

"Ya know you can veto this dare if you want freckles," he said staring down at her.

She bursts out laughing, "You know you look funny upside down Sawyer."

Sawyer grins, "Are you drunk freckles?"

"No!" Kate replies, "Maybe a little bit, don't tell me you're not! You're not that much of a hard case!"

"Im not the one giggling babe."

"Just pass me the drink will you," Kate replied, "all the blood is rushing to my head." sawyer passes her her drink and she places it against her lips and tries to drink it, she manages a bit, but then she coughs and spilt some of it on her face. She sits herself up the right way, laughing, feeling slightly embarassed. "Well, I half did it anyway!" she said to a very amused looking sawyer, and tried to wipe some of it off her face.

"Congratulations freckles," he says and before he realised what he was doing he had leant over and wiped the remaining drink from her face with the cuff of his shirt, slightly letting his fingers trail down her face. When he touched her, kate looked up and found herself looking straight into his eyes. She knew she was drunk, but she wasn't too drunk, she still had control. As his fingers lightly touched her face she closed her eyes and leaned in slightly to the feel of his fingers on her face. sawyer noticed this with a shock. was it the drink or was she actually enjoying him touching her. 'What are you doing!!' he thought to himself, and drew away.

He smiled at her, "All better Freckles," he said. "It's your turn anyway."

Kate just looked at him, it always suprised her when this tender side of sawyer came out, she'd only seen it a few times since she'd met him, but it always suprised her. It always seemed such a contrast to his usual behaviour, yet somehow totally fitting.

"Truth or dare," she said quietly, looking staright into his eyes from where he was still kneeling beside her chair.

"Dare."

The song changed on the record, it was Kate's favourite.

"Dance with me."


	3. Chapter 3

Sawyer just stared at her and his pulse began to speed up. 'Did she really just ask me to dance with her?' He thought.

"You serious Freckles?" he asked warily.

"Yeah," she said smiling, noticing how awkward he looked all of a sudden "whats the matter? You too chicken, or have you just got two left feet?" There was a little voice in her head telling her, 'do you really think this is such a great idea? How do you know you arent going to loose control and ravage him or something. Do you really want to get this close to him? But she pushed that voice away, 'they were playing a game' she thought to herself. What harm can dancing do. Plus part of her just wanted a chance to get that close to him.

"Well, it aint in my nature to pass up a dare," he replied, his smile plastered back on his face, although he kept thinking, 'this is not a good idea, do you really think you can get that close to her and not do anything about it?' But part of him just wanted to do it anyway. maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just the nature of the evening. Tonight, he could almost forget that they were on this craphole island, and about all the stuff that had gone on between them, tonight it was as if they were just a guy and a girl, enjoying each others company. Plus there was nothing he would rather do at that moment than have an excuse to touch her.

He got up and downed the remainder of his drink and placed the glass on the table, and held out his hand to Kate to help her up off the chair. Kate smiled and took it but as she stood up she had trouble standing and fell into him.

"Woah there Freckles, you sure you're up to this. Ya don't see to be able to stand up straight," he said grinning.

"You sure you're not just looking for an excuse not to do your dare," she asked teasingly, regaining her balance, "'cos you know its rude for a gentleman to turn a lady down when shes asked you to dance."

"Well I aint no gentleman sweetheart, but I never pass up a challenge." They moved to the clear space of floor and stood infront of each other. Kate stood there looking at Sawyer, who was thinking 'why do I feel so damned nervous, we're only gonna dance!' He closed the distance between them and put his hand on her waist and took her hand in his, deliberately leaving a gap between them. When he took her hand in his, Kate felt a shiver travel through her body. 'Why did it always feel so good when she touched him?' She put her other hand on his shoulder, and they began to move in time to the music, easily being able to follow each others movements.

"Shame we aint dancing to Mozart, Freckles. Then i would have been able to waltz you around the room," he said, looking donw at her.

Kate laughed, "You're seriously telling me you can waltz Sawyer?" Kate asked incredulously.

Sawyer just grinned, beginning to relax again as they continued dancing, "I'm a many of many telents sweethearts, see" he said as he began to dance her around the room in a mock waltz. kate just laughed, trying to keep up with him. He slowed them down again to the pace of the music.

"Told'ya," he said looking pleased with himself.

"I'm impressed," she replied smiling, "any other hidden talents I should know about?"

Sawyer laughed, "None I think you'd appreciated hearing about now freckles," she chuckled an shook her head, "but maybe one day I'll get to show you," he said quietly, and she looked up into his heated stare, and as they danced they began to move closer together.

Kate was suddenly highly aware of the pressure of his hand on her hip, mostly touching the exposed skin between her tank top and her pants, just as she was aware of how she was touching the bare skin of his neck where her hand was resting. Suddenly the song ended and a slow paced song started. Neither of them said anything, but they adjusted the rhythm of their dancing to fit, neither of them wanting to stop. Sawyer closed his eyes. He knew this woman was going to be the undoing of him. Never had a woman make him feel so out of control, he had such a strong urge to bridge the small gap between them, to run his hand down her ass where it was dangerously hovering. The feel of her bare skin against his fingertips where his hand was resting was intoxicating and he began to lightly caress that little area of skin with his fingertips. Kate closed her eyes and took an intake of breath, how can one small movement give her such a strong reaction. Sawyer couldn't help but grin upon seeing her reaction. Kate noticed this and smiled herself. 'He was enjoying seeing her reaction was he? Well two can play at this game,' she thought.

She moved her hand upwards until it was resting compleately on the bare skin of his neck, her fingers trailing under his hair at the back of his neck. She lightly ran her fingernails down the back of his neck, playing with the hair there. Sawyer barely repressed a shudder, and she noticed this with satisfaction. Sawyer just raised his eyebrows at her and grinned back, looking straight into her eyes and he began to run his hand slowly, inch by inch up her back, under her shirt in wide circles, also drawing her closer to him, never taking his gaze off her face. Kate felt as if electricity was running up her spine and she shut her eyes. Sawyer released her hand which he was holding and placed this in the same position as his other hand. 'God, she feels so good,' he thought to himself and he kneaded her back, pressing harder this time. Her skin was so soft, and he could feel all the tiny hairs on her back standing up. As he released her hand Kate placed it on his neck with her other hand, but not before running her free hand up his chest, enjoying the feeling of all that hard muscle, and smiling when she felt his nipple harden under her touch. At least her touch seemed to be having the same reaction and his did. Almost involtunarily they moved closer together until their chests were touching. Sawyer rested his cheek against the top of her head, breathing in, relishing the smell of her, trying to ingore to feel of her breasts pressed against his chest. Kate's face was dangerously close to his neck, and she breathed in the smell of him, leaning in closer until her lips brushed his neck, and she couldn't stop herself becoming intoxicated. He tasted of whiskey, salt and sweat and she found herself licking her lips. She felt Sawyer tense up as she did this. 'Was she trying to drive him crazy?' he thought, trying to hang on to what was left of his self control. He felt her brush his neck with her lips again and he let out a soft growl and removed his hands from her top, running them up her bare arms, making her shiver, and mirrored the position of her own hands at his neck, pulling her head back so he could look into her eyes.

What he saw terrified and sent a wave of lust through him at the same time. Her eyes conveyed the same raw need as his. Kate looked into his eyes which gaized into hers with such a feral raw passion that she had to shut hers. They moved closer until their forheads were resting against each other, their lips barely and inch apart. She could feel his hot breath against her face, and she was fighting with the urge to close that last distance between them. Suddenly the remeberance of their last kiss flashed into her mind, how suprised she was at how good it felt, the bolt of electricity that had run through her body. 'This is how it must feel,' Sawyer thought, 'to stand on the edge of a cliff. The fight to stay there, against the dangerous urge just to jump, to risk it all, just for that rush of adrenaline, even though you know it will lead to disaster.' Nothing good could come out of this, them being together. He'd fought so hard to prevent this from happening, the con with the guns, anything he could do to prevent him from being this close to her. They'd be no good for each other, both so damaged, both so stubborn. What good could come of this? Yet there she was, her body pressed to close to his, the feel of her under his hands, the caress of her breath on his neck, making him want to close that distance so badly to drink in her taste and her smell with his lips and his hands, that it was almost painful. Kate felt as if she was drowning. All she could feel was him, and the rhythm of their bodies, the feel of him so close, the way he enveloped her with his body, making her feel so fragile, yet protected.

She knew what she wanted to do. "Truth or dare," she whispered against his lips.

Sawyers eyes flew open and he stared at her, noticing her determined impression. "Dare," he whispered back, his heart thumping.

"Kiss me."


	4. Chapter 4

Before he could think it through Sawyer bridged that last gap between them. He kissed her tenderly at first, his hands cupping her cheeks. Then it became deeper more intense and he felt the delicious wetness of her tounge inside his mouth. Her hands had become tangled in his hair and he drew her to him, so every inch of their body was touching. The kiss became more intense and as Sawyer gently nibbled on her lower lip, Kate let out an involutanry moan. 'Their last kiss was good, but this was explosive' she thought. 'He'd been tied up before, and she was the one in control, but now she was encircled by his arms and could feel his hands on her body, and it felt so good, better than anything had felt for a long time. They were no longer dancing, just standing there kissing as if they would devour each other. Kate felt herself move them backwards until he was pressing her against the kitchen counter. She ran her hands down Sawyer chest, going inside his top and doing something which she had wanted to since she had seen him emerge from the sea naked, she ran her hands up and down the smooth expanse of his chest, loving the hardness of his muscles under her touch. Sawyer groaned into her mouth and lifted her by the waist on the counter, never breaking their kiss, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Suddenly Sawyer realised what he was doing. He fought so hard to push back the desire that was running through every inch of his body, struggling to try and regain some of his self control. 'She's drunk you idiot,' he was saying to himself, 'how do you think shes going to feel when she sobers up and realises what she's done, and its you who will get the blame. Did you really think that she wanted you? She had to be drunk to get this close to you willingly.' he listened to these voices, tried to use them to push back his fierce desire for her. 'How could this just be the drink though,' he thought, 'this intensity has been building the whole time they have been on this damned island.' 'If you have sex with her now, it's going to be nothing more than rape sawyer,' he told himself. And that thought dampened his lust slightly, enabling him to draw away from the delicious feel of her mouth on his.

"Freckles," he murmered, drawing away. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with longing. it killed him to see that look in her eye, and it being directed at him. 'It's the alcohol remeber,' he told himself. "Well, babe that was some dare," he said huskily. trying to regain his senses.

Kate just looked at him, the longing in her eyes turning to pain. 'Was he really rejecting her? Of all the people she never dreamed that he would refuse her. Why does he not want her? Has it all been a game?' Sawyer saw the pain in her eyes and grimiced. 'Why were things always so complicated with her?'

He brushed a lock of her hair out of her face, "It's not that I don't want to freckles," he appreciately let his gaze travel down her body. "I have wanted this so badly for so long." 'Was he really telling her all this?' he thought to himself. "But you're drunk babe, hell we're both drunk, and once we do this, I aint sure if theres any coming back. I don't want you waking up in the morning regretting this Freckles, if we ever get to do this, even if its just the once, I want it to be...right." He looked down at her, feeling awkward.

At first Kate couldn't believe that it was Sawyer telling her these things, that he had actually passed up the chance, maybe the only chance he'd ever get with sleeping with her, just because she was a bit drunk? Yeah, she was drunk, pleasently so. Would she have initiated what just happened without the help of alcohol. Probablly not, but she knew what she was doing, she wanted it, wanted him. She wasn't thinking too far ahead, or the implications of what it might mean with their rela...well with whatever the hell they had, all she knew was that tonight...everything felt different somehow. Like the island, their pasts didn't exist. It was only them, only giving into what they both needed, what they both wanted. How could she make him understand that? Make him understand that anything he does to her she wants, and it wont be taking advantage.

She looked with amusement at Sawyer's pained expression. 'it must have been very hard for him to stop,' she thought, 'maybe he is a gentleman after all.' She just smiled at him and kissed his cheek not saying a word and hopped off the counter. "I think we could both do with another drink, don't you?" she said walking over to the table and refilling their glasses, the bottle almost empty now. Sawyer was just standing in the same place, trying to work out what the hell was going on inside her head. She sauntered over to him and gave him his glass and he watched as she downed hers in one mouthful and laughed at the fact he was frowning at her.

"How many times do I have to tell you sawyer, I can handle my drink!" she said in response to his expression. She placed her glass on the counter, getting un-necessarily close to him in the process, making his pulse quicken. Then she grinned up at him and turned around heading into another room.

"Hey! Where are ya going Freckles?" Sawyer asked.

She just turned her head and grinned at him. "I don't know about you but I could do with a cold shower," she said and turned around in the direction of the bathroom, as she went around the cornerm, sawyer could already see her beginning to take off her top. sawyer sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. 'This women is definetly gonna kill me,' he thought as he downed the remainder of his drink and headed towards the bathroom. 'What are you doin?' he thought to himself, 'you gonna barge in on her in the shower, sure thats going to go down well!' 'then again, she'll probablly slip over and crack her head open or something,' and he thought about having to deal with that situation, so he figured he'd take the risk. As he walked towards the bathroom he saw her top already discarded on the floor, and he could see that the door had been left open, as he got closer he could see her bra by the bathroom door. 'Oh jesus,' he thought, 'this is a really bad idea.'

"Freckles?" he called from the hallway. There was no answer. He could hear rushing water, he stepped closer and could see her Silhouette through the shower curtain. He stepped inside the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Kate could see his outline through the shower curtain so knew he was standing in the bathroom. She grinned to herself at her being to one trying to seduce him for once. Or was she trying to seduce him? She didn't really know? She felt wonderfully drunk and nothing seemed to matter. She rarely drank in the real world. She had to keep her wits about her at almost every point of the day. But usually when she did she drank alone and it led her to miserable self reflection. She'd forgotten how good it felt to be with somebody else you felt at ease with, someone who was your friend. 'Woah, did I just I just think of sawyer as my friend?' But..he was. The closest thing shes had to friend for a while. Was that all she felt for him? Friendship? Well that and a huge pile of lust..maybe even ... no best not to go there. She pulled herself out of her reflection.

"Hey sawyer?" she called out.

Her voice pulled Sawyer out of his reverie of the fact that she was behind that curtain...naked. "Yeah freckles?"

"You gonna stand out there gawping all night or you gonna come in?" she said teasingly.

Sawyer just stood there frozen. He didn't know what was wrong with him. Here was a beautiful woman, asking him to take a shower with her. But it wasn't just any woman was it, it was kate. He laughed to himself about how they seemed to have switched roles for the night. Could it really do much harm to go shower with her? 'Jesus, he must be drunk' he thought to himself. But he'd already given her one chance to stop anything happening. He was interupted by a load beeping. 'Damned button,' he thought. kate popped her head out of the shower.

"You gonna get that Tex, I wouldn't want to drip all over the floor now would I?" she said grinning, noticing the way sawyer's eyes were fixed on her bare shoulder peeking out of the shower curtain.

Sawyer swallowed. "Yeah, sure freckles, right on it." he said, leaving the room and went to type the numbers in.  
As he was walking back to the bathroom he'd made his decision. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and took off his shoes and jeans, no need for underwear as he rarely wore any. He took a deep breath and drew back the shower curtain and stepped in.

Kate had her back to him and he just stood there and appreciated the view. She was even more beautiful naked than she was clothed, her skin perfect and he admired the gentle slope of her ass. Kate knew he was there staring at her, and she felt a thrill of exileration go through her knowing that she was standing there naked infront of him, and she knew that he was naked standing behind her. She turned around and looked at him, she'd already seen him naked once, but that was so long ago and that was in a much more public situation, not when he was standing inches away from her in an enclosed space. She admired, as she always secretly did, his muscled chest, broad shoulders and strong arms. Her gaze travelled downwards to his muscular thighs and she let herself gaze between his legs...well she hadn't exactly expected him to let her down in that department, and she certainly wasn't dissapointed. She grinned up at him, but noticed he was staring fixatedly at her chest.  
Sawyer had seen a lot of breasts in his time, but hers were just right, not to big, not to small a perefect handful which was enough for him. Sawyer could feel ripples of lust running through him, and he knew his arousal much be pretty obvious.

"Sawyer," Kate said, and he looked up, "my face is up here you know," she said smiling. Sawyer just gave her a massive grin.

"Well Freckles you're the one parading naked infront of me with probably the most perfect breasts I've ever seen, what'a ya expect me to do?"

Kate laughed his compliment off, she'd never been very good as accepting compliments.

"You wanna pass me the shampoo then" Kate asked still smiling seductively.

Sawyer just chuckled and reached outside the shower to grab the shampoo which was on the side of the sink. "Ya know, if I'd known you turned into a little minx when you got wasted, I'd have tried to get you drunk a long time ago."

"Hey! I'm not a minx!" Kate protested, laughing.

"Oh, I must'a imagined you inviting me in for some naked, soapy fun then?" Sawyer said grinning down at her.

Kate tried not to smile herself, "Actually, I just wanted someone to be my soap slave," Kate said, then automatically giggling at how stupid that sounded, 'Oh my god, am I giggling?' she thought. This made Sawyer crack up laughing, 'this situation is so surreal,' he thought, 'I'm in a shower, naked with kate, whose talking absolute rubbish, and yeah I want to shag her, so badly...but I'm actually having fun hanging out with her.'

"You're one strange girl Freckles," Sawyer said shaking his head. He poured some shampoo into his hands and, to Kate's suprise, began to massage it into her hair. She turned around and looked at him. "Well you said you wanted a 'soap slave' right?" he replied. Kate just grinned and turned her head back around. His strong fingers massaging her head felt so good, and she let out a sigh and closed her eyes, concentrating on the feel of his hands tangled in her hair. Sawyer moved his hands down to her shoulders and began to run his hands down her back and up to her shoulders to massage them, his hands still soapy from her hair. She let out a groan, which sent a new wave of lust through Sawyer, and he had to fight the urge not to move his hands to her chest and massage those perfect breasts of hers. He stopped the play of his hands up and down her back and moved her head under the stream of water, washing the shampoo out.

"There we go Freckles, all done," he said smiling down at her. She turned around and smiled back.

"Want me to do yours?" she asked, trying to stop herself from grinning.

"Baby, you can wash whatever you like," Sawyer said grinning, "I aint gonna say no."

Kate laughed, "Well you're too damned tall, you might have to kneel down."

This automatically made Sawyer give her a wicked grin, "Kneel down ay freckles, and what else would you like me to do while I'm down there?" he said gazing down at her suggestively.

This made Kate's heart speed up when she thought of the possibilities hidden in his words. But she tried to calm her lustful thoughts for now. "Just bend over then," she said, not thinking before she spoke.

Sawyer just looked at her compleately bemused, "Not just what kind of kinky shit are you up to Freckles?" he said teasing her, knowing full well what she meant.

Kate found herself blushing, "Just kneel down sawyer," she said and he grinned and complied, "No, facing that way," she said rolling her eyes, and made him face away from her.

Sawyer felt Kate apply the shampoo onto his hair, and begin to rub it in. He couldn't remember the last time someone had washed his hair for him, it felt so...intimate. Kate began to use her nails to scratch Sawyers head to rub the shampoo in, which made him moan out loud. The feel of her delicate fingers in his hair was driving him crazy, this new level of intimacy between them, it was unlike anything he'd felt before.

'God, he's so sexy,' Kate thought, staring down at his broad muscular back, his quiet moans driving her crazy with desire. It was getting really hot in the shower now, and she was beginning to feel a bit lightheaded. She drew away from his hair, and drew the shower curtain a bit, breathing in the cool air for a moment. When Sawyer felt her draw away, he turned around and saw her looking a bit dizy, so he stood up.

"You alright babe?" Sawyer asked.

Kate turned back around, closing the curtain again, "Yeah, just getting a bit hot in here, I needed some cold air."

"You can say that again freckles," Sawyer said, standing under the shower washing the shampoo out of his hair. Kate was suddenly fascinated by the shampoo cascading down his well tanned body. Before Kate could think through what she was doing, she had grabbed the soap and began to wash his chest, taking great pleasure in the fact that she had free range to explore his muscles, running her hands up and down. She moved over his shoulders and down his arms.

Sawyer just looked down at her, not believing that he was here with her, and she was obviously taking great pleasure in exploring his body with her hands. She closer to him, putting her arms round him to wash his back, where she gave in the urge to run her hands over his firm ass. He shuddered under her touch and braced himself against the shower wall, his legs feeling weak under her touch. Upon noticing this kate grinned up at him seductively. She looked into his eyes and saw such raw need and desire in them that it almost took her breath away that someone can look at her which that much intensity. She began to run her soapy hands down his abdomen and sawyer let out a growl and grabbed her arms, almost roughly. She stopped and looked up at him again.

"Freckles, you move those magical hands of yours down any further and I aint gonna be responsible for my actions, theres only so much teasing a man can take," he said gruffly, gazing down at her. She moved her hands further down...


	6. Chapter 6

Kate ran her hands down the inside of his thighs, never taking her eyes off his face, only ever so slightly brushing what lay in between with the sides of her hands. Sawyer looked down at her, almost in compleate shock, the light touch of her hands driving him insane. He looked into her eyes and knew that she wanted this, wanted him, and it terrified him. He had wanted her since the first time he heard her speak, wanted her in a way that had nothing to do with hearts and flowers and everything to do with the way she would feel when he was pumping inside of her hearing her scream out his name. But he had known that she wasn't like that, she wasn't going to laugh at his jokes and lay down and open her legs to him like thousands of woman had done before her, and it fascinated used his attaction to her to torment himself, especially after she had read his letter, a thing which no woman had done before her, the way she looked at him sometimes when no one else was watching, he knew she was drawn to him, but he never thought she would be staring up at him, her eyes full of heat and longing. 'maybe once we do this I'll get over her' he thought, 'once we get all this lust out the way then maybe I will stop driving myself insane with thoughts of her.' But in the back of his mind he knew that this would make his infatuation ten times worse.

Kate saw something close to fear in his eyes and it puzzled her, 'what could he be afraid of...surely not me?' she thought. He looked afraid, aroused and kate could see hurt in his eyes, that she didn't understand. She moved her hands up to cup his face, and he just looked at her, knowing he was compleately lost under her touch. kate wanted to chase that look from his eyes, to make him feel as wonderful as she felt. For some reason she felt...free, free in a way she hadn't felt since she'd been on the run. She had never truly let her guard down on the island, never really let anyone in, and tonight had been so different, she could forget who she was, what she'd done and just enjoy being alive. She lowered her lips to Sawyer's and tenderly kissed him, trying to say with her lips what she could never say to him with words.

She tried to express how alive he made her feel, how he made her laugh with his sarcastic comments, even though she knew she shouldn't. The way he told her with never saying a word that he didn't care what her demons were, or what she'd done, because he had just as many skeletons in his closet. The way he looked when he read that letter and the hurt in his eyes, showing that beneath everything there was a hurt and lost little boy, clinging hold of something to give his life meaning. Kate thought all of this as she tenderly kissed him and she felt tears streaming his her cheeks. She was crying for him and crying for herself and all the things that had happened to them, all the hurt they had caused themselves and others. She drew back and Sawyer looked down in astonishment at the tears running down her cheeks. he leaned down and kissed them away, tasting the salt and soap on her skin. He drew her too him until their bodies were touching all the way down and she buried her head in his shoulder, just savouring the feel of his strong arms embracing her. Sawyer rested his cheek against her head, wondering what had suddenly moved her to tears.

She pulled back out of his embrace just enough to look at him and she smiled at how puzzled he looked, obviously worrying why she was upset. Sawyer thought how beautiful she looked, her eyes wide from crying, her hair slicked back leaving her face unadorned for once so you could truly appreciate the beautiful structure of it.  
Kate leaned in and began to kiss him more passionately this time, running her nails over his chest and back. Sawyer responded and grabbed her waist, pulling her closer to him and he ran his hands up her back, letting his fingers slide round and lighty carress the side of her breasts. Kate shuddered upon this contact and moaned into his mouth which just inflamed his desire more.

He pulled away and looked at her, "Kate, do you really want this?" kate felt a wave of lust go through her body as he called her her real name, it sounded so intimate coming from him.

"You know I do," kate replied grinning seductively up at him.

Sawyer grinned back, unable to help himself and he kissed her again, this time he wasn't holding back. he kissed her as if he meant to devour her. he kissed her with all the desire that had been building up for months, he kissed her like he'd always wanted to. He ran his hands over her breasts, massaging them and running his thumbs over her nipples. Kate moaned and buried her hands in his hair, pulling slightly which just fueled Sawyers desire. He greedily ran his hands over her body, cupping her ass. Kate withdrew her fingers from his hair and ran them down the front of his body, this time not stopping or being subtle. She ran her hands over his balls, which caused him to groan into her mouth. She ran her hands all the way up until she was grasping him in her hands, giving into the urge she had had ever since she first saw him naked, wondering what he would feel like in her hands. This made drove him insane and caused Sawyer's whole body tense up with desire, with a growl he lifted her up holding onto her ass until she had her legs wrapped round his waist, tearing her hungry mouth away from his. Her breasts were level with his mouth and he began to kiss and lick and nibble all around her breast, deliberately leaving her nipple until last. She threw her head back and made a high pitched moan giving herself in to the waves of pleasure that were shooting from her breast to her groin. She could feel him pressed up against he thigh and she thrusted against him, causing him to slightly bite down on the area around her nipple which made her moan even louder. Sawyer braced her against the shower wall and looked up at her.

"So Freckles, where'd'ya want it?" he asked grinning misheviously.

"What about here?" kate asked, already longing for the feel of him inside her.

"As much as I'd like to pound you against this here wall now baby, my mouth aint nearly finished with you yet," he replied grinning down at her, thousands of dirty thoughts running through his mind.

This just made kate's pulse speed up and she was suddenly finding it hard to swallow. Sawyer turned off the shower and walked with kate, with her legs still wrapped round his waist in the direction of the bedroom.


	7. Chapter 7

On the way he got his leg caught in her discarded top and had to shake his leg around trying to dislodge it. This sent Kate into a fit of giggles, watching sawyer try and struggle holding on to her and to shake his foot in the air. Sawyer grinned back when he finally got rid of the top, thinking she looked so cute when she giggled, not even caring that shaking your foot in the air when trying to hold on to a naked woman straddling you isn't very suave. He pressed her against the wall, kissing her suddenly, swallowing her giggles until they became moans of desire as she could feel him pressed up against her crotch. he pulled away and looked at her, glad her expression of amusement had changed to one of lust.

"You're such a tease," kate said, smiling down at him.

"Baby, you have no idea," Sawyer replied misheviously, and continued on his quest to take Kate to the bed, trying not to get distracted along the way, there were an awful lot of walls on the route to the bedroom.

Sawyer placed Kate on the bed, and climbed in so he was kneeling in between her legs, grinning appropriately at the whole of her webing finally exposed to him.

"Ya, know Frreckles, don't think I've ever had sex in a bunk bed before," he said leaning over her resting on his elbows, being careful not to let his body touch hers yet.

Kate stared up at him, vaguely aware she should probablly feel embarrased at being splayed out infront of his so blatently, but somehow, it didn't feel awkward, being naked around him just felt normal. "Well, I'm glad something about this will be a first for you," kate said without thinking, knowing she was referring to all the women he must have slept with and thought how this might offend him.

Sawyer just looked down at her, not offended just vaguly upset that she could think that he considered her as the same as all the other woman he slept with.

He leant closer to her and kissed her tenderly for a moment, then drew back slightly so just the tips of their noses were touching, "Kate," he whispered against her lips, "Wherever we did this, it was always going to be a first for me." She looked into his eyes, which were full of unspoken words and feelings. She smiled up at him, hoping he knew that she knew he didn't consider her on the same level as those other women, and rubbed her nose against his, which made him smile too.

Sawyer pulled away, his dirty grin back on his face. He nustled her neck and she leant her head to the side giving him full acess. He began just behind her earlobe, kissing and licking the skin, nibbling slightly on her earlobe which made her sigh and writhe beneath him. He continued tracing her skin with his mouth, going down her neck, sucking slightly, loving the way her skin tasted of soap and sweat. He realised he would probablly end up leaving a hicky, so he began to nibble instead, noting how this made her spasm beneath her, her hands going to his neck forcing him down harder. He bit harder and she made a low moan appreciatively her nails tracing patterns on his back. 'So she likes a bit of teeth and nails does she,' sawyer thought grinning to himself. he pulled away, an slight imprint of his teeth on her neck. he gazed down, not being able to help the way he liked marking her, it was some primordial possession thing he figured. Sawyer continued tracing her body with his lips, sucking hard on her nipples when he got there, now realising Kate enjoyed a bit of pain. This made her buckle underneath him and moan loudly. He continued down, there were other areas he was interested in exploring.

He kissed down to her abdomen, drawing her legs further apart and he moved his head to the top of her thigh, kissing and nibbling down until he reached what was lying between. he paused for a moment, just enjoying her scent. He secretly loved doing this to women, exploring their most intimate parts with his mouth and tounge, the way he smelt, the way tasted. He lightly licked her, and she gasped. Sawyer pulled away, grinning when kate looked over at him, as if to say 'you tease.' He started kissing the top of her other thigh, working his way down, only this time he allowed his mouth and tongue free range to explore her. She buckled and moaned, overcome by pleasure, she couldnt remeber the last time a man had done this to her. Sawyer slipped in one of his fingers and she let out a satisfied groan, glad at least a part of him was inside of her. Sawyer started a rhythm with his finger and tongue which made her let out quick moans in succession, sweat beginnig to break out all over her body and her heart speeding up. She felt her self near the climax, but she wasnt ready for that yet.

She used her feet to draw Sawyer's attention away from what he was doing, and he looked up at her questioningly.

"Well, you didn't think you were gonna have all the fun did you?" kate said grinning, and she drew him closer to her and flipped him on his side and manouvered him onto his back. He looked up at her in suprise, thei positions suddenly switched....


	8. Chapter 8

Kate grinned down at sawyer and began to lick a wet line over his chest, mimicking his earlier movements on her. She drew one of his nipples into her mouth and lightly nibbled it, causing sawyer to growl. She drew away and smiled seductively down at him and began to move her body downwards, deliberately letting her breats trail between his legs, causing him to groan some more.

"And you say I'm a tease," Sawyer muttered.

Kate kissed the inside of his thigh, biting into the muscle and sucking, knowing it would leave a hicky, but she also knew he wouldn't care. sawyer was entraced by the feel of her sucking so close to his groin, as she occasionally brushed up against it. He loved the feel of her teeth and mouth against his flesh, buckling under the almost pain he felt as she sucked harder. She began to lightly trail her finger over his balls whilst still sucking on his thigh, causing him to cry out at the mixture of pleasure and pain. 'God, she is good,' he thought. Kate drew away, noticing the purple mark she had left and the imprint of her teeth and she smiled at her handiwork. She proceeded to tease her tounge over his balls and lick upwards over his shaft in teasing strokes. Sawyer writhed underneath her, her tongue driving him crazy. he drew all of him into her mouth and began to suck. Sawyer moaned loudly, and his arms flailed around looking for something to grab hold of. It had been so long, and moths of fraustration had been building, but it was worth it for this moment, to have her here with him.

Sawyer pulled himself into a sitting position, drawing himself out of her mouth. She looked up at him and she grinned, sawyer pulled her towards him and flipped her over so he was back on top. He grinned down at her.

"Thats better Freckles," he said.

"Oh, you didn't enjoy what i was doing then?" kate replied teasingly.

"Baby, you got one talented mouth," Sawyer said grinning, "But there are other things I wanna do."

Upon saying that Sawyer entered her, looking into her eyes as he did it in a strangely intimate gesture. Kate let out a high pitched moan at the feel of him inside her. was just the right size. Big so that it hurt a little at first, but as soon as loosened up she knew it would feel wonderful.  
Sawyer began to slowly thrust, closing his eyes and appreciateing the tight wetness that surrounded him. he began to increae his pace, but still going gently, afraid he was going to hurt her. Everytime he thrust into her it made kate groan, he felt so good, but he was being so gentle with her.

"I wont break you know," Kate whispered close to his mouth. sawyer grinned dirtily down at her and crushed her lips in a passionate kiss, all of a sudden thrusting hard and fast ionto her, swallowing her moans with his mouth. He pulled away and buried his face in her neck, his thrusting ever increasing. kate raised her hips and met him with every thrust until it was as if they were doing some primordial dance. kates moanhs were becoming more screams now as she felt herself near her climax. She could hear her one moans echoed in Sawyers. he bit her neck suddenly, causing kate to cry out loudly, it felt so good. She felt herself ever closer to the brink and she started to cry out, "Oh...yes, yes Sawyer yes."

Sawyer raised his head from where it was buried in her neck and looked into her eyes, never stopping his thrusting. "Call me James," he said, before he could stop himself saying it, his mind seemed to have gone with every thrust into her beautiful body, passion clouding his mind. All he knew is that whenh she came screaming his name, he didnt want it to be like all those other women, he wasnt this to be different, just once, from her lips he wanted to hear his true name cried out.

Kate looked into his eyes, realising she wanted him to use his real name. He increased his thrusts making her cry out. "Yes, yes james...oh yes..." then as she felt herself come she screamed "oh james," feeling the world slip away form her with the power of her orgasm. Sawyer felt her squeeze tightly around him and it brought his own climax in one gutteral moan. It seemed hightened as he heard her scream his name, his true name. It hurt a part of him, but it was worth hearing her scream it out.

He drew out of her and collapsed beside her panting trying to catch his breath. 'That was amazing,' he thought, 'a-fucking-mazing.'  
Kate lay there trying to regain feeling in her body. She felt tingly all over and slightly spacy. Sawyer lay on his side, propped up on one elbow, gazing down at her. he reached over and brushed her hair onto the pillow. She looked up at him with half closed eyes, feeling wonderfully languorous. He bent down and brushed her lips with his, savouring this moment, he couldn't remeber the last time he wanted to just lie here with a woman after sex, the last time he took so much pleasure in doing so. He lay his head on the pillow next to hers so their heads were touching. She turned around on her side so she was facing him, and looked into his eyes and smiled.

They both knew that there were no need for words, there was nothing they could say to improve this moment. In that moment they were just lying there enjoying the feel of each others bodies, not worrying about what it meant, not regretting what had just happened, neither ready, just yet to erect their carefully placed shields back around them. Kate closed her eyes and snuggled closer to sawyer, her face buried in his chest, his head resting against the top of hers. He put one arm around her, and she moved her arm up so it was resting agianst his hip. They lay there for ages like that, neither of them wanting to fall asleep just yet. They were both savouring the moment that for just one night, in each others embrace, they were free.


	9. Chapter 9

Sawyer was the one to wake up first. He opened his eyes to see Kate's naked form, still laying curled up beside him, her leg sprawled over him, sleeping peacefully. The events of last night came flooding back to him, the whiskey, the shower, her lying naked beneath him. He smiled to himself, and lay there for a few minutes watching her sleep, and snuggled closer to her, just enjoying her being his for a few more moments. He didn't know what would happen when she woke up, how she'd feel about last night, what it meant for them, I mean its not like one night of amazing sex makes you a couple is it? 'Do I even want to be a 'couple' he thought. He knew he wanted her, that much he knew with every fiber of his being. He wanted her like he'd wanted no woman before, and last night had only fueled his desire for her even more. He kissed her forehead, and she smiled in her sleep and rolled over. He got up out of bed, being careful not to wake her as he had to climb over her to get out. He walked back to the bathroom to try and find his discarded clothes, laughing to himself at the thought of someone walking in with him strolling around butt-naked. Although he doubted anyone would be down. He gathered his clothes and slipped them back on, and as an after thought collected Kate's as well, thinking maybe she might feel a bit funny about walking around naked to find them herself.

He placed them on the chair by the bed, and walked into the kitchen, searching for some food to make them. He grabbed a box of cereal from the food store and a few banana's and two bowls. He found some coffee as well, he hadn't had coffee for a while, and boiled the kettle.  
Kate woke up to the sound of humming. She rolled onto her back and stretched, feeling wonderful as she had just had the best nights sleep she had ever had on the island. And she knew who to thank for that. She rolled over, and noted with disapointment the Sawyer was not there. She figured thats where the humming must be coming from and she lay there for a moment, reflecting on what happened last night. Did she really know how she felt about it? No, not really. It was wonderful, one of the best nights of her life, and she was glad it had happened, she wouldnt wish away that night for the wrold. But reality dawned on her with the breaking of a new day, all the old reason why she should never be attached to anyone rose up in her mind again. She thought of Jack, with confused emotions, wondering what had happened meant for her feelings for him. She knew they were there, but she didnt know of what nature they were. yes, kissing him had been nice, nothing like the same kind of electricity that even being near sawyer created in her though. She sighed, wishing herself back to last night, where everything felt so deliciously uncomplicated. She couldnt help but smile despite herself when thinkng about last night. 'Thats how things could be if we both didn't have so much baggage,' she thought, as if they were just two normal people.

She sat up, and realised that her clothes were scattered around the hatch, and felt uncomfortable at the thought of having to go around searching for them. Then she noticed them in a pile on the chair beside her and she grinned. 'He must have picked them up for me,' she thought as she pulled her clothes back on. She was suprised by his thoughtfulness, although, thinking back on last night, it shouldnt have been such a suprise, he had shown a side of himself that she had always hoped existed through the occasional hint he gave.

She walked into the kitchen and was greeted my the delicious smell of coffee, and the even more delicious sight of sawyer. God, it gave her butterflys just to look at him, all she could think about for a second was the feel of him inside her. She pushed that thought away, thinking she would probablly jump him again if she didnt. She notioced two bowls filled with cereal on the counter and sawyer was chopping up bananas and putting them on top, not noticing her yet.

"Aww honey you baked," kate said jokingly as a greeting as she walked over.

Sawyer looked up and grinned at the sight of her. "Well g'morning sunshine," sawyer replied, "I just figured ya might be hungry after last night." he flashed a wicked grin in her direction, and she grinned back sitting down. He brought over two bowls and two mugs of coffee over and sat down opposite her. She took a sip of the coffee and then began to eat the cereal. She noticed sawyer watching her and looked up at him.

"What you thinking Tex?" she asked.

Sawyer came out of his reverie, not wanting to admit he was thinking that even first thing in the morning after a night of drinking she looked stunning. "Just thinking how Im glad you aint one of those mopey 'I dont eat no breakfast' kinda women. Always pissed me off, I mean who dont like eating breakfast?"

Kate just laughed, "Never knew you felt so strongly on the subject of breakfast!" she teased.

"Well, most important meal of the day aint it?"

They both sat in silence for the moment, neither really wanting to discuss the implications of last night. They were interupted by Jack walking in. Sawyer instantly frowned at the sight of him, realising that their one night together was now truly over at the sight of jackass. Could he really cope with things going just back to the way they were. Kate surveyed jack with a glance, kind of sorry to see him, which was strange for her. Jack looked around, surveying the unmade bed, and bottle of whiskey and two glasses, one over turned.

"I thought Hurley was suposed to be on shift with you Kate," Jack asked accusingly, not liking what he was seeing.

"And a good morning to you too doc," sawyer replied, hoping to shift his gaze away form kate who was looking increasingly uncomfortable. "Hurley kept buggin me to take his place, no one else would and he had a rendevous planned with Moonbeam, so I figured I might as well, what can I say, must be a romantic after all." he said with a grin at jack.

"So you decided drinking while on duty was a great idea?"

"The damned island aint exploded has it?" Sawyer said beginnig to get pissed, being around Jack too long tended to have that effect on him, "I don't know about you Doc, but I can have a drink and still be abel to function as well."

"And you decided this was a good idea as well did you kate?" Jack said shifting his accusing gaze ovr to kate.

Kate began to get a bit annoyed, 'why did he have to give them the third degree,' she thought, 'they are both adults afterall, not a couple of naughty children. "A bit of alcohol never did anyone any harm Jack," she replied, trying not to let him know what she was thinking.

Jack sighed and turned away, his focus going on the unmade bed, he turned back and looked at kate angrily.

Sawyer noticed this and before Jack could say anything he said, "Next time I'm getting the bed freckles, that sofa aint exactly built for sleeping on," sawyer said grinning, finishing off his coffee, getting up and placing the empty mug in the seat. He noticed the smile kate flashed him in thanks and he nodded. Jack just looked at him, and then looked away and sighed, giving up the arguement.

"Anyways, I'd better be heading back to the beach, just can't get used to being indoors," he began to walk away and turned his head around to watch jack glaring at him in amusement. Kate saw him turn around and blew a kiss to him while Jack's back was turned. Sawyer saw this and was secretly pleased and flashed her a grin, and walked out the hatch feeling very pleased with himself indeed.


	10. Chapter 10

awyer emerged from the jungle and stepped out onto the beach. He was exhausted by the hot treck back from the hatch, but while this would usually make him grumpy as hell, he actually felt in a pretty good mood. 'Jeeze, you must really have been horney for one night of sex to make you feel so good,' he said to himself, secretly knowing that it wasn't just the sex that had made him feel that way. He thought back to the way he danced with kate the night before and grinned, remembering how excited he felt just having her that close to him.

"Someone's looking pleased with themselves," a voice said.

Sawyer looked around and saw Claire standing to one side smiling at him, holding her baby in her arms. The sun was shining behind her, almost giving her a halo surrounding her. Claire always reminded sawyer of how an angel would look, she seemed so full of...well goodness. He usually tried to stay away from her, someone like him shouldn't be allowed near someone as innocent as her.

"Well hey there angel," Sawyer replied, flashing her his dimples, "Tell me ya aint planning on treking into the jungle with the little'un?"

"No, just going for my morning walk, usually settles aaron down, he's been a bit grizzly this morning, couldn't seem to settle him down all night."

"Well that's babies for ya," Sawyer replied.

Claire seemed destracted for a moment, and Sawyer saw that she was watching Charlie and Eko walk across the beach.

"Why don't you go over and talk to him?" Sawyer remarked. Claire looked at him frowning, "Oh come on you obviously want to."

"It's not so easy to forgive and forget," Claire said sadly.

"Sweetheart, I've known my share of drug addicts over the years," Claire looked up at him, "And he aint using. Surely one little conversation wont hurt?"

Claire thought for a moment and then smiled. "Okay, could you watch aaron for a bit, its not the kind of conversation I want to have around him?"

"Woah there, I may be in a good mood this morning sweetness dolling out good advice, but don't mean I'm on babysitting duty! How'd ya know I wont drop the little thing on its head!" Sawyer exclaimed.

Claire laughed, "I'm sure you'll be fine! He likes the sound of your voice anyway, so he shouldn't give you much trouble, just talk to him or something. He's a good listener, can't talk back!" And upon saying that she put Aaron in his arms, smiled and began to walk quickly in the direction charlie was heading in.

"This aint gonna look good for my reputation ya know," Sawyer yelled after her, "People'll think Ive gone soft!"

Claire just turned around and grinned at him and continued walking.

Sawyer shook his head, and looked down at the bundle in his arms. Aaron was grinning up at him gurgling. 'Cute little bugger,' Sawyer thought to himself, then shook his head, 'Two minutes around this baby and you've already gone soft,' he told himself and walked towards his tent.

When he got there he was glad to see his things were undisterbed, and he sat down on the aeroplane seat outside his tent, sitting Aaron on his lap and holding him upright. Aaron just stared at him, holding one fist to his mouth and drooling slightly. 'How do ya amuse a baby?' Sawyer thought to himself, and began to juiggle him about on his lap bouncing him up and down. Aaron smiled at him, his arms waving about, 'Must be good at this baby watching thing,' Sawyer thought, when suddenly aaron was sick all over the front of his shirt.

"Son of a ..." Sawyer exclaimed, just being able to watch his language.

At this point kate emerged out of the jungle on her way back from the hatch. She'd said goodbye to jack, after making small talk for a while and then tidying up a bit. Disposing of the whiskey bottle with a smile, and as an after thought decided to wash the sheets on the bed. Jack gave her an inqisitive look when she passed by him with the bed sheets in a bundle.

"They smelled a bit when I was sleeping on them," Kate replied, "Figured they could do with a wash." She grinned as she put them in the washing machine, remembering why she was actually washing them.

She was hoping and not wanting to see sawyer at the same time. Part of her just wanted to run up to him and pull him into his tent. The other part was terrified aout how out of control he made her feel. Around him she was actually ... happy, and that was something she hadn't allowed herself to be for a long time. As she walked over to her tent she saw Sawyer sitting outside his tent with aaron on his lap. Kate laughed to herself at how cute he looked sitting there with the baby, thinking no one was watching. then suddenly she saw him jump up with the baby in his arm and start shouting. She laughed out loud and couldn't help but go over there and tease him.

Sawyer didn't notice Kate walking towards him, he was too busy trying to pull off his sick stained shirt and hold the baby at the same time.

"Didn't think babies were your style Tex," kate said grinning.

Sawyer turned around, automatically pleased to hear her voice. "They aint Freckles, didn't exactly have no choice in the matter neither." Kate just laughed at him.

"Well, instead of standing there giggling ya think you could go get me a clean shirt or something, got baby puke on this one." he asked.

"So I'm your maid now?" Kate asked still teasing him. Sawyer just looked at her. Kate grinned and went into his tent, grabbing the nearest shirt, even though she secretly wished he would remain topless, although considering she wanted to jump him right about now, it was probablly for the best that he was covering up. 'What is wrong with you!' she thought to herself, 'you usually have better control of yourself.' She went back outside and handed sawyer the shirt, sad to see that tanned exapanse on chest hidden from her sight.

Sawyer sat back down on the aeroplane seat and Kate sat beside him. Aaron looked up at her a smiled from his position in Sawyer's arms.

"So where is Calire anyway?" she asked, genuinely curious why Sawyer of all people was babysitting Aaron.

"I saw her when I was on my way back from the hatch, she decided to go off and talk with Charlie, figured they're making up or something, and before I knew what was happening she bundled him into my arms, and ran away!" Sawyer exclaimed.

"Glad to know those two are talking again anyway," Kate replied. They sat in silence for a moment, both highly aware of the fact that their bodies were pressed up aaginst one another on the small seat. sawyer wanted ntohing more than to pull her to him and ravage her in her tent. The fact that he could look at her and picture her naked body underneath all those clothes was driving him insane. 'Lucky I got this baby here on my lap,' he thought, 'Or I might just grab her here and...' he tried to drive his thoughts away from all the things he wanted to do to her right now, and looked down at the baby, who was yawning and beginning to drift off to sleep. Kate watched sawyer look down at the sleeping aaron and thought about how comfortable with the baby in his arms, if anything it made him look more masculine, protecting this tiny thing with his strong arms. Kate leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment and the three of them sat there in comfortable silence, neither wanting to move.

Claire returned from her walk, she had met up with Charlie, and realised how much she had missed him when they started talking. She'd taken the first step, and hoped that she could begin to trust him again. She walked over to Sawyer's tent, figuring thats where he had probablly gone. Then she noticed the three of them, kate with her head on sawyer's shoulder sleeping, and aaron curled up in Sawyer's arm sleeping too. Sawyer just seemed to be staring into the distance, thinking really hard about something and she thought she'd give them a moment longer together.


	11. Chapter 11

Sawyer hadn't noticed Claire walk up to them and then walk back to her tent for a while, occasionally glancing over at the three of them. He was too busy trying to supress the tight ball of hurt that was welling up inside of him. Here he sat with a beautiful woman, who was more amazing than anyone he had ever met in his life, who was lying against him softly sleeping, and a baby in his arms, looking cute as hell and all he could think about was how he could never have any of this. The real sawyer took that all away from him when he conned his mom and when he had lain there curled up under his bed, listening to his mothers screams and then that one shot, the shot that would echo in his nightmares for the rest of his life, and watching his daddies cowboy boots appear, terrified for a moment that he was coming in to kill him too. Then that other ominous shot, and everything went silent. He remebered how he had lain under that bed for so long after that last gun shot. He was so afraid he was shaking, his teeth chattering so loud. He only moved when he heard the gentle splattering of his fathers blood dripping on the floor infront of him. Nothing on earth can ever wipe away the vision that is imprinted on in his mind of his daddies brains splattered all over his room, on his bedspread, his books, his toys. he tried not to look, but one glimpse was enough. He walked slowly into the kitchen, his mom was laying there, a hole bigger than his fist in her chest. Blood was covering most of the kitchen and he sat aginst the door and just stared at her. he was eight years old, he knew what had happened, he knew she was never coming back, could never hug him again, could never read to him at night like she loved to do. He knew she was gone forever. He'd vowed that day that someone would pay for what had happened to him. The events of that day had cost him a normal life, and it hadn't bothered him until now. Focused on the desire to make the real sawyer suffer like he had had chased away any desire for a wife, kids, a job that he may have had. Hell, he could'a been a good old doctor like jack, he was bright enough, all his teachers knew that. And that fact had never bothered him until now, he was fine going around screwing beautiful women and spending their stupid husbands money, waiting that one moment when he would finally have his revenge.

But as he lay here with Kate, he suddenly desired all of that so strongly it almost made him choke. He tried to push these feelings away with his old visions of revenge, but it wasn't working, all he could feel was the hot press of kate's slender form. All he could think about was the feel of her thighs gripping him, and about how good it would feel to wake up beside her for the rest of his life. And it scared the shit out of him like nothing had ever done before. He was tormented by visions of them together, in the real world, speeding along the freeway, free to go whereever they wanted, only wanting that they were with each other. he had visions of kids like the one he was holding in his arms who looked just like her, who would run up to him and yell 'Daddy...'

Sawyer stood up ubruptly, waking up Kate and Aaron with a start. Kate rubbed her eyes and looked up at him questioningly, about to speak when she watched sawyer stride quickly to Claire's tent, give Aaron to her without a word and ran speeding into the jungle.

Kate sighed and put her hands over her face for a second. What just happened with him? He seemed so...happy earlier, more of the care-free sawyer she had seen after he recovered from his gunshot wound, he was being so good about what happened as well, not questioning her on what it meant, not putting any presure on her to decide anything. And now he had gone, and all she could remeber was the look on his face before he ran off. It was one of such hurt and torment that it brought tears to her eyes because it reminded her of her own pain. Who was she kidding, one night of amazing sex does not constitute the grounds for a relationship. But it wasn't just the sex, it was the tenderness that existed between them that night. the way he looked at her, the way he made her call him james. That night was about so much more than just fullfilling a desire that had burned them both for so long, and she knew it, and it terrified her. It was the kind of passion that could consume you compleately. And she couldn't get that attached to anyone or anything. As soon as they got off this island, if they ever did, she was going straight to jail, and she would rather die than have that longing, that passion for someone, knowing that it could never happen, that she would be parted for him forever. Best to just end this thing, whatever it was now before it had even started. Suddenly she was sobbing. It just hit her about how hopeless this all was because...she loved him, she loved him so much it hurt, and she knew it could never work. She knew she had to see him everyday, with the constant reminder of what could have been.

Sayid was walking by and noticed kate hunched over in sawyer's seat, sobbing her heart out and contemplated whether to go over or not. He figured maybe sawyer had done something to hurt her, and figured he should probablly find out what it was. sawyer was so unpredictable, who knows what reprocussions it could have on the road. Also, he was concerned to see her so upset.

"Kate," he said tentertively, "are you alright."

Kate looked up at him, automatically ashamed that someone had seen her so upset. She wiped her eyes and looked away.

"It's Sawyer..." she said weakly, just wanting to talk to another person, to stop the thoughts that were spinning around in her head.

Sayid kneeled down beside her, "I thought so when I saw you sitting outside his tent," sayid said with a small smile, which Kate responded to, "What has he done now?"

Kate looked up at him, "Oh no, he hasn't done anything, well he has, but not anything bad..." kate trailed off, not sure how much to admit to Sayid. Sayid just looked at her confused. Kate sighed, "I think I love him." There she had said it outloud, and it sounded so strange to her ears, but she knew it was true.

Sayid covered his shock well, just frowning slightly, he had to admit that they spent alot of time together, but he hadn't expected to hear kate say this. especially with all the time she spent with Jack. "And this is a bad thing?" Sayid asked questioningly, confused as to why she was so upset.

Kate just looked at him, "Of course it's a bad thing! I'm a criminal sayid, if i ever get off this island then I am going to jail, nothing anyone can do about that, and I have a feeling that if I start anything with him...its not something I'm going to be able to live without. And I don't ever want to be put in that position, I have fought so long to remain unattached, and now..." Kate put her head in her hands again, "I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if he wants me, he ran off into the jungle just now, looking like the devil was chasing him. He's stubborn, rude, bad tempered, has so much going on his head that I can't even begin to comprehend...but I love him, for all his faults, for..everything..." Kate sat there in shock at everything that she had just said. She was admitting feelings to Sayid, she had barely admitted to herself, and it was so uncharacteristic of her.

Sayid was quiet for a moment thinking, "Even if I knew how she would be so cruelly ripped away from me, how little time we would have, I would still have chosen to be with her," sayid said softly, sadness in his eyes.

"Shannon?" Kate said quietly.

Sayid nodded, "And as painful as it was to loose her, I would go through that again if it meant I could be with her for just one more day," Kate looked down at him as Sayid put his hand on her arm. "If we live in fear of being hurt, then we do not live at all, we just go through the motions of life, and that is not a good way to be kate. If you think you could be happy, truly happy, then take the chance. I have done some despicable things in my life Kate, but punishing yourself by denying youself the simplest things that make life worth living...it wont change anything, the deeds will still be done, all that changes is that they were not worth doing in the first place if they cause you so much grief." Sayid patted her arm and got up to walk away.

"Sayid," Kate said, and he looked round, "thank you." Sayid smiled at her and walked away. Kate looked at the direction that Sawyer had gone and decided what she had to do ...


	12. Chapter 12

Sawyer ran. He ran in the same direction, not even knowing where he was going. All he knew is he had to get far away from the feel of her body, the gaze of her eyes. He ran until his muscles were aching, his injured shoulder screaming at him to stop. He stopped abruptly, bent over with his arms braced against his legs trying to catch his breath. He slumped to the ground and leant against a nearby tree, still panting from his excursion. 'Why have you done this to yourself,' he was thinking, 'You should have seen this coming. Never get attached, isn't that the golden rule?' He sighed and leant his head back against the tree. He would kill for a cigarette, or preferably some booze, anything to try and chase the images of her out of his head. 'Good thing you aint near that heroin or you might just be tempted to take some,' he though to himself, remembering all those statues under his bed. but he knew he wouldn't take heroin again. Being a teenager was harder on him than it was on most. People say foster homes are bad, its worse when you automatically get handed out to your nearest relative, no matter what assholes they are. He had automatically been shipped off to his Uncle on his Dad's side and his wife, the authorities not even caring that he had only met them twice in his whole life as his dad and Uncle had had some big falling out at some point and never spoke. They lived in a run down little house in Texas, and he had to listen to his Uncle comment on what a whore his mother was, how it was her fault that his poor brother had lost the plot and "offed himself along with the little bitch." He had sat and listened to this without a word, only using this to fuel his hatred for the real sawyer, the one really responsible for his parents death. His life came to mean regular beatings for no reason, both at home and at school. He was never realy sure what his Uncle did for a living, his Aunt certainly never did anything other than sit around on her fat ass all day. But sometimes his Uncle would come home mad as hell, and the smallest thing that James did, would deserve a beating. Never anywhere it showed, never bad enough that he needed a doctor. He just passively took it, all the time thinking that this was the real sawyer's fault that this was happening. He hated school. His old school had been brilliant, it was private so he got the best teachers and was surrounded by people who wanted to learn, yeah there were the bad kids, but they were usually shipped out of there pretty quick. James was a bright kid, very advanced for his age, all his teachers said so. All this did in his new school; however was spark resentment in both the pupils and the teachers. He would come home with a bloodied nose and a black eye, only to have his Aunt moan that he was dripping blood on the carpet and his Uncle would look at him in disgust.

One day when he was 13 he fought back. A bigger kid had been beating on him, and suddenly he went mad. The kid was a good few years older than him, but James was tall for his age and beginning to broaden out. He leapt on the boy, pulled him to the ground and straddled him, punching him again and again, so hard and so fast that the boy couldn't do anything about it. He felt all his frustration pour out with the movement of his fists. he was pulled off by a teacher, but by then the boys body had gone limp, his face a mass of blood. The boy was alright in the end, only had a broken nose, but people looked at him different after that, everyone left him alone, even his Uncle smiled when he got the phone call saying James had been suspended for a week. 'Looks like you aint a wuss like your Daddy after all,' he had said, patting him on the head, flashing him a grin. The beatings stopped, that was one good thing to come out of it, his Uncle probably figured that if he tried to beat him again he would get a beating back himself. One morning his Uncle came his room, and told him that he had a job for him to do. Turned out his Uncle was a con-man, and at first he used James as a lookout, or to avoid suspicion from the cops as he had a kid with him, but eventually he taught him everything he knew, from small cons like flogging fake jewelry to bigger telemarketing scams. By the age of 15 James was looking down at his Uncle, his shoulders already broad from the weight lifting he had been doing, and he looked like a mean son-of-a-bitch when he wanted to. He'd dropped out of school and was conning with his uncle full-time. Part of him died the day he left school for good, the part that had been desperately clinging on to the little boy James was before his parents died. the little boy who could grow up and have any career he wanted, who could have a life and make something of himself. But he knew that his only purpose in life was revenge, his hatred was like a warm blanket he kept around himself, whenever he regretted what he was doing, whenever he longed for something different, he pulled that blanket of rage around him and it went away.

By 16 he was hanging out with a pretty bad crowd, getting drunk and doing dope on the pittance he got from his uncle for helping him with the cons. When he was drunk or high he could forget himself for a moment, forget who he was, what had happened to him, but he was always there at the back of his mind, the real Sawyer. So he began to take more and more, to experiment with harder drugs, trying to obliterate him from his mind, even if it just was for an hour. Acid worked for a bit, then one day he took heroin. Everything washed away in a rush of pleasure, his mom, his uncle, the real sawyer, what he had become, none of that mattered. All he could feel were waves of pleasure coursing through his body. Then it was gone. He found himself lying a cheap motel bed shivering, everything that had happened to him came crashing back into his skull with what felt like the force of a sledge hammer. He found himself sobbing, and he couldn't stop. For a moment he had felt free, like it didn't matter what had happened to him, but it had made it so much more when he came down from it. He knew that night that he couldn't ever take it again, couldn't do any drugs again. They turned his focus away from his mission, from his revenge. he couldn't let them be distraction anymore. Also, in the back of his mind he knew that if he wasn't careful he would take that needle and dose himself up to the eyeballs, and he could die riding that feeling.

Sawyer pulled himself out of his reverie. And felt tears on his face. He jumped up.

"Mother fucking son of a bitch," he screamed and began to pummel the tree with his fists, his swearing just becoming one guttural roar in the end. He stopped when the pain became too much, and dropped to his knees and roared again, trying to voice his frustration. He didn't know what the fuck to do anymore. He was so messed up, he couldn't even deal with his own problems, let alone anyone else's. And he knew that Kate had just as much baggage as he did. Yet all he could think about was her. But he knew they could never be together. how could he have a normal relationship with anyone. As soon as he got off this island he would resume his search for the real Sawyer, he had to, his whole life had been based on it, he couldn't just give it up. And he couldn't do that to her, to put her through all of that. She had been on run for so long he figured, how could he make her follow him all over the world in his search. But what if they never got off the island…


	13. Chapter 13

It hadn't been difficult to track him. He had pretty much gone in a straight line, ploughing into whatever got in his way. Kate had ran along the same path, all the time thinking about what she was going to say. Her heart was pounding, and it wasn't from the running, was she really ready to take the next step? She stopped in her track when she heard a scream. Well, more of a roar really and it gave her goosebumps. It was filled with so much pain, anger and frustration. She knew who it must be. She walked through the undergrowth and saw Sawyer manically punching a tree and making that gut wrenching sound. She watched him drop to his knees.

"Sawyer..." she said taking a step closer to him. He quickly turned his head around and stared at her, but the look in her eyes made her catch her breath. He looked dangerous, like a caged beast who you couldn't be sure what he was going to do next. But behind that gaze it was filled with sadness, a sadness so deep that it was embedded into him, had become part of him. When he saw her he was in complete shock, he hadn't expected her to follow him. He hated how automatically he was pleased to see her, how her presence chased away some of the hurt, but then it just reminded him of everything that had been taken away from him, and for a brief second he hated her, hated her for making him re-live what had happened to him, for stirring up old feelings that he thought had gone forever. He sighed and stood up, knowing that he didn't hate her. Hell he might as well admit it to himself, he loved her. He had loved her for a long time, but it just made everything harder.

"Wadda ya want Kate," he said emotionlessly, he felt so drained. his rush of adrenaline that had caused him to hit that tree was quickly subsiding.

Something inside Kate recoiled when she heard him use her real name. At first she'd hated the nickname, 'Freckles,' he gave everyone nicknames, nothing particularly special about the one he gave her. But it had gone from that to a term of endearment, and she secretly loved it. She looked at him standing so defeated and then noticed his hands. They were covered in blood, most of it still running, and was already begging to go purple in places.

"Oh my...Sawyer, look at your hands?" She walked up closer to him to examine them closer. She lifted them up with her own and sawyer just looked at her with those strangely haunted eyes. Sawyer looked down at them, they were pretty bad. He hoped he hadn't done anything stupid like break a bone.

"Why Sawyer, why did you do this to yourself?" she asked, concern in her voice that was increasingly turning to anger at why he would do something like this to himself.

"Had a disagreement with a tree," Sawyer remarked, trying to make a joke, but his voice remained humorless, and it was beginning to scare Kate. She had never seen him like this before.

Kate sighed, she wasn't going to get anything out of him when he was is this mood. "We should get you back to jack," she said, turning round, expecting him to follow. But she didn't hear him move. She turned back around and he was just standing there, staring at her, his haunted look turning to one of determination.

"I aint going back." he stated.

Kate frowned, beginning to get impatient, "What do you mean you're not coming back, you have to, who knows what damage you've done to your hands."

"Don't matter, I'll be fine, I aint going back Kate that's final."

She flinched again at his flat use of her name. "What the hell is wrong with you sawyer. You gonna live out here by yourself? What about your things...what is wrong with you? Why are you being like this," she was beginning to yell, not knowing what at earth was going on in his head.

"Because it's too fucking hard!" Sawyer suddenly shouted at her, snapping out of his reverie. he had decided that this was the only way that he could be free of her, had to separate from her, and the group completely. it would be hard, but he had no choice, it was the only way he could get her out of his head, if he stayed around her, he didn't know what would happen, and it terrified him. But here she was yelling at him, when he was doing it for her own good, and the longer she was here, the more he just wanted to grab her and never let her go.

Kate just stared at him. "What's too hard sawyer, why wont you just tell me what's going on in your head?" she shouted back at him.

"I can't be around you anymore Kate, I can't see you, so I'm going to go, I've been alone all my life, I'm sure I'll be able to cope." Sawyer said staring at her, knowing he had to make her leave him alone, but she was so close to him, he could almost feel her against him. He was thinking about the way she tasted, the way she felt when he was inside her. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push away the memories.

Kate was speechless. Of all the conversations they might have been having, she did not foresee this one. "I don't understand," she said.

Sawyer looked at her, beginning to get angry at how difficult she was making this. He grabbed her face suddenly, his palms against the side of her head and his thumbs on her cheeks, almost forcefully. He pushed her face up until she was staring into his eyes from an inch away. "I will never have a normal life, never, that was taken away from me the day my parents died. And for a long time I have been alright with that, there is one purpose in my life and that is revenge. i made a promise to myself that I would make the man responsible for their deaths pay, the man who ruined my life. But I became just like him, a con-man," he spat the words out with disgust still looking into her eyes that were getting increasingly wide. "But that was okay, it was a sacrifice I had to make to find him, its not like I had anything to loose. Didn't matter if i was a good person or not, didn't matter that I was scum living off others destruction, cos I was around for one purpose. Then i wind up on this island, and by some twisted kind of justice I actually survive. I can't con, can't track him down," he chucked ironically to himself, "almost like I'd been given a second chance to give it all up, to stop being 'sawyer.' " he released her suddenly. "But I don't deserve that chance, and I don't want it neither. At least not until I met you." He took a few steps away from her. "At first I just wanted to screw ya," he couldn't help but slightly smile to himself. "But when you took that gun away from me in the jungle, I felt it, saw it in your eyes. You're not like other women, you were tough and vulnerable at the same time, and you got that same look in your eyes I see in mine, you got a twisted past, and you've done what you needed to do to survive. But you hated me, and that was fine..." He stopped suddenly, realizing what he was admitting to her, it was pouring out of his mouth like he couldn't control it, the need to tell her just how he felt. Kate just stood in the same spot motionless, not believing her ears. never had she imagined he would open up t her so much. She began to open her mouth, but sawyer turned around and looked at her with a pained expression on his face.

"You have to idea what last night meant for me, it was like I was a just a normal guy having fun with a girl, like a date or something. No baggage, no demons. I have never had that before, with anyone, just been able to get drunk and have fun without having an agenda, without being on a con, I'd never thought I'd get to experience it, and you gave me that." Kate could feel tears coming to her eyes and she began to walk closer to him, she really needed to touch him, but he held out a hand for her to stop.

"Ya know what I realized when I was sitting in that chair earlier with that baby in my arms and you by my side, I wanted a normal life, you made me want it, want a life with you. You made me feel something that I didn't think existed in me anymore. But I can't have a normal life, I can't, if we ever get off this island I've got a promise to keep to myself, and I can't give that promise up." He turned and looked at her, "That's why i can't see be around you, you make me want to give it all up...give anything up, just so I can be with you."

Kate was speechless and in shock, trying to process everything he had just said to her. Sawyer stared at her for a moment longer, trying to memorize every detail of her, then he turned around and walked away.


	14. Chapter 14

She didn't know what to think. He had just poured out his soul to her, and she didn't know how to react. Suddenly she was angry, so angry that she felt herself shaking. How dare he say all of this to her, and just walk away. Say everything she was longing for and also dreading that he would say to her. She stood there watching him disappear into the undergrowth, and the thought that she would never see him again after all he had just said made her want to scream.

Sawyer was glad he had his back to her, because she couldn't see the tears already beginning to form in his eyes. he could feel her gaze on his back, and all he wanted was to turn around and run back to her, but he knew he couldn't and it took all his resolve to continue each painful step away from her.

"Don't you fucking dare walk away from me sawyer," She shouted, the anger apparent in her voice.

Sawyer turned around, shocked at both the fact she was cussing, and the anger in her voice. He looked at her and saw she was trembling, and he just stood there. Did he really think that she was just going to let him walk away after all he said without an argument.

She stalked up to him, getting angrier with each step. "What the hell do you think you're doing Sawyer, how dare you tell me all of that and walk away from me."

He looked at her, surprised to see her level of hostility. "You think any of this is easy for me?" she said frowning at him, "I'm a wanted criminal sawyer, if we ever get off this island then I am going straight to jail." he looked away from her. "Yeah, seems like we both excuses doesn't it? Only I'm not a coward."

Sawyer looked at her with a glare, his own anger beginning to rise, and it felt good, helped to lift some of the pain in his chest. "I aint a coward sweetheart," he said in a low voice.

"Oh really, and running away, isn't that the cowards way out?"

Sawyer laughed cruelly, "And you would know all about that wouldn't you, if I recall running is what you do aint it, what does that make you?"

Kate refused to rise to his bait, "yeah, I have acted like a coward, I've let my baggage and my fear of getting hurt again get on the way of everything. But you know what, I'm getting tired of running, I want my life back Sawyer. And I don't know if I can do it, if I'm strong enough, or even if it's too late to try, but I'm willing to give it a chance, and that's what makes you a coward, you aren't even willing to try."

Every word she said stung him. He knew she was right, he was a coward, and here she was telling him all these pretty things, things he never thought he would hear her say. How could she want him, how could they ever work? He would end up hurting her, he knew it. He didn't think he was capable of making anyone happy.

"You think you know me but you don't," he said to her through gritted teeth. He knew the only way that she would let him go was if he told her everything, told her what he had done. "I aint a good person, I've told you this since the beginning, you wanna hear about all the women I screwed, just to get at their husbands money. how i destroyed their lives. Ya know I lost count a long time ago at exactly how many." He leant in towards her until they were only an inch away, "But that aint even the worse of it. ya wanna know why I was in Sidney? An old contact of mine told me they knew the whereabouts of Sawyer, the original Sawyer, going by the name Frank Ducket. So I fly out there and I find him, and I shoot him in the chest." Kate looked away form him, "Oh that aint even the best part, it wasn't even him. I had been conned, the guy owed my associate money. I killed an innocent man, I sat there and watched I him die."

He just stared at her, and she refused to make eye contact with him. He smiled sadly to himself and turned to walk away again, satisfied that he had pushed her away for good.

"I killed my father." Kate said quietly still looking away from him. he turned back around and saw she was staring into the distance, reliving it all again. "I waited on the porch for him to come home, stinking drunk as usual. I helped him inside, put him to bed, even took of his shoes and told him good night, all the time the house filling up with gas. As I drove away I threw a light in there and saw in explode in the rear-view mirror," she snapped out of her reverie and looked at him. sawyer was shocked at what she had just admitted, he had known she was on the run, but he had never guessed what she had done. "I killed him in cold blood sawyer," her voice was beginning to rise again, "So don't you dare try and push me away with all the shit you've committed. You wanna hear how I seduced a guy into helping me rob a bank? Just so i could get the toy plane of my high school sweetheart who I got killed when I was on the run," she couldn't stop the tears from flowing now she had mentioned Tom, "So don't you..." she couldn't speak through the sobs that had begun to wrack her body. She had never told anyone this before, and she felt like she had relived all the pain, all the guilt again.

Sawyer felt a pain greater than his injured hands seeing her break down like that, knowing it was his fault. he couldn't help himself from reaching out for her, drawing her into his embrace, her head resting against his chest and her sobs making his own body shake. They were holding each other like they were the last things on earth. sawyer could feel tears running down his own cheeks, but he didn't care anymore. They were crying for everything that had happened to them, everything they had done, all things the things that could have been, all the things that had been taken away from them. He had never felt more powerfully connected to anyone as he did right now, holding her like this, no barriers, no lies. he knew the worst or her and she knew the worst of him, and they were both still here. He knew in his heart that he could never leave her now. He was lost in her embrace, in the curves of her body, the sound of her voice.

He pulled away form her slightly and suddenly kissed her long and deep. He wanted to tell her with his mouth that he would never leave her now, that he would try and make this work, that he would try his best not to hurt her. She responded, exploring his mouth with her tongue, balling his shirt in her hands so he was crushed hard against her. their hands were feverishly covering every inch of each others bodies, neither wanted to let go of the other. Kate felt Sawyers hands travel under her top down to the fly of her jeans and snap them undone with one hand, using the other to slip down them in between her legs, pulling them down until they were around her knees. Kate moaned loudly into his mouth as he touched her, bucking against his hand, and she struggled to unclasp his own trousers. She could feel him hard underneath them pressed up against her, and she desperately wanted to free him. She pulled his own jeans down, glad to note that again he was not wearing any underwear, and gripped him in her hand, squeezing the long smoothness and running her hands up and down in teasing motions. Sawyer shuddered under her touch and pulled away from her feverish lips to utter a moan. They stood there with their foreheads touching, each exploring the other with their hands. Sawyer slipped one finger inside of her and she let out a satisfied moan, longing to feel him inside her again. It just turned Sawyer on even more to have her body shuddering against his. he withdrew his hand, ignoring the pain that it caused the cuts and bruises on them and she pulled off the shoes, jeans and underwear and he lifted her up until she had had legs wrapped around his waist.

He leaned her up against the nearest three, not even thinking to take his own jeans off, or either of their tops, they were too eager to take that next move. he entered her in one hard thrust and she screamed in pleasure, he continued the thrusts harder and harder, not worrying that he was hurting her because he could hear her own primal moans matching his own. The fact that the bark was rubbing against her back didn't matter, all she could feel was the constant movement of him inside her, making her convulse with pleasure. He thrust harder and harder, neither caring that anyone around could hear their screams. She felt herself near her climax and she dug her nails into his shoulders, thinking that the sheer ecstasy would consume her. The pain her nails caused just served to heighten his arousal and felt himself come into her hot and hard, his fingers digging into her hips, his own scream echoed by hers.

They were both panting, trying to catch their breath. Sawyer lifted her down onto the jungle floor and drew out of her, lying beside where he put her. They both instinctively reached out for each other, and he drew her into her arms until she was laying her head on his chest. She lay there; listening to his heart beat slow down, all her thoughts temporarily banished from her head apart from him lying beside her. He kissed her forehead, and pulled her closer to him, knowing that now he couldn't possibly live without her.


	15. Chapter 15

Eventually when they had both regained control of their limbs again, they pulled their clothes back on and had adopted the more comfortable position of sitting up against a tree. Sawyers back was against the tree, and Kate was sitting in-between his legs with her back pressed against his chest and her head lying against his shoulder. sawyers hands encircled her waist under her top, resting on her stomach, as he longed to feel her bare skin against him. They just sat their in silence for a while, enjoying the closeness of each others company. Kate was thinking back to their past encounters and smiling to herself at how they had ended up at this point. On the one hand it was totally surprising that they would end up in this position, but on the other, she had to admit that ever since the day she read his letter that the possibility was always in the back of her mind. She thought back to when the raft left, and how she thought she would never see him again, although part of her knew that their story wasn't over. Then Sun had shown her the bottle from the raft with the messages in them. She remembered the utter panic that had seized her in that moment, all of a sudden her comforting thoughts that she would one day see him again were shattered, and she was surprised at the intensity of that feeling.

"I thought you were dead," she murmured out loud, grabbing his hand that was lying on her stomach.

"What was that sweetness?" Sawyer asked, snapped out of his own comfortable thoughts by her voice.

"Claire found the bottle, from the raft, the one with the messages in them the day after you left, she gave it to Sun, because of Jin. Anyway, Sun lost her wedding ring and I was trying to comfort her saying it was only an object, then she told me about the bottle. I was so scared, I guess when you sailed I knew in the back of my mind I'd see you again, but when she told me about the bottle..." she trailed off, holding his hand tighter. Sawyer kissed the top of her head, smiling to himself at how sometimes she could be so sweet. "I remember manically reading the messages inside, thinking maybe you had written one, that if I was never going to see you again i could at least have that...but there was nothing there. I'll never forget the look on Sun's face when she realised why i was going through the bottle, but it felt right that she should know, if you were...it seemed right that people should know that there would be someone who cared that you were gone." she smiled to herself, "sorry, I'm rambling a bit. I swear you're going to turn me into one of those sentimental women if I'm not careful."

Sawyer chuckled, partly at the fact that she was trying to mimic him with covering sentiment with humor. But her words had deeply touched him, knowing that she did think about him when he was gone. He knew all he thought about was her, about how if they ever found rescue, he would find a way to stop her getting caught by the cops.

"Ya know Freckles, when the raft was blown up me and Mike found a bit of wreckage to sit on, then when morning came I noticed that we had drifted right back to the same island. And as much as I hate this place, knowing that I was back, and might get to see you again...it made it not seem so bad. But then my shoulder got real bad, and I knew that chances were I wasn't going to survive the journey back. Every painful step I took was cos the last thing I wanted to see before I died was your face one last time," he chuckled, "the last thing I remember before I passed out was Mike's face and I remember thinking that it sure wasn't as pretty as yours."

She smiled and pulled his arms tighter around her and she reached her head around to kiss him lightly on the lips.

"I'm gonna try so hard not to hurt you freckles," Sawyer said seriously all of a sudden, "I have no idea if I'll be any good at this relationship stuff, all I know are one night stands, but to be with you, I'm willing to try. You were right about me being a coward before, I've just tried so hard all my life to remain un-attached, and all of a sudden I found myself wanting to be with you more than anything, and it scared the shit out of me, because I didn't think i was capable of feeling like that anymore..."

"I'm scared too Sawyer, I've been on the run for so long, then i find myself trapped on this island, with no where to run too. I've never been able to make a relationship work, I've always found a reason to run away, but I want to try to be different," she turned around to face him, "I've found a reason to try and be different."

She looked into his eyes and kissed him softly, just a brush of lips. She trailed her fingers down his cheek, loving the feel of his stubble rough against her finger tips. he responded to her touch by burying his hand in her hair and kissing her harder. Suddenly she had switched positions and was kneeling in-between his legs, her hands running up and down his chest. He had moved his hands down to cup her ass as their kisses grew more intense.

She broke the kiss when she was struggling to breathe and resting her head on his shoulder. Sawyer grinned to himself at the waves of desire that were already running up and down his body, and chuckled to himself that 'this woman is going to be the death of me.' Although it was probably a good thing that they had stopped, the cuts on his hands had begin to scab over, and the bruises had gone a horrible purple brown, and he knew if he didn't want to catch another infection he should probably get them seen to soon.

"Ya think we should be heading back to camp sweetness, I dunno about you but I'm starving, maybe be should head back to the hatch get some food and I can let ol' Jacko take a look at my hands?" sawyer noticed Kate tense up when he mentioned jack's name. 'How am I going to tell jack?' Kate thought to herself, it wasn't that she didn't want to, it was just the thought of another emotional conversation after all that had just happened...she wasn't sure if she was up to it yet.

At first her reaction made a wave of anger surge through him. Then he tried to reason with himself, remembering his promise to try not to hurt her he had just made. After all that had just passed between them, surely he could allow her the luxury of not having to deal with Jack straight away.

He kissed her forehead, "Don't worry freckles, ya don't have to tell the doc anything, not yet anyway. I ... I understand that that aint gonna be an easy conversation to have."

Kate smiled up at him, so grateful that he understood without her even having to speak. "Thank you Sawyer, its not an excuse, it's just that I don't think I can handle anymore emotional baggage today."

Sawyer stood up and offered her a hand to help her up as well. She took it and he lifted her up. They began to walk back in the direction the came, surrounded in a comfortable silence, neither having to talk. Kate put her arm round Sawyer's waist, and he smiled and put his arm around her shoulder and they walked along holding each other like that.

Suddenly they heard a piercing metallic sound, a sound like a roar, the horribly familiar sound of the 'monster.' Kate looked at sawyer with panic in their eyes, and he grabbed her hand and they began to run in the direction they hoped was the beach. Sawyer suddenly tripped over on something, dragging Kate down with him. They landed with painful thump, but gladly hearing that the noise was gradually beginning to face into the distance. They both looked over to what had tripped them and Kate felt her stomach sink as she stared at the unconscious body of Jack, covered in blood....


	16. Chapter 16

Kate crouched there for a few moments in complete shock, she felt all the blood drain from her face and began to shake. Sawyer's eyes widened when he saw Jack's body slumped on the ground, but he was quicker to leap into action. He immediately kneeled by the body, feeling for a pulse. his fingers slipped on the wet blood covering Jack's neck, but eventually he found the right point, and could pick up a weak pulse. He surveyed the rest of the man's injuries. his whole body was covered in blood, which was oozing from several deep lacerations to his body, and many lighter cuts and scrapes. His right shoulder has a bloody mess, and his shirt had been practically ripped off. Sawyer noted that most of the cuts seemed to be on his torso, and there were only a few on his upper legs. sawyer let out a shaky breath he didn't even realize he was holding. What the fuck did he know about medicine? He tried to think about what the most sensible thing to do would be, and he check the deeper cuts, that none of them were near the major arteries in the wrists or thigh. He lifted his top over his head and pressed it to the deeper cuts on his chest, applying pressure. There didn't appear to be, so he looked over to Kate who had gone completely white, with tears in her eyes.

"Is he alive?" Kate managed to squeeze out, terrified of the answer.

"Yeah, he's got a pulse, but it's not strong." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. he was no doctor and he didn't know what the hell to do, but he did know that they couldn't leave him here bleeding to death, but he didn't know if any bones had been broken. Would be hurt him even more if he moved him?

"Freckles, will ya help me check if any bones are broken, we gotta get him back to the hatch," Kate blinked at him a few times, trying to register what he just said. 'Pull yourself together Kate,' she said to herself, 'you're no good to him like this.' He crawled over and began to tear the gashes already in his trousers, checking for bruising or swelling, luckily there didn't seem to be any. Sawyer proceeded to check his torso, and saw what was a nasty purple bruise over his collar bone, spreading to his shoulder, and figured that might be broken.

"It look okay down there babe?" he asked.

"Erm, I think so, I can't see any swelling, but the cuts on his thigh are deep." Kate replied, trying to stop her hands from shaking.

"I know baby, I know" Sawyer said absent mindedly, deciding in that moment that it was worth the risk to move him.

"You think you can find the way to the hatch from here if I carry him?"

"Yeah, I don't think its too far."

Sawyer nodded grimly and looked down at the injured man. "Help me lift him up," sawyer asked, and they managed to lift jack up until sawyer was able to position him over his shoulder. Jack didn't even let out a groan, which immediately set a warning alarm in sawyer's head. He looked at Kate who had managed to regain some of her composure, although she was still white as a sheet. 'please, please god let him live,' Kate was saying to herself, she felt tears creep into her eyes again at the memory of Sawyers body slung over Mr Eko's, but at least then there was Jack who knew what to do to fix him. Who would fix Jack? She was so grateful that sawyer was being to calm, she mentally kicked herself for reacting so badly.

They began to move at as fast a pace as Sawyer could manage with jack over his shoulder. he mentally kicked himself for putting Jack over his bad shoulder, the muscle still wasn't as strong and it hurt like hell. But he kept focused on the path ahead, thinking of the irony that he was rushing to save Jack's life, when he had thought many a time how much he'd like to beat him to a pulp himself. But he knew why he was doing it. She cared about him, on whatever level it was she still did, and he knew it would hurt her in a way she couldn't handle if he died. He knew she had lost too many people over the years. Somehow she would twist it until it was all her fault...and he wouldn't let that happen. Also in the back of his mind he knew Jack had saved his life, twice, and although he certainly was no hero, he wasn't gonna leave him to die.

Eventually they saw the hatch doors and both breathed a sigh of relief, sawyer was just hoping Jack had survived the trip.

Kate opened the door and they went in quickly, heading for the bunk bed. Locke was standing in the kitchen chopping some fruit when he saw the sight of an anxious Kate and the body of Jack draped over Sawyer's shoulder, both of whom were now covered in blood.

"What the..." Locke said in disbelief. Kate just looked at him.

"Help us John. We found him in the jungle; we think...we think it was the monster."

Locke rushed over and helped Sawyer lower Jack on to the bed. Sawyer quickly checked again for a pulse, and still managed to find a weak on, and he nodded to Kate who breathed a sigh of relief.

He didn't know what he was doing, why he was taking control. He turned to look at Locke, "Can you think of anyone to help?" he asked, trying to think of who, second to jack had any medical knowledge.

"Sun helped last time, with Boone I mean," Kate said, remembering how she helped Jack.

"And Sayid, when Charlie cut his head on one of Rousseu's booby trap, he fixed it with gunpowder." Locke ventured.

Sawyer nodded his head, "Right, right, could you to the beach and find them?" he asked Locke, knowing that Kate wouldn't want to leave.

Locke was quiet for a moment, thinking whether sawyer of all people was the right person to be tending to Jack, but he had obviously done alright this far, and he didn;t think saying anything would help he situation so he nodded and ran to get help.

Sawyer exhaled and let out his breath, trying to think of the next thing to do.

"I need the medical things Freckles, towels, antiseptic, a needle and thread..." he trailed off, thinking ahead to how he can try and save Jack's life.

Kate ran off to get Jack's medical bag, and when she returned got out the things sawyer had mentioned. Jack ripped off Jack shirt and ripped the holes in his jeans bigger so he could gain access to all the cuts. Some of the more minor ones had stopped bleeding, but the bigger ones were still seeping blood.

"Okay Freckles, we're gonna have to sew him up, and you gotta help me cos we need to do it quickly, I don't know how much blood he's lost already. Can you do this?" sawyer asked looking at her.

Kate nodded and sawyer smiled slightly and kissed her quickly on the lips. They proceeded to try and get rid of the blood that was covering him with the towels so they could properly see the lacerations. There were three particularly nasty ones, two on his chest and one on his abdomen. Most of the skin had appeared to have been ripped from his shoulder, and sawyer didn't know what to do about that, so he just poured antiseptic over it. Once they had cleared away most of the blood, they poured antiseptic over the cuts and began to sew them up. Kate thought back to the first time she met Jack, when she had last sewn him up, and she smiled sadly. That time she had done alright, she just hoped this time she could do the same.

By the time Locke arrived back with Sun, Jin, who had insisted on accompanying Sun and Sayid, Sawyer was sewing up the last cut on Jack thigh. There had been seven in total. All three people had been equally surprised when Locke had told them that it was Sawyer, along with Kate who was trying to help Jack, and they had taken so long because Sun had gone by her garden to pick some herbs she thought might help.

Sawyer sighed in relief when he saw that help had arrived, his hands were beginning to shake as the adrenaline began to wear off.

"Is he alright?" Sun asked.

Sawyer sighed; "I don't know, the bleedings stopped but..." he trailed off. Jack was deadly pale, and Sawyer knew that he may have lost too much blood, there had been so many cuts. Sayid who had remained silent, went over to kneel beside the bed checking Jack over. He hadn't much medial experience either, but he had had to help fellow injured soldiers in battle. He noted that they had done a pretty good job of sewing him up. But his collar bone had broken, and his shoulder looked raw.

"I think his collar bone in broken," Sayid commented, "but there is nothing we can do to fix that, it should mend by itself. His shoulder should be covered though." Sawyer nodded. He had forgotten about the shoulder whilst he was trying to carefully sew up the cuts. He cut a large part of gauze and taped it over the shoulder.

Sayid got up and motioned for Sawyer to join him in the other room. Sawyer glimpsed at Kate quickly, who was holding Jack's hand staring at him, and followed Sayid.

"He needs a blood transfusion or he will die," Sayid said quietly, not wanting to panic anyone else.

Sawyer ran his hand through his hair, "And how the hell are we supposed to do that?" Sawyer asked.

"If I am not mistaken Jack gave his blood to Boone, there has to be a way. Sun," Sayid called. She walked over to them.

"Jack's needs a blood transfusion; can you remember how he did it before with Boone?"

"Yes, I found him a sea urchin, he used that attached to a plastic tube," Sun replied calmly.

Sayid smiled, "Good, that's good Sun, now can you remember his blood type?"

Sun thought for a moment, "O-negative."

"Are you sure? Because if we get it wrong it could kill him."

"Yes I'm sure, I remember him saying that it was the universal donor type."

"Okay, that's excellent Sun, could you find me a sea urchin, actually get Jin to do that, and can you ask everyone at the beach is their blood is O-negative."

Sun nodded and turned to go tell Jin what was happening.

"There's not need to ask around about the blood," Sawyer said, causing both Sayid and Sun to turn and look at him in confusion. "I'm O-negative."


	17. Chapter 17

They both stared at Sawyer is confusion. It had surprised them enough when they had heard that Sawyer had taken control of trying to save Jack, but now he actually willing to give his own blood for him. The open dislike that Sawyer had for Jack had been obvious to everyone since day one on the island, so Sayid couldn't help but think, based on what he had seen of Sawyer's character, that he must want something out of the situation, although, he couldn't quite figure out what. Suddenly Sayid remembered the fact that Sawyer had chosen to take no revenge against him after he had tortured him. His magnanimous attitude had surprised him then, and he was left with the same feeling now that he did then, that there was more to this man than first met the eye.

"Are you sure Sawyer? I have never given anyone a blood transfusion before, let alone one made with sea urchins and rubber tubes." Sayid asked, trying to see if he could work out sawyer's motivations from his reply. Sayid was incredibly good and knowing when people were lying, as well as reading people, it came from years of torturing, but he had to admit that Sawyer had always been surprisingly difficult to read.

Sawyer thought for a moment, "The longer it takes to find a donor, the worse his chances are right. I don't know if you realised but those cuts were very deep, and we were walking for a while. He may already have lost too much blood anyway. Seems pretty pointless wasting more time running about the beach trying to find another match don't it." Sawyer replied. He rubbed his eyes. It had been one hell of a day, a regular rollercoaster ride.

Sayid nodded, still as confused as before, but sawyer was right, the longer jack went without blood the less chance there was that he would recover. And the chances were slim as it is.

"Okay," Sayid said, "Sun, you take Jin with you and try and find a sea urchin as quickly as possible." She nodded and began to walk away, "Oh and Sun," he called. She turned round, "don't let anyone find out about Jack. It will cause a panic, and we need to focus our attention on him at the moment." Sun nodded again and took Jin by the arm, explaining what was happening to him in Korean as they went.

"I do have one condition though." Sawyer said to Sayid, looking at him seriously.

Sayid smiled to himself, he knew that there must be some reason why he was doing this.

"No one can know it was me."

Sayid frowned, "Excuse me?" That was not the answer he was expecting.

"No one can know that it was me who gave Jack blood. And you can tell Sun, Jin and Locke to keep quiet as well, or I wont do it." he replied, his face deadly serious.

Sayid was dumbfounded. "But...why?"

Sawyer sighed; he did not want to have to explain himself to Sayid of all people. "Does it matter?"

"I suppose not, I am just intrigued why a man who appears to care only about himself would offer to give his own blood to someone who he has made perfectly clear he dislikes."

Sawyer chuckled to himself. He looked over at Kate who he could just see through the bedroom door. She was kneeling by the bed, checking Jack's pulse to see if it was remaining steady. "I got my reasons Sayid, but I aint about to explain them to you."

Sayid followed his gaze, and suddenly realised why he might be doing it. He smiled to himself, nodded at Sawyer and walked back into the bedroom to try and find some rubber tube in Jack's medical bag.

Kate looked up at him as he entered. "What's going on?"

"Jack needs a blood transfusion, he has lost too much of his own blood." Sayid replied, as he was looking through Jack's medical bag.

A wave of fear ran through Kate, when jack had tired with Boone it hadn't worked, and did they even know his blood type, and who was going to do it? All these questions ran through Kate's head as Sayid managed to find some rubber tubing. He looked over at Kate and noticed how worried she looked.

"Don't worry Kate, Sawyer has the same blood type," he smiled slightly, "he has offered to be the donor."

Kate stared at him disbelief for a second, then another wave of fear went through her. It couldn't be the safest thing for him to do, she remembered how sick Jack had been after he gave his blood to Boone, and he had known what he was doing, how much to give him...

"Could you keep an eye on Jack for a moment?" she asked, she desperately needed to talk to Sawyer.

"Okay," Sayid replied and watched her leave.

Sawyer was leaning against the table staring into the distance when Kate left the bedroom. She walked up to him and he watched her approach with a sad smile on his face. Kate wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against his chest. Sawyer responded and held her as well.

"Are you sure you want to do this Sawyer," Kate asked, still resting her head against Sawyer's chest.

"I've already gone through all of this with Sayid, Freckles, and its fine. But you gotta promise me one thing sweetness, you can't tell anyone it was me."

Kate pulled away and looked up at him and sighed. She thought he might have put all this everyone hating him crap behind him now, but obviously not.

"Why Sawyer, you are doing a brave thing, why can't people know about it? Why won't you stop trying to make people hate you?" she asked, her voice raising a bit in her frustration.

"I aint doing it for them, I aint even really doing it for him, I'm doing it for you." he said quietly, looking away from her, wishing she hadn't forced him into admitting it.

Kate felt tears form in the corner of her eyes. Sawyer looked at her and saw this. "I know you...care about him, and I get the impression you've lost one too many people in your life," Kate felt a tear roll down her cheek, "And I get the impression that you can't take loosing one more." He brushed the tear away from her cheek and kissed her gently on the lips.

"But what if I loose you?" she replied, her voice shaking slightly, "It's hardly safe, and Sayid had never done it before and..." Sawyer cut her off with his lips, swallowing her words.

He pulled away and looked down at her, "You aint gonna loose me Freckles, I promise, it'll be okay."

She smiled slightly, still worried, but she felt slightly comforted by his words. "So why don't you want anyone to know Sawyer, I still don't understand?"

Sawyer sighed, "Lets just say its my first task of redemption shall we sweetness. And redemption aint redemption if you get praised for it."

She looked at him in surprise. When he had promised to give some kind of relationship between them a go in the jungle, she hadn't expected this.

"Why sawyer, why now?" she asked, although she secretly knew the answer, she just needed to hear him say it.

He cradled her face in his hands, "Cos now I've got a reason to try."


	18. Chapter 18

After 10 minutes he had still not woken up, and Kate tried to ignore the pit of worry she could feel eating away at her insides. She had decided she would busy herself cleaning up his hands, and was now running a cloth as softly as possible over them, trying to clear away the blood, so she could see the damage more easily. She figured he couldn't have done any real damage, not after the way he made love to her against that tree. She grinned at the remembrance, well 'making love' was maybe not the right word for what they did, she supposed it couldn't really be described as anything other than fucking, but it sure was good. She looked at him again, it shocked her each time at how attracted she was to him. She really always had been. Call it instant lust, call it raw animal magnetism, there was always something about him that made her pulse speed up whenever she was near him. And then that first kiss...well that had certainly shocked her, the fire that was between them. It was probably a good thing that he was tied up because if he had jumped her, she wasn't sure she could have said no.

Anything she had shared with Jack after that moment just hadn't compared, yeah she did care about him, she even thought she had deeper feelings for him at one point, but it always came back to sawyer, that swaggering walk, that chest, that smile he gave when he thought he was being funny or cute, the one that really flashed his dimples. That raw look in his eyes when they had shared a few moments together such as his letter and the 'I never' game, there was never anything to compare when she was with Jack. It was almost as if someone had carved out two people who were just as fucked up as each other and placed them together, knowing that in each other they could find something that they had both been searching for all their lives, but never knowing exactly what it was. They had both fought so hard to stop it from happening, from letting anyone in, from breaking down those oh so precious boundaries. But it had happened, despite their best efforts to stop it, and she was so glad it had.

She covered his hands in anti-septic, putting a small piece of gauze over one particularly nasty looking cut and sighed. He still wasn't awake. At that moment Sun walked out of the bedroom and kneeled down next to her.

"How are you doing Kate," Sun asked kindly. She had been alerted to Kate's possible feelings towards sawyer when she had told her about the bottle from the raft, but from the way she was looking at him now, she could tell things must have progressed further. But Sun hoped to think that Kate considered her a friend, so she thought she would give her the opportunity to open up if she wanted to.

Kate looked at Sun and smiled weakly, "I'm alright, I would be a lot better if he woke up."

"I remember how ill Jack was after he gave Boone his blood. It is probably a good thing he is sleeping, gathering his strength back."

Kate just smiled at the effort Sun was making to reassure her, although it wasn't really working.

"Sayid told me that Sawyer does not want anybody to know that he saved Jack's life, and while I do not understand why he wants this, I thought I should tell you that neither Jin or I shall say anything if he doesn't want us too." Sun said, looking briefly at Sawyer. She did not understand that man at all, why he did not want anybody to know that he was a hero, but she believed in the importance of keeping your word.

"Thanks," Kate replied smiling at her friend.

Sun realised that Kate did not feel like talking about what had happened between her and sawyer, so she smiled at her once more and went back into the bedroom to see Jin.

"You're such a pain in the ass, did you know that," Kate said to sawyer's sleeping form. "This is the second time I've had to sit at your bedside willing you to wake up," she sighed, "What am I going to do with you?"  
"I can think of a few things," Sawyer said hoarsely, his eyelids opening slowly, feeling as if they had led weights on them. He frowned at how shitty he felt.

Kate knew she was grinning like an idiot, but she didn't care. She just felt so relieved to hear him talk.

"What happened?" Sawyer asked, looking around him, realizing he was lying on the sofa.

"You passed out," Kate replied, "You had me worried for a while, Tex." she tried to make it sound like a joke, but Sawyer could see that she was being serious.

He reached up and cradled her cheek in his hand. She closed her eyes for a moment, savoring his touch. "Sorry to scare you baby, it aint easy being a hero ya know."

She smiled down at him. "Do you think you can sit up, Sayid says that you should have something to eat, to regain your strength."

"Sure I can, if you put your pretty little arm around me," Sawyer said, giving her his trademark grin. Kate grinned back and helped him into a sitting position.

Kate went over to the kitchen and began to fix him some food, she found some boar that had been stored, and gave it to him, along with some fruit. As she brought it to him and he noticed that his hands had been cleaned up.

"I take it you're the one who sorted out my hands," Sawyer asked.

"Well someone had to do it," Kate said smiling, "it kept me busy anyway, waiting for you to grace us all with your presence once again."

Sawyer chuckled and began to eat his food, not realizing just how hungry he had been. "How is Jack doing?" he asked, "did it work?"

Kate frowned, "Sayid said that his pulse was stronger and his colour had improved, but I'm not sure to be honest, I've been kind of busy," she said pointedly.

Sawyer grinned, knowing that it had been his bedside she had been at and not his. And this secretly pleased him a great deal.

Sayid walked back out of the bedroom again, he could hear voices, and figured that Sawyer had finally woken up. He saw them both sitting on the couch grinning at each other and chuckled to himself, he assumed that Kate's talk with him had gone well then.

"Glad to see you've joined the world of consciousness again Sawyer," Sayid said as he walked over to them.

"Well I'm just glad I didn't bleed to death, did the doc get enough of my good ol' blood?" Sawyer said with a grin.

"He is much improved, his breathing and heartbeat are better. You saved his life Sawyer," he said seriously.

Sawyer frowned, this praise made him uncomfortable, and he certainly wasn't used to it. "Yeah well, I just hope you've got everyone to agree not to say anything, and that goes for the doc too, I don't want him knowing."

Kate just looked at him, "Surely Jack's gonna realise that someone had to have given him blood when he sees his injuries sawyer, why can't you just tell him, and not the rest fo the group?"

"'Cos I don't want him knowing alright, just tell him the person wants to remain anonymous or something, but he is not to know, okay." Sawyer said firmly.

Sayid nodded in agreement, and Kate just sighed.

"I'd better go and check on him again," Sayid said, and disappeared back into the bedroom.

"You know you're one stubborn son of a bitch," Kate said to him.

Sawyer grinned, "That's the second time I've heard you cuss today Freckles, didn't know I'd be such a bad influence on ya. Although it does kinda turn me on," he said quietly leaning closer and planting a soft kiss on her neck just behind her earlobe. Kate shivered involuntarily, and she could feel heart quicken.

"You're such a tease," she said smiling at him.

"Baby, you got no idea, of course, I could show ya," he said with a wicked grin that instantly sent a wave of lust through Kate.

Suddenly Sun's head appeared from the bedroom door. "Kate, Sawyer, quick, he's awake," then she disappeared again.

They just looked at each other and got up and headed towards the bedroom door. Although Sawyer was annoyed that he couldn't drag Kate to some secluded place and live up to his boast, he had to admit he was intrigued to find out just what had happened to Jack.


	19. Chapter 19

After 10 minutes he had still not woken up, and Kate tried to ignore the pit of worry she could feel eating away at her insides. She had decided she would busy herself cleaning up his hands, and was now running a cloth as softly as possible over them, trying to clear away the blood, so she could see the damage more easily. She figured he couldn't have done any real damage, not after the way he made love to her against that tree. She grinned at the remembrance, well 'making love' was maybe not the right word for what they did, she supposed it couldn't really be described as anything other than fucking, but it sure was good. She looked at him again, it shocked her each time at how attracted she was to him. She really always had been. Call it instant lust, call it raw animal magnetism, there was always something about him that made her pulse speed up whenever she was near him. And then that first kiss...well that had certainly shocked her, the fire that was between them. It was probably a good thing that he was tied up because if he had jumped her, she wasn't sure she could have said no.

Anything she had shared with Jack after that moment just hadn't compared, yeah she did care about him, she even thought she had deeper feelings for him at one point, but it always came back to sawyer, that swaggering walk, that chest, that smile he gave when he thought he was being funny or cute, the one that really flashed his dimples. That raw look in his eyes when they had shared a few moments together such as his letter and the 'I never' game, there was never anything to compare when she was with Jack. It was almost as if someone had carved out two people who were just as fucked up as each other and placed them together, knowing that in each other they could find something that they had both been searching for all their lives, but never knowing exactly what it was. They had both fought so hard to stop it from happening, from letting anyone in, from breaking down those oh so precious boundaries. But it had happened, despite their best efforts to stop it, and she was so glad it had.

She covered his hands in anti-septic, putting a small piece of gauze over one particularly nasty looking cut and sighed. He still wasn't awake. At that moment Sun walked out of the bedroom and kneeled down next to her.

"How are you doing Kate," Sun asked kindly. She had been alerted to Kate's possible feelings towards sawyer when she had told her about the bottle from the raft, but from the way she was looking at him now, she could tell things must have progressed further. But Sun hoped to think that Kate considered her a friend, so she thought she would give her the opportunity to open up if she wanted to.

Kate looked at Sun and smiled weakly, "I'm alright, I would be a lot better if he woke up."

"I remember how ill Jack was after he gave Boone his blood. It is probably a good thing he is sleeping, gathering his strength back."

Kate just smiled at the effort Sun was making to reassure her, although it wasn't really working.

"Sayid told me that Sawyer does not want anybody to know that he saved Jack's life, and while I do not understand why he wants this, I thought I should tell you that neither Jin or I shall say anything if he doesn't want us too." Sun said, looking briefly at Sawyer. She did not understand that man at all, why he did not want anybody to know that he was a hero, but she believed in the importance of keeping your word.

"Thanks," Kate replied smiling at her friend.

Sun realised that Kate did not feel like talking about what had happened between her and sawyer, so she smiled at her once more and went back into the bedroom to see Jin.

"You're such a pain in the ass, did you know that," Kate said to sawyer's sleeping form. "This is the second time I've had to sit at your bedside willing you to wake up," she sighed, "What am I going to do with you?"  
"I can think of a few things," Sawyer said hoarsely, his eyelids opening slowly, feeling as if they had led weights on them. He frowned at how shitty he felt.

Kate knew she was grinning like an idiot, but she didn't care. She just felt so relieved to hear him talk.

"What happened?" Sawyer asked, looking around him, realizing he was lying on the sofa.

"You passed out," Kate replied, "You had me worried for a while, Tex." she tried to make it sound like a joke, but Sawyer could see that she was being serious.

He reached up and cradled her cheek in his hand. She closed her eyes for a moment, savoring his touch. "Sorry to scare you baby, it aint easy being a hero ya know."

She smiled down at him. "Do you think you can sit up, Sayid says that you should have something to eat, to regain your strength."

"Sure I can, if you put your pretty little arm around me," Sawyer said, giving her his trademark grin. Kate grinned back and helped him into a sitting position.

Kate went over to the kitchen and began to fix him some food, she found some boar that had been stored, and gave it to him, along with some fruit. As she brought it to him and he noticed that his hands had been cleaned up.

"I take it you're the one who sorted out my hands," Sawyer asked.

"Well someone had to do it," Kate said smiling, "it kept me busy anyway, waiting for you to grace us all with your presence once again."

Sawyer chuckled and began to eat his food, not realizing just how hungry he had been. "How is Jack doing?" he asked, "did it work?"

Kate frowned, "Sayid said that his pulse was stronger and his colour had improved, but I'm not sure to be honest, I've been kind of busy," she said pointedly.

Sawyer grinned, knowing that it had been his bedside she had been at and not his. And this secretly pleased him a great deal.

Sayid walked back out of the bedroom again, he could hear voices, and figured that Sawyer had finally woken up. He saw them both sitting on the couch grinning at each other and chuckled to himself, he assumed that Kate's talk with him had gone well then.

"Glad to see you've joined the world of consciousness again Sawyer," Sayid said as he walked over to them.

"Well I'm just glad I didn't bleed to death, did the doc get enough of my good ol' blood?" Sawyer said with a grin.

"He is much improved, his breathing and heartbeat are better. You saved his life Sawyer," he said seriously.

Sawyer frowned, this praise made him uncomfortable, and he certainly wasn't used to it. "Yeah well, I just hope you've got everyone to agree not to say anything, and that goes for the doc too, I don't want him knowing."

Kate just looked at him, "Surely Jack's gonna realise that someone had to have given him blood when he sees his injuries sawyer, why can't you just tell him, and not the rest fo the group?"

"'Cos I don't want him knowing alright, just tell him the person wants to remain anonymous or something, but he is not to know, okay." Sawyer said firmly.

Sayid nodded in agreement, and Kate just sighed.

"I'd better go and check on him again," Sayid said, and disappeared back into the bedroom.

"You know you're one stubborn son of a bitch," Kate said to him.

Sawyer grinned, "That's the second time I've heard you cuss today Freckles, didn't know I'd be such a bad influence on ya. Although it does kinda turn me on," he said quietly leaning closer and planting a soft kiss on her neck just behind her earlobe. Kate shivered involuntarily, and she could feel heart quicken.

"You're such a tease," she said smiling at him.

"Baby, you got no idea, of course, I could show ya," he said with a wicked grin that instantly sent a wave of lust through Kate.

Suddenly Sun's head appeared from the bedroom door. "Kate, Sawyer, quick, he's awake," then she disappeared again.

They just looked at each other and got up and headed towards the bedroom door. Although Sawyer was annoyed that he couldn't drag Kate to some secluded place and live up to his boast, he had to admit he was intrigued to find out just what had happened to Jack.


	20. Chapter 20

As they entered the room, Locke, Sun and Jin made way for them both. Sawyer frowned at the looks they were giving him. They were looks of curiosity and something else Sawyer didn't recognize, no one had looked at him like that before, it was almost like it was...admiration. It made him uncomfortable, like he had pins and needles going down his spine, made him feel things that he had kept bottled up for so long he didn't know what to do with them, so he just pushed them away. Letting Kate in as much as he had in the past two days was almost more than he could handle. He had been alone so long in his self-loathing, pitiful little world, letting it colour everything he saw, letting it colour the way everyone saw him. And these looks were beginning to scare the shit out of him. He had made a promise to himself in the jungle when he was with Kate earlier, that he would try his very hardest not to hurt her, and he desperately wanted to live up to his promise. But the more looks he got, the more he wanted to run away, to do something bad, to hurt someone, to pull a con. Anything to make them realise they were admiring the wrong guy, he was a mean no-good-son-of-a-bitch, and he did not deserve their admiration. He tried to push these thoughts to the back of his mind, and ignore the way they were looking at him, and focus on seeing what jack remembered, and getting the hell out of here, preferably back to his tent with Kate, where he can loose his mind in the curves of her body.

Jack's eyes were open, but he was obviously in a great deal of pain, someone had put another pillow behind his head so he was raised slightly. Kate had moved to beside his bed, and Sawyer hovered behind her, not liking this situation one bit.

"Glad to see you awake Jack," Kate said smiling, "You had us all very worried for a while."

Jack tried to sit up more, but he grimaced in pain. Kate took his arm and helped him sit up a bit more. Sawyer just clenched his jaw, hating every second that she was touching him.

"Thanks," Jack said to Kate, "What happened?" he asked, addressing it to the whole room.

"We could ask you the same question," Sawyer said, wanting to hurry this little spectacle along.

Jack frowned, "I was just out walking, trying to get some fruit, John had taken over hatch duty, so I thought I'd get some air, after I walked for about twenty minutes I suddenly heard the noise, of whatever is in the jungle," Kate turned to look at Sawyer briefly, both realising how close they had been to the monster themselves at that point.

"So I began to run," Jack continued, "then all of a sudden I felt myself being lifted of my feet, and all I could see was black smoke. Then, well then I woke up here." he said simply. He looked at sawyer who was drenched in dried blood, all over his shirt and some in his hair and on his face. "I take it you were the one who must have found me," he said to sawyer, not liking that fact at all. Sawyer frowned, he was really being slow today, of course Jack was going realise he was the one who found him considering he was covered in his blood.

He sighed, "I was out walking in the jungle, when I came across freckles," he lied, knowing Kate hadn't wanted to tell him about them just yet, and he figured considering Jack had just almost died, this was still what she wanted, "and then we heard the noise as well, so we ran, until we tripped over something. Turned out it was you. So we carried you back here, and luckily Sayid was visiting, he sewed you up...and here we are." Sawyer noticed most of the room was frowning at him, most of all Sayid, who did not feel comfortable taking the credit for what Sawyer had done.

Jack frowned, "I must have lost so much blood, I don't understand..."

"We gave you a blood transfusion," Sayid said, "using the same device that you used with Boone, Sun helped us with that, as well as your blood type."

Jack sent a grateful smile in Sun's direction and she blushed slightly, glad she could have been a help.

"Who was the donor," Jack asked, wanting to know the person who he owed his life too.

Sawyer clenched his teeth, 'they better all stick to their word,' he thought.

"They wish to remain anonymous," Locke said, in his matter of a fact way.

"What?" Jack asked in disbelief, "Why would anyone do that?"

Locke raised his eyebrows, and Sawyer glared at him, "Who knows, maybe they're not comfortable with doing it, it was the condition that they agreed upon, and I think we should respect that."

Jack sighed; not liking the fact that he owed someone something, and he didn't even know who it was, made him feel out of control of the situation. "Okay, even though I don't like it."

"Well, if you'll excuse me doc I'd better be getting going now I've carried your sorry ass half way through the jungle," he said, turning around to leave.

Jack frowned again, not liking the fact that he owed Sawyer a thank you with the fact that he carried him to the hatch, even though he hadn't got so much as a good word from him any of the times he had patched him up. 'But then that's what makes me a better man,' Jack thought.

"Thank you Sawyer," jack said through gritted teeth.

"Aww shucks Doc don't mention it," Sawyer said with a trademark grin, "We all know we'd be screwed without you," he said, his last comment laced with sarcasm.

Kate smiled at Jack, and went to follow Sawyer, "Erm, Kate," Jack said. She turned back around. "Can I talk with you a minute." His near death experience had made him realise that it was time to tell Kate how he felt about her, to try and make her see that he could help her become a better person. Kate could see Sawyer's shoulders tighten ever so slightly and he sighed to herself.

"Sure Jack, hang on a sec and I'll get you a glass of water to swallow your pills," she said, going to talk to Sawyer.

"Sawyer...." she began, as they were out of earshot of the bedroom.

"Don't worry about it," Sawyer said, not wanting to hear her reasons for wanting to talk to Jack. All the doubts he had about Kate choosing him swam into his mind again, he didn't know what it would do to him if she changed her mind. 'You should have let him die,' a voice in sawyer's head said. But he knew he still wouldn't have let Jack die, he loved her, and sometimes loving someone meant letting them do whatever made them the happiest.

He sighed, "I'll see you later okay freckles," he said, refusing to look at her in the eye, and walked off in the direction of the bathroom before she could say anythiing else.

Kate just watched him walk away.


	21. Chapter 21

She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. She had seen the flash of hurt in his eyes. She didn't understand how someone so confident and attractive can be insecure in some ways. 'Can you blame him though,' a voice in her head told her, 'You have been stringing both Jack and sawyer along for so long now, of course he's going to doubt that you wont choose him after all.' She hated that she made him feel that way. She had worried all this time that she would be the one to end up with a broken heart, that she would be the one to get hurt, she didn't even realise how emotionally fragile he was. This was a massive step he was taking for her, and she knew it, and now he is probably thinking she is going to change her mind. She almost went after him, to tell him not to worry, but she stopped herself, realising what had to be done.

She got Jack a glass of water, and then walked back into the bedroom. Sayid, Locke, Jin and Sun took this as a cue to be leaving, and Sun flashed her a quick smile as she left which Kate returned.

Jack felt his heartbeat quicken when she entered, and she nervously smiled at him, not looking forward to this particular conversation.

"Jack..." she began to say.

"Kate, there's something I want to tell you," he said cutting her off, knowing that if he didn't say this now, he would loose his nerve. Kate sighed to herself, and sat in the chair next to his bed. "This whole experience has made me realise something, I have waited so long to tell you this, and then I almost never got the chance." he paused for a minute, and Kate realised what he was going to say before he said it and she inwardly groaned at how much harder it was going to make things, "I really care about you Kate," he admitted, taking her hand, "and I want to be with you. There has been this connection between us from the beginning, and I feel like its right to take the next step."

Kate bit her lip, at one point she would have liked to hear those words, hell maybe she would even have taken him up on his offer, and tried to push her thoughts of sawyer even further to the back of her mind. But that time had come and gone. She knew who she wanted, even if she didn't know how they were going to make it work, she knew she had to try. But she didn't want to hurt Jack. She did care for him very much, but she had realised any romantic feelings she did have for him had been forced. he reminded her so much of Tom in many ways, and although she loved Tom very deeply, there was a reason that their relationship would never work. She was a free spirit, she always had been, and she and Tom had wanted very different things, and she sensed that Jack would want those same things too.

"Jack," Kate began, "I...I'm sorry, I can't be with you in that way." Kate saw the look of hurt that was immediately apparent on his face and she cringed, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him, especially considering the state he was in. "I really do care about you Jack," she said squeezing his hand which she was still holding, "You have been such a good friend to me since we have been on this island."

"So what's the problem?" Jack asked incredulously, his world beginning to crash down around him. he hadn't thought she would reject him like this.

"I...I have feelings for someone else," Kate stated, looking away.

"Sawyer," Jack said, practically spitting the name out, clenching his jaw. How he hated that man, he had been a regular thorn in his side ever since they had been of this island.

Kate just nodded, "I know what you're going to say Jack, so there's no need. He gets me, in a way that I don't think anyone ever has. And I know you think that he is a selfish bastard who only cares about himself, but I've seen differently to you, and I'm so sorry that I am doing this to you, but..but...I love him," she blurted out, coming to the end of her ramblings. She couldn't believe what she had just said out loud, let alone to Jack.

When Jack heard her say those words it felt like he had been punched in the face, especially after knowing Sawyer felt the same way, after he had admitted it in his delirious state. He knew then that there was nothing he could say that was going to change her mind. She was one of the most fiercely determined women he had ever met.

Jack sighed, "He's going to hurt you, you do realise that don't you?" he stated, looking into Kate's eyes.

"Probably," Kate agreed, "Don't think I am going into this thinking it is going to be all hearts and roses, I am not that naive. He might hurt me and I might hurt him, but I've got to try Jack. Otherwise I'll never know if I passed up the best thing that had ever happened to me."

Jack wanted to rage and scream at her, tell her she was making a huge mistake, that they would be so much better off together, that she was too good for him. But he didn't, that's not the kind of person he was. What he would do is say nothing, to let her go and get her heart broken if that's what she wanted to do. But he would be waiting, and he would be the one to pick up the pieces when it all went wrong.

He sighed, "I don't know what you want me to say Kate, I think you're making a huge mistake, but I know I can't change your mind."

"I want you to say that you don't hate me, and that we can still be friends after all this."

"Of course we can still be friends, I just...I need some time to get used to this...change."

Kate nodded. "Well I'd better get going then, I'll pop in and see you tomorrow or something." Jack just nodded, and she walked out the room, determined to go and put sawyer's mind at ease, and relieved that she had got that over with.


	22. Chapter 22

After quickly leaving Kate, Sawyer had headed straight into the bathroom for a shower, determined to wash away Jack's blood that had soaked through his shirt (which was probably ruined) and had made him hair stick in clumps where the blood had dried. He quickly disposed of his clothes, and went into the shower, wanting to wipe every trace of that mans blood off him.

He felt like shit. He felt all achy and light headed still from the blood transfusion, although eating something had given him a certain amount of his strength back. His hands hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but he knew he only had himself to blame for that. 'Or you could blame her," a voice in his head told him, 'Your going to pieces over a woman, you know she is going to be the death of you. You can't control your emotions when you're around her. She makes you lash out, hurt yourself, hurt other people. And she's got you to play the hero already. You sure she aint gonna try to turn you into a saint. Make you more like Jacko? She's never gonna want you for who you are. Jacko may have been trying to change her, but she's gonna try and change you. What did you expect?'

He leant his head against the wall of the shower and sighed, and tried to push those voices out of his mind. She made him feel so insecure, and it wasn't a feeling he was used to. It was as if he had kept so many ordinary human emotions locked up tight so long ago, and over the past few months on this island she had been able to unlock them one by one, to be the only person who had looked at him, and actually saw what was behind the handsome face and southern charm. She did something to surprise him everyday, and he loved it about her. But all these new emotions...they were turning him into a wreck. Here he was absolutely shit scared that she was sitting in that room with Jack, holding his hand, listening to his declaration of love, and her returning it, realising that she had been wasting her time on him all along. He imagined them leaning closer until their lips met...

He snapped himself out of his reverie and reached for the shampoo. 'What did you think was going to happen James?' the voice in his head said, returning to torment him, 'That you were gonna play happy families? Walk along the beach hand in hand? That the girl would actually choose you after all the shit you've done. Life aint no fairy tale James, you should'a learned that by now. The good guy always gets the girl. And you aint the good guy in this ol' scenario, don't be thinking one act of bravery changes what you've done in the past. And here you are, alone again. Thought you might'a learned not to get attached, 'cos people are bastards James, they always let you down in the end, always leave you, always hurt you.' Sawyer could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

***

After Kate left the bedroom she could hear running water, so she guessed he must be taking a shower. She headed towards the bathroom, the door was closed, but much to her relief, it wasn't locked. She opened it quietly, wanting to surprise him. She could see his silhouette and it made her grin, and send a wave of lust running through her knowing the most gorgeous man she had ever been with was waiting behind that curtain. She felt so relieved that she had got that conversation with Jack out of the way, and she thought it would be worse than it actually was. Luckily Jack seemed to accept her decision; she just hoped that things would remain that way.

She quickly took of her clothes and left them in a pile beside his and steeped into the shower. Sawyer turned around as soon as he felt the curtain move, and noted with complete shock that a very naked Kate was standing behind him. He felt his heart jump up to his throat. It still shocked him to see her completely naked. She was truly the most beautiful woman he had ever been with, not for any particular thing, she didn't just have nice tits, or a nice ass, it was everything about her that made her beautiful to him. The way she stood, the way she leans her head slightly to one side when she flirts with you. That smile she gives you, that true smile, the one that is reflected in her eyes and the sprinkling of freckles across her nose and cheeks. He loved everything about her, from the curve of her leg to the fact that she did run when things got too much. There was nothing he would change, because to make her change would be to turn her into some ideal of herself, and he didn't want that. All he wanted was her. And it hit him like a sledge hammer to the face when he realised it, when he felt almost weak to the knees with relief at seeing her before him.

Without a word he just grabbed her and pulled her into an embrace, crushing her against him, burying his face in her hair, in the crook of her neck. And god it felt so good just to touch her. She was like a drug, touching her was almost euphoric, like she oozed some chemical that drove his senses crazy. He pulled back slightly, just enough to crush her lips with his reverently, tasting her and caressing her lips with his mouth and tongue.

Kate had seen the shock on his face when she walked in, and realised with sadness that he must have spent all this time thinking that she wouldn't return to him, that she would finally reject him like he had always thought she would. Then he drew her to him almost violently, and she loved the feeling of his arms wrapped around him. She considered herself a free and independent woman, but there was just something wonderful about having a strong pair of arms hold you tight, knowing that within them you are truly protected. As he stood there with her face against his chest, she smiled and just let everything else wash away from her mind so she could just take in being with him. She could feel herself fall away from reality, as if they were the only two people around, as if nothing else mattered apart from them, here together, now. And she loved that he could make her feel that way. Then he kissed her, and she could feel him pressed hard and ready against her stomach already. She let herself enjoy the kiss, and tried desperately from preventing her hips bucking against him, beginning him to enter her. But she wanted to talk to him first.

She pulled away from the kiss and smiled up at him, his eyes gone dark and determined with arousal.

"I told Jack about us," she stated, wanting him to know that she had finally chosen between them, that there was no reason to hide what they had anymore.

It took Sawyer a few moments to register what she had said, as most of his blood had drained from his brain. He looked at her in disbelief, not believing what she was telling him. "You being serious Freckles?"

"Of course I am," she said, "He admitted to having feelings for me," she looked away, "But I told him that I was with you, that I had chosen you, that I had to see if we could make this work, I told him that...that I love you." She looked back up at him, feeling shy all of a sudden she had no idea how he would respond to such a declaration.

Sawyer felt his heart stop when she said those three little words. Three words that he never expected to hear from anybody ever again. At first he thought he was dreaming. That this was some cruel and hideous dream: that he would wake up any minute, cold and alone in his tent. But nothing happened, he didn't wake up, it was all real, and here she was, here was Kate telling him that she loved him, and although it scared him, hell it terrified him, because it would make it so much easier to hurt her, he felt something so close to joy that it over took his mind and his senses so completely that he found himself standing the grinning like an idiot. Before he could stop himself he had picked her up round the waist and swung her around a few times, which proved to be difficult in the confines of a shower. Kate was surprised at first, but couldn't help but respond with laughter to his expression, she didn't think she'd ever seen him look so happy.

Suddenly he sobered up and placed her back on the floor, his smile being replaced with a look of seriousness laced with affection. He cupped her cheek with his less injured hand and kissed her softly. "I love you too Kate, I never thought anyone would make me feel this way again after..." he frowned slightly, and Kate kissed him again softly, she knew what he meant and told him wordlessly that he didn't have to say it. "You've made feel alive again, like I've got something to live for, something to wake up in the morning for," Kate felt a tear roll down her cheek and she smiled bashfully, Sawyer bent over slightly and licked it away, making Kate shiver.

"After Tom died...a piece of me died with him, the piece that had thought that maybe, one day, I might be able to find happiness, to find peace, to create some sort of a life for myself, something that didn't involve pain and violence and hurt. I thought that had gone forever, but you revived it, you revived me, and you did something that I didn't think was possible. You made me want to stop running."

He looked down at her and felt so many waves of new emotion he didn't know what one to concentrate on first. So he kissed her against, just a brush of lips, soft and tender. He cupped her cheeks with both hands, kissing her so delicately, like she would break, lapping at her lips like they contained some sweet elixir.

Kate responded and ran her tongue over his bottom lip, already swollen by all their kissing, running her hand up and down his back, her fingertips making him shiver with anticipation. Sawyer grabbed her hips, part of him wanting to grind against of her, the other part wanting to take it slow. He pulled away from her lips and buried his face in her neck again, planting soft kisses there. He continued down her shoulder, and then changed course bending down to trail light kisses over her breasts. This make Kate shudder under his touch, then he took one of her nipples into his mouth and sucked, making her give off a low moan. He continued his trail of light kisses down her flat stomach as he kneeled down in front of her, not stopping until her was trailing kisses over her inside thigh, deliberately teasing her not making that final movement. Kate let out a series of sighs and moans and he became dangerously close to that sweet spot, only to continue to kiss down her thigh. She found herself wantonly bucking her hips against his mouth, being driven crazy by his mouth. This made sawyer grin to himself, he was a great believer in the power of anticipation, but he longed to turn those sweet little sighs of hers into deep satisfied moans. He ran his tongue over her in quick soft motions, rewarded for his efforts by the noises Kate was making. He applied more pressure, slipping one of his finger in as well, causing Kate's legs to go weak, and she had to have a death grip on the shower to stop herself collapsing. It felt so good to have him inside her in any way. Then he slipped in two fingers, knowing from her high pitched mans that it was what she wanted. He continued in this way until he could feel her contracting around him, dangerously close to the edge.

He suddenly couldn't bear not being inside her properly anymore, so he swiftly withdrew his fingers, lifted her so she was straddling his waist and entered her. He felt his whole body shudder as he felt her tightly surrounding him, his whole body coursing with desire. Kate let out a low growl as he entered her. he whole body felt swollen with desire, so when he started moving in and out ever so slowly, with every slow thrust hitting that sweet spot deel inside her. She felt her nails digging into his shoulder. This deep pleasure was almost too much for her to handle. Sawyer was trying ever so carefully to thrust in this slow motion, savoring every feeling that he had when he slowly drew in and out. He could tell it was driving her crazy. Suddenly she leant over and whispered in his ear.

"Fuck me James, fuck me hard." He looked into her eyes and she grinned back at him.

"What my lady commands..." he said and lost his control, thrusting as deep and as hard into her as she could. He knew his body wasn't really capable of this much exertion, after what had happened, but he didn't care. All that mattered in that instant was the sound of their screams matching each others, the sound of flesh meeting flesh, and a feeling of unbelievable pleasure filling them up until they thought they would burst. Kate came first, with a scream, gripping hold of his shoulders so hard that they would probably bruise, Sawyer quickly followed, the feel of her contracting around him pushing him over the edge. The whole hatch could probably hear their screams, but in that moment they didn't care, the only thing that mattered was the feel of each others bodies.


	23. Chapter 23

Sawyer's legs had began to buckle from their exertion, so Kate took this as her cue to stop making him hold her weight and slipped down to stand next to him. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close while their racing hearts tried to slow down, giving them a chance to catch their breath.

"Do you think they heard?" Kate asked him, drawing away slightly so she could look up at his face. He always seemed so relaxed after sex, she noticed, his face slack, a big smile on his face. It seemed to draw all the tension out of him.

"Well based on those screams of yours Freckles, I'm willing to bet we put on quite a show for them," Sawyer said grinning, it didn't bother him one bit that anyone had heard them, Kate on the other hand felt slightly mortified that they heard her scream with such wanton passion.

"If I remember correctly Tex, my screams were no louder than yours," Kate retorted, wanting to remind him that she wasn't the only one who had lost control of their senses.

Sawyer chuckled, "Good point sweetness, guess you shouldn't be so damned hot then, maybe I'd be able to control myself better," he said grinning down at her.

Kate just rolled her eyes, and turned around, picking up the soap and started washing herself. She could feel Sawyer's eyes watching her as she did it, and she grinned to herself. She turned back around and looked him in the eyes, deliberately lathering herself in soap slowly, concentrating on certain areas. His arousal became obvious, and she smiled at him, loving the reaction she could get out of him. Suddenly he closed the space between them, and replaced her hands with his own, the soap making it so much easier to touch every inch of her body. He began to massage her breasts, and she let out a sigh, closing her eyes and leaning her head back.

Suddenly he stopped and Kate's eyes flew open, only to see him grinning down at her, content that he had won their little game.

"You are such a tease!" Kate said.

"Coming from the girl who was erotically lathering herself up!" Sawyer replied with mock indignation.

Kate just laughed.

"So, you wanna be getting back to my tent then Freckles?" Sawyer asked.

"What makes you think that I want to go back to your tent with you?" Kate replied.

"Because of this," Sawyer said as he slipped two fingers inside of her quickly, Kate let out a gasp and grabbed hold of his arm, her eyelids fluttering.

Sawyer chuckled to himself, and Kate glared at him for proving just how much she wanted him.

In retaliation Kate ran her hands up his inside thigh, her fingertips trailing over him. He let out a low growl and it was Kate's turn to grin at him.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who's aroused," Kate retorted.

Sawyer grinned back at her, "Well whatta we waiting for darlin'?" he asked.

They quickly managed to put their clothes back on, which was hindered somewhat when Sawyer just couldn't help but kiss her, which ended in Sawyer pinning Kate against the wall. He pulled away and they both laughed shakily, secretly loving the fact that they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

They walked out of the bathroom, to be confronted by Locke and Sayid sitting at the kitchen table, discussing something. They both looked up when they heard Kate and Sawyer approaching. Kate tried her very hardest not to blush at the thought of them sitting their listening to the show they must have put on in the bathroom.

"How's Jack doing?" she asked, noticing the bedroom door was shut.

"He's alright," Sayid said, "He will need to rest for a while, he can't really move too much with all those cuts and bruises, as well as the broken collar bone, but he's seems to think that if he avoids infection he will be fine." What Sayid failed to mention was the fact that he had just been in to see Jack, to check on his stitches and his general condition. This just happened to be at the point when very obvious noises began to come from the bathroom. Sayid had seen how Jack's eyes darkened, and how he had clenched his fists as much as he was able. He was obviously hurting, and not just from his physical injuries. Sayid hadn't said anything, because he was sure he wouldn't get any thanks from Jack if he did, but he did feel sorry for him. He was glad to see that Kate seemed to have come to a decision though. it was obvious someone was going to get hurt out of that situation, Sayid just didn't think Jack thought it was going to be him.

"Oh that's really good," Kate said smiling. "Anyway, we're going to head back to the beach now, I'll see you later." Sayid and Locke both said their goodbyes, and Kate headed off in the direction of the door, but not before Sawyer had sent a huge grin in the direction of the two men sitting at the table.

Sayid and Locke could hear giggling as the hatch door opened and couldn't help but smile.

"They seem strangely suited don't you think?" Locke said.

"Yes I suppose they do, she seems to bring out a different side of him, which based on his actions today, could be much better for the group." Sayid replied thoughtfully.

***

As soon as they stepped out into the jungle Sawyer had tripped over on a tree root and fallen to the floor. This had sent Kate into fits of laughter, which just fueled Sawyer's anger at the offending tree. He went to kick it, but Kate reminded him of the outcome when he had his last 'disagreement' with a tree, and he managed to curb his impulse. After rubbing his injured knee, they had proceeded to continue on the path towards the beach.

Sawyer grabbed Kate's hand without looking at her, and Kate smiled to herself and laced her fingers through his. It was strange how these smaller intimacies felt much more daunting to achieve for both for them rather than having sex. They figured it was because they had both used sex to get what they wanted at certain points, but holding hands, holding each other in their arms, it was these small intimacies that made their hearts race because it was such new territory. Sawyer was surprised how good it felt just to be walking along with her hand in his. He glanced over at her, seeing that she was glancing over at him at the same time, though she quickly turned away with a smile when she saw him notice this.

Sawyer cleared his throat. "I'm thinking about extending my tent," he said, with a quick glance at her.

Kate laughed, "You have the biggest, most elaborate tent of anyone Sawyer, why would you want to make it bigger?"

"Well...I guess I just figured I might have someone to share it now," Sawyer said, deliberately staring straight ahead.

Kate was shocked at first. They hadn't exactly outlined exactly what their relationship would entail, and here he was saying he wanted her to practically move in with him. She knew it was different than it would have been in the real world; her tent was only a minute away from his, and pretty shabbily constructed. But it was still a big deal for her.

"Sounds like a good idea," Kate replied nonchalantly, but couldn't help but look over at him and smile. Sawyer grinned back, relieved that she had said yes, but loving the way she had replied. So many other women would have started gushing or crying or something if they had been asked to move in with a man. But not Kate, and he loved it about her.

"First thing we have to do it make a bigger bed," Sawyer said, thinking out loud.

Kate laughed, "Is that all you think about?"

"Don't pretend you don't love it," Sawyer teased.

Suddenly they could see they were approaching the beach through the trees. Kate felt her pulse speed up, this was the last opportunity to stop what was happening between them, so far, only a few people knew, but in 30 seconds, the whole group would.

Sawyer sensed this tension in her, "Ya don't have to go through with this if you don't want to Freckles, we can still keep this a secret," Sawyer said.

Kate looked at him for a moment. She appreciated what he was saying, but noticed how carefully he was trying to keep his expression non-caring. She leaned over and kissed him, and led them both onto the beach, still holding his hand.

There beach was quite busy, some people were sitting around talking, others busying themselves with small tasks like washing their clothes, or tidying their tents. They got quite a few odd glances from people. People would look at them in greeting, then see them holding hands, and either turn to whisper to each other, or just stare in plain shock. Kate just gripped Sawyer's hand harder, and Sawyer did his best 'I dare you to say something' glare at them. When they passed Claire's tent, however, Sawyer's expression softened, as he saw her grinning at them, with Aaron in her arms. She waved at Kate, who smiled and waved back, glad to have one friendly face in the crowd.

Charlie was in the process of walking over to Claire's tent when the couple had walked out of the jungle.

"Well that's certainly a strange sight?" Charlie said, as he approached Claire and Aaron.

Claire hit him playfully on the arm, "I think they're really sweet!" she said. "It's nice to see them both happy."

They had almost reached the sanctity to Sawyer's tent, Kate noted with relief, but then they ran into Sun and Jin. They were both smiling at the couple, and Jin presented Sawyer with a freshly prepared fish. He then proceeded to shake Sawyer's hand, much to his surprise. At first this made Sawyer very uneasy. He didn't want anyone knowing what he had done, and here Jin was treating him like he was his best friend or something.

Sawyer smiled gingerly at him, and led Kate into his tent, glad to leave the rest of the island behind.


	24. Chapter 24

Well that was...interesting," Kate said, sitting herself down on Sawyer's airplane chair.

"I thought it went alright actually, after all, they could have started throwing rocks or something," Sawyer replied, thinking back with a smile to when Kate threw a rock at his knee when he followed her into the jungle. He looked over at her and grinned.

"Do you think we should tell them about Jack?" she asked him.

Sawyer thought for a moment, "I'm sure Mohammed and Ghandi will deal with that. You sure you wanna go back out there anyway freckles, you might start getting heckled for shacking up with the big bad wolf." The tone of his voice was light, joking, but deep down he was worried about the way Kate would be treated by the rest of the group. He didn't really give a shit, never had, but he knew Kate had been working hard to get them to accept her, especially after his little outburst before he left on the raft. She had possibly sacrificed all the work she had been putting in, just for him.

He went and sat down beside her, scooping her up in his arms and placing he so she was sitting side ways on his lap, letting her ass slide down in between his legs, so her legs were hanging off the side, and her head was resting on his shoulder.

She looked up at him and smiled and kissed his shoulder where she was lying. He looked down at her with a slightly sad smile.

"Hey," she said, reaching up to cup his cheek, "I've had to put up with much worse than a few people looking down at me, if they choose to do that, that's their problem. It doesn't matter anyway," she reached up and kissed him lightly on the lips, "I'm not alone anymore."

She gave her a big grin and pulled her in for another kiss, only this time there was more fever behind it. Sawyer was suddenly very aware of the feel of Kate's ass pushed up against his groin, something which he found very arousing, which Kate couldn't help but acknowledge. Kate inched her hands under Sawyer's shirt, stroking her hands along the smooth expanse of his chest and abdomen. It seemed all conscious thought slipped away whenever she touched him, all she was aware of was the feel of his body against her, the taste of his lips; the feel of him hard and ready against her. She loved the way he could make her forget about everything other than the moment, but it scared her as well. She couldn't think straight around him, every sane thought was chased away as she felt his hot mouth against the soft skin of her neck, his tongue running over her earlobe. They had only had sex three times, but already her body ached for him in a completely different way. She had always lusted after him, always wondered what it would be like to take that step with him. Now she knew, and it was more amazing than she could have possibly imagined. But then sex was something Sawyer obviously took very seriously, to him it was like an art form, and she was his medium. But even though they had only had sex no more than an hour or so ago, her body already ached for the feel of him inside her again. Theirs was a passion that would consume you completely, a passion that once it had touched you, you would never feel complete again without it, something would always be missing. And she prayed then silently to whoever might be listening, she had never been a religious person, and she certainly didn't believe in 'God' in any traditional sense of the world, but for that split second she prayed that nothing would make her have to give him up.

Suddenly Sawyer's hand ran down the length of one of her legs, massaging her over the denim of her jeans. This pulled Kate away from her thoughts and she let out a low moan, which sawyer noted appreciatively, and moved to kiss her once again. Kate very slowly angled her ass so she could gently move it against his groin in slow movements. This caused Sawyer to moan into her mouth and dig his fingers into her thigh. Kate was suddenly aware of how close they were to the door of his tent, in fact, if Sawyer moved his head, he could see the long expanse of the beach, with the usual people milling about. If anyone walked close by, they were bound to hear there even most stifled moans.

Kate pulled away enough to disengage her lips from his, "Don't you think that we should move back onto your bed, if anyone walks close to the tent they're going to hear us."

Sawyer just grinned at her, as if to show that he didn't mind this at all. but this didn't really surprise Kate much, coming from the man who liked to swim in the sea naked as the day he was born, strolling back his clothes without a care for who happened to see him.

"But don't that just make it more fun," he whispered suggestively into her ear. Suddenly he lifted her by the waist so she was no longer sitting sideways in-between his legs, but was now straddling him. "Now that's better," he said with a wicked grin, and began to move in long hard strokes underneath her, causing her groin to rub over the top of his. the friction from their jeans just caused to enhance the feeling. They both groaned out loud, trying their best to keep the noise quiet. Kate couldn't help but realise that knowing a strong gust of wind would blow open the flap of his tent and reveal them to the rest of the camp very exhilarating, and made her want him even more. She unbuttoned his fly and lifted herself up so she could pull down his jeans to his ankles, exposing himself to her. She couldn't help but take him in her hands and caress him, noting with glee the reactions she got from him. He grabbed the waistband of her own jeans and pulled them off, shoving them off one leg and then the other. When she was naked pressed up against him, he entered her, and they both had too dive for each others mouths, just to swallow the satisfied groans that leapt forth from their mouths. Sawyer gripped her hips tightly, and began to move her in hard firm strokes on top of him, creating a rhythm which Kate was quick to join. She could feel the breeze against her bare ass, she had her back to the opening of the tent, so she couldn't tell if it had blown open, if they had been exposed. This caused a wave of lust to flow through her and she drove against him harder and harder, trying to muffle her cries by digging her fingers into his muscle, by biting into him, and then by kissing him hard again. Their rhythm began to increase even further, each getting more frantic for the next thrust. Sawyer could feel his orgasm growing dangerously close, but he wanted to make sure that Kate had come before he let himself go. He pushed her hips down harder upon him, forcing himself deeper inside her. Kate buried her face in the crook of his neck, trying desperately to conceal the screams that were threatening to force through. She felt her climax growing and she raked her nails down Sawyer's back, digging in as hard as she could to stop herself from screaming her pleasure. Sawyer just gripped her hips as she came, grinding her hard into him, increasing her frantic movements.

When they were both spent, they managed to make their way over to sawyer's bed, and pull a blanket over themselves. Sawyer pulled Kate into his arms, and she wrapped her arm around his waist and placed one of her legs over his, pulling him as close to her as possible. He breathed in deeply, wanting to savor the scent of her, and they both drifted into sleep, the weight of the past couple of days finally catching up on them.


	25. Chapter 25

Things remained pretty calm for a couple of days, giving Kate and Sawyer a chance to get used to enjoying each others company and not having to be careful what they say, not having to mask their feelings for each other. Sayid had announced what had happened to Jack to the group the day before, who was going to eventually make a full recovery, not mentioning the steps that were taken to save his life, although he looked pointedly at sawyer when he was saying this, as if to will him to step up and admit what he did for Jack, showing sawyer that he would back him up. Sawyer just stood there, his arms around Kate who was standing in front of him. He had noticed that when they were out in public together he couldn't help but put his arm around her, or grab her hand. He wasn't sure if it was a possessive thing or if he wanted to protect her from the harsh stares of the group, or a bizarre mixture of the two. For the most part people had stopped staring at them whenever they emerged from Sawyer's tent, and obviously had gotten used to the situation, Sun and Jin, Locke and Sayid were noticeably civil to them, but no one else in the group seemed to think there was anything odd in this, which Sawyer was pleased about. Claire also regarded them in a friendly manner, giving them a big grin whenever they emerged smiling from the tent, or walked along the beach together, almost as if they were figures from some romance novel she was viewing. However, it seemed Charlie and Hurley were the ones who regarded them with unease, and seemed to avoid Kate, Hurley had never been Sawyer's biggest fan, although no one could really blame him for this, and he couldn't believe that Kate hadn't ended up with Jack. Charlie had felt uncomfortable around Sawyer ever since they had pulled the con with the guns, and seemed to think someone who was capable of that shouldn't be with someone like Kate. This knowledge made sawyer chuckle to himself, even knowing she was a convict made people think she was too good for him. But they mainly kept to themselves.

Kate woke up with a lazy yawn. Even after a few days it still felt strange for her to be waking up in Sawyer's tent, and it being the first thing she sees. She turns her head and gazes at him lying beside her. She loved watching him sleep, he looked so different it was almost eerie sometimes, it made you realise how much of his character was made up by his facial expressions. She lay there for a moment, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped around his body. After the almost inevitable sex that they would have they would lay together afterwards, holding each other as tightly as possible, but they found themselves often having to disconnect from each other to sleep, neither used to the feel of another body next to them all the time. But they always seemed to wake up entwined again in the morning, as if their bodies, even in sleep, desire the touch of the other.

She carefully disentangled herself from his sleeping form, realising by the light under the tent that it was still quite early, and thought she would go try and find them some food. She quickly located some clothes from her suitcase, as she had moved her only few belongings into his tent, and stepped outside. The beach was quite busy with people, it was difficult to sleep in late most days, the sun was so hot, and the tent seemed to turn into a sauna. Not that this bothered Sawyer much, he certainly enjoyed his sleep, and she had learned that it was really best to let him wake up of his own accord!

She said good morning to a few people who she passed, and headed towards Claire's tent. Claire was sitting by Aaron's cradle, making funny faces at him and watching him smile.

"Hi, Claire," Kate said.

Claire looked up and smiled at Kate, "Hi yourself, how are things?" she said with a grin, and Kate knew she really meant, 'how are things with you and Sawyer.'

Kate couldn't help but smile back, she'd been doing a lot of smiling recently, "They're fine thanks, I was wondering if you knew where I could find Locke, I was going to try and see if he had captured anymore boar?"

"Aww, you're bringing him breakfast in bed, it must be love," Claire said, teasing her.

This whole conversation made Kate feel like she was back in Junior High, even though she had never really had 'girl talk' back then, she was more of a tomboy, hanging out with Tom and some of his friends mainly. Kate just laughed, and blushed slightly, "Something like that anyway."

Claire noticed Kate looked slightly uncomfortable, "I saw him about five minutes ago actually and I think you're in luck, he was heading over with some boar to the hatch for Sayid, Hurley and Jack, so you might be able to catch him if you're quick."

"Okay, thanks Claire," Kate said, and headed off in the direction of the path to the hatch, but not before giving Aaron a little wave. She still couldn't believe that she had actually delivered him.

She walked at a quick pace; hoping Locke was walking in his usual slow and leisurely manner. She was in luck as she noticed him leaning up against a tree, obviously taking a quick breather.

"Morning John," Kate said with a smile as she walked towards him.

Locke looked up and raised his hand in greeting, "Hey there Kate, you heading towards the hatch?" he asked.

Kate looked down at the ground, she figured he thought that she was going to visit Jack, and she felt a twinge of guilt that she had been avoiding him ever since their conversation. But then he asked for time for him to get used to things, she said to herself. "Erm, actually I was wondering if you had any boar, we, I mean Sawyer and me haven't had any meat for a couple of days, and I thought I might be able to get some for breakfast."

Locke smiled at her awkwardness, "Well you're in luck, I was just bringing some boar to the hatch, but there is plenty spare, caught quite a big one the other day," he reached into his bag and pulled out some wrapped in what appeared to be leaves. Kate took them and put them in own rucksack.

"Thanks Locke."

"So how are things going anyway, must be quite an adjustment for you both, being together I mean," Locke said in that slow calm way he has, looking you in the eyes.

"Oh, things are going really well actually, but its not easy, we are both so set in our ways, its hard sometimes to compromise," she said smiling. Bizarrely she had always found Locke quite easy to talk to. Maybe it was because he gave of quite a fatherly air, even though he is sometimes very disconnected from the real world.

Locke chuckled, "Well, it can't be easy trying to tame a man like James, he certainly is unpredictable."

Kate frowned slightly, "Just out of interest, why do you call him James, I know it's his real name, but no one else chooses to use it."

Locke looked at her for a moment, his eyes unreadable, "Sawyer was the name of someone I knew, well they had many names, but Sawyer was one of them."

Upon these words Kate had a peculiar feeling of dread creep through her body, Locke had stopped speaking, but she looked at him, willing him to go on.

"You see I hired a private detective to find this person, my...father, and I found him, and we were re-united, but he only got to know me so he could con me into giving him one of his kidneys as he was ill," Kate could see the anger seeping into his usually controlled demeanor, and her own heart had begun to speed up, almost as if she knew where this conversation was heading. "So afterwards, I did a little investigating of my own, only through less...normal routes. Turns out my father was a con man, had been all his life practically, it gave a list of some of his cons, the ones that ended up being dealt with the police at least. He went by many different names over the years, but the main one he used back in the 'glory days' it seemed was Sawyer, Frank Sawyer."

Locke stopped speaking and looked over at Kate who had gone pale all of a sudden and Locke could detect a slight tremor in her arms, but he continued speaking, "That's why I asked James why he chose sawyer as his name, not only is it quite an unusual name, it reminds me of...him."

"What happened to him," Kate asked, her voice shaking, she was terrified of the answer.

"He's dead," Locke said, looking away. When he turned back around Kate had slumped to the floor. She couldn't believe what she had just heard, what she had just been told. Of all the people that could have crashed on the same island as him it had to be the son of the man who ruined his life, the son of the man who he had spent his whole life geared up for revenge upon. And now it had all been taken away from him, what he has focused on for thirty years, what he had passed up so much focusing on his anger for him, and now she knows it was all for nothing, he will never get a chance to do it.

"Kate, are you alright?" Locke said, alarmed at how she was behaving.

"When you researched into him, your father, did it mention anything about a woman he conned in Texas, and her husband found out and shooting both her and then himself, all in front of their 8 year old child," she asked quietly.

Locke grimaced, he did remember reading about that tragic incident, "Yes I did," he replied.

Kate turned and looked at him, her face a mask of shock, sorrow and bitterness, "The boy, his name was James Ford," she said in a shaky whisper, drawing her knees towards her and hugging them.

Locke was quiet was several moments, he was shocked at the whole situation, and incredibly shocked at the severity of Kate's reaction.

Kate noticed Locke staring at her as if she was over reacting, "He dedicated his whole life to getting vengeance, John. He thought his life was over after that day, the only thing that kept him going, the only thing that still keeps him going deep inside is knowing that one day he can get revenge on the man who ruined his life. And how I am supposed to tell him that this has all been taken away from him," she said, her voice growing louder and louder as she spoke until she could feel her voice breaking and tears threatening to over flow. All she could think about was how badly he would react if he found out, that she had to be the one to tell him, that he would probably hate her for doing it to him. "How did he die?" Kate asked.

Locke sighed, "Heart attack. A maid found him dead in a hotel bed. The doctors said it would have come on suddenly and he wouldn't have felt much pain," he chuckled bitterly, "I suppose some people would say there's no justice in the world."

Kate held her face in her hands for a moment. "I have to tell him don't I?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, I think you do. It might even give him some kind of closure," Kate just looked up at him doubtfully, "And you should tell him the whole truth as well, you may think sugar coating it by saying he died a horrible death might help, but if he finds out you lied about it somehow...something tells me he would take worse to the news that you lied to him."

Kate just sighed, "This is going to ruin everything," she said, mainly to herself.

"You never know Kate, it might make things better."

She got up and looked down at him sadly, "I know it won't," she replied, and began to walk the path down to the beach, tears streaming down her face, knowing that she had to go ruin the best thing that had ever happened to her.


	26. Chapter 26

Sawyer had woken up that morning with the alien feeling of contentment being the first thing he felt. In fact he had pretty much felt the same damn thing every day since he had woken up beside Kate. It still hadn't really sunk in that she was his, that he had a ... girlfriend. Although that word did what they had no justice, it gave him a peculiar kind of warmth thinking it. This was the first relationship he had ever been in where he was just in it because he loved her, not for any ulterior motive. Sometimes it scared him, all his usual doubts began to fill up his mind, all the reasons why this was the stupidest thing he had ever done, but he tried his best to put them to the back of his mind, and all he had to do was touch Kate, hear her speak, watch her move, and he knew deep down that this was the best thing that had ever happened to him, the only good thing to have happened to him since that fateful night so long ago.

So when he woke up he naturally reached out for her, only to be confronted with an empty space, where Kate should be. The first emotion that swept through his mind was one of panic, which he quickly pushed away realizing it was stupid, he knew Kate was one hell of an independent woman; he loved that about her, he couldn't expect her to wait for him to drag his lazy ass out of bed so she could begin her day.

He pulled on some jeans, not being bothered to hunt for underwear, and pulled on his brown shirt, knowing that it was one of Kate's favorites, and headed out of his tent to try and locate her. He couldn't see her immediately on the beach, so he decided to ask around, so he went to one of the only friendly faces on the island.

"Hey Mamacita, you seen Kate around?" he asked, swaggering up to her.

Claire turned around at the sound of his voice, and smiled knowingly up at him, "Hi Sawyer. Yeah she was here an hour or so ago, went after John to try and get some boar for you guys. Haven't seen her since though, but he was heading to the hatch so she might have had to walk all the way there and back, so don't worry."

Sawyer let his trademark scowl come over his face, "I wasn't worried, I was just wondering where she had gone is all," he said defensively. Claire just raised her eyebrows at him as if she didn't believe him for a second. Sawyer felt a twinge of guilt at being belligerent in front of Claire, she was seemed so...innocent, it seemed wrong to be rude to her.

"Well, erm thanks, I guess I'd better get going," he said looking away from her.

Claire just laughed to herself, and patted him on the arm, "Okay Sawyer, I'll see you later."

Sawyer turned around and headed back to his tent and moved his tent flap back to he could sit on his chair and watch the beach, and wait for Kate to come back, feeling a thrill at the prospect of seeing her, even though she had been at his side almost constantly for four days.

As Kate approached the beach she leaned against a tree for a moment, trying to gather her composure. She felt sick to her stomach, she kept having to take slow deep breaths to try and calm herself down. Everything felt faintly unreal, like she had imagined the whole conversation with Locke, but deep down she knew that this wasn't true, that her mind was trying to create a way for her to be able to live with this knowledge and never tell him. She knew that wouldn't work. He saw through her emotions so easily, how could she possibly keep something this huge from him? Part of her was trying to tell her that it might be alright, that he might finally be able to let go of the past that this was a good thing, but the rest of her had this dark feeling that this news might be the final thing to send him over the edge completely. He had always had a dangerously self-destructive streak, it was one of the first things she noticed about him, but gradually this seemed to have lessened, especially since he returned from the raft. Now she was so afraid that he would go back to his old ways, his old coping mechanisms, only more desperately than he had before. She tried to tell herself that she wouldn't make this happen, that she would help him get through it, that now he had her as a reason to get over her past, the happiness they could have together. But she just didn't know if it was enough, if her love was enough.

She sighed and continued her walk. Soon she had broken through the trees to the beach, she passed people on the way, they may have even spoken to her, but she didn't hear them, she barely even saw them. All she could see was the figure of Sawyer, grinning at her from his position outside his tent.

Sawyer's heart leapt when he saw he emerge from the trees. He wondered if seeing her would always have this effect on him, the way everything brightened when she was around. As she came closer, however, his grin began to fade. Her face was puffy from crying, her eyes red, he could see her taking unusually deep breaths, her eyes full of sorrow, her walking hunched as if she expected to get beaten. He felt fear wash over him, what the hell had happened to her, so help him God if anyone had hurt or upset her.

He stood up and rose to meet her, "Freckles, what's the matter, what's happened." he asked worriedly, searching her face for answers.

She just looked up at him, her eyes haunted and filled with pain. "Sawyer, I have something to tell you, and you're not going to like it. And you've got to promise me you will hear me out," she said, forcing the words out, trying to make her voice remain calm, but even she could hear the shake in it.

Sawyer felt a feeling of dread creep over him, "Just tell me what's happened," he said slowly, all kinds of thoughts rushing through his head, what's she seen? What's she done? Has someone hurt her? But he tried to keep his emotions in check, waiting for her to speak.

"I...I was talking to Locke..." she began.

"That son-of-a-bitch," Sawyer exclaimed, cutting her off, "Did he hurt you, I'll fucking kill him..."

Kate grabbed his shoulders with her arms, forcing him to look her in the eyes.

"Locke hasn't done anything to me, just listen okay," she said, afraid at his outburst.

Sawyer exhaled slowly, and looked at her, "He was telling me about his father, his biological father I mean, you already know he was adopted. He hired a private investigator to track him down, made contact with him, and his father wanted to get to know him. But this was only because his father wanted to con him out of a kidney, as his were both failing," she stopped for a moment, seeing if he had sensed anything yet from the conversation. He was frowning at her, but only in a 'what has this got to do with anything' kind of way, so she took a deep breath and continued. "So after this Locke took a different route to finding information out about his father, he found out he was a con man, had been a con man all his life..." Sawyer's legs suddenly felt weak. 'No, no fucking way, she is not about to say what i think she is, it's not possible'... "He used to go by the name of Sawyer, Frank Sawyer," she felt the muscles in Sawyer's shoulders tighten, but it was the only reaction she got from him. "And...and, god I'm so sorry James, he's...he's already dead," she said he voice finally breaking now she had got it all out.

Kate held her breath, her heart hammering so hard she thought she was going to faint. Sawyer remained motionless for several moments, 'No way, no fucking way is this possible, it's some kind of sick joke,' he was telling himself over and over again. 'This can't be possible, it can't, fate aint this cruel..."  
His reaction terrified her, she had expected him to shout, to scream, to hit something, but not this dreadful eerie silence. She still had her hands on his shoulders and she could begin to feel slight tremors running up and down his arms. His breathing began to get heavy and shaky, but his expression did not change. Kate reached up and touched his face gently, his whole body shook at the contact and he moved his head to look at her for a moment. The look in his eyes broke her heart and terrified her at the same time, such immense sadness, but she couldn't find the anger in his eyes, only a grim determination. He looked at her for a moment longer, as if memorizing her face, and pulled away from her, stalking into his tent for a moment. Kate was so shocked at this abrupt movement that she didn't follow him, although he emerged a moment later, walking straight passed her, not even looking at her.

"Sawyer, where are you going?" she called out after him and began to follow behind him, jogging to catch up to him as he was taking large, swift strides. He just ignored her as if she wasn't even there, like he was listening to voices that only he could hear. "You can't just leave like this, please, please stay and talk about this with me," she caught up to him and grabbed his arm, tears streaming down her face, aware that they were beginning to create a scene, but she didn't care, something inside her was telling her that she can't let him go off by himself, "I'm begging you Sawyer, and I've never begged for anything in my life, please don't run away, please stay with me." Her voice was shaking uncontrollably now.

He turned around to look at her, his face a mask of pure rage all of a sudden, "Let go of my fucking arm Kate," he said in a low quiet voice, pronouncing every word harshly.

Each word felt like it was creating a new pain inside of her, but she didn't let go, "No, no I wont let you off by yourself," she said stubbornly tears still streaming down her face.

"Let go of my fucking arm Kate," he repeated only shouting as loud as he could this time, so the whole beach could hear. His words stung even deeper a second time and she suddenly noticed everyone was staring at them. But still she did not let go. Suddenly he jerked his arm away, so hard that Kate momentarily lost her grip, she reached to grab him again, but he was out of reach and she fell to the ground.

Sobs had begun to wrack her body as she saw him begin to run into the jungle, "Sawyer!" she screamed, "Please don't go, don't do this to us..." she could no longer form a sentence, her body shaking violently. Claire quickly dumped Aaron into Charlie's arms and ran towards Kate's hunched figure in the sand, tears forming in her own eyes at the sight of Kate's sorrow. Sun had also rushed over to her, and they both tried to pull her up off the ground, but Kate wouldn't move. Claire pulled Kate's head into her lap, and stroked her hair, not knowing what else to do. She was scared to see Kate so out of control, scared to see her behaving like this. Suddenly Kate's sobs stopped and she froze, Claire didn't even think she was breathing.

Kate crawled off her suddenly, thinking she was going be sick. She had just realized the last thing she had seen before Sawyer had run off into the jungle. A gun sticking out of the back of his jeans...


	27. Chapter 27

Sawyer ran. He didn't know where he was going, and he didn't care. Didn't care what was in his way, didn't care about the branches whipping him in the face, cutting into his skin. He couldn't even feel it. When he tripped over a log and landed on his knee, he didn't swear or shout in pain, he just got up and continued running. He didn't think he had ever actually felt numb. Not even when the heard those two gunshots, so loud that they hurt his ears, not even when he had crawled out from his hiding place, not when he saw his fathers body on his bed, not even when he sat against the kitchen door staring at the corpse of his mother. He felt it all, anger, sadness, rage, despair, each washing over him in waves until he thought he might pass out from it, his head spinning.

But not now. It was as if something inside him had finally snapped. As if this was the thing that would push him over the edge, this was the final thing he couldn't cope with. It all felt so unreal all of a sudden, the crash, the island, the survivors, Kate...it just felt like some surreal nightmare. 'Maybe I'll wake up in a minute,' he thought to himself, 'I'll wake up in some motel bed, next to a woman, and realise that this has all been in my head. Because if this is real, then I can't take it anymore.'

He finally stopped running, his legs beginning to shake from exhaustion. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the tiniest place that was still thinking coherently told him that this was the second time this week he was ran through the jungle as if the devil himself was chasing him. But this was soon consumed by the comfortable nothingness that was slowly overtaking each part of him. 'He's dead. He's actually dead.' He repeated these words over and over in his head, trying to get his head round them. He leant against a tree and felt something dig into his back. He reached round and pulled the gun out. He just stared at it for several minutes.

***

Practically everyone on the beach was standing around Kate's hunched form now, whispering or talking quietly to themselves, wondering what had happened. Hurley was giving Charlie knowing looks, as if to say 'I told you they wouldn't last that long.'

"Kate," Claire said, kneeling beside her, but she got no response. "Kate!" she repeated more loudly. Kate looked round at her, as if waking from a dream, "What happened?" Claire asked.

Kate didn't reply to her question. "I have to go," she said quietly.

Claire frowned, "Are you sure that's such a good idea? Maybe you should let him calm down a bit first; sometimes that works best after an argument."

Kate didn't reply, she just got up and ran in the same direction Sawyer had moments ago. Claire got up, as if to follow her, but Sun gently grabbed her, "Let her go, they obviously have something they need to work out." Sun said kindly.

Claire just sighed, not happy with the idea of those two having it out in the middle of the jungle, but she nodded at Sun, and returned to Charlie, taking Aaron and hugging him closely to her.

Kate could easily tell what direction sawyer had gone in. There were broken twigs and various other devastations, and Kate could even see some blonde hair caught in one of the branches, as if it had yanked it out as Sawyer was running. Kate took a deep breath, and ran along the newly created path, hoping she wasn't too late.

***

As Sawyer stared at the gun he thought back over his life, from the first con he did with his uncle to the last con he had done on this very island with the guns. 'Such a waste,' he thought, 'Such a waste of a life. You would have been better off if that bullet had gone through the bed and killed you along with them.' a voice in his head was telling him. 'None of this would have happened. You wouldn't have conned, Duckett would still be serving shrimp. Cassidy wouldn't have had her heart broken. Just one trail of devistation after the other James. Think you should finally do what your daddy should'a done back then, what sorry excuse do you have for your existence now?'

It was so easy to listen to that self-deprecating voice. So easy to life that gun he was gripping so tightly to his temple, to feel the cold steel against his head. So easy just to give the trigger a gentle squeeze. It would be over so quickly.

***

Kate came to a halt and was confronted by the image of Sawyer standing with his eyes closed, looking remarkably peaceful, a gun held to his head.

Her heart almost stopped at the sight and she felt a fear more desperate, more overwhelming than anything she had experienced before. He had his eyes shut, so Kate was able to walk closer to him, hoping he might not notice. Suddenly she stepped on a twig and Sawyer's eyes flew open.

The sight of her caused that quiet voice at the back of his mind, which he had been trying to hard to suppress to rise again. He felt a surge of sadness and regret wash over him at the sight of her. As these emotions washed over him, they brought more and more with them, until the numbness began to ware away, giving full force to the massive ball of pain that he could feel in his chest, so overwhelming he didn't think he could breathe. He could feel the arm he was holding the gun in begin to shake.

Kate's heart was hammering so hard she thought it might burst. She saw Sawyer's face transform from a mask of calm to one of despair.

"Sawyer, please put the gun down, let's talk about this first okay?" she asked, trying to keep her voice quiet and level.

Sawyer swallowed hard, the sound of her voice made him want to cry. He was flooded with memories all of a sudden of the sounds she made that first night in the hatch when they had made love., the sound of her voice as she called him James right at the climax.

"There's nothing to say anymore Kate," he replied, trying to keep his voice emotionless, but failing, "Turn around and go back to the camp."

Kate could feel a tear fall down her cheek. "No." she said firmly, "I'm not going anywhere without you." She took a step closer to him.

Sawyer grimaced, his jaw tightening. He could feel the rage that had lain dormant since she had first told him begin to rise up to the surface.

"Don't come any closer," Sawyer threatened, and Kate could see his hand tightening around the handle of the gun.

She took a deep breath, desperately searching for something to say to him, for the right thing to stay to make him stop what he was doing. But there was nothing else she could say, he knew how she felt about him, and he was still willing to destroy it all. "Why are you doing this Sawyer? How is this going to make anything better."

"I should'a done this a long time ago, but the only thing that kept me going, the only thing that gave my life meaning was revenge. And now that's been taken away from me, It's all been taken away from me!" he said, his voice getting louder as he spoke until he was shouting. "Everything I've done in my sorry excuse for a life has all been for nothing, do you have any idea how that feels? You got your revenge sweet cheeks," he said cruelly, his voice dropping again, "You got to blow your daddy up, how can you understand."

Kate felt as if someone had driven a knife into her heart. When she told him what she'd done, she had never thought he would use it against her. The pain soon became replaced with anger. How dare he do this to her? She has given him so much of herself, and he doesn't think she is worth living for!

"You know what I think Sawyer. You did what you did because you wanted to. You used revenge as an excuse for your actions, because deep down you knew it wasn't just his fault, wasn't just Sawyer's fault," she found each word taking a harsher tone. She couldn't stop herself, she was so angry at him all of a sudden, angry at their whole situation. Why could they not just get a break, after everything they've been through. "It was their fault too, these parents you speak of as if they were perfect. You think it's a coincidence that it was women you ended up conning? Each woman you conned was a small revenge at her, your mother..."

"Shut up Kate," Sawyer interrupted her in a dangerous voice, her words were terrifying him, making him probe the deep recesses of his mind, something ringing true in her words.

Kate ignored him and took a step closer, "Bet you hated those women you conned, hated how stupid they were, how easy it was. You didn't care if they got hurt in the process; because it was their fault wasn't it, for trusting you. You knew the whole time the same applied to her. You never needed to force these women into bed; they came to you easily, just as she must have come to him..."

"I'm warning you, if you don't shut the fuck up right now..." he said, panic beginning to override him. 'No, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It isn't true. It was his entire fault, and his alone, she is blameless' he told himself, trying to reassure himself as he had done over and over again over the years.

Kate took a deep breath, she could see the tears in his eyes, his breath coming out in short quick gasps, but still she didn't stop, she knew he needed to hear this. "And your father...why couldn't he have just held his temper, why did he have to react in that way. Yes, she had done wrong, but she couldn't have been happy, she didn't deserve to die. And did they consider you in any of this? Did your mom think how it would affect you when she climbed into his bed, did your father think about how you would cope without them when he picked up that gun..."

Sawyer screamed so loud it made Kate's next words get stuck in her throat. His face was a mask of pure rage, but she could tell he was afraid, desperately afraid. Suddenly he took the gun away from his own head and pointed it at her chest.

"Just shut up! You don't know what you're talking about, it was all him, all his fault. They cared about me, they loved me, and he took that all away from me," he shouted at her, the arm he was holding the gun in shaking, his voice breaking towards the end and he could feel hot tears stream down his cheeks.

Kate's stomach lurched as he swung the gun round and pointed it at her. She had been at the reviving end of a gun before, but never by someone she had loved. She saw how badly her words had effected him, could see the tears running down his cheeks. Had she pushed him too far?

She took a step closer to him, until the gun was pressed up right against her chest and she looked up at him, "You want to blame me now Sawyer is that it?" she said in a shaking voice, "Because you might as well kill me anyway, if you kill yourself then I'm coming straight after you. You said you saved Jack's life because you thought you knew I couldn't take seeing someone I care about die, and now you're taking away the person I care about the most, the person I love. I have never loved anyone in my entire life like I love you James. We have a second chance at life, please don't take that away from us, don't let him take them take it away from us."

Sawyer dropped to his knees, pointing the gun to the floor and then letting go of it altogether. Violent sobs had begun to overrule his body. He knew everything she had said was true, she knew him better than he knew himself. But God it hurt like of a son-of-a-bitch for him to hear it. He hadn't cried since the time he had taken heroin and was tempted to just overdose and get rid of the pain once and for all. And here Kate was, the only woman he had ever loved forcing him to deal with that pain head on.

Kate let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding until he let go of that gun. It broke her heart to see him like this, and she kneeled down beside him, drawing him into her arms until his head was laying on her lap and he was gripping hold of her round the waist as if she was the last solid thing in the world. All the bottled up pain came pouring out of him and Kate just held him and let him cry, her own silent tears running down her cheek.


	28. Chapter 28

Kate was leaning against a tree, feeling more emotionally drained than she had even felt before. She had known that being in a relationship with Sawyer would never be easy, they truly matched each other as far as emotional scars and pain were concerned, but she also never thought that within each other they would try and fight the demons that had been plaguing them for so long. She thought they would make each other happy, not force each other to reopen old wounds. Although part of her thought that maybe it was why they had been thrown together. Kate had never been a particularly religious person, she didn't believe in a man in white robes sitting on a cloud somewhere making everything happen, but sometimes she found it comforting to think that maybe some things happen for a reason. The convict and the con man survive a plane crash against all odds, both so screwed up, both trying desperately to push each other away, but still they find themselves drawn to each other. Is this what was supposed to happen, that they are going to help each other through their issues? She hoped so, she tried desperately to believe that this was what was supposed to happen, because they man she loves has been sobbing so hard that she thought he might hurt himself for almost fifteen minutes, until he must have passed out from sheer exhaustion. She had just sat there, listening to the harsh rise and fall of his chest, afraid at the dreams that might be attacking him.

But what scared her more and more with each minute that went by was that he would never recover from this. That he would never be the same, that this was the final thing that would send him over the edge. She had no idea how he would be when he woke up. Would he be angry at her? Would he be angry at Locke? Would he try and hurt himself again? She had hidden the gun so he couldn't try and use it again when he woke up, but there are other ways to hurt yourself. Was she going to have to watch him 24 hours a day? Would he wake up, say he was fine, but then one day she will find his body in the jungle?

All these questions and more drove through her mind like a swarm of angry insects, each eating away at a piece of her. Suddenly she felt Sawyer wake up.

***

When Sawyer opened his eyes, he couldn't remember what had happened at first. Then it all came back at him with the force of a sledge hammer right between the eyes. Kate telling him the 'real' Sawyer was dead, him shouting at her in front of the whole camp, running off into the jungle, the gun against his head, the gun her pointed against her chest. And those words, those words that flew from Kate's mouth. It all swam around in his head, making him dizzy for a moment. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how to process what had happened. He had a moment of clarity, as if he was floating above himself looking down 'how the hell am I supposed to come to terms with this?' He knew deep down that Kate's words were true. The part of him that had kept these truths locked inside his mind was trying to surface, the part that was still trying to convince him they were blameless, that it was 'Sawyer's' fault not them, but he couldn't believe it now, it couldn't wipe those words away in a comforting wave of self-denial. He wondered if he had had someone to tell him that when he was 16 if it would have made any difference, would he still have chosen the same path, or would it have been the same wake-up call that it was now. He guessed he would never know the answer to that question.

He suddenly realized that his head was lying in Kate's lap, he could feel the heat of her body radiating all around him. He used one arm to lift himself off her lap, his head throbbing as he did so, and he turned around to look at her.

The sheer beauty of her always seemed to take his breath away, even though her face was forever etched in his mind. He thought she looked like an angel. But then he corrected himself, she looked like a dark angel, one who could kiss you then kill you, one who could give you more pleasure than you ever thought was possible, but bring you just as much pain. But he knew he wouldn't have her any other way. He couldn't blame her for what she had said, he knew she was right and that he needed to hear it. But it still hurt like hell. He felt an intense wave of guilt pass through him that was almost crippling when he thought of how he had pushed a gun against her perfect chest.

Her face was as carefully guarded as he had ever seen it, but he could tell underneath that she was terrified, terrified of him, of what he would do, and it damn near broke his heart. He leant over toward her until their cheeks were touching and whispered in her ear. "I swear to God Freckles, I will never point a gun at you again."

Kate thought she would almost faint with relief at those words, at least that meant that he was coherent, that he had processed what had happened. She smiled at him, her real smile, the one that made her whole face light up and gave her cute little crinkles beside her eyes.

"I...I'm sorry for what I said," She said averting her eyes, "Actually, I'm not sorry for what I said, but they way I said it ... I just didn't know what to do, what to say to make you..." she trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.

Sawyer reached up and stroked her cheek with his thumb lightly, "You have nothing to apologize for sweetness, you did what you thought was right...hell, you did what was right, I...I just don't know what to think anymore." He dropped his hand, feeling defeated. He didn't know how he was feeling, how he was supposed to feel. Angry, sad, relieved? His whole life had changed everything that his life stood for had changed. What would he do now, who would he be now. He was Sawyer; he felt like Sawyer, he didn't know how to be anything else. James had died with his parents; he had been transformed that day into something different. How could he go back to that boy, how could he find him within himself. He wasn't even sure that he existed anymore.

Kate sensed him draw away from her, back inside his own mind, and felt panicked all of a sudden. "It's okay," she said, making he snap out of his reverie and look up at her, "We don't have to talk about any of this if you don't want to, just ... don't pull away from me again, please tell me what you're thinking."

He smiled weakly at her efforts, "I don't know what to think anymore Freckles. What am I supposed to do now?" he asked her quietly, not able to look her in the eyes. He felt so pathetic suddenly, like he had been stripped bare in front of her. He waited to feel shame overwhelm him at how he had cried on her lap, how he had acted around her, but it didn't come. He knew she didn't think any less of him for it, but it still made him feel uncomfortable, like less of a man. "Who am I supposed to be now?" he asked her.

Kate thought for a moment, "The first time I remember seeing you was when Jack was trying to pull you from Sayid, that first day we crashed," she said thoughtfully. Sawyer smiled ironically at the memory, "And I remember thinking, 'what an asshole.'" She looked at Sawyer and he turned away from her. "But later that day I remember walking past you on the beach. You were sitting against a piece of the fuselage smoking, with this piece of paper in your hand, and the expression on your face...it intrigued me, I could recognize your pain, because I had that same pain myself. That was the first time I remember thinking, 'there is more to this man than there seems.' Now I know it was the first time I saw you, the real you, stripped of this front you like to put on. I saw it again the day we first kissed, well more I felt it..." she could feel herself blushing at the remembrance of that kiss, and Sawyer couldn't help but grin slightly, he did love to see her blush. She looked back up at him, straight into his eyes, "What I'm trying to say is that you have been changing since we've been on the island. I've seen glimpses of a different you, a different person than the rest of the group have seen, you're tender and sweet and kind, and at first I thought that this was the man I had fallen in love with. But what I've realized is that Sawyer and James are so deeply mixed together inside you that it's hard to know where one starts and the other begins," she reached over and cupped his face with her hand, "And I wouldn't have you change, wouldn't want you to change, I love your sarcasm and witty comments, the arrogant way you deal with people sometimes. It's all part of you, you just don't realize that it is part of James, part of who you really are, not this 'Sawyer' you created for yourself. I think you stopped being that man a while ago, and now it's time to let him go." She stopped speaking; hoping any of her ramblings had made sense to him.

Suddenly she felt his lips close over hers, light and tenderly. She closed her eyes and leaned into him, kissing him back. It felt so good to kiss him again. She had been so afraid that she would never be able to do this again, never talk with him again, and never make love with him again. This whole incident had truly made her realize that she wanted to always be with him, couldn't imagine life without him anymore. As cheesy as it sounded in her head, he felt like a part of her now, and without him she would be left empty and cold.

He pulled away from the kiss and leaned his forehead against hers for a moment, thinking about what she had just said. Was she right? Had he begun to change on this island? He hadn't even considered it before. He thought back to some of the things he had done here that he never would have done in the real world. He had saved a man's...saved Michael's life; he'd sat and read to Claire's screaming baby, just to make him quiet so Claire could get some sleep one time. Other incidents swam around in his mind. Had he changed and not even realized it? He knew he had done some bad things on the island as well, revealing Kate's secret to everyone, the way he conned them all for the guns. He desperately wanted to believe what she had said, but he wasn't sure if he was able to. Was he truly capable of letting 'Sawyer' go?


	29. Chapter 29

Sawyer sighed, "I guess we should be getting back to the beach sweetness." Neither of them moved, however. Sawyer thought back to the scene he must have created, he couldn't really remember it coherently, he wasn't exactly thinking straight, but he knew that people would think even less of his relationship with Kate now, which troubled him more than he would have liked it too. He told himself it was just because he didn't want Kate being given a hard time by anyone, but it did make him wonder if he was beginning to care about the way people saw him, and this worried him a great deal. He may be trying to "be James" but it certainly didn't mean he was going to go soft.

"Yeah I guess we'd better give them the next installment of their regular island soap opera," she said sardonically.

Sawyer chuckled, "Ya know I'd be worried if I were you Freckles, you're even beginning to sound like me."

Kate grinned, "I think you've got enough belligerence for the two of us Tex." Using her nickname for him made her stop and think. What was she going to call him now? She couldn't bear to call him 'Sawyer' anymore, the connotations of that name were just too painful, even though to her the name did have tender meaning because it was what she had always called him. The name 'James' felt new and unsure. She had only called him it in the heat of passion, where nothing matters apart from the sheer emotional and physical connection of the moment. But using it on an everyday basis... Would he even want her to call him that, or was he not ready for it yet? She just wasn't sure, but she didn't have the heart to bring it up with him. Something in his eyes told her that he needed to try and push it all away for a while, needed to get used to the way it felt before he heard her say it, so she kept her mouth shut.

Sawyer could tell that she was thinking very hard about something, but for once he didn't want to know what it was. He had had enough emotional truths for one day. All he wanted to do now was loose himself in the feel of her body and then hopefully fall into a dreamless sleep. Beyond that...well he was afraid to think beyond that right now. It scared him how close he had come to the edge, how close he came from doing harm to himself, or to her, and he didn't want to tempt those taunting voices back into his mind, and wasn't brave enough to find out if they had been banished forever yet. So he silently got up, reached out and helped her up of the ground as well, and they began to walk back to the beach.

Neither said anything on the journey back, both not knowing what to say, but they held hands all the way back, making Kate thank the cosmos that she was returning with him...she didn't want to think about what had been going through her head on her way out there. Gradually they could hear the soft sound of waves kissing the shore, and they knew they were close to the beach. Kate felt her stomach clench involuntarily. Just when the group had begun to stop staring at the two of them whenever they left their tent, it was all going to start again. Sawyer could feel the tension flow through her body all of a sudden, sending guilt coursing through him.

"I'm sorry sweetness," he said quietly, realizing how strange the word sounded on his tongue. He could probably count on one hand the times he had said he was sorry since he was 8 years old and meant it.

Kate turned to look at him, and gave him a toned down version of what Sawyer called her 'dazzling Kate smiles' like the one she gave him earlier, which gives her little crinkles by her eyes, "You don't have to apologies, let them stare if they want, they'll soon get board," she said, more for her own benefit than his.

They were correct. As the walked through the trees most eyes on the beach were turned at them, some shaking their heads, some frowning, a small few happy to see them together again, Kate silently gave thanks that Claire's tent was positioned on the way to theirs. Sawyer didn't even bother to glare at them, although he did give Claire a sheepish smile as they past. She was a sweet girl, and he appreciated that she was so friendly towards them, while other were so hostile.

After what felt like hours they finally got to their tent, able to shut the rest of the island away. Before Kate could even slump herself down into his airplane chair he had grabbed her round the waist, crushing her lips with his. Kate was shocked at first by his sudden onslaught, but couldn't help but find herself intoxicated by his feverish kisses. She felt the events of the day drop away from her consciousness, until her whole mind was filled up with the feel of his mouth and his hands. She knew by his erratic movements that he was trying to loose himself in her body, but she didn't mind. She knew sex for him can convey multiple emotions, anger, lust, love, and if he wanted to use it therapeutically, then she certainly wasn't going to stop him, it was just what he needed. Sex made him feel in control of things, it was what he knew.

Sawyer could feel her fumble with the buttons on his shirt, trying to get them undone with one hand while the other clenched his ass, pulling him as close to her as she could. He cursed himself for not wearing a t-shirt and ripped it off in frustration, most of the button flying off, but he was beyond caring that he was rapidly running out of non-damaged clothing.

His violent movement just served to heighten Kate's arousal. Sometimes she loved nothing more than to be in control of what they did, to be the one riding him, the one pinning him down. But today she liked the idea of being controlled and consumed by him, wanted the feel of him pinning her to the floor. She raked her nails down his chest, applying just enough pressure to leave marks, but not enough to draw blood. They had only been sleeping together for four days, but the ferocity and the intensity and the sheer amount of times they had had sex in that time had made them greatly aware of the little things each other liked done to them. Sawyer, for example, liked a little bit of pain for foreplay, the biting of teeth, the scratching to nails, but when he was inside her, pumping into her with all his strength she could wrack her nails down his back until they left bloody gashes and it would serve to only make him cry out in pleasure louder. She figured this was probably a good thing, as trying to keep quiet when he brought her over that shining precipice was very, very difficult, so she tried to use any means to distract her mind from desperately screaming his name over and over.

Sawyer grabbed her ass with both hands as she raked her nails down his chest, grinding their groins together, until she was rubbing against the hardness under his jeans. Kate made a high pitched moan into his mouth at the pressure against her groin, already making her wet in anticipation. She frantically pulled her own tank top over her head, as Sawyer reached round to unclasp her bra and throw it away from them, his lips never leaving hers. He kneaded her breasts almost roughly, squeezing her nipples into peaks and she moaned and gasped in pleasure.

They began to reach for each other jeans, fumbling for the fly and zippers in their desperation for the feel of their naked bodies pressed up against each other. They both flung their jeans off, Sawyer giving his leg a frustrated kick trying to dislodge them, and as soon as this was accomplished they fell onto their bed.

Sawyer entered her abruptly, already knowing instinctively that she was wet and ready for him. As he did this he pinned her arms against the ground with his hand on her wrists. This only caused Kate to buckle against his hips even harder as he entered her in one smooth delicious stroke, feeling like every inch of her was devouring the feel of him inside her. She tried to lift her arms off the ground, testing if she was truly pinned. She was, and Sawyer just grinned dirtily down at her when she had this realization. The mild panic that this caused her only served to heighten her arousal, putting her desire to struggle in the movement of her writhing hips. Sawyer began to thrust hard into her, savoring the warm, wet feel of her clenching around him. Kate could already feel her climax approaching, shimmering inside her clenched muscles. She began to make small whimpering noises in the back of her throat as she felt it build and build inside her, each movement of him inside her threatening to send her over the edge. Suddenly she could feel that final thrust and the first fluttering of her orgasm.

"Oh, yes, oh James, yes," she could help but utter as she began to come.

A sharp pain went through Sawyer as he heard her say that precious word, then it was followed by a tingling wave of gratification. But before he had more time to think about how this made him feel, he could feel his own climax threaten. He felt himself come so hard that he thought he might explode, especially when Kate, struggling not to scream any louder, had sunk her teeth into his shoulder, causing him to buckle against her even harder.

After they had both climaxed fully he drew out of her slowly, savoring each inch of her surrounding him, and lay on one side facing her. She always looked so beautiful after sex, her face flushed, her hair damp and clinging to her body, parts of it wildly swept around her. A picture of total abandonment. He valued these moments, where he would watch her completely bare of any barriers. She turned her head lazily and smiled up at him, lifting one hand half heartedly to pull his lips down for a gentle, lingering kiss.

Looking down at her like this, he thought about all that he had almost given up earlier that day. Yes, the real Sawyer was dead, and its hurt like-a-son-of-a-bitch. But since that fateful night he had never had anything good, never had anything worth living for other than revenge. But now he had a reason...he had her. And he loved her so much it was almost painful. He knew that he would do anything for her; he would kill for her, lay down his life for her. If he could give up all the hate and resentment towards the instigator of those tragic events after all this time, it was only because of her, only for her. He just hoped and prayed that he was capable of doing it, because even looking down at her wondrous form, he just didn't know if he was strong enough.


	30. Chapter 30

You sure you want to do this?" she asked him as they walked along the shoreline.

Sawyer sighed and looked out to sea absently. In the real world he had never really taken time to appreciate his surroundings. Life for him was the next shag, the next con, the next drink...he hadn't ever realized what he was missing, hadn't ever realized that his sorry excuse for a life can only be called existing. Well, the island had certainly changed all that. He felt like for the first time in almost thirty years he was living again, not just going through the motions. Here he was surrounded by beautiful white beaches, the sand so soft it caressed your feet as you stepped over it. The turquoise ocean that kissed the waves gently, creating the most wonderful background noise. They were on a god-damned island paradise. The only thing that was missing was a man serving cocktails and a king sized bed. Well the crazy bunch of baby stealing weirdo's in the jungle, the monster made of smoke and the strange metal rooms under the ground he could do without, but when he was with her he could almost forget all of that.

And her. Well, he must have been a damned saint in a past life to have her by his side, because he certainly hadn't done anything in this life to deserve her. At this present moment she was standing looking at him, squinting in the light of the sun. As usual her hair was pulled thoughtlessly into a bun on the back of her head, loose tendrils already flying free in the gentle sea breeze. She was looking up at him impatiently, and he realized he still hadn't replied to her comment.

"Yeah freckles, I'm sure," he replied looking down at her, momentarily blocking the sun out of her eyes with his head, causing her expression to soften slightly, although he could tell she was nervous.

He reached out and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze and they continued walking along the shoreline hand in hand.

Four more days had past since Sawyer's world had come crashing down around him. The second night had been the worst, the first he was too exhausted to dream.

It had started out like it normally does. James, just eight years old, hidden under his bed, listening to the soft spatter of his daddy's blood on the floorboards, watching the ever increasing puddle begin to grow. In his dream the spatter's sound louder, the blood looks more thick and red than he knows it must have been then, but it doesn't make him feel any better. Only this time it was different. Usually in the dream he is reliving the events of what happened, is seeing out of his own eyes. But this time it is as if he is a 'fly on the wall' he is watching what is taking place, can see the wide eyes of the little boy under the bed, can hear his struggled gasps as he tries to breath through the suffocating fear. He wants to comfort the boy, to protect him from what has happened, to not let him see what comes next, but he can't do anything, he can only watch. He watches as the boy emerges from under the bed, noticing that the boy's stripy pajamas trail in his daddy's blood as he crawls out. Funny how he didn't think he had realized at the time. God, he wishes he could cover the boy's eyes. No one should have to see their daddies head half blown off, most of it on the wall and on his favourite toys, but there are still pieces of what can only be described as meat hanging from the neck. The little boy's eyes grow wider and wider until it looks like his damn eyeballs are going to fall out of their sockets, and Sawyer is scared the kid has stopped breathing all together. He wants to go over there and check he's alright, which he knows is stupid because he's relived this moment over and over again, he knows what comes next. Somehow the little boy manages to tear his eyes away from the sight that will remain imprinted on his mind forever and leave the room, and Sawyer finds himself now able to move and he follows him, noticing how the boy's bright blonde hair gleams under the harsh florescent lights. Maybe if the lights had been off it wouldn't have looked so bad, at least he would have been spared the full reality of what had happened in bright colour, the blood appearing crimson, the look of terror etched on his mother's face before daddy had blown a hole bigger than his head in her chest. But no, he saw all of it and Sawyer watches little James sit against the kitchen door, knowing his parents are gone and that he is all alone. He curses himself that he can't even comfort the boy. Would he have felt better if someone had been there to take him away from that scene in the kitchen, rather than sitting there for 20 minutes before the police came crashing through the door?

Suddenly the room begins to shake. Sawyer looks over at little James, to check if he's alright, but he's gone. Absolute terror seeps through Sawyer's bones, he can feel something building inside his head, some kind of awful pressure and he can hear a ringing in his ears. Then he sees thick blood ooze down the walls, and in the blood are faces, thousands of screaming faces moving within the blood, all screaming at the same time that he can barely hear what they are saying. He catches snippets, all accusations, and it takes him a moment to realize that they are accusations about him. Suddenly Duckett's face appears in the blood which continues flowing, larger than all the others, his voice louder.

"Why, why did you do this to me? I wasn't a bad man, I got into debt, I had a wife and two kids to support! Why James, I would have paid! It'll come back around...it'll come back around," the voice just goes on repeating itself over and over again, making him so damn dizzy he has to lean against the wall for support, but his hands come away sticky with blood, and he realizes he is surrounded by it and he lets out a sharp cry. He recognizes some of the other faces in the blood, all the people he has hurt, the people he has conned over the years, all hurling accusations at him, all come back to haunt him to get their revenge.

All of a sudden he can see something moving out of the corner of his eye. It's his mother. Her body is jerking, her foot, her arm and she is making some gurgling noise at the back of her throat. Sawyer's breath is coming out in short panicked gasps, 'this isn't happening, this isn't happening, she's dead...' he tells himself. Her head flips up with a crack, lolling to one side as if something has broken in her neck and her eyes fix on him and her mouth twitches into a sick smile, her teeth covered in blood. Sawyer can't even move he's so scared. His eyes are fixed on the corpse of his mother, the jerking in her limbs turned to spasms that wrack her whole body, her head rolling to the other side making a sickening grinding sound. He wishes he could move, wishes he could be sick, wishes he could scream, wishes he could so anything other than watch this, but his eyes wont shut. He can't even breathe, doesn't even think he's alive anymore. He's in hell; finally he is where he belongs.

"How could you Jimmy?" the corpse of his mother cries in a harsh cracked voice, but oh god it sounds like his mother, it looks like his mother, he can see her bright blue eyes, the remnants of the soft blonde hair that he used to think made her look like a princess. He can't say anything; if he could he would scream over and over again.

"You let me down, you let Mummy down Jimmy. All I asked of you is that you avenge my death, but you couldn't even do that could you? Pathetic little Jimmy. At least you're daddy was a man, but you...you're a disappointment, you always were a disappointment. Why do you think I did it, it was unbearable at home, I had to escape from you somehow," she lets out a high pitched laugh which chills him to his very soul. Suddenly she is on her feet, walking towards him, her body still wracked with violent spasms, her limbs bent in the wrong direction, bending in places that they shouldn't. He can't move, all he can do is watch the horrific sight edge closer and closer until he can smell her rotting flesh, until he could smell the tangy scent of blood traveling to the back of his throat making him gag. All the time she has that sick smile on her face, something thicker than blood oozing out of her mouth, and if it wasn't for those eyes, those beautiful eyes he might be able to detach himself, think that this wasn't his mother. But those startling eyes fix on his as she reaches up to touch him...

He sits bolt upright and finally he can scream. He screams over and over and over again, each louder and more panic driven than the last, until he looses his voice, but his body is still making him scream, until only a rasping sound comes out.

Before this Kate had noticed his body shaking. It had woken her from what was a deep and peaceful sleep. She had rubbed her eyes and rolled over, propping herself up on her elbow to face him. Tremors were running up and down his body, his eyelids fluttering and he was mumbling under his breath. She was immediately concerned, she knew that he was sometimes haunted my nightmares, and she had a good feeling what nightmare it always was, although he had never told her. She began to shake him and then to shout his name, hoping to free him from whatever he was seeing. Suddenly he sat bolt upright, narrowly missing head butting her, but still causing her to have to fling herself to the side with the violence of his movement. Oh and the noises he was making. She didn't think she had ever heard anything more pained and gut wrenching in her entire life. She called his name again, trying to make him realize that he was awake, but she knew he was still trapped with whatever he had seen. So she just held him in her arms, hoping he would stop.

Suddenly several people burst through the door of the tent, and when looking back on it Kate had been glad that when they had made love that night that they had been in too much of a hurry to discard her top in the process, because although she was to concerned about Sawyer to care at the time, she knew it would have made things awkward.

Sayid was the first to burst in, his gun drawn, not knowing what had happened but he hadn't even heard screams that bad from any of the men he had tortured over the years. Locke, who for once was sleeping on the beach, and there were a group of people already gathered outside of the tent, including Charlie and Claire, who was only being prevented in going in there because there was no more room.

Kate was shocked to see them standing before them, but realized that Sawyer's screams must have woken almost the entire camp.

Sayid was taken aback from the scene he saw. Sawyer had thankfully ran out of voice to scream with, but Sayid could still see him trying to scream, his eyes blank as if he was seeing something the rest of them couldn't. The look of horror in his eyes chilled Sayid to the bone.

"What happened?" Sayid asked, realizing that neither of them were hurt or in trouble, at least nothing he could help them with, but he was concerned nonetheless.

Kate shook her head, still in shock, "I...I don't know, he must have had a dream, he was shaking...and then he just sat up and started screaming..." Kate trailed off. When Sawyer had had nightmares before he often woke up clearly upset from the events of the dream, but she had never witnessed anything like this, and she realized the latest development may have provoked his nightmares further.

She turned to Locke, who hadn't said a word since he had entered the tent, only surveyed the scene quietly, "He hasn't been the same since, since what I told him," she looked pointedly at him, and Locke nodded his head as if to say he knew what she was talking about, "He has so much going on in head..." Kate could feel tears forming in the corners of her eyes as the shock began to ware off, and she hated it, that she was breaking down in front of all these people. Sayid and Locke exchanged a look.

"Well, I'm sorry we barged in on you like this," Sayid said, "we just thought someone might be hurt..."

Kate smiled at him softy, "It's alright Sayid, and thank you." It was good to know that some people cared about their well being.

Sayid gave her a nod and then left the tent, and Kate could hear him telling everyone to go back to their tents, that it was just a dream. She could hear Claire's accented voice protesting that she should see how Kate was, but eventually the voices died away.

Locke turned to go and follow Sayid out, but then turned back. "I know that James is a proud man, and I can imagine him letting you in to his inner most feelings was a big task for him. But if he ever needs to talk about any of this, then he knows where to find me."

Kate smiled at him and he left the tent. By then Sawyer had stopped trying to scream and was only shaking. Kate pulled him down to lay next to her and she cradled his head against her chest, wishing that there was something she could do to help him. Finally the shaking subsided, and she felt his body loosen its tense muscles as he fell into what she hoped was a peaceful sleep.

***

Kate turned to look at Sawyer as they walked along the beach, savoring the feel of her hand in his, and hoped they were both strong enough to complete this final task they had set themselves.


	31. Chapter 31

Sawyer pushed through the sleepy haze that enveloped him. He felt like shit, his head was throbbing and his throat felt like someone had pulled razor wire through it.  
He frowned, wondering why he felt so terrible. Then he remembered. The whole dream came back to him to suddenly he sat up and leaned over the makeshift bed, thinking he was going to be sick.

The feel of him sitting up quickly woke Kate for the second time in so many hours, and she felt fear course through her thinking he had had another dream.

"Are you alright Tex?" Kate asked, noticing that this time at least he wasn't screaming.

Sawyer took a deep breath, calming his nausea slightly and turned around to look at her. Her hair was sleep tousled, most of it coming out from the ponytail she usually wore to bed. Her skin was flushed from the morning heat of the tent, her eyes still dozy. He loved the way she looked first thing in the morning, he didn't think he would ever get board of the sight. This managed to push the dream back from his mind enough for him to scoot over back to her and give her a lingering good morning kiss, trailing his hand lightly over her naked hips.

"'Morning Freckles," he drawled and he drew away slightly.

Kate couldn't help but smile as he drew away form her lips. The mere presence of him filled her with joy, but she was still concerned about him, and knew she had to try and make him talk about it. "Do you remember what happened that night?" she asked him, keeping her voice light.

Sawyer gave her a wicked grin, "Don't think I'd forget the pleasure of having you riding me sweetness."

Kate grinned back, but then it began to fade, "No, not that, you...you woke up screaming, over and over again," she looked into his eyes and he looked away, "I figured you had the dream again, but I've never seen you that bad. You scared me, I was worried about you?" She said, reaching over the stroke his shoulder.

Sawyer could barely remember this happening, but it made sense as to why his throat felt like sandpaper. He fought the urge to turn around and snap at her, to tell her it was none of her damned business and that he didn't want to talk about it. But he was trying to be different, trying to let her in.

He sighed, still not looking at her, the dream was still so fresh in his mind it was painful to talk about, he still hadn't got over the shock of those horrific images. But he knew he had to give her something, "It started off like it usually does, only it was like I was watching what what happening, I could see myself as a kid and..." Kate moved and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him to her, "and then it got different, I was seeing everything differently and then I...I" he couldn't bring himself to utter the words out loud, to describe the blood, the accusing faces, the body of his mother screeching at him. He wasn't ready, not yet.

Kate turned his face to look at her, and she had never seen his eyes look so haunted, "It's okay," she said, "You don't have to tell me all about it now, I just...didn't want you to bottle it all up."

He looked at her sadly and kissed the tip of her nose, "I will tell you sweet cheeks, it's just all too fresh in my mind, I need time to process it."

Kate nodded, thinking of a way to change the conversation, he just wanted to chase that look for his eyes. "So, how about we talk about those tent extensions you mentioned?"

Sawyer grinned at her, a bit more spark going into it now, "Okay Freckles, first things first, we need to improve this bed," he pushed down on it, "for a start it needs to be springier, I like pounding you into it too damn hard for it to be this unyielding," Kate just laughed at this, the bed didn't bother her at all, it was much comfier than the one she used to sleep on in her own tent, but it was obviously distracting him so she let him continue, "and it needs to be twice as big!"

"Why? You planning on asking anyone to join us?" Kate retorted, grinning up at him.

Sawyer thought hard for a moment, "Well there is that cute blonde who camps up by Steve..."

Kate hit him playfully, and he just grinned. "The bed's gonna take up more space so we're gonna need to make this bit bigger," he said gesturing to the side of his tent. "I think we're gonna have to go scavenging freckles, you up for it?"

"I'm always up for it Tex, you should know that by now," she replied, her voice taking on a husky tone.

Sawyer grinned dirtily, "Aint that the truth."

She grinned back and began to pull of the covers, searching for her discarded clothes.

"Hey there babe, where ya going?" Sawyer asked, not impressed she was getting out of a bed already.

Kate stood up and managed to locate some panties and jeans by the bed and pulled them on. "I thought we're going scavenging Tex?" she said, knowing where he was going with this.

"We were!" Sawyer exclaimed, "but then you talked to me in that dirty little voice of yours...it aint nice to tease a man ya know freckles."

Kate just laughed, "Well, just think how much better it will be on our new bed Tex, plus you know we're going to have to christen it a few times right?"

Sawyer laughed at her sassyness, and got out of bed himself, letting Kate see just how ready he had been to ravage her. The sight of him long and hard almost made her jump straight back into bed, but she fought to control herself. 'Later,' she thought, 'Definitely later.'

Sawyer noticed her staring at him and he grinned, "Like what you see sweetness?" He asked, winking at her.

Kate closed the small distance between them and leaned over and whispered, "You know I do," then trailed her fingers lightly over him. He shuddered under her touch and his eyelids fluttered shut. When they opened she was already heading out the tent, a pleased look on her face. 'That woman is definitely gonna be the death of me,' he thought as he pulled on his jeans and a shirt and followed her out the tent.

******

It was only later when they had managed to salvage some materials, thanks to Sayid mentioning an area where there was lots of useful shaped wood when he built Shannon's shelter, that Kate brought the subject up again.

"Erm, do you think you should maybe have a talk with John?" Kate asked as she was holding a piece of wood in place that Sawyer was carefully trying to hammer in with an incredibly old hammer and box of nails that they had found in the hatch. They had both managed to avoid Jack at the time, as apparently he was sleeping according to Hurley who was on button duty.

Sawyer didn't look up from what he was doing, but he grit his teeth. "Now why would I want to go talk to old baldy?" he asked, deliberately being difficult. He had tried to push the dream to the back of his mind like he did with most of the other painful things that had happened to him, but Kate kept on trying to make him think about them, confront them. And although he knew she was doing it for his own good, it pissed him off nonetheless.

Kate sighed, "You know why. I just think it might do you good to hear what he told me, about all the things he did to hurt John...you were both hurt by this man."

"Look freckles, I don't know when you turned into my damned counselor, but I don't need no psycho-analysing, and I certainly don't need to talk about my feelings to Mr Clean, so lets just drop it okay." he said angrily. The sun was beating down on him, and his head was banging from the squinting he had to do to try and focus on the little tiny nail.

Kate didn't reply, his comments had hurt her, and she hated how easily he could do it as well. She knew that letting him into her life in this way was going to open her up to a lot of a possible hurt, but she didn't like how easy it was for him to do so.

Sawyer looked over and saw the expression of anger mixed with hurt on her face and he sighed. Was this how it was going to be now, one hurt look from her and he would bend over backwards to make her happy? He knew that being with her would make him have to change his ways slightly, but he didn't think one little comment would make him feel guilty as hell. He rubbed his temples, 'you're going soft,' he told himself.

He gave the nail a final whack and dropped the hammer in the sand and went over and wrapped his arms around her from behind, "I'll go talk to him okay, will that make you happy?" he said, leaning his head against hers.

She turned around in his arms and looked up at him, "You have to do this for yourself, because you think it will help you, not just for me Tex. You'll never be able to get over it if you don't want to."

Sawyer looked away, "I do want to, it's just...it was my reason for living for so long, it's difficult to put that all behind me. And it is all for you freckles, because you are my reason for living now, you're all I want." He bent down and covered her lips with his, tracing her lower lip with his tongue. Kate let herself fall into him and he crushed her against him. When he pulled away she could feel tears in the corners of her eyes. She laughed at herself, at how girly he was making her become. She doesn't usually tear up that easily, but it seems he always says something beautiful to her, something that makes her start gushing.

"I love you," she said, her lips still only a millimeter from his.

She could feel his lips turn into a smile, "Love you too Freckles."

He pulled away from her almost regretfully, trailing his hand over her ass as he did so, "Guess I'd better go see Old baldy then," Sawyer said.

"I didn't mean you have to go right now," Kate said, after that kiss she had been hoping he might drag her into his tent.

Sawyer grinned at her from a few metres away, "Paybacks a bitch aint it Freckles."

Kate remembered her actions this morning and laughed as she watched him walk away.

***

After they had put enough distance between them and the camp, Sawyer let go of Kate's hand reluctantly and gave her a quick kiss.

"Guess we oughta get some firewood then sweetness," he said.

Kate just nodded and they traced the outskirts of the jungle, picking up what they could find.


	32. Chapter 32

After reluctantly leaving Kate, Sawyer walked up the beach, hoping that Locke would be around camp, rather than in the hatch. It wasn't just the walk that he didn't feel up to, or knowing that it would mean it would take him hours to get back to his tent, and Kate, it was the thought of the man lying in the bunk bed in the hatch that he didn't want to see. He had to admit that the lack of Jack's presence over the last week had made things a bit easier. Of all the obstacles that they both had to face, dealing with Jack was not something he wanted to add to the list. But apparently he was doing well, which secretly Sawyer was glad to hear. He hated the guy, that was one thing he did know, but he had to admit that this had lessened knowing that Kate had chosen him. Part of him even felt sorry for him, although he tried not to think about the fact he felt sorry for Jackass, but if Jack cared about Kate one tenth of how much he did, then he knew he must be hurting like hell. But after hearing that Jack was regaining his strength and was beginning to be able to walk about the hatch did make Sawyer worry about how he was going to act when he returned to the beach. Would he use his influence to make the group shun the two of them? He couldn't care less if it was just him and Kate on the beach, but he knew it meant a lot to Kate that people liked her, and he would hate for Jack to hurt her in that way.

Sawyer got to Locke's tent and sighed. He wasn't there. He looked around and couldn't see him nearby either. Next to Locke's tent Rose and Bernard were busying themselves doing some laundry, bickering in the way couples do when they've been together a long time, about the best method of wringing out the water. Sawyer ran his hands through his hair in a gesture of annoyance and strolled over to them. Rose noticed him and smiled.

"Well hello Sawyer, what brings you over to our neck of the woods?" she asked kindly. Sawyer sighed to himself, Rose was one of the few people he couldn't bring himself to be rude to on the island, so he tended to avoid any interaction with her. She was just too...nice. Even when the whole group was ignoring him, she would still be courteous and polite, and it freaked him out. She was the kind of woman you always wanted your Grandmother to be. "Howdy," Sawyer replied, in his best friendly voice, although even to him it sounded forced, "have you seen Locke around, I need to, erm, talk to him?"

"He left about a half hour ago in that direction," she replied, pointing to left down the beach, "Hope that's some kind of help."

"Yeah it is, at least I know what direction to go in," Sawyer turned around to go, but then thought better of it. 'We're trying to change remember,' he told himself. "Er, thanks," he said, looking at the ground. "You're welcome honey," Rose replied smiling, as if she sensed his inner battle.

Sawyer eventually came across Locke sitting not too far down the beach where Rose had said he was gone, staring out at the waves. As Sawyer approached him he felt something akin to nerves eat away at his belly. He really didn't know if he was ready to talk about any of this. Opening up to Kate had been a big enough challenge, and it had completely ate away at his comfort zones, but opening up to another man about all this emotional shit...he didn't even know if he could do it.

"Hello James," Locke said, his gaze never leaving the ocean, "I'm glad you've come." Locke turned his head to look up at him, "You must have a lot of questions."

Sawyer chuckled bitterly, "You could say that." He felt really awkward, he didn't know if he should just sit down, or ask to sit down, or stay standing, let alone begin talking about it. For a moment he wished that none of this was happening, that he hadn't agreed to take over Hurley's button duty that already felt as if it was months ago, then none of this would be happening, he wouldn't have to have this conversation. 'But then you wouldn't have her, would you?' a voice told him. He sighed, he wouldn't wish that away for anything, she was the best, the only good thing that had ever happened to him, he would go through worse than this if it meant being with her. Not that right now he could think of anything worse than what she had told him only a few days ago.

Locke looked up at him for a moment, "Why don't you sit down James, you'll give me neck ache if I have to keep looking up like this," Locke said smiling.

Sawyer didn't say anything and just sat down beside the man, staring out at the waves, listening to the gentle sound of them lapping the shore.

Locke sensed that Sawyer was finding it difficult broaching the subject, so he spoke first. "I'm sorry for what happened to you." He didn't look over at the man beside him, hoping that his

words wouldn't hurt him. He knew Sawyer got offended so easily, and it was incredibly difficult to know how he was going to react to anything. "After he conned me out of my kidney, I did some research into his past and it said what happened, I can't imagine what that must have been like, to go through that."

Sawyer tried not to think about the man's words too hard, but rather let them wash over him. He wasn't comfortable with someone on the island knowing the intimate details of what happened to him, so instead he asked the question that had been running through his mind ever since he had been able to think clearly about what happened.

"When did he die?" Sawyer managed to ask, even though the words felt as if they were being squeezed out, he desperately wanted to know, yet dreaded the answer to that question.

"Just over a year ago," Locke replied, in the same emotionless voice.

Sawyer felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. His worse fears had been confirmed. When Hibbs sent him off to Australia, when Hibbs conned him into going to Australia, when he stood in the pouring rain, his hand shaking so damn hard he wasn't even sure if he would be able to aim straight. When he shot an innocent man through the heart and stood there and watched him die, the man he had been hunting had already been dead. He hadn't thought it was possible to feel any worse about what he had done, but knowing this made it feel much, much worse.

Locke looked over at the man beside him and noticed his reaction to what he had said. He wondered why this was so important to him, but felt that it wasn't his place to ask, so he just sat there and let him fight his inner battle.

Sawyer looked over at Locke, trying to hide the torment in his eyes, but knowing that it wasn't working. "How did he die?" he asked, his voice holding a tremor in it that he was ashamed of, yet didn't know how to control. He hoped and prayed that it was painful, that there was something that happened to him that gave him what he deserved.

Locke sighed, his calm composure beginning to crack, having his own inner battle to fight. Did he lie to make him feel better, or did he hope he could handle the truth. He didn't know what to do for the best. He had told Kate that absolute honesty was the best route, but now the reality was sitting beside him, his usual sarcastic and cocky composure torn to threads already, he was suddenly afraid of how he would handle the truth. In the end he went with his gut feeling, trusting in James's inner strength to push past this final obstacle. "He died of a heart attack in his sleep," he said quietly, looking into his eyes as he said this, "the doctor said that it came on suddenly and that it would have been quick."

Locke searched Sawyer's face for a reaction, seeing his eyes widen at the news and his breathing quicken to the rate where he was near hyperventilating. Suddenly Sawyer scrambled to his feet and stumbled the few meters to the edge of the jungle where he threw up the meager content of his stomach. Locke just sat there, knowing that there was nothing he could do or say to make this moment less painful for him; he remembered the moment he had found out himself. He still had the scar on his wrist from when he had punched his fist threw a window, falling out of his wheelchair and almost bleeding to death.

Sawyer knelt there for several minutes, too many thoughts and emotions cutting into his mind for him to focus on one for any length of time. Then all of sudden he felt a strange sense of calm wash over him. For a second he was afraid he would start to feel numb again, just like he had when Kate had first told him, and he never wanted to react in that way again. It scared him more than he ever thought anything would again after "that night", knowing that he had held a gun to her chest, knowing that he was so damned near to pulling the trigger. But then he realized it wasn't numbness that he was feeling, but a sense of calm caused by the fact that he now knew the worst. That calm that you get when you know that you've hit rock bottom, that there is nothing anyone can say to make things any worse.

All those years searching, hoping, wondering where he was, what had happened to him. Now he knew, it hurt like fucking hell, but he knew, and it was a strange feeling that began to creep up his spine and flood his brain, one he wasn't sure he ever remembered feeling. The feeling of peace, only a gentle whisper at the back of his mind, not quite real or formed yet, but the possibility of it was there. He thought about this feeling, almost as if it was a new flavor he was rolling about on his tongue. He had never really thought past his revenge, what he would do after it was accomplished, how it would make him feel. He thought the only way he could have a life was by ending His. But he realized the most likely thing he would have done in put the gun to his own damned head and pull the trigger.

He had lived for revenge, what would he have had to live for if he had found it? Nothing and he had made damned well sure he had nothing to live for apart from revenge. Maybe Michael had been right all those weeks ago when they were on the raft, he did want to die, since "that night" in the back of his mind had he wished he had followed his parents into death. Was finding the real Sawyer only an excuse to prolong his own suicide?

He felt dizzy with all these thoughts, and he moved from his crouched kneeling position and leaned back, looking up the beach. He thought of her, Kate. Her laugh, the way her nose crinkled when she thought hard about something, the way she looked first thing in the morning. She was everything to him; she had made him feel alive again, and made him feel for the first time that he might just deserve something better. He had told her that she was his reason for living now, but he realized that he had to try and live for himself as well, had to try and open himself up to possibilities and experiences that he had always denied himself; because if he just lived for her, it still wouldn't really be living.

He managed to drag himself to his feet and walk back to where Locke was sitting. The pain of what Locke had told him still felt like an open wound gaping inside him, but at least he knew that there would at least be no salt to rub into them now.

Locke looked up as Sawyer sat next to him again, noticing the haggard expression on his face, but also seeing the resolve that he had to try and get through this, and Locke knew why he had found the strength.

"I had a girlfriend," Locke began, still staring out to sea, "Helen. I met her at an anger management class I had to go to after He stole my kidney." Sawyer looked over at him, wondering where this story was going, but knowing when to keep his mouth shut, much like when Locke had told him and Kate the story of his sister Janie who had died falling off the monkey bars. "At that time in my life most nights I would drive to his house and park outside, looking for an opportunity to...well, I didn't really know what I wanted. But she made me give it up, made me choose between him and her, told me I needed to take a leap of faith and I did. For almost a year we were really happy, had a house together. Then on the day I was going to take her on a picnic and ask her to marry me, she sees an obituary in the paper saying that he, my father, had died."

Locke ran his hand over his head in what was an old gesture when he used to run his hand over his hair. "We went to the funeral, I said my goodbye's, told him I forgave him," he smiled bitterly, "only to find him the next day in a car outside my house, alive and well saying that he needed my help, that he had two men after him and that he needed me to go to a safety deposit box and get the money out for him, and in return he would give me a cut. And I said I'd do it, not for the money, but because I was so hungry for his approval, for any scraps I could get from him.

I was in and out of foster homes as a kid my whole life, some of them were good, most of them bad, but there's always that sense of not belonging, of knowing that something is missing, and I was desperate to try and make any contact I could with him."

Locke stopped for a moment and sighed, as if gathering himself for the next part. "When I went back inside my house, there were two men with Helen, waiting to ask me if I had seen my father. I told them that this was ridiculous, that my father was dead and buried, and they left, but with a knowing look amongst themselves. I knew they were the men who were after my father. I didn't tell Helen any of this, I knew she would tell me to walk away, tell me that I was making a huge mistake and that he was just using me again, but I didn't want to hear it. So I complete the job, and I met my father in a motel room by the airport like we arranged. Just as he was about to leave to catch his plane, Helen walks in, angry as hell that I was there with him. She storms out, he leaves. I go after her, begging her to forgive me, to let me explain. She finally lets me in the car with her and we drive off." Locke pauses and takes a deep breath, "Next thing I know we are hit from the side and our car gets pushed off the highway and I remember it spinning over and over again until it landed on its side. I managed to look out of the window and I saw them, the two men in a car parked on the edge of the highway, the men who had turned up at my house, the ones who rammed us off the road. I saw them look down at our car, laugh and drive away."

Sawyer could see the look of pain that was evident in Locke's eyes, because he recognized deep emotional pain that was so far etched into your being that it was a part of you. "Next thing I remember I'm in a hospital bed, only I..." Locke paused for a moment, he was about to say that he had no feeling from the waist down, but something in his mind told him that it would be a good idea to with hold that bit of information, and he always listened to his gut feelings, especially as they were on this island. "Only I was alone, and Helen wasn't there. I asked the first nurse I saw where she was, how she was doing, and I saw this look on her face, one of immense pity. She told me that Helen had died after three hours of surgery trying to repair her internal injuries."

Locke tore his eyes away from the ocean and stared at Sawyer, his pain and anger written all over his face, "He killed her. Those men were punishing me...punishing us for helping him, they must have been following me, but not able to get to him they decided to get their revenge on me instead. He played me, conned me again, he knew I was still desperate for his attention, and he knew I would help him, and he must have found out what had happened. But I never heard from him again. I was so angry at him, angry for such a long time. But one day I realized that it wasn't just him I was angry at, I was angry at myself, at my weakness. If I had just refused to help him, she never would have died. But I knew that I could only forgive myself after I gave up my hatred of him, it was eating away at me. After the accident threw everything I had, money, time into finding him, finding out everything about him. Then once I heard he had died I knew there was nothing I could do anymore, no way could I make him pay, and eventually it became a relief, knowing that it was over."

Locke stopped speaking and sighed, "What I'm trying to make you understand James, is that you can never move on with your life until you give him up, give up the rage and the hate, and the comfort that you seek in holding onto it. Don't make the same mistake I did and let him, even in death, ruin your chance with the woman you love." Sawyer frowned at him automatically when he used the word love, and it made Locke smile, "Don't get offended James, I just get the impression that neither you nor Kate would be trying any kind of relationship unless it was serious."

"What if I don't deserve to move on," Sawyer asked quietly, looking intently at Locke. "I am not a good man; I have done so many terrible things to so many people..."

"And you have suffered for them," Locke said, cutting him off. "We all get a second chance on this island James, but only you can choose to accept it now that it has been given to you." Locke pulled himself up, brushing the sand from him. Sawyer watched him get up, and then turned his gaze back to the waves, not knowing what to say.

Locke smiled at this and put a tentative hand on his shoulder. "Think on what I have said," Locke remarked, "And I truly hope that you can find some peace James." Locke began to walk away.

Sawyer watched him walk away, but stopped him by calling, "John." Locke turned around and looked at him. "Thank you," Sawyer said, realizing that this was the second time he had used a word and that like "sorry"; he could probably count on one hand the amount of times that he had used it and meant it.

Locke smiled, "You are quite welcome," and continued walking away, leaving Sawyer alone on the beach, pondering everything that Locke had said.

***

Once Sawyer and Kate had collected a decent pile of firewood, it didn't take them long to make a good sized fire. They sat down beside it, and reached for each others hands, trying to draw the strength from each other to complete what they had set out to do.


	33. Chapter 33

Dusk was approaching. The sun had not yet set, but the light had already begun to grow dim. There was that chill in the air that the survivors mainly welcomed after the glaring heat of the day. There was a slight breeze that danced through the leaves on the trees nearby, giving a distant rustling sound that was strangely peaceful.

Sawyer and Kate sat by their fire, feeling both close to one another and distant at the same time. It had been his idea to come out here. He had come back from his talk with Locke, with a strange feeling of calm about himself that Kate had desperately hoped for, yet not expected. You could never expect Sawyer to act in a normal way. He didn't seem aware of the normal emotional response to anything, and this was both endearing and frightening. Kate hadn't come straight out and asked how the talk had gone. She knew him well enough to know that he couldn't be forced to open up. And neither could she, she realized with a smile.

"I think I know what I've got to do," he had said quietly, his eyebrows drawn into a frown, not in anger, just thinking very hard, his cocky swagger momentarily put aside. "But I need your help, I...I can't do this by myself." He had looked up at her, on the surface uncomfortable with asking help from anyone, but deep down, she could see his fear of rejection.

She had climbed down from the log she was standing on; she had been trying to get on with some of the improvements to their tent while he was gone, and silently walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and looking up, reaching the gaze of his stormy blue eyes. "Of course I'll help you," she said, her mouth only an inch away from his, and she couldn't help but brush his lips lightly. She expected him to harden the kiss, to crush her body against his with his usual fervor. But instead he drew away slightly, so he could look down at her, studying her face.

"No, Kate," he said softly, his voice taking on a more serious tone, especially with the use of her real name, "Don't agree before you have heard me out."

She had heard him out. Her first reaction was to run away. That was always her first reaction, but she fought the urge, gritting her teeth and grinding her feet into the ground, willing them to stay put. He had noticed this, and gone into the tent, saying he would give her some space to think it over. Deep down she knew that he trusted her not to run away, and she knew that this trust was thin and wavering, a fragile thing that cannot be tested, so she sat only a few metres away from the tent, her shoes off, feeling the sand against her toes, trying to appreciate the feel of being grounded.

She didn't know if she was ready for what he was asking of her. All this time she had been hoping and wishing that he would let go, when she hadn't even considered what she needed to do herself. Part of her tried to hate what he was asking of her, but she quickly knew that wouldn't work. She loved him. What he asked of her made sense, she knew it was the right thing to do. But she didn't know of she could do it, not even for him.

She had never really envisioned herself having a normal life. Even before she had concocted her plan to kill Wayne, she had always wanted to run away. To just take off and see where the wind would take her. The feeling off freedom from being tied down to anything, to family or friends. It was the easiest way to stay safe, to not get hurt. With only isolation and the road for company. But the idea suited her fine. She had seen what having a house, husband, kids had done to her mother. Although she had never been overtly cruel to Kate as a child, Kate had always got the impression that she was a burden on her mother. Her mother was pretty and liked to have a good time, but having Kate seemed to change all that. She stayed in at night and she cooked and cleaned, and rarely complained. But Kate could always sense it under the surface, the bottled up resentment, the unhappiness that this was her life now. Maybe that was why she had got back together with Wayne, he reminded her of herself before Kate was born.

Although Kate knew that Sawyer wasn't asking any particular commitment of her, she knew that what they had was anything but casual. Taking this final step seemed as if it would cement things, and it felt stronger and more binding than any marriage might have. Because not only were they attempting to give up their paths, they were doing for each other, so that they could be together properly. And it felt more serious than she knew signing any piece of paper would.

Did she know what she truly wanted from him? She wanted to feel, for the first time in her life that she belonged; that there was someone who she could share the precious pieces of herself with. But she also knew she wanted freedom, her independence. She wanted to able to walk alone for a while, to wander off and not have anyone questioning her actions. Despite everything, she was a free spirit and she always would be, and she didn't want anyone tying her metaphorical wings to the ground. She knew that he was a free spirit too. It was part of what attracted her in the first place, and she also knew deep down that he wouldn't begrudge her this. But what if he changed, became possessive...was it worth the risk...she already knew the answer to that question.

And here they were, taking the final step. In the moment when they would both try and change forever, the moment of total honestly with each other.

"What did you dream about the other night?" Kate asked suddenly, needing to not only break the silence, but to also know what had terrified him to that point.

Sawyer sighed. He had tried so hard to push those images away, but he tried to pay heed to what Locke had told him. Maybe talking about it was the best way to get over it. "It started off like "The Dream" usually does, only this time it was like I was a fly on the wall, watching what had happened...watching myself as a boy go through it all," his voice was flat and emotionless, and he didn't dare look at her, for fear that he wouldn't be able to reach the end before breaking down. "I followed him...myself, into the kitchen, where the body of my mother was laying. Then the boy disappeared, everything began to shake and all I could hear was ringing in my ears, and then blood began to run down the walls, and in it were all the faces of all the people I had hurt over the years," horror began to seep into his voice, "and then," he took a deep breath, "then her body began to move, began to twitch until she was walking towards me, and her voice," he squeezed his eyes shut hard," oh God, her voice was horrible, telling me I'm a failure, that everything that happened was all my fault, she tries to touch me..." he trailed off, feeling his hands shaking.

Kate kneeled down in front of him, taking his shaking hands in hers and looked into his stricken face. "It's okay, its just a dream baby, you know that its not true. None of it was your fault; it was a combination of actions that culminated in a disastrous event. But the only person that was blameless is you."

"But I failed her, I failed to kill him, to avenge her..." he said, still automatically trying to defend the memory of his mother.

"You didn't fail anybody," Kate said forcefully, letting go of his hands and grasping his face instead, forcing him to look directly into her eyes, "they failed you, not the other way around. And deep down you know it."

Sawyer closed his eyes, and leaned his forehead against hers, trying to let her words wash away some of the pain that had been brought up by the dream. He was trying to forgive himself, but he knew he had to try and forgive them at the same time. He opened his eyes and saw her looking at him so concerned; he gave her a slight smile and kissed her, hoping she knew how grateful he was that she here. Kate returned his kiss, savoring the feel of it, the way he seemed to always suck at her lower lip first, before leaning the kiss upwards to devour her whole mouth. Kissing him was like savoring a delicious sweet, and she always came away feeling fed and satiated. He pulled away and gave her his more normal grin, the one that meant his was thinking dirty thoughts, and she was so grateful that among all of this emotional baggage that they were dredging up, he cared about her enough to let his desire for her overcome that, even only momentarily. It gave her hope that they were strong enough to do this.

She resumed her position sitting beside him, and she drew Tom's toy plane out of her pocket, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them, holding the plane out in front of her with one hand.

"I've never told you the story behind this plane have I?" Kate asked him, even though she already knew the answer, it was more of an introduction really. Sawyer shook his head, not wanting to interrupt her by saying anything. Kate took a deep breath and continued. "Tom was my best friend all through school. I was always a bit of a tomboy and never really got on with other girls that well. We grew up together, we shared everything. When my daddy left, Tom was the one who held me when I cried, and didn't tease me at all for being girly. Whenever Wayne would come home drunk, start beating my Mom or smashing things, or try coming through my door, it was Tom I ran to, Tom's bedroom window I climbed through, and Tom who tried to cheer me up. I would sit and tell him about how, when I was old enough, I would get my license and just drive away, I didn't know where, but I knew that one day I would have my freedom. As we got older, I knew he began to have feelings for me that ran deeper than friendship, and although I loved him very much, it was never really in that way. When we were children he would want to play "Mommies and Daddies" with me, and we would sit in a playhouse surrounded by dolls and stuff, and as I grew up I knew that this was what he wanted from me. He proposed to me the day we left school. There used to be this massive tree we would climb and he drove me there and had a picnic and everything, did the whole ring in champagne thing, although where he had got the money and how he had got hold of the alcohol surprised me, as we were both under age," she smiled sadly, staring into the fire. "I was so shocked, but in a way I should have been expecting it. I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to drive away, to get in my car and leave the whole town behind and everything in it. But the other part couldn't bear to leave him, and everything that we had built up over the years. And I also knew deep down that I couldn't leave my Mom, not with Wayne still alive."

She sighed, "Sometimes I think I married him because I needed a reason to make me stay, because part of me knew the only way I could leave was with Wayne dead, and even then I wanted to be the reason he died, the one to kill him." Kate took a sip of water from the bottle nearby, "So I said yes, I married him. I knew I didn't love him in that way, but I hoped; that in time, I could. I figured that so many people marry and end up not getting along, and at least we were friends...deep down I knew I was making a mistake, but I thought that I had to try. We decided that we would wait until the wedding night before we...before we would have sex, and I was glad. I was nineteen when we got married, it was a small but nice wedding, his parents were reasonably well off for anyone in our area, and they footed most of the bill. I remember walking down the isle by myself. My father was away, he was a Sergeant in the army and he couldn't make it back, and there was no way I would let Wayne walk me down the aisle. But I had to put up with feeling his leering eyes on me, his filthy grin as I stood at the front of the church and said vows that in my heart I knew weren't true. They say your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest say of your life, but I just felt empty. I tried so hard to be happy and excited, but I just couldn't. That night we had sex for the first and only time. I had been dreading it, taking that step with someone who I saw as more of a brother than a lover. We were both virgins so we didn't know what to expect. After we had finished Tom fell asleep and I remember wrapping myself in a bathrobe and sitting on the balcony. I felt so...dirty, like I had done something wrong. Like there was something wrong with me for thinking what we had done was so bad." Kate could feel tears building in her eyes, "I didn't know what to do, so I ran. I left him a note and I ran, I took the cowards way out. We ended up getting the marriage annulled and he moved away."

Kate paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Sawyer moved so their bodies were touching as they sat next to each other, and not knowing what to do, put his arm around her shoulders, in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. Kate turned to look at him as he did this and gave him a weak smile. "I didn't think I would ever see him again," she continued, "but then, when I was on the run I found out that my mother had cancer and was in hospital, the same hospital that Tom now worked, he had always wanted to be a doctor. I was dreading seeing him again, I still felt so guilty for what I had done, how badly I must have hurt him. But I was also looking forward to seeing him. I still cared about him so much and missed his presence in my life. I broke into his car and waited for him in the back seat," she smiled slightly at this memory, and Sawyer couldn't help but feel a wave of admiration towards her. "And he did help me; he pulled a few strings and arranged a time when I could see her privately. But we had some time to kill, so he suggested we dig up a time capsule that we had buried when we were kids. In it was his plane," she held it up so she could see it clearer.

She gazed at it for several moments before continuing. "When I saw my mother she couldn't even look at me, she looked so ill, her face ashen, massive bags under her eyes. She was always so beautiful, but then she just looked like she was dying. The worst thing was she was scared of me," she turned to look at him with such raw emotion in her eyes that Sawyer pulled her closer to him, wishing he could take away the hurt that it was causing her. "My own Mother, terrified of me. She stared screaming for help and I had to run away. A security guard was alerted so I had to knock him out, and as I made a dash for Tom's car, I heard him behind me calling my name, but I didn't even turn around, I just knew I had to get away. But he followed me. He followed me to the car and sat in the passenger seat, and refused to get out. I had to drive away and he knew this, and he had a wife and a little baby but he still made the decision to stay with me. So I drove out of the car park, but there were two squad cars blocking my way. A cop with a gun got out and yelled at me to stop or he'd fire. I didn't stop, I couldn't stop, and I had to get away, so I kept on driving. I drove straight through the barrier, almost ran over the cop but he dove out the way at the last minute. I had seen him fire him gun and several bullets hit the windshield but I was alright. I stopped the car and looked around," she starts to rock slightly without realizing it, seeing it all again in her mind as if she was reliving it, "and Tom's slumped forward in his seat, not moving, his chest covered in blood. I moved him back and I knew automatically that he was dead, that he had been shot in the chest." She moved away so she could look into his eyes. "I killed him, he stayed because he still loved me, and I killed him."

She couldn't keep herself from breaking into harsh sobs and she buried her face in Sawyer chest. He just sat there and held her, hoping that he could somehow make her give up her guilt.


	34. Chapter 34

Eventually Kate's sobs quieted and she looked up at Sawyer, her face puffy from crying. It broke his heart to see her so pained, and a wave of guilt washed over him; he knew that it had been him who had asked her to dreg all this back up. But deep down he knew that this was something they were both supposed to do, something they both had to do if they could have anything real with each other.  
Kate gathered herself and pulled away from Sawyer's embrace gently, but not before he gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.

"This plane," she continued her voice hoarse from crying, "along with the other things we had dug up were left on the back seat. Not that I remembered at the time. All I could think was 'run away.' And that's just what I did, I got out of the car and I ran. I couldn't even go to his funeral. I read about it in the paper though, saw pictures of his wife's tear stained face." She could feel tears threatening again, and she took a deep breath. "I found out later that the Marshal had taken the plane, along with some of the other items and put them in a safety deposit box. When I found that out, I made it my mission to get the plane back. I had to have that plane in my hands, had to feel it, so it could remind me of what I'd done, about all the pain my actions had rained down upon other people. But also because it reminded me of him, of our hopes and dreams, of our innocence as children. So I conned a man into helping me rob the bank," she looked at Sawyer to see his reaction of this. This news didn't really surprise him. He knew that she was good at manipulating people; she would had to have been to have survived on the run so long. But it also felt eerily as if this was another thing that they had in common. He still found it hard to believe sometimes that they had found each other and that against all odds; they had ended up at this moment.

Realizing that he was getting lost in his own thoughts, and that Kate's expression was growing more anxious, he reached over and took her hand, hoping that she knew that he would never judge her for anything she had done. Hell, it would be only slightly hypocritical if he did! Kate smiled weakly at him and continued, staring into the fire. "Everything went according to plan, we got into the vault, the bank manger had given me the key, when the people I was with kept threatening to shoot the man, I...I shot them, not killing shots, just in the leg, they were going to hurt the man, they were going to ruin everything..."

Kate's voice had begun to rise, and Sawyer was beginning to get worried about her, "It's okay Freckles, it's okay," he said, putting his arm around her, "You did what you had to do. You saved that man from being hurt."

Kate exhaled slowly; desperately wanting to believe what Sawyer was saying, but not sure if she could.

"I kept the plane with me all the time, I would take it out and hold it, letting it remind me of what I'd done, letting it remind me of what a bad person I was. Until the Marshal took it off me when they finally caught me anyway." She looked up at him, "This is what was in the Marshal's case, the one we pulled from those bodies, this plane. I had to get it back; I would have done anything to get it back."  
Sawyer hugged her tighter to him; glad to finally know just what was in that case that was so important and now understood her actions much better.

"It's alright Freckles, I understand. I got my own, right in my pocket." he said, bitterness creeping into his voice as he retrieved his letter. He stared at it, every inch of it he knew by heart, the way it looked, the way it felt. "This letter had driven my whole life. Ya know I used to wonder what it would have been like if my Mom had never got conned. What kind of man I'd be, what I'd be doing now. I was a bright kid, could'a even been a doctor. Just like Jack," he said with an ironic smile.

Kate turned so she was completely facing him, touching his cheek to make him look her in the eyes. "I would never want you to be like Jack," she said, pronouncing each word slowly, hoping that he would believe her, "I love you for who you are now, not who you could have been. Maybe you could have been a doctor, maybe by now you would have a wife and a pile of kids and a mini-van. But you don't know if this would have made you happy, if it would have been truly what you wanted. It certainly didn't seem to work that way for Jack," she pointed out.

Sawyer was silent for a moment, considering what she had said, but also delaying asking a question that he knew he had to get answered, but was almost afraid to ask. "Did you...ever have any feelings for Jack," he managed to say, looking away.

Kate sighed, "When I first got to know Jack, he reminded me so much of Tom. Not just the fact that they were both doctors, but just the way they both spoke, the way they saw things, their beliefs. Things were always black and white for Tom, the way they are for Jack," she said with a sad smile. "And not only that, but we seemed to strike up some kind of friendship, although I never felt like I could be open with him about...what I'd done, but it reminded me of how Tom and I were once, in some ways. I thought that he was my chance to make things right, to change the mistakes that I had made with Tom, so I tried to force myself to feel something, the way I tried with Tom, hoping that this time it would work. I thought Jack's approval would make me into a good person. He was good, so if he consulted me, valued my opinion; then it would make me good too." She took his hand and laced his fingers with hers. "But I knew that it wouldn't work, that I could never feel anything real for him, because there was someone else who I couldn't get out of my head, someone else who occupied my thoughts, whose merest smile made me feel just that bit better. And I tried so hard to fight it, to force myself to stop feeling that way. But I got tired of fighting, tired of trying to feel something for someone who I could never be happy with. I still value Jack's friendship, like I valued Tom's, but it wasn't Jack who I fell in love with, it was you."

Sawyer could feel tears pricking his eyes and he desperately fought against them. Hearing her say that had healed something deep inside of him; to finally hear her declare why she had chosen him over Jack. He closed that final distance between them, brushing her lips with his, savoring the feel of her. She responded, and traced her fingers lightly down his cheek, and over the roughness of his stubble that she loved. The kiss became more feverish, both reaching out to caress each other's bodies, to touch as much skin as possible. It was Kate who pulled away.

"Stop," she said breathlessly, fighting the urge to jump on him after what had just occurred between them. "Don't think I haven't noticed how you use sex as an avoidance technique," she said, half teasing him, although they both know it was true.

Sawyer shrugged with a grin on his face, and trailed his hand over her ass. "Never heard you complainin'," he said his mouth dangerously close to hers again. Kate put a hand on his chest, stopping him from closing the distance between them again, "No I usually don't," she said, not able to stop a small smile from creeping out, "but you brought me out here for a reason."  
Sawyer sighed and sat back down by the fire, he knew that he had to finish what they had started, but it was so difficult to let go of almost thirty years of pain, when it came down to it, could he do it?  
Kate sat back down next him, trying to control her racing heart. She reached over and picked up the plane again, which immediately made her thoughts turn back to her painful past, just like she had trained herself to do.

"Do you ever think that we don't deserve this, to have the chance to be able to let go of what we've done and move on," she asked before she could stop herself.  
"I think that everyday," Sawyer said quietly. "But we crashed here, you don't have to run from the cops anymore, hide your identity, and even if we do ever get off this island, the man I was hunting is already dead. I thought that hating myself would be enough to punish me for what I had done, for the man I had become, but no amount of self-loathing will put right what I did, what either of us did. We can only try and move on and change. I don't know if we can, if either of us is capable of changing, but I think we owe it to ourselves to try." Sawyer stopped suddenly, realizing what he was coming out with and Kate smiled up at him.

"I never would have thought you were one for giving motivational speeches Tex," she teased lightly.  
He shook his head and laughed slightly, "Hell, my talk with Ol' Baldy must have had more of an impact than I thought."

They looked at each other a moment, Kate grasping her plane, and Sawyer his letter. They both fell into silent contemplation, the teasing and the banter forgotten instantly as the realization of what they were about to do dawned upon them with renewed force. Sawyer let out a shaking breath he hadn't realized he had been holding; as he tore his gaze away from the piece of paper in his hands, and fixed it onto Kate. "Are you ready?" he asked, his voice almost sticking in his dry throat. Kate met his gaze and he could see her hands trembling. She took a deep breath, "Yes," she said, trying to quench the feeling of nausea that had been brought on by her nerves.

Sawyer reached for her free hand, and grasped it tightly with his own, as much for his own support as hers. Their gazes both turned to the fire in front of them, staring at it so intently that it blurred slightly. They slowly reached over until their hands were hovering over the fire, it was uncomfortably hot, but they both paid no attention to it. Kate stole one final glance at Sawyer, one final glance that said 'this is our last chance, after this, there is no going back.' Sawyer grit his teeth in a sign of grim determination, not letting his inner voice talk himself out of it, not letting his tortured psyche once again get the better of him. Sawyer turned back around to stare into the fire, letting her know that he was not back out now.  
He could feel his hand clenched up so tightly around his letter, he could feel the smoothness of it, worn away over time, against his fingertips -- like a long lost friend. It felt so safe, so familiar to clench it so tightly. He willed himself to find the strength and he uncurled his fingers slowly, one at a time, even now as if his body was fighting him, trying to prevent him from letting go. He would always remember the vision of that last finger uncurling, of his letter being lifted by a gentle gust of wind out of his hands and fall gracefully into the fire, the bright flames start to caress the edges, spreading until the whole thing was burning, an inferno in the middle of the fire. He let out a deep breath and he could feel the wetness against his cheeks suddenly, the pain in his hand where his fingernails had dug into his palm without him even realizing it.

He looked over at Kate, she had her eyes closed and he could see the silent tears running down her cheeks. The plane was balanced in the palm of her hand, right over the fire. Slowly she began to tilt her hand, and Sawyer could feel the shaking breaths coming out of her, as if she too was fighting against herself. He watched her eyes fly open as the plane fell into the fire, the way her breath caught in her throat as the flames began making the plastic bubble and melt. He wanted to go over to her, to hold her, but he knew he had to wait until she had said her goodbyes.

Kate watched as the shape of the plane began to melt away, as the plastic bubbled against the wood of the fire, until it was consumed. 'I'm sorry Tom, I'm so sorry I couldn't be the woman you wanted to be.' She said to herself as she saw the last remnants of the plane consumed. She looked over at Sawyer and saw him gazing at her with a look that she had never seen on his face before, relief. She reached out for him and when he pulled her into his arms, she finally let herself go, let herself cry and Sawyer just held on to her feeling his own tears on his cheeks.

They held on to each other as if they were the only solid things left in the world as they tried to kiss the past goodbye.


	35. Chapter 35

They held onto each other long after the tears had stopped flowing, just enjoying the feeling of one another's comforting embrace. Sawyer kept waiting to feel different, to feel like a huge weight had been lifted off him with the burning of his letter. He did feel a strange sense of peace, but that part of him that felt like it burnt and bled every time he thought about his letter and everything it represented was still there. The familiar ache hadn't gone away as he watched the paper turn into ashes. Had he really expected it to be that easy? Deep down he knew that it would take time. That almost a life time of hurt cannot be taken away in one gesture, no matter how painful that gesture may be. But he also knew that is was the right thing to do, the first step to letting go.

His attention fell to the woman he was tightly holding in his arms, and upon drinking in the feel of her, some of the pain seemed to melt away. Being with her healed him, probably more than the destroying of the letter would. He buried his face in the bend of her neck, drinking in her smell, tasting the salty tang of the light sheen of sweat.

Kate felt numb. The kind of numb you get when you have cried so hard that your body can't take anymore pain, so it wraps itself up in a comfortable blanket, trying to kid you that the pain has gone away. She knew it hadn't though. She was never one for self-denial. The pain was there alright, just beneath the surface. A palpitating lump that felt so real you could poke at it with a single thought. She had also become unaware of the strong, masculine body holding her. Until he began to rub himself against her neck. She was brought back to awareness with the rough feel of his stubble that she adored, the ripeness of his lips gently caressing her skin, the feel of the tip of his tongue lightly tasting her. All of a sudden she wanted to feel him against her, wanted him to banish this terrifying numbness, but stop the pain from invading.

Sawyer could feel her shudder against him and let out a small moan. He couldn't help but feel a wave of arousal as he began to swell against her. He began to trace light kissed across her neck, going down to her shoulders and back up again. Kate let out a sigh, concentrating on the feel of his lips, trying to let the sensation banish everything else from her thoughts. She had told him earlier that she used sex as avoidance, or a way of coping with things, and that is what she needed now, not necessarily the feeling of pleasure, but the feeling of closeness. That moment where you are connected in every possible way, melded together.

She moved her head away and reached to tangle her hands in his hair, bringing him up for a kiss. She crushed her lips onto his, pressing herself hard up against him, hoping he knew just what she wanted. Much to her frustration he put his hands on her cheeks, so he was the one in control of the kiss as she removed her hands, bringing her rough onslaught into something much slower. He kissed her gently, brushing his lips against hers to appreciate their softness, whilst trailing his fingers down her cheeks.  
Slowly, he pushed against her, lowering her to the ground, until she was flat on her back, never breaking his slow, soft kisses. He took the bottom of her top and pulled it up over her head, breaking the kiss only momentarily. He couldn't help but appreciate the view. She was wearing a black lacey bra that she had revealed to him only a few days ago, telling him how she had found it in the spare luggage. It was a bit too small, so she didn't wear it often, but it did give her an amazing cleavage that Sawyer was only too happy to appreciate for a while. He drew away from her mouth and lowered himself to the mounds of her breasts that were showing, running his tongue in between where they were pressed together, savoring the salty taste of her skin again. God, he loved the way she tasted. The bra made it easy for him to take quite a large area into his mouth, and he sucked, applying just enough pressure for it to leave a slight red mark, but made sure not to use any teeth. They had had enough emotional pain, and he didn't think either was in the mood for pleasurably painful sex, no matter how good it felt.

Kate writhed underneath him, loving the feel of the weight of his body pressed against the length of her. She reached to undo the buttons on his shirt, being careful not to rip them off, as they had proceeded to rip most of the buttons off two of his favorite shirts, not that he cared at the time, but if it wasn't for the use of the sewing kit, he would rapidly be running out of clothes. As he felt her hands upon him, he drew away from her breast, stopping for a moment to enjoy the mark he had left on her, knowing it would fade in a few minutes. He helped her with the final few button and pushed his shirt off, shuddering at the feel of her hands running over the contours of his chest and back.

He shut his eyes and gave himself up to the sensation of her delicate, yet rough hands caressing him. His eyes flew open when he felt her hands against the button of his jeans. She was smiling up at him, the smile that he loved, the one laced with all kinds of hidden promises and dark thoughts. The one that he could imagine was almost always on his own face. He still couldn't believe that she was his. That it was him who she gave these secret smiles to, that is was him who got to see a completely different side of her than anyone else on the island saw.

In moments like this she was his secret Kate, the one no-one else got to experience, and God how he loved her in moments like this. It felt so real and so powerful that sometimes he thought he would pass out from the sheer raw emotion of it.  
He felt her fingers pull down his zipper, and his thoughts were brought back to the physical, and he ground against her appreciatively, causing her smile to widen. She pulled down his trousers as far as she could reach, and he helped her with the rest, kicking them off unceremoniously. Turning his attention back to her, aware that he was now completely naked, whilst she was still mainly clothed. He reached for her own fly and she lifted her ass up so he could pull them off and toss them aside with his own, taking her panties with them. He looked up and noticed she had got rid of the bra in the same instance. The sight of her naked was always almost enough to undo him. He didn't think he had ever desired any one person so fully. By now, he knew every inch of her body by heart, but it seemed each time was a discovery and a shock; just to feel her surround him and sigh and moan beneath, on-top, in front, well anyway he could have her.

He reached down to caress between her legs, causing her to writhe and gasp under her touch, automatically making him grin. He pulled away and lowered himself until he was positioned in between her legs. He brought his mouth down to hers, pulling her into a further onslaught of his soft, slow kisses, whilst pushing himself inside her ever so slightly with teasing strokes, savoring the feel of her tightest point. He felt her hands dig into his back, knowing he was driving her crazy, knowing she wanted him to push in further. He slowly went fully inside her, until he filled her completely, and then drew out again in the same, agonizingly slow stroke. At first Kate desperately wanted him to increase his speed, wanted to feel him hammering inside her. But she quickly learnt to appreciate each stroke, appreciating the feel of him caressing that inner most spot so slowly, increasing the sensation. She let her eyes flutter shut and she felt every inch of her tighten around him, welcoming him into her. Neither was used to this gentle love making, but both found it incredibly stimulating, being able to appreciate each individual sensation. Kate found herself inching ever closer to her climax, feeling it build with each slow brush inside her, the tension of knowing that it could be the next stroke that would send her over the edge only increase her pleasure. Sawyer could feel her begin to tighten and contract around him, making a shudder run down his body, and he could feel himself dangerously close. Even thought their movements were slow, they were breathing raggedly with desire against each other, their faces only an inch apart. Kate felt that one final stroke send all the tension that had been building inside her over the edge and she let out a low moan, writhing underneath him as each individual stroke caused one orgasm after another, feeling far more intimate over that magic spot. Sawyer groaned as she tightened around him, and he felt himself come with her, with her name like a prayer upon his breath.

After they had both stopped shuddering, Sawyer gently pulled out of her and lay on his side beside her. She reached absently for her back pack, which luckily was lying nearby, and pulled out a blanket she had brought, and laid it over them, lying on her side to face him. They both lay with their heads propped on their arms, so their noses were almost touching. Kate let out a contented sigh as she felt her body relax. The angst and the pain were still there, but she couldn't really focus on them, not when he lay so nearby with the memory of what they had just done. She was grateful for his presence at that moment, so grateful that she had someone who made her feel happier than she ever dreamed was possible.

Sawyer reached over and rested his arm on her waist, noticing the smile that was playing on her lips. And for once he just said what he was thinking.

"I love you Freckles," he said, moving his hand so it gently brushed her cheek

Kate looked straight into his eyes, "I love you too James, so very much."

It healed something deep inside him to hear her use his real name and he pulled her closer to him, so her face was pressed against his chest, and she put her arm around him. He leaned his face against her hair, breathing in her scent, thinking that maybe, just maybe he could for the first time in almost thirty years, be James again.


	36. Chapter 36

Sawyer woke with a light blinding him. He opened his drowsy eyes to a squint and realized that he was lying on the beach, and that it was the light of the sun hurting his eyes. He leaned on one elbow, rubbing his eyes, gradually becoming aware of the feel of a soft body pressed up against his. He turned around to see Kate's sleeping form curled up behind him, one arm carelessly thrown over his waist. Her hair was half covering her face, the rest sprawled around her, her dark locks contrasting with the whiteness of the sand. Sawyer couldn't help but feel a smile form on his lips. He wondered if he would always feel like this. That waking up beside her would always be so thrilling, even years downs the road.

Sawyer frowned, realizing he had been thinking of their relationship in years. They didn't know what would happen one day to the next on this island; it was dangerous thinking like that. But he couldn't help it. He had known that being with Kate would be something permanent, something for keeps, something forever. The events of the previous night came flashing back upon him. Watching his letter turn to ashes was something that would always be etched into his memory. He suddenly realized that he having given up his revenge, given up his old life; all of a sudden wealth of possibilities were open to him, that he hadn't dared consider before. He was snapped out of his train of thought by Kate moving onto her back sighing, her eyes opening. When she fixed eyes on Sawyer she gave him a lazy smile, and Sawyer found himself responding automatically, all thoughts banished form his mind momentarily.

"Mornin' gorgeous," he said, leaning down to give her a good morning kiss.

Kate returned the kiss, feeling the last edges of sleep slip away. Sawyer pulled away, allowing Kate to look around at her surroundings. "Guess we never made it back to the tent huh," she said with a slight smile.

"I think we exhausted ourselves too much last night for that," Sawyer said, smiling wryly, knowing she knew he didn't just mean the sex.

Kate acknowledged this with a slight nod, "Do you feel any different?" she asked.

Sawyer thought for a moment, "My pocket feels lighter," he said, trying to make light of the situation, but knowing he had failed miserably when Kate gave him "The Look". He sighed and lay back down on his side, his head resting on his hand, "I dunno Freckles, I do feel different, every time I think of the letter, I realize its gone, that I can't go back to my routine of holding it and reading it; even though every word is in my head, I think of what I'm going to do now, who I'm gonna be now..." he frowned and rubbed his temples, and Kate noticed this and reached for his hand and took it in hers gently.

"It's alright, its going to take time, I know that."

"How do you feel?" Sawyer asked, the question feeling strange coming form his lips. He wasn't used to having such open conversations with anyone, and was pretty sure that Kate was, in fact, the only person it had ever happened with.

"The old feeling of guilt's still there," Kate replied, her voice tinted with bitterness, "But now I tell myself that there's no point dwelling on it, that there's nothing I can do to change what happened in the past, and it does help, because I'm slowly beginning to believe it."

Sawyer reached out for her and hugged her tightly to him. With her in his arms he did feel a measure of peace that wasn't there before. That truly she was now his reason for living, for waking up in the morning. Every time he thought of what had happened to him, his parents, the real Sawyer. He tried to banish them from his mind with thoughts of Kate, pictures of her in his mind, of everything they've been through together, and it did help. She intoxicated him, mind, body and soul.

He withdrew from her slightly so he could see her, "You think we should return to the beach?" she asked.

Sawyer sighed, "I guess we should get back," he replied, rolling onto his  
back and stretching. "Although, I don't know about you, but I'm covered in sand, especially in places it got no business in being, you care for a swim before we get back?" he said, turning his head and grinning at returned his grin and her eyes flicked to the seas nearby, she gave him a quick kiss, "Betcha I can beat you down there," she said, her eyes glowing with the idea of a challenge, and before he could reply she had got up and begun to run towards the sea. Sawyer laughed and took a moment to appreciate the view of a butt-naked Kate running, before getting up himself and chasing after her.

He caught up with her just as she reached the sea, the waves splashing against her legs, and he grabbed her around the waist, tickling her in punishment for running off before him. Kate giggled and squirmed, bending over; trying to loosen his grip around her, but all this achieved was Sawyer gaining the leverage, to throw her over his shoulder, with Kate's protesting screams echoing in his ears followed by the glorious sound of her laughter.

If anyone of their fellow castaways has happened to walk past at this moment, they would barely recognize their fellow survivors. Fun and hapiness, being carefree, not thinking of anything in the world but each others' company, not needing anything else, had transformed their faces. It made them both seem so young, so innocent, something neither of them was allowed to be for a very long, before it was cruelly snatched from their grasps, the disillusionment of adulthood coming years too early.

After exhausting themselves fully from the excursion into the sea, Kate and Sawyer returned to their make shift camp, pulled on their clothes reluctantly and began the walk back to the beach.

For most of the walk they stayed in companionable silence, hand in hand, exchanging the odd furtive glance or funny comment. Their frolicking in the sea had left them both in a good mood, despite the emotional trauma of the night before; they felt good as they began to see the familiar shape of their beach camp, the figures of people going about their daily routine.

As they got nearer, Kate stopped suddenly, forcing Sawyer to do the same.

Sawyer frowned at her, "What's up Freckles?" he asked.

Kate paused for a moment before answering, "I'm going to call you James from now on," she looked away, unable to meet his eyes for a moment. "I know that it feels strange and uncomfortable for you right now, but...I can't call you Sawyer, not anymore, not after we tried to leave behind, everything it represented last night. That name will always have special meaning to me because it was the name you used when I fell in love with you, but its time for you to leave that name behind now." She looked tentatively back up at him, "Do you understand?"

Sawyer could see the look of worry that was etched over her face, and he hated that it was because of him that she was feeling that way. He reached out for her and drew her into his arms, resting his cheek against the top of her head. "It's alright Freckles, I do understand, and it does feel strange and painful to hear it. I tried to banish that name from me for so long; I thought it was gone for good. So it will take a while for me to get used to hearing it again, but I know its something we have to do."  
Sawyer withdrew from her embrace slightly and looked down at her, and was rewarded with his favourite smile, the one that she gave him when he had pleased her or done something cute. Kate reached up and kissed him briefly. "Did I ever tell you how wonderful you are?" she said smiling.

Sawyer returned the smile and took her hand as they continued walking. He pretended to think for a moment, "Ya know Freckles, as crazy as it might sound, I don't think you have."

"Oh," Kate said before turning around and staring straight ahead, not being able to prevent a smile from forming on her lips. Sawyer just looked at her in expectation, grinning to himself when he realized the game she was playing.

"Ya know it's not nice to tease a man with compliments Freckles and not deliver," he said, giving her his most dazzling grin.

"I thought you liked my teasing?" Kate replied, her voice taking on a more sultry tone, that automatically made Sawyer think of pressing her against the nearest tree.

"Hmm, I think we might just have to test that theory of yours out back at the tent," Sawyer said, drawing her closer to him and planting a kiss on her lips.

They continued walking at a slightly quicker pace, each with visions in their own minds of just what was going to occur when they returned. As the got closer, they noticed everyone gradually forming a group in the middle of the beach, and they could hear the lull of excited voices. Kate and Sawyer looked at each other in puzzlement, and quickened their pace even further to see what the commotion was about. As they got to the camp they were passed by Charlie and Claire, who stopped and turned around to speak to them.

"Hey guys," Claire said with a smile, she was accompanied by Charlie holding Aaron. "You guys have a nice break away from camp?"

"Yeah, it was...nice," Kate said, not sure that there was a word to describe the rollercoaster they had both been on. "What's all the commotion about?"

But they both saw him standing in the midst of the majority of the group before Claire could reply, "Oh yeah, you can't have heard, Jack is back at beach."

Kate and Sawyer exchanged a look before turning back to the figure of Jack. They both knew things were about to get even more complicated.


	37. Chapter 37

Kate felt so many emotions play across her at the sight of him, that she  
didn't know which one to contemplate first; sadness, fear, relief,  
happiness. She knew she loved Sawyer, she had never been more certain of  
anything in her whole life, but the conflicting emotions she was feeling  
confused her. Jack had seemed alright when she had told him about her and  
Sawyer. He hadn't raged or screamed at her, hadn't told her he didn't want  
anything to do with her. Yes, he did judge her, judged her for being capable  
of loving a man like Sawyer, or his perception of Sawyer, but she had  
learned to expect that from Jack.

He looked much better than when she had seen him last. What she could see of  
the cuts had mainly healed, the bruises almost completely faded. In fact,  
he looked like he had had a month to heal, rather than a week or so, which  
did puzzle her for a second, but like everything on the island, you learned  
to just accept that, here, all kinds of unusual things happened.

Everyone was so pleased to see him; they were gathered around, all talking  
to him at once. Kate could see Hurley put his arm around him, and see Jack  
wince slightly and laugh; probably reminding him that he still wasn't  
completely healed. Kate felt a sudden fear in the pit of her stomach that  
the old animosity towards her and especially Sawyer would return. People had  
pretty much accepted the two of them as a couple, or at; least they didn't et openly hostile looks from the others. The people who knew what Sawyer  
had done for Jack; Locke, Sayid, Jin and Sun had always regarded the  
two of them on friendly terms ever since, despite Sawyer's best efforts to try  
and dissuade them. Although Kate had a sneaking suspicion that Sawyer had  
been trying less and less to push people away as time went by, almost as if  
he was getting used to people regarding him in a nice way, like he was  
getting used to the possibility that he might, one day, have friends. And  
Kate hoped so badly that Jack's return wasn't going to push him right back  
in the other direction.

Kate knew Jack's opinion of Sawyer. When they had first crashed, she had  
been ready to agree with him. But she, more than anyone else, had been able  
to see inside his facade, to see the cracks in his amour. There were times  
he was just laid bare in front of her, with their first kiss, the game of 'I  
Never.' No one else got to experience this side of him and that had made her  
feel special. She found herself feeling like this was a gift he was placing  
before her, the real him, testing how she would react to it. And she had let  
him down many times. She ran, she backed up Jack against him, and  
pushed him away.

But he did the same to her; he used her, just to show her that he could, to  
show her what he was capable of, as if she didn't already known. It hurt her  
more than she ever thought, the way he conned her into helping him get the  
guns. She was surprised at the depth of the betrayal she felt. She knew that  
was the moment she knew the extent of her feelings for him, because no one  
can hurt you like the one you love. It scared her so badly. That she could  
feel that depth of emotion for anyone. She thought she was closed off to  
that. A cold-hearted bitch. She had to be. You can't be on the run and get  
attached. With Jack it had been safe. There was so much that they disagreed  
on that she could never fall for him that hard. She admired him, wished that  
she could be good like him, that people would look at her with the respect  
that they did when they looked at him. It both attracted her to him and repelled her at the  
same time. Being with him was just another form of self-flagellation. A  
constant reminder of how she was just not good enough, how she would never  
be good enough for him. Yet he grew attracted to her too and for a while  
she thought that this meant she was a good person, that he saw something  
good in her and would nurture it and let her grow. But she quickly realized  
that this wasn't true. That to Jack, she was someone who needed to be fixed,  
someone who needed his help and guidance. He wanted to change her and the  
more he tried, the more it angered her, and the more frustrated she got at him.

Then came that night with Sawyer. It was supposed to been Hurley there that  
night and she wondered if they would have still ended up together if Sawyer  
hadn't been bored enough to do Hurley a favor. Would they still be playing  
their endless games with one another? The banter, the sexual tension, so real  
you could almost feel it as a force between them. Would she still be  
following Jack, feeling that she was unworthy of his attention?

She was so glad that night had happened. That one night that marked the  
beginning of something that would change her life forever. She couldn't  
remember ever feeling so free and easy with someone. Sawyer had his guard  
down for once, he was playful and amusing, showing her everything she loved  
about him, and she couldn't help but respond by letting her own down, laying  
herself before him in more ways that one.

It was inevitable. She should have known it really. Inevitable that she  
would find her way into his embrace somehow. Nothing else, no one else would  
ever feel right after him. They were like two halves of a whole, separated  
and thrown into a world full of cruelty and heartbreak. Their physical and  
emotional scars fresh for each other to see, because only he understood. He  
had always understood. Every since that first day where she has disarmed  
him, pretending that she didn't know how to dismantle a gun. He had known she  
was bluffing, she could see it by the smirk on his face. He had said he had  
met girls like her before. But she knew he was lying. She could feel it that  
day, like a physical force, his probing eyes, the way his breath increased;  
he was testing her shields, trying to work her out. He recognized something  
deep inside her that no one else had ever seen. She saw the momentary  
puzzlement in his eyes before he let go of his fierce grip on her arm. She  
remembered, with a slight blush, how being that close to him had instantly made  
her pulse speed up, her nipples harden. Made her instinctively wonder how it  
would feel if he pushed her roughly against the tree nearby. Never had she  
felt such a forceful physical attraction to anyone. It both frightened and  
intrigued her, made her treat him with even more disregard than she normally  
would have. Trying to push him away as much as she imagined he had been  
trying with her back then.

Sawyer was looking at Kate with a worried and puzzled expression on his  
face. She was staring at Jack and the group, a far away look in her eye, and  
Sawyer couldn't guess what she was thinking. He felt the old feelings of  
jealously and disappointment rise to the surface. The awful feeling in the  
pit of his stomach that he wasn't worthy of her. That even now, she might  
realize it. He found himself tearing his gaze away from her unresponsive face  
and over to where she was staring. As if he felt the weight of his stare,  
Jack instantly locked eyes with him and Sawyer could see the battle the man  
was fighting not to let the group see his bitter anger at seeing the two of  
them together. Sawyer couldn't help the trademark grin rise to his lips.  
Despite everything that had happened, knowing he had pissed of Jackass still  
managed to bring a smile to his lips. He knew he should be trying to stop  
the impulse. That he was trying to put his old grievances behind him. But  
Kate staring at Jack with that faraway look in her eyes made him want to  
rage against the world once again.

He turned away, back to Kate and slid his arm around her waist, instantly  
drawing Kate out of her thoughts. She looked at him as if she had forgotten  
he was there and smiled up at him. Seeing her smile at him managed to  
dislodge some of the painful thoughts that had been forming in his mind and he kissed her gently on the lips.

"You wanna catch up now, or leave him to his adoring public," Sawyer asked,  
his voiced laced with sarcasm.

Kate just rolled her eyes at his sarcasm, but couldn't keep a smile form on  
her lips. "Maybe it's a good idea if we see him later, once all the hype  
dies down," she said, her forehead creasing into a frown when she thought of how  
that conversation would go.

Sawyer noticed this and kissed her forehead, trying to ease out her frown.  
"Well then, sweetness, you feel like retuning to our humble abode? I sure can  
think of a few things I wanna do to you that will wipe all worries about  
jackass straight outta your mind."

Kate turned around, away from where she was facing the rest of the group  
until she was pressed up against the front of his body, everything else  
forgotten as the implications of his words flashed through her mind. She  
licked her lips and pressed them against his, softly at first, running her  
tongue against his bottom lip in a move she knew sent shivers down his  
spine. He moved his hands until they were tangled in her hair, pulling out  
the loose ponytail her hair was in the process. He pulled away from her  
with a grin that made parts of her body automatically wet.

"What did I do to deserve that Freckles?" he asked, "'Cos I'll be sure to do  
it again!"

She just smiled at him, her secret Kate smile, the one she reserved  
especially for him and led him to their tent. He may have many things he  
wanted to do to her, but she could think of plenty that she wanted to do to  
him right at this moment. As they reached the tent flap, Kate couldn't help  
steal one last furtive glance behind her. She saw it only for an instance,  
the pain in Jack's eyes had turned to a deep seated rage, and it scared her.  
Although she knew he was a good man, she recognized that look in his  
eyes. And she knew, no matter how much of a good person Jack might be, you can  
truly never know just what people are capable of.


	38. Chapter 38

Sawyer was lying on his back, with his head thrown back. Bits of his hair  
had stuck to his forehead, the sweat giving his whole body a gleam. He felt  
so swollen with desire that he thought he might go mad, but he couldn't help  
but love her delicious teasing. Although they had only been together a short  
time, they knew the secrets of each others bodies intimately, knew how to  
bring each other's favorite kind of pleasure, and knew how to tease them  
mercilessly. The light from the gap above the door flap of their tent cast  
patterns of shadow across Kate's back as she worked her magic between  
Sawyer's legs. He raised his head up enough to look at her. Her eyes were  
closed, absorbed in every aspect of her task, savoring how he felt inside  
her mouth, against her tongue. She loved the feel of him inside her in every  
way. So soft and smooth, the gentle ridge, the swollen head with its sweet  
and musky taste. Sawyer's head fell back against the pillow, and he couldn't  
help a groan escape his lips. They tried so hard to be quiet, especially  
during the day, but she was making it incredibly difficult for him to  
suppress his moans. Kate suddenly changed position, releasing him from her  
mouth to run her tongue up the length of him in hard slow strokes. Sawyer  
writhed underneath her, his whole body aching with need. He couldn't  
remember the last time he was so turned on, the last time he was so hard  
that it was almost painful.

"Oh Freckles, you are gonna drive me seriously fucking insane if you keep  
this up," he managed to say, in between the stifled groans. Kate didn't  
reply, she just rolled her mouth back onto him again, sucking so hard at his  
sensitive tip that he could feel his release build instantly. His fists clenched with frustration as she withdrew, grinning up at him with flushed  
cheeks and a twinkle in her eye. He groaned in frustration as she began to  
run her tongue lightly over his balls.

"What are you trying to do to me?" he muttered, every muscle in his body  
feeling tense with the need for release.

Kate looked up at him, the grin gone, replaced with a dark and uninhibited  
sexuality that filled her eyes. "I want you to beg for it, I want you so be  
so hot and hard that you would do anything, say anything, so you can have  
the release only I can give you." Sawyer almost came right there just with  
the way she purred those dirty words out. She wasn't touching him now, but  
he could feel her hot breath against him, and he found himself bucking his  
hips towards her, desperate for the feel of her mouth on him. Kate shot him  
a seductive smile at this, loving how much she could turn him on, enjoying  
the change of status that was usually present when they had sexual  
encounters.

Sawyer was no longer thinking clearly, all he could concentrate on was the  
desire that was coursing through his veins, while in a usual situation he  
would have smirked at her and flipped her onto her back, seizing back the  
control, he couldn't help but be completely turned on by her demand. He  
could feel Kate tracing light kisses across the length of him, not taking  
that final step that he so craved until he asked for it.

"Make me come Kate, please make me come. I need to feel your mouth on me so  
badly," he uttered as he locked eyes with her. Kate gave him a final dirty  
grin then lowered her mouth once again, sucking with hard, fast strokes,  
teasing his balls with her fingers. Sawyer couldn't help but let out a  
satisfied groan as she began, no longer caring who could hear him. He came  
so suddenly that the force of it surprised him. All of a sudden he was riding  
a wave of such intense pleasure that he thought he would come apart, all the  
teasing only causing it to be so much more intense.

Sawyer sighed with contentment as the orgasm subsided, his eyes fluttering  
shut and a delicious calm settling over his limbs. When he opened his eyes  
again Kate was lying on her side beside him, smiling down at him.

"I think I like hearing you beg," she said, running her hand lightly down  
his chest.

"And I think I like hearing you talk dirty Freckles," Sawyer replied,  
beginning to come back to himself.

"If you think that was dirty, then you are gonna love what I say when you do  
that to me," Kate retorted, her dirty grin back on her face.

Sawyer flashed her his dimples, "Oh, that's your game is it," he said  
smiling as he flipped her onto her back.

***

Jack had noticed Kate and Sawyer as soon as they returned to the beach. He  
had deliberately looked out for them when he arrived, and had been  
disappointed when they didn't seem to be around. He had no idea if they were  
still together or not. Part of him thought that he would probably have hurt  
her by now, that they had had a row and weren't speaking. That man didn't  
know how to treat anyone normally, and someone as fiery as Kate wasn't going  
to last long with someone like him. He had deliberately not asked anyone who  
had come and gone from the hatch about the status of their relationship,  
and everyone had been very careful to avoid the subject in his presence. So  
when he had seen them walk up, hand in hand, with contented smiles on their  
faces, he experienced an anger build up inside him that didn't know existed.  
How can they still be together and happy? He had given them a week before he  
thought Kate would come crying back to him, realizing she had made a  
mistake, but she hadn't even come to visit him, hadn't even come to see how  
he was doing since she had told him about her and Sawyer.

Sawyer. The very name filled him with rage. Ever since they crashed he had  
made things so much harder with his constant back chat, his snarky remarks,  
the way he undermined him at every opportunity. He never did anything for  
anyone, was only out for himself, everyone knew it. So why did everyone look  
at the couple with friendly expressions when they returned to the beach? Jin  
and Sun, Claire and Charlie, Sayid and Locke had all given some kind of  
recognition to them that he wouldn't have done before. He wasn't aware of  
any event that had happened, why would they now be friendly towards him?  
Part of him liked that Sawyer was the outsider; the one everyone thought was  
a parasite. No matter how many times he went against him, people always  
sided with Jack, and Sawyer was always left on the outskirts. What had  
Sawyer done to change their minds? Was he now the hero, did the group not  
need him anymore, had they replaced him? 'Don't be stupid,' he thought to  
himself, 'that can't have happened that man isn't capable of it. He must be  
bribing them somehow, using his stash to manipulate things as usual.' The  
thought made Jack feel a bit better, and he was able to attempt to put the  
two of them to the back of his mind as he chatted to the group who had come  
up to greet him.

Eventually people dispersed, going back to their usual activities, Jack  
chatted to Claire and Aaron for a while, just giving Aaron a quick check-up  
as he had been unable to while he had been restrained to the hatch. He really  
admired the way Claire was coping with everything. He knew she had Charlie,  
but to have such a young baby on a desert island, and with everything with  
the others...it took some courage to deal with it all.

Jack said his goodbyes to the three of them, and feeling in a better mood  
after doing something that made him feel in control again, he thought he would go and say hello to Kate and Sawyer, to be the bigger man, and show  
the group that he wasn't upset about the two of them by making the first  
gesture in front of them. As he walked towards their tent he could hear soft  
moans. At first he told himself that it was just the sound of talking, but  
as he got closer the sound was unmistakable. The old anger came flooding  
back once more, all thoughts of reconciliation gone from his mind. He was  
about to walk away, not wanting to be subject to the sound of Kate's soft  
moans of pleasure, when a tirade of words rooted him to the spot, so soft  
that you had to be standing that near to the tent to hear the,

"Oh yes, oh baby, I love the way you fuck me with your fingers, you make me  
so wet and it feels so fucking good."

"Do you like it when I do this?"

"Oh God yes, I love the way you caress me with your mouth, oh baby, you're  
so good, I'm so close..."

Jack walked away as fast as he could, the words he just heard ringing in his  
ears. So many feelings he wouldn't admit to himself were flooding through  
his mind. How it had turned him on hearing such brazen language, how no  
woman had never spoken to him like that, how he had never thought that Kate  
would be capable of it. It made him question everything he had experienced  
with her, everything he thought he knew about her, the idea of her he had  
built up in her mind. He wasn't used to feeling jealous. He had never been a  
great chaser of women, yet he had always found them accessible to him if he  
wanted. He was a doctor after all, and a successful one. To lose Kate to  
someone like Sawyer...it shook his sense of self. He had assumed that  
whatever connection Kate thought she had with Sawyer was something she had  
to explore to realize what a piece of work he was. But based on what he just  
heard, she was happy with him, more than happy. He had never glimpsed that  
side of Kate. What he had just heard gave him a glimpse into the unknown,  
something that he was unsure about, and Jack wasn't used to be unsure about  
anything.

***

Kate was lying with her head on Sawyer's chest, her eyes closed, listening to the beat of his heart.

"I love you, you know," Kate said dreamily, still basking in the after glow of what they had just done.

Sawyer was glad Kate couldn't see the soppy grin that spread across his face as she said it, "Say it again." He didn't think he would ever get tierd of hearing her say it.

"I love you James."  
"I love you too Freckles," he replied, kissing the top of her head. Kate smiled and snuggled closer to him.

They lay like that for a couple of minutes, enjoying the contented silence that existed between them. Kate was the one to break it.

"I think I'm going to have to go speak to Jack." She could feel Sawyer tense up at the mention of his name, but then relax and sigh.

"Okay."

Kate lifted her head up to look at him. "You don't mind?"

"I know we can't avoid him forever, and I know that you have to talk to him, that you want to see how he's doing. Guess I just got used to having you all to myself," he said with a hint of sadness coming into his voice.

Kate kissed him gently, "You do still have me to yourself. Having Jack back doesn't change anything between us, but like you said, I need to see how he is, and also how he is going to be with us. He took it well when I told him about us, but that doesn't mean that having over a week to think about it hasn't changed his mind."

Sawyer nodded and kissed her back, "I do understand Freckles, doesn't mean I like it though," he said.

Kate just smiled at him and began to pull her clothes back on. She was dreading this conversation. The look she had seen in Jack's eyes before she entered the tent, it had chilled her. She just hoped that he had been able to move on, and that he wouldn't hold it against her. With a final wave at Sawyer, she left the tent.


	39. Chapter 39

Jack was standing by the water container they had rigged up, filling up a  
few bottles, he figured he'd stock up then go back to the hatch, he needed  
some time away from the beach to try and sort his head out, as he still  
couldn't get what he had heard out of his head. Kate's whispered moans and  
words spun around in his head with startling clarity, and the more he  
thought about it, the angrier it made him. Jack hated being angry, it made  
him feel out of control of a situation, and Jack hated to not be in control.

"Jack." A voice called, the same voice he had heard saying those words. Jack  
spun around and saw Kate standing behind him. It hit him suddenly how  
beautiful she looked. He had always been attracted to Kate; her simple  
beauty was the kind he usually went for in the real world. But this Kate  
looked different to him. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair left wild and  
untamed down her back, rather than constricted to the usual matter-of-face  
ponytail or bun. Even though he could tell that she seemed uncomfortable,  
she just gave off an air of happiness. She seemed more in touch with  
herself, more comfortable in her own skin. She didn't seem like she needed  
fixing anymore. And that made him angrier than anything. He didn't recognize  
the woman standing in front of him. He tried to think what had made her this  
way. His mind couldn't comprehend that it was Sawyer who had evoked this  
change in her, wouldn't let him believe this. Jack had always thought that  
he would be the one to fix her. That he could make her hurt go away and make  
her into a better person. But Kate wasn't broken anymore.

Kate was growing more and more uneasy with each moment that went by. Jack  
was staring at her as if he had never seem her before, and she thought for  
a moment that maybe something worse had happened to him than his physical  
injuries, had the cloud of smoke damaged him in some other way. She tried to  
ignore the hint of mania she could see in his eyes. This was Jack. She could  
depend on Jack. He was her friend, he was stable.

"Hello Kate," Jack managed to say, telling himself he couldn't just stand  
here and stare at her all day.

"How are you feeling? You look good," Kate replied, hoping that a  
conversation might make him snap out of whatever trance he seemed to be in.

"I'm alright, my collarbone is still giving me some pain, but the cuts are  
pretty much healed," Jack continued, but feeling strangely detached from the  
situation, as if his body was automatically instigating polite conversation, ven though all he could think about, all he could picture was Kate and  
Sawyer, together in his tent, repeating those words over and over again.

"You didn't come and see me," Jack murmured, as if he was thinking out  
loud.

"What?" Kate replied, not able to make out what he said.

"You didn't come and see me, in the hatch. When I last saw you; you said you  
would visit," Jack said, snapping out of his trance all of a sudden, trying  
to push the visions in his mind away.

Kate didn't know what to say. She had been concerned about Jack, but she had  
gone through so much in the last week, been wrapped up in her own world with  
Sawyer that nothing else seemed to matter. "I'm sorry Jack, I..."

"It was him wasn't it, he stopped you coming to see me," Jack said quickly,  
not wanting to hear what she had to say.

Kate frowned, having a horrible feeling that she knew what direction this  
conversation was going in. "No, Jack. He didn't stop me coming to see you.  
I've been busy, we've..."

"Yes, I'm sure you've both been very busy, and I can imagine just what  
you've been doing. It's not like he has anything else to offer after all,"  
Jack replied, cutting her off once more, anger creeping into his voice with  
each individual word. He hated that he couldn't blame Sawyer for the  
situation. That she hadn't come to see him because she'd been to busy doing  
things he couldn't even comprehend with Sawyer in his tent to come and check  
how he was.

Kate was confused for a moment as to what he was referring too. Then it hit  
her, and she could feel an anger to match his growing. How dare he assume  
anything about their relationship. "I am sorry I didn't come and see you, I  
thought it was for the best, thought you needed space to get used to me and  
Sawyer being together." Kate took a step forward, anger creeping into her  
voice. "But you have no idea what I've been through this last week, the step  
forward I have taken, so don't you dare assume that you know anything about  
our relationship, because you have no idea."

Jack laughed bitterly, "Relationship, is that what you think you two have?  
Because last time I checked Kate, a relationship involved more than just  
sex," he said, spitting out the last word.

Kate was too shocked for a moment to say anything. Where was all this coming  
from?

"How can you let him touch you Kate? How can you bear it? That man only wants you for one thing; he's been all over you since we crashed here. What  
did he finally say to convince you he actually felt something for you? I  
thought you were smarter than that Kate."

Kate laughed, "Is this what this is all about, you think he's using me for  
sex? You want to protect my honor." She shook her head in disbelief. "Now  
listen hard Jack, because this is the last time I am having this  
conversation with you." She took another step forward, so she wouldn't have  
to shout at him, even though the need was growing stronger, neither had  
realized that they were beginning to attract the attention of the other  
castaways.

"I love Sawyer. You don't know him, you don't understand him and you have no  
idea of what he is capable of." She wanted so desperately in that moment to  
tell Jack that it had been Sawyer who had saved his life, but she cared more  
about staying true to Sawyer's wishes, than getting one up on Jack, so she  
managed with great difficulty to keep quiet. "And not that it's any of your  
business, but I like it when he touches me, I love what he does to me, and  
you know what, he loves what I do to him too." She gave him a wicked smile  
as she said this. "I hoped that we could stay friends Jack, but I see now  
that it's not going to be possible, and that's down to you, not me and not  
Sawyer. You know, I used to admire you, to want your approval in everything  
I did. I thought that you could help me become a better person. But I was  
wrong. You are the one who needs help, you're the one needs fixing not me."  
She paused for a moment, waiting for him to reply. But he was silent. She  
shook her head and turned to walk away.

All through Kate's speech Jack had felt a rage build inside him that was  
unlike any that he had ever known. How dare Kate tell him that he needed  
help, that he was the one who needed fixing. After everything he had done  
for her, after he had stuck up for her, helped her achieve a good standing  
within the group, even after everyone knew her secret. But what hurt him  
more than anything is that she was happy. He had seen it before she had even  
opened her mouth, and her words only served to confirm this. Jack couldn't  
understand how this was possible. How could she genuinely choose someone  
like Sawyer over him? He was a good person, a doctor, he always helped others  
and got nothing in return. Does that mean nothing to her? If she's not with  
him for sex that why is she? What can he offer her that I can't?

In the back of his mind Jack had always been jealous of Sawyer, but he rarely  
admitted it to himself. Jack had worked so hard all his life, been ladened  
with so much responsibility at such a young age. Having to cover for his  
father, to be the one to pick up the pieces. He never got the chance to be a  
teenager, to be lazy, to rebel. And people liked Sawyer, he was charming  
even if he was insulting. Had an air about him that attracted people despite  
themselves. Jack always had to give something, to do something to gain  
friends. He thought of Sawyer as the school bully, the one who got all the  
girls. He could just imagine the kind of person he would have been in high school. Not a care in the world, smoking behind the gym, walking around  
with his cocky swagger like he owned the place. Jack had never been able to  
do that. And now he had taken the girl, had taken Kate from him. She had  
disappointed him just like the rest, fallen for whatever line he had fed her. She was  
pathetic.

"I knew you were a criminal Kate, I just never knew you were a whore." Jack  
shouted after her.

Silence fell over the camp. The group had realized something was going on  
between the two, but they hadn't been close enough to hear before. And to  
hear something like that come out of Jack's mouth had shocked them. This was  
a side to Jack they had never seen before, and no one knew what was going to  
happen next. They all looked to Kate, waiting to see how she would react.


	40. Chapter 40

After Kate had left him to go speak to Jack, Sawyer had remained sprawled on he bed for several moments, trying to get his head around the new feelings  
he was experiencing around Kate. Contentment, that was the word for it. He  
barely remembered what it felt like. When he was with her he felt like he  
had a home, had someone to go to, someone he could count on. He didn't think  
she had any idea how much she had done for him. He knew he would spend every  
waking moment trying to return the favor. He would do anything for her.

He thought to the conversation Kate must be having with Jack, and he hoped  
it was going well, for Kate's sake as much as his. He knew that if the Doc  
decided to show his public disapproval of the two of them then many of their  
fellow survivors might choose to follow his example, and he worried how this  
would affect Kate. Part him did feel bad for the Jack though. He disliked  
the man with vengeance, but he knew that on some level he had cared for Kate,  
and it can't be easy for him dealing with the rejection.

Sick of pondering over the situation, Sawyer decided he'd take a peek  
outside to see if he could tell how it was going. He quickly put his jeans  
on and a shirt, absently buttoning it as he left the tent. He stopped in his  
tracks though the moment he heard Jack's voice ring clearly over the beach "I  
knew you were a criminal Kate, I just never knew you were a whore."

Sawyer hands instantly clenched into fists, rage filling every inch of him.  
Especially when he saw the look of pain evident on Kate's face. 'How dare he  
fucking speak to her like that,' Sawyer thought as he watched Kate take a  
deep breath and continue walking towards their tent. This only made Sawyer  
angrier, that Kate had chosen to ignore his comment.

Kate hadn't noticed Sawyer standing there until she had taken several steps  
closer to their tent. Jack's words had hurt somewhere deep inside of her, to  
have him throw her past back in her face, as well as his other comment...it  
was the kind of hurt she didn't think Jack was capable of. For a moment she  
had contemplated storming back and punching him in the face, but she didn't  
think she couldn't bear to even look at him in that moment. All she wanted to  
do was get back into the sanctuary of their tent and forget the whole  
conversation in Sawyer's arms. She knew all hopes of that were out the  
window the second she laid eyes on him. Kate knew that Sawyer was a fiery  
person, prone to fits of anger and passion almost in the same instant, and  
she had seen him in his share of rages. But she didn't think she'd ever  
seen such a clear look of pure outrage on his face before. His fists  
clenched so tightly that he must be hurting himself. The way he set his jaw  
when you knew he meant business. She could see him contemplate something for  
a moment, before stalking towards her, and Jack, and she knew that finally  
Jack had crossed the line with Sawyer.

As Sawyer passed Kate, he wanted to wrap his arms around her, to make sure  
that she had completely ignored Jackass's comment, but he knew he would get  
side tracked form his long overdue conversation with the good Doctor. So he  
gave her a knowing look as he passed, hoping that she realized what he was doing. He could see the apprehension on her face, but nothing to suggest she  
was upset by his actions so he continued; glad that they could read each  
other with a single look.

Voices had started murmuring around the gathered crowd. They were all still  
taken aback by Jack's words, thinking that maybe they should give the three  
of them some privacy, but also wanting to see just what would happen. Sayid,  
Locke and a few others were standing slightly nearer the group, ready to  
intervene if things got to ugly, all knowing what was probably going to  
happen, and most of them thinking that Jack might just deserve it, but  
realizing that he has just got over almost fatal injuries.

"What the hell is your problem Jackass?" Sawyer said as he approached Jack.

Jack just glared at him, but stood his ground. "This is none of your  
business Sawyer, it's between me and Kate."

"Oh, is it now?" Sawyer replied, sarcastically. "Then maybe you should have  
kept your damn voice down when you called my girlfriend a whore!"

Jack didn't reply, but Sawyer could see that he was feeling uncomfortable  
with what he had said. Not that it made any difference. The trouble with  
words is once they're out there you can't take them back.

"So, I'll ask you again, Jack. Just what is your problem? 'Cos I think it's  
probably a good idea we get all this out in the open, seeing as you saw it  
fit to gain yourself a little crowd," he said, raising his voice to make  
sure everyone could hear him. A few people shifted uncomfortably, but no one  
moved. Sawyer stared at Jack, daring him to reply. But when he didn't  
Sawyer continued. "'Cos as far as I'm concerned you got one of two problems.  
Either you banged your head way too hard when that smoke in the jungle got  
you, or you're jealous," sawyer said, with a slight smile. "You're the  
Doctor, you tell me?"

Jack gritted his teeth, "How could I ever be jealous of you Sawyer."

Sawyer flashed him a cocky grin, and took a step closer, "Because she chose  
me. And you can't handle it can you? That you're inadequate. That despite  
your "good" intentions she chose someone like me over someone like you."  
Jack looked away, his fists beginning to clench. Sawyer took another step  
closer to Jack so he was right up in his face. "Ya know, it was men like you  
that made my job so easy. You wouldn't know the first thing about how to  
treat a woman right. Bet you had your share of women leave you, didn't you  
Jack?" Sawyer taunted.

Sawyer saw the rage build up in Jack's eyes before he felt the fist connect  
with his face so hard that it smacked his head against the water bucket  
nearby. "James!" Kate called out, and ran over to him to see if he was alright.

The group let out a collective gasp as they watched Jack hit Sawyer in the  
face, and both Sayid and Locke had run over to step in between Sawyer and  
Jack, both noticing that Jack was shaking with rage.

Sawyer was momentarily dazed as his head hit the wood bucket. He could hear Kate  
call his name, and then feel her help him up, look at his face and ask if he  
was alright. Sawyer shook his head, trying to clear it and took a step back  
towards Jack, spitting blood at his feet. He could feel a lump forming on  
the side of his forehead where he connected with the water bucket. He took  
another step forward and the world started to tilt, and he could feel  
himself fall to his knees. He blinked slowly, wondering why he was feeling  
so bad and the last thing he remembered before he passed out was thinking  
that Jack better not have knocked him out with one punch.

Kate caught Sawyer in her arms as he fell backwards from his kneeling  
position. "James," she shook him, "James, are you okay? Wake up!" She shook  
him harder. Sayid came over a kneeled beside her, checking Sawyer over.

"He'll be alright, Kate. He just banged his head. He'll wake up soon," Sayid  
reassured her, placing one hand on her arm. Kate looked at him gratefully  
before her turning her gaze to Jack and laying Sawyer gently down on the  
ground and standing up to face him.

She stalked over to him, gaining momentum with each step, letting all the  
little things Jack had done to her rise up in her mind since they had  
crashed. The put-downs, the patronizing, and all the times he had made her feel  
less than worthy. And then their conversation today; and what he had done to  
Sawyer.

Jack looked at Kate and then at Sawyer, his doctor's instinct taking over,  
regret nagging at him for what he had done, as he began to realize the  
implications of the situation his anger had got him in.

"Kate, I'm..."

Jack never got to finish his sentence because as Kate approached him she  
made a fist and hit him as hard as she could in the face.

She had taken Jack completely by surprise, and he staggered back with the  
force of her punch, looking at her in shock. Before he could recover, Kate  
brought her elbow up and hit him again, this time making him fall to his  
knees.

Sayid took a step in front of her, "That's enough Kate," he said, looking at  
her with no disapproval at what she had done, but knowing in the back of his mind that Jack was already injured, he felt he should stop her doing anymore  
damage. Kate just nodded at him and he stepped back slightly.

Jack remained kneeling, still reeling from the fact that Kate had hit him.

"You have no idea of what Sawyer is capable of Jack. And I swear to God that  
this is the last time you will put him down." Kate said, her voice firm. She  
took a deep breath." If it wasn't for him, you would be dead right now." Kate  
could hear the murmur of the group around her as she said this, all  
wondering what she meant. Jack was just staring at her in complete  
disbelief, realization slowly dawning upon him like another smack in the  
face.

Kate looked at him and smiled cruelly. "Yeah, that's right Jack, it was  
Sawyer who carried your body back to the hatch, Sawyer who cleaned your cuts  
and sewed you up," Kate's voice was getting louder and louder with each  
word, enjoying the effect that this was having on Jack. "And it was Sawyer  
who donated his blood to you... Sawyer who risked his own life by letting  
untrained hands rig up a makeshift device. He didn't want anyone to tell  
you; because unlike you, Jack, he doesn't feel the need to have everyone  
around him think he's a hero, to have everyone's approval." She bent down  
slightly so her face was only inches from his. And you know why he did it  
Jack? He did it for me, because he loves me, because he knew that I couldn't  
bear to loose another friend." She stood back up and looked down at him in  
disgust. "But based on your actions today, I beginning to wonder why he  
bothered." She took one final look at him before turning away and walking  
towards Sawyer. Sayid and Jin went to help her and they carefully carried  
him into their tent.

Jack remained kneeling there, vaguely aware of the voices of the group as  
they slowly walked away; back to their own business. Not one of them came  
over to ask if he was alright. They just left him there alone with his  
shame.


	41. Chapter 41

Kate sat by their bed pensively watching Sawyer. It had been ten minutes since she had hit Jack, and Sawyer still hadn't woke up. She knew Sayid had told her that he was fine, that it was just a nasty bump on the head. But it didn't stop her worrying. Sitting by his bedside reminded her of when she sat with him all night after he had returned, watching his shaking, feverish body for any signs that he was going to be okay, and any sign of that glorious grin of his, the slightest sound of his beautiful southern drawl.

She had said goodbye to him in her heart the day he sailed away. Part of her ached for him so badly, but she realized that she would probably never see him again. That even if he was successful and didn't die that the authorities would take her away before she had a chance to say everything that had laid unspoken between them. Then she had seen him slung over Mr. Eko's shoulder, and the first thing that she felt before the cocktail of emotions washed over her, was relief. A relief so powerful that it made her knees feel weak.

She had known that she had feelings for him, feelings that she had been  
trying to ignore, and when he left on the raft she could almost convince  
herself that it was for the best, that is was a good thing she had never had the chance to open up to him. But she knew that was just denial speaking the moment she had seen him again. She had known in that instant that she did love him, was finally able to admit it to part of herself, because the sight of him, even half-dead with a bullet hole in his shoulder helped fill a part of her that she had long thought extinct.

Kate was woken from her reverie with a gravelly voice saying, "Please tell me Jack didn't knock me out with one punch?"

Kate looked down at her southern lover and let a smile break out on her  
face, much like the one she imagined she must have been wearing when she had heard Sawyer utter those words that were still precious to her "that's just about the sweetest thing I ever heard."  
"Well Tex, he did hit you pretty hard, but I'm pleased to tell you that it  
was the water tub that knocked you out, not Jack," her smile fell slightly,  
"Although he almost got knocked out himself."

Sawyer looked at her with a puzzled expression, and pushed himself up into a sitting position, even though his head was throbbing. He shut his eyes momentarily waiting for the throbbing to die down. "What'cha talking about Freckles," he asked, rubbing his temples.

Kate looked down for a moment before looking into his eyes, "I hit Jack,  
three times."

Sawyer looked at her for a moment then burst into laughter, "You being  
serious Freckles, you actually hit the mighty Jack-O?"

"It's not that funny Tex," Kate said wryly.

"Sure it is baby, I'm just sorry I wasn't around to see it."

Kate took a deep breath, preparing herself for something she had  
deliberately not thought about too much. The fact that she had betrayed  
Sawyer's trust, that she had told Jack and everyone there that Sawyer had saved Jack's life. And she had no idea how he was going to take it.

"Don't you dare feel guilty about hitting him Freckles; the asshole had it  
coming to him after what he said to you. Would have done it myself if I  
hadn't blacked out," Sawyer said, noticing the look on Kate's face.

Kate looked up at him, "It's not that, you're right, he did deserve it, it's  
just..." she took a deep breath, "I'm so sorry Tex, I told Jack it was you  
who saved his life." She looked at Sawyer, waiting to see how he would take this news. She saw his brow crease into a frown, not necessarily one of anger, but like he was thinking hard. "It just slipped out," Kate continued, "I was so angry about what he said to me, then seeing him hit you, all the things he said to you. I'm sick of him putting you down, and I know it might not matter to you, I know you don't care how anyone perceives you. But I care, I Love you James, and I can't just sit by and listen to him insult and look down on you anymore. So if you want to be pissed at me, fine. But know that I would do it again. People should know that you're a good man James, no matter how much you want to deny it."

The first emotion Sawyer had felt was anger. He was angry that she had told Jack, angry that she had promised she wouldn't and did anyway. He felt his jaw clench as he desperately tried to keep his mouth shut, knowing it would cause nothing but trouble as he listened to Kate's speech. By the end of it some of the anger had gone. He was still annoyed, but he understood why she had done it. Hell, part of him wished he had been around to see the look of the good doctor's face. But already he was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of the whole group knowing, He'd just gotten used to friendliness from Sayid, Locke, Sun and Jin. Let alone the whole group looking at him in the  
same way. He certainly wasn't no hero. One good deed doesn't make up for almost a life time of theft by seduction, let alone murder.

He looked up at Kate who was looking at him with a mix of sadness and  
defiance. God how he loved her. That even when she's trying to apologize she still believes and defends her actions. He leaned over and puts his hand against her cheek pulling her to him, and crushed his lips against hers hungrily. He hoped she knew that defiant Kate really turned him on.

When he eventually pulled away, their lips were swollen from the urgency of their kiss and Kate's cheeks were flushed.

Kate grinned at him, "I take this to mean you forgive me then?" Kate said with a grin.

"Hell baby I was pissed as hell until you started getting all defiant on  
me, did I ever tell you that really turns me on?" He replied with a grin to  
match her own.

"Tex, I'm pretty certain everything I do turns you on," Kate said wryly.

"Well it's your own fault for being so god damned beautiful," Sawyer  
retorted, brushing his lips over hers gently this time. When he pulled away he was rewarded by the look in Kate's eyes. He knew she was still  
uncomfortable with compliments on her appearance. She was always the tomboy, felt like she was the unattractive one. Sawyer was slowly stripping away this opinion she had of herself, and he loved it when he could see her beginning to believe it herself.

"I am sorry though," Kate said, her voice more serious now.

"Don't worry about it Freckles, after what that son-of-a-bitch said to  
you...." Sawyer's voice trailed away, as he realized that there was a long  
over due conversation to be had with Doctor Jackass.

"That reminds me," Sawyer said, getting to his feet, "There's a little talk  
I've got to have with Doctor Giggles."

Kate frowned and stood up next to him, "Are you sure that's a good idea? Don't you think it would be better to let things calm down for a bit? You should rest anyway; you got a nasty bump on the head?"

"Stop worrying Freckles, it'll be fine. But this is one conversation I gotta  
have with him now. And don't worry, I'm sure we can try and communicate without our fists," he said grinning at her, "Hell, by the sounds of it you've hit him enough for the two of us today."

Kate sighed, "I don't see what good it will do, but good luck. I never would have thought that he would say something like that to me, that I would give him any reason too..."

Sawyer pulled her to him and hugged her to his chest. "You ain't done nothin' to deserve what he said to you baby, and don't you doubt that for a second. Something just got messed up in his head; no one could ever think that about you and mean it."

Kate pulled away and smiled up at him, "I love you James," she said quietly. Sawyer grinned at her and planted a quick kiss on her lips.

"Love you too Freckles," he said against her lips and then drew away,  
walking out the tent, flashing her one final grin before he walked out.

Sawyer scanned the beach for any signs of Jack, trying to ignore the looks he was getting from passers by. He would deal with them and whatever view they now had of him later. He spotted Sayid standing at his workshop, or  
what everyone considered as his make shift workshop and he strolled over there.

"You seen Jackass anywhere?" Sawyer asked as he approached him.

Sayid turned at the sound of Sawyer's voice. "Glad to see you up and about again," he replied.

"Yeah, getting knocked out's a bitch," Sawyer said absently, "So you seen the Doc or not?"

"I saw him head down the beach in that direction," Sayid said, pointing the way, "Just after it all happened. Everyone left him alone." Sayid paused for a moment. "I know it may be tempting to punish him for what he said to her and you, and I wouldn't say he didn't deserve it. But he's still not recovered and Kate's hit him pretty badly already..."

Sawyer rolled his eyes, "Why does everyone think I'm gonna smack him?" Sawyer said, "And you're right, I think Kate covered that area already," Sawyer grinned, "Wish I could'a seen it."

Sayid smiled back, "She can certainly throw a punch."

"Yeah, me and my jaw have been made aware of that many times," Sawyer said wryly. "Anyway, I'd better get going. See ya Abdul," Sawyer said as he walked away, turning round and grinning at Sayid as he said that nickname. Sayid just rolled his eyes, but a smile was playing on his lips.

Sawyer walked along the beach, looking for any signs of Jack. As he went around a bend he saw him sitting by himself staring out to sea a few hundred yards away.

"Sucks don't it?" Sawyer said as he approached him.

Jack hadn't heard him approach as he had been lost in his own thoughts, but Sawyer words hadn't startled him. He had had a feeling Sawyer would seek him out once he woke up.

Jack turned his head to look at Sawyer not sure where he was going with his comment but sure that he would get the answer.

Sawyer rolled his eyes, "Being the Outcast," he said as he sat down next to Jack.

He surveyed the damage to the man's face. His left eye looked swollen and was bound to turn black and he had a nasty cut on the side of his lip. There was blood on his face that he obviously hadn't bothered to wipe off.

Jack just sighed at his comment, he was right. "What do you want Sawyer?" Jack asked quietly.

Sawyer smiled for a moment, Jack words reminding him of the time Kate had spoken those same words to him which felt like so long ago. "Doc, I got so many answers to that question I don't know where to start," Sawyer said, "Oh, wait a tic, yeah I do. How about you apologize to Kate. 'Cos right now she's probably sitting in our tent trying to work out why you of all people would say something that damaging to her, blaming herself, thinking it's something she must have done wrong. And there is no way in hell I'm gonna let her go around thinking that. I don't know why you are so important to her, why she cares so much about your opinion of her. All I know that she does and I won't have you treat her that way. And I swear to God Jack you even think about speaking to her like that again, I'll kill you. And I'm pretty sure you know I fucking well mean it."

Sawyer looked at the man beside him, waiting for him to reply. They were silent for a moment before Jack spoke. "I heard you earlier, you and Kate as I walked by your tent. I was going to speak to her, try and clear the air," Jack paused for a moment, waiting to see if Sawyer knew what he was talking about. Sawyer thought for a moment then realization dawned upon him. Jack realized this and continued, "I couldn't handle what I heard, hearing Kate speak like that. I've had to put up with the little smiles she has always given you, the little smiles she thinks no one else can see. She's different in those moments and I can't get near. I always thought it would pass, that her interest in you was a passing fascination; I wouldn't let myself consider that what I was seeing in these moments was the real Kate, the one I don't see. When she's with me she's a mixture of what I want her to be and a mixture of what she thinks I want her to be. That's not real and that's not love. And that's what I realized earlier. Even when she told me about the two of you; I thought that it was something she would get out of her system, that eventually she would tire of you or you would get what you wanted out of her and then she would be mine. But I knew today that that would never happen, that the woman I love doesn't actually exist." Jack turned his head to look at Sawyer, "I realized all that and then she's there, and it hurt so badly, this stranger standing beside me. And none of it felt real, nothing that we had been through together, the moments we have shared on this island. No matter what you think her friendship has been invaluable to me, and I didn't even feel like I had that anymore. I pushed her with my words and she told me some horrible home truths I didn't want to listen to and I snapped. I didn't mean it and I regretted it as soon as I had said it." Jack sighed, "And this isn't an excuse, but it's a reason for what I've done." He turned his head and stared back at the ocean.

Sawyer took a few moments to let what Jack had said sink in. He had known the purpose of this trip was to make Jack realize what he had done and apologize, but what he hadn't thought was that he would end up feeling the tiniest bit sorry for the guy. It was a strange feeling.

"I get that you're head's in a weird place and that you realizing Kate and I are together was a big thing to deal with, but it don't let you off the hook  
Jack," Sawyer said quietly. "I know," Jack replied. He turned to look at Sawyer once again, "Do you  
think she'll ever forgive me?"

Sawyer thought for a moment, "Ain't my place to say," Jack turned back away sadly, "But you can stop by later on and try."

Jack turned back around, a frown on his face hinting at surprise. Sawyer just wordlessly got up and brushed sand off himself absently and made as if to go.

"You did a good job by the way," Jack said, his hand raised above his eyes to block out the sun as he looked up at Sawyer who just looked at him strangely. "Suturing up my wounds. Are you sure you've never had any medical training, what with this and pulling a bullet out with your bare hands."

Sawyer let a smile play on his lips, "What can I say Doc, I must just be  
multi-talented."

Jack couldn't help but let out a small smile at this, then he thought for a  
moment and his face turned serious once again. "I guess I owe you a thank you," Jack said sheepishly.

"Nah don't sweat it Doc, guess now we're even right?" Sawyer replied, taking a step back making ready to go.

"I guess we are Sawyer."

Sawyer just nodded his head and began to walk away, back to his tent and back to his Kate.

Jack watched Sawyer for a long time as he walked away, realizing that he had only just begun to scratch the surface with his perception of Sawyer. He sighed to himself and though, 'that man truly is an enigma.'


	42. Chapter 42

Jack did stop by. Sawyer was sitting sprawled on his aeroplane seat, his big  
brown glasses resting on his nose reading the "Agony Aunt" section out loud  
from a women's magazine Kate had jokingly brought him a while back. Kate was  
sitting in between his legs resting her back against the seat; frequently  
tilting her head back to rest on his upper thigh to look at him all laugh or  
roll her eyes. She hadn't asked him much about his conversation with Jack,  
but she got the feeling from Sawyer that he had said his piece and was  
satisfied with the man's answers and therefore didn't press him any further.

Jack saw the couple before they saw him. He had tried his best to ignore the  
looks he was getting from the fellow castaways, but it hurt him deeply to  
see their confidence in him so badly shaken. It made him realize that  
although he had always got on well with his fellow survivors, other than  
Kate, he had never really thought of any of them as friends. Other than Kate,  
the deepest, most touching conversation he had had with anybody was with  
Sawyer, just before he had gone on the raft. He tried to steer his mind away  
from that particular train of thought, as the idea that, other than Kate, the  
closest thing he might have to a friend was Sawyer was a bit too much for  
him to handle at the moment. When he had first set eyes on the couple he  
tried so hard to look at them with an untainted view, with the idea of Kate  
as his friend, nothing more, and he couldn't help but smile slightly. She  
looked so relaxed, a smile playing on her face. He watched as she looked at  
Sawyer with mock-horror at something he had said and then playfully hit him,  
a smile playing on her lips as she turned back around. It was impossible to  
deny that she looked happy and content and he tried to focus on that as he  
approached, and not the heaviness that had set around his heart.

Sawyer noticed Jack approaching before Kate did, and he laid a quick kiss on  
top of her head before saying "Well looky here Freckles, looks like  
someone's come to have a word with his tail between his legs."

Kate looked at him with a puzzled expression as Sawyer disentangled himself  
from her and stood up, Kate looked around and saw Jack who was almost at  
their tent and frowned at Sawyer.

"Don't worry Freckles, I'm just gonna go over there and..." he looked around  
for the first person he could lay his eyes on, "...speak to Mamacita and  
baby Huey, I'll be keeping an eye on the situation, not that you need any  
help defending yourself," Sawyer said with a grin, and before Kate could  
protest he began to walk away shooting Jack a "just don't fuck this up" look  
as he passed.

As Sawyer was walking away he kept checking behind his shoulder to see what  
was going on back at the tent. He saw Kate stand up and he could tell by her  
stance and the way her arms were crossed that Jack wasn't going to get let  
of lightly and he couldn't help chuckling to himself. Jack should have known  
better than to cross Kate. He saw Jack look to the ground and shuffle his  
feet in a very meek manner and Sawyer couldn't help himself break out into a  
grin. Despite their "talk" earlier, he hoped the good Doc was feeling  
awkward as hell.

"For someone who got knocked out today you're looking very pleased with  
yourself," Claire remarked as Sawyer approached her tent.

"Well, what can I say Sweet Cheeks, seeing Jack-o begging for forgiveness just  
gives me the warm and fuzzies," Sawyer replied with a grin as he sat himself  
down on a log just outside Claire's tent.

Claire looked over at Kate and Sawyer's tent with interest, "He's  
apologizing?" she said with surprise. "And I should hope so too. I couldn't  
believe it, the way he spoke to her. You think you know someone and then  
they come up with something like that," Claire shook her head, "At least she  
gave him hell for it."

"She certainly did, and believe me, that girl can throw a punch, me and my  
abused jaw should know!"

Claire smiled and rolled her eyes, "I'm sure on the whole you deserve it  
though."

Sawyer raised his eyebrows, "Nah, I never do anything to deserve to be  
smacked in the face."

Claire just looked at him. "Well maybe sometimes I deserve it," Sawyer replied with a grin.

Claire just laughed, and then appeared to think for a moment before speaking  
again. "That was a good thing you did Sawyer."

Sawyer frowned and looked away, "Yeah well, I wasn't just gonna let him die  
was I? He saved my life, I saved his, don't mean nothing." He looked up at  
her, a smile forming on his lips, "Plus, it scored me loads of brownie points  
with Kate, if ya know what I mean."

Claire just rolled her eyes again, "I think that's more than I want to  
know," she thought for a moment, "You know, you're not as bad as you think  
you are Sawyer. You should give yourself a break."

Sawyer didn't know what to say to that, and what to do with the emotions it  
made him feel, so he looked back over at Kate. Her arms were uncrossed and  
she could see her actually talking to him in full sentences now. The old  
jealousy was till lurking in his mind, but more than that; he just wanted them  
to resolve this so she could be happy. This still felt so strange and new  
for him, caring about someone else's happiness above your own.

"Sawyer," Claire began, breaking him out of his train of thought, "Do you  
think you might be able to do me a favor?"

Sawyer thought for a moment, before a big grin spread across his face, "Well Angel Cake, despite what you might have heard, I'm a one woman man, not that  
I can blame ya for asking?"

Claire rolled her eyes, but couldn't help a wry smile play on her lips "Do  
you try and be a pig or does it just come naturally?"

Sawyer frowned, "Ya know, that sounds suspiciously like something Kate would  
say. Y'all haven't been gossiping about me have you?"

Claire laughed, "We have better things to with our time Sawyer."

"Ouch, that hurt me real bad," Sawyer said, mock pain in his voice.

Claire sighed, "Are you gonna hear me out or not?" she asked.

Sawyer brushed the hair from his face and turned to face her, "Shoot, you  
have my full undivided attention."

"Would you and Kate be able to watch Aaron for a while this afternoon?"

Sawyer sighed, "Ya know I'm no good around babies, it's a miracle I haven't  
dropped him or mentally scared him before now!"  
"You're good with him, really good in fact. He likes you, plus he never acts  
up when he's around you. Like I said, you've got to stop putting yourself  
down!"

"Why'd ya need him watched anyway?" Sawyer asked, trying to shift the  
subject.

Claire looked away for a moment, a slight blush tainting her cheeks,  
"Charlie's got something planned, a surprise apparently. We spend so much  
time together, but never alone. He's great with Aaron, better than great,  
but I think it's good for us to get away for a bit. It just seems too good  
to be true that he wants to stick around sometimes, I worry it's too much  
for him, too much responsibility..."

"Don't talk dumb Angel, he's lucky that you let him hang around you and  
don't you forget it!" Sawyer said before he even thought about the fact that  
he was attempting to comfort and reassure a twenty-something year old about  
her relationship issues. He'd laugh at himself if it wasn't so damned  
tragic; he's gone soft after all! Although he had to admit that he cared less  
and less as the days go by.

Claire looked up at him and smiled, "You know for a long time I wondered  
what Kate saw in you, even before she'd admitted it to herself, we could all  
tell how she felt about you. I think I'm beginning to understand more and  
more?"

"What? You mean it wasn't my hot ass?" Sawyer replied in mock disbelief.

Claire laughed, "Well maybe that too!"

Sawyer grinned, "Sure we'll watch Baby Huey, but I'm gonna blame my  
tarnished reputation entirely on you!"

Claire rolled her eyes, "That's fine by me, I'll bring him over in an hour  
or so?"

"Sounds good," Sawyer replied. He looked over at his tent and saw Jack was  
just about to leave. "See you later," he said as he walked away, back to his  
tent.

He passed Jack on the way, who stopped for a moment in front of him. "Thank  
you Sawyer."

Sawyer just looked at him and nodded before Jack walked past him.

Once he was in talking distance of Kate he said, "Ya know Freckles, I'm  
thinking I should start up an Island Counseling Service. We could charge a  
hell of a lot per session. Not that there is any real currency on this island, but think of all the mangos!"

Kate looked at him puzzled, "What are you talking about?" she said smiling.

Sawyer shook his head, "Never mind, just amusing myself with my dazzling  
wit."

"Well I guess it's a good thing you amuse someone then!"

Sawyer pretended to look horrified. "Well, ya certainly know how to hurt a  
man Freckles, now how will I punish you?" He said thoughtfully as he put his  
arms around her waist, pulling her against him.

"I can think of a few ways," Kate replied, her eyes giving him all kinds of  
promises.

"Well Freckles," Sawyer said before planting a lingering kiss on her lips,  
"I think you ought to describe these things to me, in long graphic detail."

Kate grinned, "Sounds good to me." And they walked arm in arm into their  
tent, never taking their eyes off each other.


	43. Chapter 43

Sawyer was lying in his bed with Kate's head resting on his chest, her hand  
resting near her face, her fingers lightly tracing patterns on his chest.

Sawyer had just finished punishing Kate, but as usual, it didn't really turn  
out to be a punishment. They had tried to keep the noise to a minimum, but  
with the general lull of the voices on the beach tended to drown pretty much  
any semi quiet noises they made, and unless anyone was passing anywhere  
nearby, they wouldn't have to witness the island equivalent of a sex show.  
Though, most of the time Kate and Sawyer didn't really care, especially when  
they passed that point where nothing mattered other than the feel of each  
others bodies.

In the back of his mind Sawyer realised there was something he was supposed  
to be doing today, but the laziness that had come over him took over his  
body, and instead to leaned he raised Kate's face and gave her a lingering  
kiss. Then he remembered.

"Oh shit," Sawyer muttered.

Kate looked at him with a puzzled expression. "What's wrong?"

"I told Mamcita earlier that we'd watch baby huey while Charlie took her off  
somewhere, trying to get into her pants I expect," Sawyer said thoughtfully.  
Kate hit him on the arm and sawyer grinned at her, "Okay, I'm sure his  
intentions are perfectly chaste, but either way I doubt Claire will be very  
happy with leaving her baby with us while we're naked in bed."

Kate looked amused, "You're probably right."

"But then again, that would require moving and I'm not sure I'm done  
pleasuring you yet freckles," sawyer replied with a wicked grin.

Just as he was about to lower himself for another kiss and more a voice  
called out, "Erm, Sawyer, Kate, anyone in?"

Kate and Sawyer just looked at each other, panic etched on Kate's face,  
amusement on sawyers. Kate frantically scrambled for her clothes and called,  
"We're here, be out in a second."

sawyer just grinned to himself and quickly pulled on his jeans which lay eside him, not bothering with underwear as usual, and as he got up he  
pulled on a shirt and not bothering to button it, stepped outside the tent.

"Well hey there Mamacita," Sawyer said as greeting.

Claire took in his appearance, no shoes, unbuttoned shirt and unruly hair  
and raised her eyebrows at him. sawyer just grinned at her, daring her to  
question him. At that moment Kate came crashing out the tent. She had  
bothered to put on her socks and boots and to even pull her hair into a bun.  
What she had failed to notice was that her tank top was inside out, but  
neither Sawyer nor Claire decided it would be a good thing to point this  
out.

"Hi Claire," Kate said brightly, "We've just been, uh, cleaning the tent up  
a bit." Kate smiled at her, hoping to give more believability to her story.

Claire's mouth twitched in a smile, and Sawyer didn't bother to hide his  
amusement by chuckling quietly. Kate must have heard him because she stamped  
on his foot in a warning.

"Well, it looks like you had fun, um, cleaning," Claire said, unable to  
resist, although she managed to keep her face perfectly straight.

"Yes there's nothing like a good, cleaning spree," Kate said brightly,  
realising her face was growing redder by the second. Sawyer just watched the  
whole exchange with amusement, but said nothing, knowing his bare foot would  
probably get more of a beating from Kate's booted one.

"Well, I shouldn't be gone for too long, a couple of hours maybe. He's got  
some spare diapers and food in this bag," Claire said, handing the bag to  
sawyer and then the baby to Kate.

"Okay, be as long as you like Claire, I'm sure we'll find something to do"  
Kate replied.

"Thanks so much for this guys," Claire said smiling, "as much as I'll miss  
even, even if it is just for a few hours, it will be nice to do something  
grown up for a change."

Sawyer pressed his lips together in an attempt to not comment on exactly  
what grown up activity he thought this might be, he figured that might  
result in more than a foot stamping from Kate.

"Well you deserve it," Kate replied.

Claire looked over he shoulder and saw Charlie standing by her tent waiting  
for her. "I'd better go," Claire said, "See you guys later." "Bye Claire," Kate said and Claire turned with a smile and walked towards  
Charlie.

"Have fun with those 'grown up activities'," sawyer called after her, his  
self control failing him as usual when he thought of a witty comment. Kate  
turned to look at him and sawyer could see her booted foot raise up again,  
he ducked out of the way just in time.

"Now Freckles, no violence in front of the baby, we wanna set a good example,  
don't we?" sawyer said grinning,

Kate just rolled her eyes, "You just can't help yourself can you?"

"Well it aint my fault I was granted with the gift of wit and intelligence  
is it Freckles?"

Kate just raised her eyebrows at him and sat down on the aeroplane seat with  
Aaron on her lap. Sawyer sat down beside her, dumping the bag Kate had given  
him on the floor next to them. Aaron started squirming around on Kate's lap,  
so she turned him around to face her and sawyer.

"He's got bigger," Sawyer said, at a loss of what to say when around babies.

Kate looked at him, "Well babies tend to grow sawyer."

"Freckles, I may not know much about babies, but I'm not a total idiot."

While Kate and sawyer had been talking, Aaron had his eyes locked on sawyer  
hair, and had been spending the time trying to take a chunk of it in his  
hands and pull on it. He succeeded.

"Owch, Son of a b...." sawyer managed to stop himself from finishing his  
sentence, and his eyes flicked to the baby, grinning and giggling, Sawyer's  
blond hair grasped in his hand.

Kate couldn't help but laugh.

"Freckles, you think you could quit your laughing long enough to dis attach  
the baby from my hair before he pulls it out?" Sawyer asked, his head bent  
over so Aaron wasn't pulling so hard.

"Aww, I think he likes you," Kate said as she loosened the babies grip on  
sawyer's hair.

"Well, he's got a funny way of showing it," Sawyer replied, rubbing his  
scalp where Aaron had pulled.

"What do you want to do?" Kate asked Sawyer. "Well personally sweet cheeks I would like to go back into our tent and  
finish what I was about to start earlier, but as that's likely to mentally  
scar Baby huey, I say we..." sawyer thought for a moment, "take him for a  
swim?"

"I think he's a little young for swimming Sawyer," Kate replied.

"Not if we go in with him," Sawyer stated.

Kate thought for a moment, "Well I guess if we didn't go in too deep it  
would be alright. Hold Aaron while I change into my bikini." She got up and  
handed Aaron to Sawyer, who thought about suggesting that they go skinny  
dipping, but then realised that was likely to mentally scar the infant as  
well.

Sawyer turned Aaron around in his lap and looked at him, managing to push  
his hair out of the way before the baby could grab a chunk of it again.  
Being around Aaron always caused him mixed feelings. He thought back to the  
last time when they had looked after him, and how he had freaked out. Had  
those feelings gone completely? No, the hurt was still lingering, the images  
of the life he could have had, poised at the back of his mind to come back  
to haunt him. But feeling as he did now, having someone like Kate in his  
life, would he changed his past, knowing that if he did he wouldn't be here  
now on this island with her. Surprisingly it was something he had never  
considered before, and it puzzled him. His mind wandered to Jack. At first  
sawyer had despised the sight of him, mainly because sawyer thought he was a  
naive arrogant prick with a hero complex, but also because he resented the  
fact that he had everything sawyer had never had. sawyer used to sit and  
imagine the kind of life Jack had had, middle class parents, money, good  
upbringing, everything that Sawyer had been stripped of. But the more he  
learned about Jack, the realisation that the man at the bar Christian was  
his Dad had made him wonder if he had had the same life as Jack, it wouldn't  
necessarily mean he was happy.

He was snapped out of his reverie by Kate emerging from the tent, clad in  
only a black bikini. It had been one of Shannon's cast offs, declaring that  
black 'so wasn't her colour.' A pang of pain went through Sawyer when he  
remembered Shannon's sorry end, so he turned his thoughts back to the  
beautiful woman standing in front of him.

Kate had always been self conscious about her appearance. She had never been  
a girly girl, preferring jeans and a t shirt to skirt, dresses and skimpy  
clothes any day. But being with Sawyer had made her feel more feminine, the  
way he looked at her made her feel beautiful for the first time in her life,  
gave her to confidence to walk around in a bikini when the situation called  
for it.

"Jeeze Freckles, you trying to drive me crazy?" Sawyer asked incredulously.  
"Parading around looking so delicious in front of a man who can't do anything  
about his urges aint very nice Freckles."

Kate laughed, "Well, what was I supposed to do, go swimming fully clothed?"

Sawyer thought for a moment, "Nah, I'd still have the same urges whatever  
you'd wear," he grinned up at her, "Guess you can't win freckles, whatever  
you wear turns me on."

Kate just rolled her eyes, she seemed to do that a lot since she met sawyer,  
but she knew he knew she secretly liked his comments.

"Come on Cowboy, I'll race you down there." she said with a competitive  
grin.

"What? I've got a baby, that's hardly fair odds!" sawyer said, but Kate had  
already ran off towards the sea.

"Son of a ..." sawyer muttered, getting used to having to cut short his  
favorite curse, and grabbed the bag Claire had left with them, and with  
that in one hand, and Aaron cradled against him with the other he attempted  
to run after Kate. But he was worried about dropping the baby so it really  
looked more like a bizarre gallop, resulting in Kate almost being falling  
over with laughter as he approached.

Sawyer just scowled at her, his pride wounded, but part of him just couldn't  
help like the fact that he had made her laugh so hard, even if it was at his  
own expense. He loved it when he made Kate smile.

"Yeah yeah, laugh it up Freckles," Sawyer said, handing Aaron over to her.

"Sorry," Kate said between laughter, "You just looked so silly running like  
that," this just made her laugh more, Aaron somehow catching on a giggling  
himself. Sawyer just sighed, realising anything he said would just make her  
laugh more, and took of his shirt, dumping it next to Aaron's bag, and walked  
into the sea, letting the waves wash over his feet. One of the things he  
like most about being on the island, apart from Kate of course, was the  
ocean. It brought him a sense of calm, and he loved swimming right out,  
seeing how far he could push himself. He thought back to all the time  
thoughts of Kate's naked body had kept him awake at night, and how a late  
night swim was the only way he was able to cool off and exhaust himself and  
be able to get some sleep.

"Awww, I think we hurt Sawyer's feelings Aaron," kate said to the baby in  
her arms, who just looked back at her smiling. She walked into the waves  
herself and sat down in the shallow water, holding Aaron up out of the  
water, only letting the waves wash over his little feet. At first Aaron  
squirmed a bit, the experience being a new one, but before long he was  
kicking his feet in the water and giggling.

Sawyer looked down to the giggling baby sitting in the arms of the woman he  
loved and let a memory rise from the depths of his mind he usually did a  
good job of avoiding. He thought about his daughter. She must be 3 maybe  
four by now. He didn't know her birthday, but the baby in the picture he had  
been shown, the picture that was burnt onto the back of his mind against his  
will, couldn't have been more than a few months old. He remembered so  
clearly how the news had effected him. It was all he could do to get out of  
the visiting room in one piece, the urge to take out his pain on every  
object in the room too strong for him to just sit there. It had hurt new  
parts of him, the knowledge that he of all people had fathered a child, that  
someone as fucked up at him had unwittingly created a new life was almost  
more than he could bare. Damn, he had wished he had a bottle of whiskey that  
night, or something stronger, something that could take him away from  
himself even momentarily. He thought she might have made it up to hurt him,  
to try and get money from him, but deep down he knew that despite all she  
had done, like get his ass thrown in jail, she wouldn't do that from him.  
Hell, she hadn't even wanted any money, only for him to write to her, make  
contact, be her Daddy. Well that was something he couldn't do, wouldn't do,  
was incapable of doing. Eventually he did the only thing he could do, make  
an anonymous account in her name and walk away, He gave her the one thing  
he was capable of giving her, enough money to make her and her Mom  
comfortable for a very long time. Then he walked away.

Once he got out of jail he made sure that nothing like this could never  
happen again. He had a vasectomy. Hurt like a son of a bitch and he had to  
lay off sex for about a week, but he had felt like an idiot he hadn't done  
it before. He was always careful with the women he had slept with, fathering  
a child had been his worse nightmare, but the amount of times he had been  
drunk or worse, or been caught up in the heat of the moment, well he didn't  
like to think about it. But at least now he could be safe in the knowledge  
that there would be no more accidents.

So why did part of him regret this decision for the first time since he had  
had it done. He hadn't given it a second thought when he had been sitting in  
the private doctor's waiting room, He knew there was more chance of hell  
freezing over than him willingly wanting children. But looking down at Kate  
with Aaron in her arms looking so happy made the first twinge of regret  
course though him. Since he had met Kate he had wanted a hell of a lot of  
things that he had never desired before, like love and companionship, caring  
about someone more than yourself, wanting to wake up next to her for the  
rest of his life. If someone had forseen this in his future he would have  
either laughed in their face or punched them for taking the piss out of him.  
But he figured that if someone had told him he would have survived a plane  
crash on a not so deserted island filled with a mysterious kidnap loving  
group and a strange smoke monster in the jungle, he would have wheeled them off to the nearest loony bin.

He shook his head and sighed. What if Kate had a problem with this? She  
hardly seemed the maternal type, but you never know. His wants and desires  
had changed so much since he met her, what if hers had too. They had been  
having unprotected sex since they had got together, condoms not exactly  
being a commodity on the island, although he did have 20 or so in his stash  
originally, they had all miraculously disappeared along with the rest of his  
stash when he returned from the raft. She had never questioned this though,  
never asked him if he had any, never seemed particularly worried about it.  
Like him had she been thought up in the heat of the moment, or did she not  
care if she got pregnant? No, sawyer knew that she was not that type of  
girl, she wasn't trying to unwittingly get pregnant with him.

Kate looked up at sawyer and saw that he was deep in thought about  
something, his brow creased with frown lines, his eyes dark as if something  
was troubling him. She wondered if it had anything to do with Aaron. She  
knew how difficult it had been for him when they had watched Aaron last  
time, but she had hoped they were passed that now. She had also hoped that  
he would share his worried with her.

She stood up with Aaron in her arms, and walked over to stand in front of  
him.

"Tex?" she said quietly.

Sawyer looked at her. Kate thought he had the look of someone coming out of  
a deep sleep. He blinked a couple of times and looked down at her.

"Hey Freckles," Sawyer said, and Kate could pick up tints of sadness in his  
voice.

"I lost you for a while then," Kate said gently, "You want to talk about  
it?"

Sawyer thought for a moment, and Kate saw something close to panic mar his  
features briefly. He gave a her a smile, tinged with that sadness again. "I  
guess I probably should Freckles. You wanna sit down?"

Kate felt the first wave of worry pass through her as she followed sawyer to  
sit on the sand, a few meters away from the ocean.

"Don't look so worried sweet cheeks." Sawyer said as they sat down, able to  
read her expression as always, "It aint bad," he thought for a moment, "more  
something you should know about me."

Some of Kate's worry eased, but really it was just laced with curiosity. If  
it was something she should know it was probably another of Sawyer's sad secrets. Like her he still had many locked away from her. Part of her was  
pleased he going to share something with her, the other part worried as to  
what implications it could have to their "relationship" that he felt he  
should tell her.

Sawyer thought how to begin telling her, and then realised he would have to  
tell the whole story.

"About 5 years ago I met this woman called," he paused for a moment not  
wanting to say her name, "Cassidy. Well by met, I mean she was part of a  
con, a Long Con. You know what that is Freckles?"

"I think so, but clarify it for me?" Kate said, intrigued by his story.

"A Long Con works by getting someone to ask you to do something like it's  
their idea, but it's not their idea, it's your idea."

Kate just nodded, so Sawyer continued. "I lived with her for about 6 months,  
she wanted me to teach her how to con people after she worked out I was  
conning her at the beginning, but that was just part of the Long Con as  
well. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I conned her out of $600,000, than  
ran. Only what I wasn't counting on her going to the cops, she was a real  
piece of work this woman, good at conning, she had balls I can give her that  
much. I get my sorry ass slammed in jail." Sawyer looked at Kate, and seeing  
she looked shocked that he had been in jail he said, "Don't look so worried  
Freckles, I conned my way out of there after 9 months."

Kate looked at him incredulously, "You conned your way out of jail?"

"Sure did sweet heart, but that's another story." Sawyer paused for a  
moment, aware the most difficult part of the story was coming up next. "So,  
a couple of months before I finally get out of jail, Cassidy comes to visit  
me." Sawyer took a deep breath, "She pushed a photo towards me, a photo of a  
baby," he looked up into Kate's eyes, "a photo of my daughter."

Kate couldn't have been more surprised, but then when she thought about it,  
about all the woman he must have been with, him fathering a child was never  
so much of an impossibility. But the thought of sawyer having a child...it  
had totally thrown her. She thought of how he must have felt when he found  
out, about how much it must have hurt him, and before she knew what she was  
doing she lay a soft kiss on his lips and whispered "I'm sorry." It was all  
she could say, she was sorry that it had happened to him, sorry he had to  
live with that knowledge. Like so many things in both their pasts, there was  
nothing the other could do to change what they had been through even though  
they both wished they could.

Sawyer smiled sadly at her and after a moment of silence sawyer continued,  
"I haven't ever seen her, don't know where she lives or when her birthday s. I could never have anything to do with her, do you understand that  
freckles?"

Kate took his hand, "I understand why sawyer."

He nodded, "All I did for her was give her the money from the prison con in  
a bank account in the town where Cassidy told me they lived, I made it  
anonymous, I didn't want her to know it was from me, didn't want her to  
ever be able to track it to me. After I got out of jail I made sure that  
nothing like that could ever happen to me again, so I...I had a vasectomy. I  
can't ever have children Kate."

Kate took a while to digest this information. She had ashamedly not even  
worried about the fact they had been having unprotected sex all this time.  
With everything that had gone on, it was one of the last things on her mind.  
At least she knew she didn't have to worry about that now. But how did that  
make her feel.

Kate had known for a long time that children were never going to fit in with  
her life. She had tried to live the closest to a normal life she was ever  
going to get, and it was the negative pregnancy test that had finally burst  
the bubble on that little fantasy. A normal life with a husband, children  
and white picket fence and a dog had never been on the cars for Kate, at  
least not since she had killed Wayne. and maybe even before that. Had she  
really desired all those things before she killed him, or was it the  
knowledge that she couldn't have them which had propelled her to desire them?  
She just didn't know. She couldn't entirely say she had accepted the fact  
she could never have a normal life, that the small seeds of desire for it  
weren't still there. But she wouldn't trade what she had with Sawyer for any  
kind of deluded fantasy life. What she had already was enough to make her  
happy, more than happy. It made her feel free. It's not like she had thought  
about having children with him, she honestly hadn't entertained the thought  
for a moment. It's not like she could have a child on the island. She knew  
Claire had, but she was lucky, who knows if the same luck would ever extend  
to Kate in the same situation. As well as the fact that if they ever got off  
the island she'd be on the run, that wouldn't change, and you couldn't be on  
the run with a baby. No, a baby didn't fit anywhere in her life.

She looked up at sawyer, snapping out of her thoughts and realised, with the  
look of worry and concern on sawyer's face that it had been a few minutes  
since he stopped talking.

"I'm sorry Tex," she said, "It's a lot to take in at once." She took his  
hand, "If you're worried that I'm upset, don't be, a baby doesn't fit into  
my life anymore than it does in yours. What we have is enough for me, and it  
always will be."

Sawyer looked at her for a moment, checking for any signs that she was being insincere, she just smiled at him and he moved towards her, crushing her lips  
with his with feverish intensity, feeling so relieved that she was okay with  
the situation. He kissed her harder when suddenly he felt a sharp pull on his  
hair. He broke away from Kate and looked down at Aaron who was sitting  
between Kate's crossed legs, one of his little fists clutching a chunk of  
Sawyer's hair.

Sawyer chuckled, "Looks like the baby wants some attention."

Kate laughed, "I think Aaron's found his new favorite pass time."

Sawyer frowned, "Yeah, my scalp is beginning to feel the strain," Sawyer  
replied as he attempted to un attach his hair from Aaron's fist.

Once he was successful he looked at Kate and kissed her softly, "I love you  
Freckles."

"I love you too James," Kate replied, knowing his real name was only to be  
used as something precious in special moments.

***

Kate remembered that day so vividly, how content she had felt sitting on the  
beach with Sawyer. How pleased she was that he had felt comfortable enough  
with her to reveal one more of his secrets. The amazing sex they had had  
after they'd returned Aaron to a very happy Claire.

Kate looked down at the strip of plastic in her hands and remembered the  
last time she had took this test, how terrified she had been for completely  
different reasons. The feeling that her whole fate lay in whether there  
would be two lines or one on a strip of plastic. She took a deep breath. She  
knew the time had passed, that she had to look down but she could bring  
herself to.

She opened her eyes. Two lines. She was pregnant and her whole world was  
about to come crashing down around her. Everything was destroyed. She sank  
to her knees and collapsed onto the sand, glad she was out in the jungle  
where no one could hear her screams.


	44. Chapter 44

Kate couldn't remember exactly how much time had passed since she saw the results of the pregnancy test and when the sobs had eventually stopped wracking her body. It was like awakening from a long sleep with a hangover, not remembering what had happened to her or what she had done. She wondered if it was her body's way of trying to protect her from the fact she had probably just had a minor breakdown. She felt strangely detached from herself, vaguely aware that she was lying on the jungle floor in a foetal position, still clutching the pregnancy test in one hand so tightly that it had left an impression in her hand that had gone purple from being deprived of oxygen.

She desperately tried to think clearly, to try and fight her way out of this tempting numbness that was threatening to take over her body for good. How long had she been pregnant, that was a good place to start. She was over three weeks late, so assuming she had become pregnant in the first week she and Sawyer had begun sleeping together, then she was at least seven weeks. Seven weeks. That was almost two months, and she desperately tried not to recoil back into herself with the knowledge that this tiny life had been growing inside her for so long without her knowledge.

Sawyer. She thought back to the moment on the beach two weeks ago where he had admitted to her that he had made sure he would never accidentally have another child. She shivered and tears began to prick her eyes again. How had this happened? She fought her way back out of he panic that was quickly taking over her and tried to think about this rationally. A manic laugh escaped through her lips before she could stop it. How was anything to do with this even remotely rational? She knew she hadn't been with anyone other than Sawyer since she had arrived on the island. Hell, she hadn't been with anyone before Sawyer for quite a long time. So as far as she was concerned one of two things must have happened. Either the baby was Sawyer's and somehow his vasectomy must have failed, or she had been raped without her knowledge, either by some random person or somehow impregnated by the Others. She had been with Claire when she had relived her memories of being captured by the Others, she had seen the hatch where they had kept her. She had to admit to herself that it wasn't outside the realm of possibility, but highly unlikely. Even if they had somehow drugged her and wiped her memory, Sawyer would have noticed her being gone for so long, she would have...felt that something had gone on.

It scared her how rationally she was able to think about this. As if she was thinking about some hypothetical situation. But she had felt like this before. When she had been on the run she had to harden herself against everything that caused her emotional pain. Had to be able to look at her situation without her emotions confusing her. It hurt something inside her that she was being forced to go back into that frame of mind.

It had to be Sawyer's; there was no other explanation. How it was Sawyer's she did not know. But she didn't get pregnant by magic. Now what the hell was she going to do about it? That wasn't a question she had an easy answer to.

Even if she wanted an abortion, there was no way that she could have one on the island. Suddenly emotion began to break through the calm place she was in as she thought about killing the tiny life inside of her. Nausea began to overwhelm her as the gravity of her situation overcame her once again. She was going to be a mother. Kate Austen, the liar, the cheat and the murderer was going to bring a life into this world. It wasn't right. She wasn't right. There's no way that she was capable of motherhood.

She sat upright, her muscles screaming at her for moving after so long hunched in the same position. She ignored them and sat with her head between her knees, taking deep breaths trying to stop the rising nausea. Then a thought dawned on her that finally pushed her over the edge of sickness, causing her to be sick in the nearest bush. If this is how she felt about the situation, how in God's name was Sawyer going to cope with this?

She knew the answer. He wasn't.

Even if he believed that she hadn't been unfaithful to him, there was no way he could cope with the fact that he was going to be a father. She knew it deep down. He had had a vasectomy for a reason; she had seen the look of pain on his face when he had told her about his daughter. How much it hurt him to know that he had created a child. He had issues with his childhood that he would never fully get over, she knew that and she couldn't blame him for feeling like that. A child would always remind him of everything he had been through. Everything he had been denied. She knew everyday he was learning what it felt like to care about someone, to love someone and to have someone in his life to put first. They had had their set backs, but they had so many more obstacles to get over than normal couples. She shuddered at the memory of him looking so haunted, with a gun pressed against his head. She could never predict his reaction to this news; what if it was one last thing in a line of things he couldn't cope with? It was a miracle he had been able to come to terms with the news that the real Sawyer was already dead, could this push him over the edge once and for all?

Everything about their relationship would change. Neither of them was cut out for domestic bliss and she didn't think she craved it and she knew he didn't. Their relationship was fine as it was; all they had to do was please themselves and each other. A baby would force them to face the issue that was always in the backs of their minds. If they were in a "normal" relationship back in the real world, if Kate wasn't wanted by the police and if Sawyer wasn't a con man, would they work as a couple? Kate couldn't honestly answer that question. It was impossible to know. Being on the island was a complete unreality; the normal rules didn't apply.

Oh God. What if they were rescued? The baby would be taken away from her and she knew that it would probably break her once and for all. Kate drew her knees against her chest and hugged them to her, taking deep breaths, feeling tears well up in her eyes again. There was no point thinking about that yet. There was something even worse she had to consider. She knew what she was going to have to do.

***

Sawyer swung the axe down again, slicing the log clean in two. He took a deep breath and lifted his arms into the air, stretching his aching muscles. He took his shirt from the floor and wiped his face with it, noting to himself it should now probably be flung into the growing pile of laundry in the tent. He had hoped coming out here to slice logs would make him feel better, less frustrated, but it didn't seem to be working. He knew something was wrong and he couldn't work out what it was and it was driving him crazy. Kate had been acting strangely, on the surface she had been fine, they still laughed and joked, hung out, made love every night, but sometimes he would catch her frowning when she didn't think he was looking, chewing on her bottom lip like she did when she was anxious. There was this strange distance growing between them and when he hinted that maybe something might be wrong she would say she was fine and take him into her arms. But he could feel it, this air of tension in the air between them, like a storm that was just waiting to break over their heads.

He was useless at this relationship stuff; it's not like he ever had any practice either. Should he just leave it, let whatever was wrong with her blow over? Or should he confront her, make her tell him what was wrong with her?

He just didn't know. He sighed and picked up the axe once again, hoping the answer would come to him.

***

Kate wasn't entirely sure how she had got back to the beach. She stood on the edge of the trees bordering the beach, taking in the site as if for the last time. Jin stood knee deep in the ocean, net in hand whilst Sun sat on the sand nearby chatting to him in Korean. Hurley stood at the newly constructed "food bar" chopping fruit, trying to explain something to an amused looking Sayid at the same time. Charlie was the nearest person to Kate and she could hear him strumming his guitar singing something quietly to Aaron while Claire sat nearby writing in her diary.

Kate took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she had to do. She stepped out from the shadow of the trees and plastered a smile on her face. She walked across the beach quickly, but not quickly enough to catch attention, making sure that she returned the smiles and waves of the people around her. After what seemed like an eternity she managed to get to the tent belonging to the two of them and let out a sigh of relief when she realised he wasn't there. Although it made what she had to do both easier and harder at the same time.

She quickly scanned around the tent and put all of her clothes she could see lying around into her backpack, trying desperately not to let her overwhelming sense of sorrow lessen her resolve. She unzipped the front pocket of her backpack rummaging around for a piece of paper and a pen and sat down to write the hardest and most soul destroying letter she would ever have to write.

***

Sawyer's wood chopping session hadn't been as illuminating as he had hoped and he had come to no decisions with what to do. He was feeling hot and bothered and fancied a dip in the sea with his favorite swimming partner, so he hoped Kate hadn't gone on one of her treks and would be on the beach when he returned.

He walked through the trees bordering the beach just as Kate walked into the woods, turning around and saying her last goodbyes to the sun glistening on the ocean and to the soft sand scattered at its shores.

Sawyer scanned the beach looking for Kate, but couldn't catch a glimpse of her anywhere. He frowned, but then thought that maybe she was waiting for him in their tent, preferably naked, which made him grin. He swaggered towards the tent and lifted the flap, stepping inside hoping to be confronted with the sight of Kate lying there waiting for him.

Instead all that was waiting for him was a folded piece of paper lying on the bed with his name on it. His real name.

Panic seized him swiftly, part of him hoped it was some kind of game she was playing, but deep down he knew it wasn't, that something was horribly wrong. He fumbled for the piece of paper and unfolded it slowly, as if he was afraid of what it might say.

Dearest James,

I'm so sorry to do this to you, but there's no other way. I'm going away for a while and you can't know where and you can't know why. This is not your fault, it's mine, I thought I could be something I'm not, but I know now that we can't be together anymore.  
What you have given me is more precious then you will ever know and I will treasure it forever.  
I beg you, for both our sakes that you don't try and find me. It will only make this so much more difficult. But I want you to know that I'm being rational and I'm not going to put myself in any danger.

I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me.

I love you James.

Kate.

Sawyer hadn't even realised he had fallen to his knees until he tore his gaze away from the paper. He bent over, putting his hands on his knees, struggling for breath like a drowning man. Anyone who could have seen his face at that moment would have been overcome by the anguish and torment that emanated from him. He didn't know what to think first. All he could do was let the overwhelming sense of loss and betrayal incapacitate him.

***

Kate managed to get to the edge of the trees before the tears began rolling down her face. Her body wanted her to sink to the jungle floor and just give into the need to sob and scream until she lost her voice. But she made herself keep one foot in front of the other, not bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes. Deep down, in the part of her brain that she dared not to go, she briefly thought that she might be making the most terrible mistake of her life. But she quickly pushed that thought away. She was doing what she had to do. She was doing what was best for both of them. She repeated this to herself like a mantra all the way to the hatch, by the time she got there she almost believed it completely.

She stumbled through the hatch door and her eyes scanned around to see who was there. It appeared empty. Then she heard water running in the bathroom and a door opening. Jack came walking into the main room and Kate finally let herself sink to the floor.

"Kate?" Jack said, surprise lacing his voice. He took a moment to look at the state she was in. Her eyes were red and bloodshot from crying, her hair plastered to her face. But what affected him worst of all was the look of utter desolation in her eyes. The doctor in him realized she might actually be in shock. He went over and kneeled beside her.

She looked up at him, "Please Jack, I need your help."


	45. Chapter 45

"Please Jack, I need your help."

Jack paused for a moment before replying, surprised that after everything that had happened between them recently she had come to him.

"Of course I'll help you Kate. But you have to tell me what's wrong. What happened?"

Kate looked away from him, unable to make eye contact. "I can't tell you."

Jack frowned and then sighed. "Kate, how am I supposed to help you if you don't tell me what's wrong?"

Kate turned back to face him, a look of grim determination on her face, "You're just going to have to trust me Jack, can you do that? Please, I have nowhere else to go."

Jack closed his eyes momentarily, part of him thinking he shouldn't go along with this. He could tell something wasn't right with her. But the look of utter hopelessness in her eyes scared him. If he pushed her away what would she do?

"Okay, I'll help you and I won't ask questions, for now anyway. But you have to tell me what you want me to do? Can you at least do that much?" Kate nodded. "Good. First things first, I want you to sit down on the sofa and let me make you a hot drink, I don't know what's happened to you, but I think you might be in shock..."

"No!" Kate said, panic edging into her voice. "There's no time. He might come here to try and find me."

Jack frowned, "Sawyer?" Anger edged into his voice, "What's he done to you Kate?"

Kate's eyes widened and she grabbed Jack's shoulders, shaking him. "Listen to me Jack, this is very important. Sawyer hasn't done anything to me. He hasn't hurt me. I'm the one hurting him. He's not the bad guy in this, I am and you need to believe me."

Jack shook his head, "I don't understand."

"You don't need to. All you need to know is that I'm in hiding. I've left the beach. I don't want to see anyone. I'm only here because I knew if I left camp completely people would come looking for me. I need you to keep people away; I need you to hide me here until I figure out what to do. Can you do that Jack?"

Jack looked at her for a moment, still trying to work out what could have happened to make her want to go into hiding. "Yes, I can do that, but it's not going to be easy. People here care about you Kate, they're going to want to know where you are, what's wrong with you..."

"Make up what you want, I don't care what you tell them as long as it keeps them away," Kate replied interrupting him. "And Jack, you can't let Sawyer in here, I can't see him, not under any circumstances."

"I don't like any of this," Jack replied getting up off the floor and reaching down to help Kate up. "I want you to know that I'm only going along with this because at least here I can keep an eye on you, make sure you don't run away into the jungle."

Kate just nodded, relief setting in that at least Jack agreeing to her terms gave her some more time to think.

"You think you can sit down on the sofa and I can get you that hot drink now? Shock can be very dangerous..."

"Yes, okay," Kate replied, interrupting him again, "Just lock the door first?"

Jack went over to make sure the door was locked and Kate collapsed onto the sofa, drawing her knees up to her chin, hugging them to her. She took a deep breath as the reality of what she had done began to seep in.

***

After what felt like hours Sawyer stumbled out of his tent, the sunlight momentarily blinding him. He cast a glance over the beach, but he knew it was futile. Kate would be long gone by now. All he knew was that he had to find her, had to speak to her, had to understand why this was happening. He walked like a blind man, not really seeing what was ahead of him, his mind going at a million miles an hour, the pain so intense it was almost choking him.

The first person he saw was Hurley who was standing talking to Charlie. Sawyer walked up to him.

"Have you seen Kate?"

Hurley took a moment to take in Sawyer's appearance. His face was flushed, his eyes bloodshot, his face set in grim determination.

"Er, no dude, I haven't seen her in a while," Hurley replied, frowning, not liking the expression on Sawyer's face. Gone was the usual cocky swagger that accompanied him everywhere. His face was raw and open and it made Hurley feel uncomfortable.

Sawyer just blinked at him slowly before shifting his gaze to Charlie, "Have you seen her?"

"Sorry mate, been with Hurley in the woods, only just got back," Charlie replied, looking at Hurley, sharing his friend's puzzlement.

Sawyer just turned away from them without another word, scanning the beach for someone else. All that he could hear was "find Kate, find Kate" repeating over and over in his head.

He bumped into someone, and turned around, seeing whom it was. Some guy he'd only spoken to a few times, Scott, Steve, he couldn't remember his name.

Sawyer caught hold of his arm, "Have you seen Kate?"

Scott looked at him, feeling slightly nervous. "No, haven't seen her all day."  
Sawyer released him and stumbled away.

"Has anyone seen Kate?" he said loudly. A few people turned to look at him. "I need to see Kate, where is she? Has anyone seen her?" Sawyer's voice kept rising as he spoke. People had begun to gather in small groups, wondering what on earth was going on. Sawyer felt like his world was spinning; all he could see were faces everywhere, and no one helping him. He felt light-headed under their gazes and he looked around frantically for anyone that might help him.

"I saw her head into the woods about an hour ago, James," a voice behind him said. Sawyer turned around and saw Locke standing a few feet behind him. "Let's go find her shall we?"

Sawyer looked at him and nodded and waited for Locke to walk ahead of him before following him into the jungle, leaving the whispering figures behind.

"This is where I saw her enter earlier," Locke said as they stepped into the shade of the trees, "I should be able to track her from here."

Locke turned around, waiting for an answer and saw Sawyer staring at something Locke couldn't see. Locke frowned, something was obviously wrong. He noticed a piece of paper clenched in Sawyer's hand.

"James?" Locke said, snapping Sawyer out of his reverie. "We should be able to track her from here."

Sawyer blinked a few times, as if trying to clear his head and then he nodded.

Locke opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it and took off on the path Kate had set upon.

After about fifteen minutes Locke realised that Kate had followed the path to the hatch, but thought it was better to keep that information to himself for the moment.

"You mind if I asked what's happened James?" Locke said as he walked.

"She's gone," Sawyer said simply, his voice emotionless. "Came back and found her stuff gone and a note."

Locke said nothing for a moment. "We're on the path to the hatch James, it would appear Kate has gone there. Can you think why she would go there?"

Sawyer stopped in his tracks, as if something disturbing had suddenly dawned on him.  
"Jack," he said, his voice filled with venom.

Suddenly Sawyer pushed past him and started to run in the direction of the hatch like the devil was chasing him. Locke thought for a moment and then followed him.

Sawyer ran and ran until his lungs were gasping for air and his muscles were screaming at him. Twigs whipped at his face but it didn't slow him down. If anything the pain helped to clear his mind. So that's what this is all about. The inevitable had happened. She had left him for Jack. Anger churned in his veins, how could she do this to him, leave him without even an explanation? She didn't even care about him enough to give him that.

He approached the hatch door and pulled on the handle hard. It didn't move. Sawyer yanked it harder, but it made no difference. He groaned in frustration.

"Open the door Kate, I know you're in there!" he shouted, banging on the door.

There was no reply. Sawyer only smacked the door harder.

"Don't think I'm going to go away, I can bang on this door all fucking night if I have to."

Still no answer. "How could you do this to me!" Sawyer screamed, "Leave me for him without so much as an explanation. What was it all about then Kate? Sex? A quick fuck with the dirty con man until the doctor wanted you?"

***

Kate sat curled up on the sofa, tears streaming down her face. The pain in his voice pierced her soul; but she was doing the right thing, it was better in the long run, in time he'd get over her. At least this is what she told herself.

"I'll break this door down if I have to Kate." She cringed as she heard the weight of his body crash against the metal door repetitively.

"He's going to hurt himself Kate," Jack said, standing behind the chair opposite the sofa. "Why don't you just speak to him? At least tell him what's going on?" There was no answer. Jack sighed, "He's not going to go away, he's the most stubborn man I've ever met, he'll stay out there banging until he gets a reply or until he knocks himself out. Which would you prefer?"

"I can't see him Jack, I can't even speak to him. I know what I'm doing; it's better in the long run. If I speak to him it will only make it ten times harder for both of us." Kate wiped the tears from her eyes, "Can't you speak to him, tell him to leave me alone?"

Jack looked at her in disbelief. "I'm not going to do your dirty work for you, if you don't want to be with him, tell him yourself! You do realise that he thinks you've left him for me? I'm sure I'm the last person he wants to speak to right now."

"Please Jack, I beg you, don't make me speak to him," Kate sobbed. "It's too hard!"

Jack closed his eyes, biting back anger. Sawyer wasn't tiring, his shouting and banging weren't going away. "I'll do you a deal Kate, I'll go out there and speak to him, try and get him to leave for the moment. But you can wait at the other side of the door, and if he won't leave until he speaks to you, you're going to have to speak to him. You owe him that much anyway."

Kate squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her knees closer to her.  
"That's the deal Kate, take it or leave it. Or we could always sit and hope he wears himself out?" Jack said, raising his eyebrows.  
Kate sighed, knowing she was defeated. "Okay."

***

Locke burst through the trees. He had already heard Sawyer's screaming but he stopped in his tracks when he saw what Sawyer was doing to himself. He was throwing himself into the metal door repeatedly, using his whole body weight. The sound it produced was a sickening thud and Locke couldn't help but be disturbed at Sawyer's total lack of self-preservation.

"I don't think you should be doing that James," Locke said calmly, "You're going to hurt yourself."

Sawyer didn't even acknowledge his presence and continued smashing against the door.

Locke sighed and was contemplating an attempt to restrain him when he saw the hatch door begin to open and he watched Sawyer stop his tirade.

Locke took a few steps closer and watched Jack emerge from the hatch.

"You!" Sawyer said, his voice laced with fury and he went to lunge at Jack.

Locke ran forward and managed to get between the two men before Sawyer had a chance to grab Jack.

Jack backed against the door, obviously shocked at the state Sawyer was in. His face was red; his hair slicked back from his face with sweat from his sprint through the jungle and his tirade against the hatch door. But what hit Jack most of all was the pain that was emanating from him, something almost palpable.

"Look Sawyer, I can go back inside the hatch and wait for you to knock yourself out against the door or you can listen to what I've got to say," Jack said slowly, being careful with his words.

Sawyer lunged forward again, but Locke was in the way. "How long has this been going on you son of a bitch? Bet you had a right laugh that the con man was getting conned all along," Sawyer spat out, his voice laced with fury, "the big hero, the good doctor. What a fucking laugh."

"You done now?" Jack said, "Got that out of your system? I'm not with Kate; we're not having some kind of illicit affair behind your back. I don't know why she's here anymore than you do."

Sawyer laughed bitterly, "You expect me to believe that?"

Jack sighed, "Frankly, I don't care what you believe Sawyer. All I know is that Kate turned up in a total state saying that she needs my help, but I can't know why. Do you have any idea what could be wrong with her?"

Sawyer attempted a cocky smile, but it turned into more than a grimace. "Not a clue Doc, but then maybe I never knew her very well at all..." He pauses while he wonders if he actually believes what he's saying. "I ain't leaving 'til I've seen her, talked to her, I deserve an explanation."

"Believe it or not I agree with you Sawyer. She swore to me that you've done nothing to hurt her and I believe her. Despite what you may think I know you care about her," Jack replied, feeling vaguely uncomfortable that he was saying this to Sawyer.

"Then why are you helping her hide from me?" Sawyer said, the pain evident in his eyes.

"Because if I don't help her and hide her here, who knows where she'll run off to? She told me the only reason she came here is because if she ran off into the jungle she knew you wouldn't rest until you found her."

Sawyer sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, suddenly feeling exhausted. He looked up at Jack, "You know I ain't leaving here until I've seen her."

"I know," Jack replied, "but she's refusing to see you let alone speak to you. But I told her if I couldn't get you to leave then she had to at least speak to you on the other side of this door."

"That ain't good enough, I've got to see her face."

"That's the best I can do Sawyer. I'm worried about her, she turned up displaying symptoms of shock; she's acting completely irrationally. I think we've got to do this on her terms if we're going to ever find out what's going on."

Sawyer frowned, "I don't like any of this, something feels so wrong..."

"I know it does, but do you agree? Will you stay on this side of the door when I open it to go inside and get her?"

"I guess I don't have a choice," Sawyer said begrudgingly.

Jack looked at Locke who was standing behind Sawyer, "I think we'll be alright now John, but thanks."

Locke looked at Sawyer who was staring at the ground, obviously deep in thought and nodded, retreating into the woods.

Jack turned and opened the door, stepping inside.

***

Kate was still sitting in the same place as she had been when Jack had left. Staring into space as if she was listening to something no one else could hear.

"Kate," Jack said. She didn't look up. "Kate," Jack said with more force.

Kate blinked a few times as if waking from a deep sleep and then looked up, "Is he gone?"

"No Kate, he's not gone. But he's agreed to stop trying to get inside if you'll speak to him through the outer door..."

Kate looked panicked, "No Jack, I can't..."

"Yes Kate, you can," Jack said. "He's not going away until he has spoken to you and eventually someone else is going to come for their shift and I'm going to have to open the door and then he'll make you speak to him."

"But you don't understand..."

"I understand that you've left him without no word of explanation, and that's all I need to understand to know you owe him an explanation."

Kate was quiet for a few moments, as if she was considering what to do. "Okay," she said quietly...

***

Sawyer paced outside the door to the hatch, wondering what was taking so long. His stomach was a knot of nerves and he was contemplating beginning to start banging on the door again when he heard Kate's voice.

"I'm here Sawyer."

Sawyer kneeled on the ground against the hatch.

"Kate?"

"Yes, it's me. Jack said you wanted to speak to me."

Sawyer laughed in disbelief. "Of course I want to speak to you. What's going on Kate, what's happened?"

Kate paused for a moment. "Nothing's happened Sawyer..."

"Nothing's happened?! You've been acting strange for weeks and then today I come back to see your stuff gone and a note saying you've left me...why Kate? What's changed?"

Kate bit her lip, biting back a sob, trying to make her voice sound normal. "I'm sorry Sawyer, I can't tell you why, all you need to know is that it's over and that I'm sorry I've hurt you, but..."

"You're sorry you've hurt me?!" Sawyer shouted, pain creeping into his voice. "Don't lie to me Kate, if you were sorry you would tell me why this is happening!"

Kate put her hand over her mouth, fighting back the urge to just pull open the door and fall into his arms, knowing it would make her feel so much better.

You'll just be making things worse, a voice inside her mind said. Remember why you're doing this, it's for his own good.

"I just can't be with you anymore Sawyer, what we had was amazing but..."

"But what? You're telling me after everything that's happened between us, everything we've been through and done together that it's over just like that?"

"Yes," Kate said, tears streaming down her face.

"So that night in the hatch, you telling me about the real Sawyer and saving me from pulling the trigger of the gun that was against my head… All the secrets we shared, when we burned the objects from our pasts that were haunting us - all those things meant nothing to you?" Sawyer said, his voice beginning to break towards the end of his tirade.

"Of course they did..."

"Then why Kate, WHY? Why are you doing this to me? If it meant as much to you as it did to me then you couldn't be doing this," Sawyer could feel tears spill down his cheeks but he didn't care. The pain was so intense that it was choking him. He couldn't believe that this was happening.

"I'm sorry James, I'm so sorry..."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Sawyer screamed through the door. "Don't you dare ever say that name again. You made me think that I could be that man again, planting those ideas in my head. You bewitched me with your words and your body, but it wasn't good enough for you, he wasn't good enough for you...just like he wasn't good enough for them."

"Please Sawyer, please stop..." Kate was sitting crouched on the floor facing the metal door, both her hands pressed against it. She was sobbing now, great choking sobs that wracked her body.

Sawyer rested his head against his side of the door, he could hear what sounded like Kate crying and even amongst the incapacitating agony he was feeling, it still hurt part of him to hear it.

"Tell me you don't love me," Sawyer said, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. "Tell me you don't still love me Freckles and I'll leave you alone."

Kate felt like someone had punched her in the guts when he said those words; of course she loved him. She had never loved anyone or anything like she loved him. Could she say it, was she that low that she could lie to him about it? She had said those words and it had been a lie in the past, but she had needed to do it to survive. Had she not changed at all?

"See, I knew you couldn't..."

"I don't love you anymore Sawyer."

For an instant Sawyer thought he was going to pass out. Her words stabbed into him like a knife. He never thought she'd say it. He let the pain wash over him for a moment, waiting for her to take it back. But she didn't. He stood up and staggered into the jungle.

***

Kate had collapsed onto the floor, she couldn't think clearly, couldn't believe what she'd just done. What she'd just said to him. Her breath was coming out in choking gasps, her head banging.

Jack had been in the kitchen whilst this exchange had been going on, trying to give them some space, but he could hear Kate's throttling sobs and wished that there was something he could do to save them both this pain. The compassion he had felt for Sawyer earlier had surprised him. He got the impression that this was something Sawyer had played no part in. Something was going on with Kate that had caused this and he was going to find out what it was. He walked up to where Kate was lying and picked her up and carried her over to one of the bunk beds. He would try and help them; he owed them that much.


	46. Chapter 46

Sawyer staggered into the jungle, his head spinning.

"I don't love you anymore Sawyer."

All he could hear was Kate, his Freckles saying she didn't love him anymore. Nausea overwhelmed him, how could this be happening?

The pain that was coursing through him was unbearable, only comparable to that fated night almost thirty years ago.

You weren't good enough for her James, just like you weren't good enough for them.

He couldn't stop these self-deprecating voices. They were right, he hadn't been enough to keep her, just like he hadn't been a good enough son to keep his Momma from cheating on his Daddy, or been good enough to stop his Daddy blowing his brains out.

Yu were stupid to fall for her pretty words James; it was good of her to stay with you for as long as she did. What did I always tell you? Stay unattached! The minute you start feeling something you become weak. Look what you've been reduced to now.

He didn't even know if he was on the right path to the beach. He was vaguely aware that the light in the sky was beginning to dim and it would be dark soon, but he didn't care. At that moment all he could feel was the agony of losing her. Only some bizarre instinct of self-preservation he was barely aware of kept him putting one foot in front of the other, rather than sinking to the jungle floor and letting oblivion overtake him.

***

Kate hadn't resisted when Jack had placed her on the bunk bed and told her to get some rest, she had just lain down on top of the covers, curled herself into a ball and turned to face the wall.

Jack had checked on her a few times in the past hour and after going in there three times, only to find her pain filled eyes fixed on something he couldn't see, she had finally fallen into a fitful sleep.

Jack made himself a coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. He tried to think about it logically, as if Kate was a patient who had just come into his ER. What symptoms did she have? No signs of a physical injury, not that he had been able to check her out properly, but she didn't appear to be in physical pain. Okay, so it's a mental injury. Not so easy to diagnose.

She had come into the hatch displaying signs of shock - pale, clammy skin, dilated pupils, irrational behaviour. So something had shocked her, frightened her, something she'd just found out maybe?

Jack sighed and rubbed his eyes, running one hand over his head in an old gesture back when he had hair to run his hand through. He didn't know how to begin to make her tell him what had happened to her to produce such a severe reaction. He also couldn't work out how this newly discovered thing that had shocked or frightened Kate, related to Sawyer, why had it made her push him away, to the point of refusing to even see him? Sawyer obviously had no idea what it was about.

Sawyer. He couldn't help but feel sorry for what he was going through. He remembered back to when Sarah had told him she was leaving him for someone else, the pain he went through then. But something told him this was worse for Sawyer. He didn't know a lot about the man, but it did seem clear that his feelings for Kate were something new and not experienced previously.

For some reason Jack found himself thinking back to the time he and Sayid had tortured Sawyer. His complete lack of self-preservation, the way he almost delighted in the pain, had shocked and disturbed Jack, and he couldn't help but worry about this aspect of Sawyer's personality at a time like this.

"I'll check on him tomorrow," Jack thought to himself.

***

The branches whipped in Sawyer's face as he pushed his way through the trees to stumble onto the beach. Dusk had begun to settle in, and small campfires had sprung up across their little area of beach, little areas of light where small groups of people huddled around.

Sawyer walked over to his tent, still in a daze, ignoring the acknowledgements around him and went inside. The pain hit him so hard it felt like someone had winded him. His mind was bombarded with images of Kate lying naked in his arms, memories of how she felt and how she tasted so real it was almost as if she was right there. Then they were gone and the loss of her hit him all over again. For the first night in what seemed like forever, he was alone and it would be like that tomorrow, the day after and the day after that. He could feel the hot prick of tears in the corner of his eyes, and he quickly threw his makeshift bed out of the way and pulled open his stash, searching for something to distract him something to numb his pain and shut off his mind. His hand brushed a bottle and he pulled out a bottle of whiskey, absent-mindedly recognising the label and remembering he'd been saving this incredibly expensive bottle of whiskey for a special occasion.

A manic laugh burst forth from his lips. A special occasion? Well, it wasn't like he'd be having one of those anytime soon. He uncorked the bottle and fell down onto his aeroplane chair outside his tent. He put the bottle to his lips and took a long drink. He drank until the intoxicating liquid has scolded his throat, until he could feel it burning all the way down to his stomach. He pulled away from the bottle with a cough and lay his head back on the chair, feeling the familiar rush as the liquid worked its magic.

He stared out to sea as he took another gulp of the whiskey. There was no moon, making the waves seem almost black and as he watched them crash against each other he thought about how easy it would be to walk into those waves, to let them crash against him until...

He took another gulp of whiskey attempting to stop that train of thought. He turned his gaze to the fires that dotted the beach. He could see people sitting around them, hear the murmur of voices. In all his life he had never felt so completely and utterly alone.

Kate woke up and instinctively reached out to the other side of the bed for Sawyer. But instead of his warm, naked body, she was confronted with a cold, hard wall. She blinked slowly, momentarily confused, and then she remembered what she had done, what she had found out yesterday and she curled up into a tighter ball, the pain of it hitting her all over again.

What had she done? How on earth could this plan of hers work? She knew she couldn't stay in here forever.

You'll find a way, you always do, she told herself. You know you did the right thing, he would never be able to accept he had a child, it would be too much for him. Remember whom you're doing this for.

She took a deep breath, trying to listen to the voice inside her head, trying to tell herself that she was doing this for him and not for herself. Suddenly there was a soft knock at the door.

"Kate, are you awake?" Jack said, speaking on the other side of the door.

Kate inwardly sighed and contemplated faking sleep, but she was gasping for a drink and needed the toilet and she knew deep down she would eventually have to face his questions.  
She got up into a sitting position and put on her shoes.

"Yes, I am, I'll be out in a minute."

Jack didn't reply, and she could hear the sound of his footsteps, probably heading back to the main room.

Kate got up and quietly opened the door, she had no idea what time it was, or how long she had been asleep, but the hatch was silent and she felt like she didn't want to disturb it. She walked down the hallway into the bathroom, locked the door behind her and went over to the sink to splash water on her face. As she stood back up she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror above the sink and she was shocked by what she saw. Her skin was a sickly white, making her freckles seem darker and more pronounced than usual and there were massive shadows under her eyes, making her look like she hadn't slept in days. But what scared Kate the most of all was the look of weakness and vulnerability she saw in her eyes. She was used to being strong, to being in control, not feeling like she was going to break down at any second. She looked down at her abdomen before she realised what she was doing and tentatively laid her hand there. She couldn't feel any difference, no bump had begun to show, and part of her knew that she was being silly, that it was too early for her to be showing. Her heart began to  
beat faster, and despite the fact she felt so cold, sweat began to break out on her forehead. She was going to have a baby. She, Katherine Austen, murderer, thief, seductress, was going be a mother, was going to bring this helpless, tiny thing into the world.

She was glad she was near the toilet when nausea overcame her again, and after she had finished she sat down cross-legged, resting her head against the base of the sink, hoping that it was her eyes watering from being sick and not tears that were flowing. Crying this many tears in 24 hours was not something Kate was used to.

"Kate are you alright?" Jack asked, his voice appearing from the other side of the door.

"Yeah I'm fine, be out in a second," Kate replied, her voice shaking despite her best efforts to stop it.

"You don't sound alright," Jack replied, becoming concerned at what she was doing.

"I am, I was just a bit sick, that's all."

"You were sick?" Jack said, his voice getting louder, "Look, either come out now, or let me inside, I want to check if you're alright?"

"I'm fine, I'll be out in a minute," Kate replied, wanting to gather herself before he saw her.

"Look Kate, you came in here, displaying signs of shock asking me to keep you hidden in here, almost had me hit by Sawyer, then asked me to lie for you, without any explanation. I'm worried about you, open the door!"

Kate sighed, all she wanted was to be left alone, but she knew that at the moment she needed Jack on her side, so she gave in and unlocked the door. Jack frowned at her, as if he wasn't really expecting her to give in. He took a moment to take in her appearance and he got even more worried.

He contemplated grilling her with questions trying to get her to tell him what was going on, but upon seeing her he figured it would be better to try and get her to eat something first.

"Kate, you look exhausted. Will you let me make you some food?" Jack asked, biding his time. Kate just nodded and let him lead her into the kitchen.

Kate sat down at the table and watched as Jack pottered about in the small kitchen opening and closing cupboards. The whole scene felt so surreal, and Kate tried to gather her thoughts enough to think about what she was going to tell Jack. The part of her that was thinking rationally told her that eventually he'd have to know. He was the only doctor on the island, and who else was going to help her, it wasn't like she knew anything about being pregnant.  
Jack walked over to the table and put a sandwich and a glass of orange juice in front of her.

"You'll feel better if you eat this," Jack said gently as he sat down opposite her.

Kate felt a faint, bitter smile touch her lips, "Why do people always say that? Like a sandwich is going to make everything alright."

"Well, what is going to make everything alright?" Jack replied, looking intently at her.

"I don't know Jack, I don't know anything anymore," she said as she took a reluctant bite of her sandwich.

Jack was silent for a moment, trying to think of how to question her. He inwardly sighed. As many people had mentioned to him, his bedside manner sucked.

"Did you mean it?" Jack asked.

Kate looked up at him and frowned, "Mean what?"

"That you didn't love him anymore?"

Jack regretted saying it when he saw the look of utter anguish cross her face. Kate felt tears prick her eyes as the memory of her deceit hit her full force. She still couldn't believe she had lied to him like that, the fact that she was still capable of such utter, cold deception made her sick.

"Of course I didn't mean it!" Kate shouted, standing up so quickly she brushed the edge of the plate, sending it crashing to the floor with an echoing crash in the empty hatch.

"Then why did you say it?" Jack demanded, standing up as well.

"I had to," Kate replied, "I had to make him give up on me, to leave me alone..."

"Why? Why do you need him to believe it?" Jack said, his own voice rising to meet hers.

"I can't tell you!" Kate said, tears running freely from her eyes.

Jack moved to stand in front of her, taking her shoulders gently, "You can Kate, you can trust me, I promise. I can't help you, either of you until I know what's happened."

"I can't..." Kate protested, her voice breaking. If she didn't say it out loud, it wouldn't be real. Only she knew, and if only she knew then she could pretend it wasn't happening to her.

"Yes, you can. Please Kate, I want to help you, I need to help you."

Kate sank back down to the chair, the words coming out as a harsh whisper, so quiet Jack could hardly hear her, "I'm pregnant..."

***

Sawyer didn't know what time it was, and he didn't care either. The world was swimming around him, if he moved his head too quickly everything around him swayed. He raised the bottle to his lips and was vaguely aware that the bottle was almost empty. Panic managed to rise to the surface of his thoughts, stumbling through the strange numbness that had overcome him. If the whisky was almost finished, then he would sober up, if he sobered up then he would feel it again, the pain and the hurt, and he couldn't cope with it, he couldn't feel that again.

The horizon had begun to glow with the first signs of morning, a distant light banishing some of the dark. Before he could stop it, a memory hit him full force.

He was lying on the beach, wrapped in a blanket, with Kate wrapped around him. They had decided one night to have their own little camping trip, which Sawyer had pointed out at the time was amusing, since they camped ever night. But Kate had just smiled her dazzling smile at him, her secret Kate smile that only he got to see, and told him she'd make it worth his while. He had liked the sound of that.

Every night, every time they made love was amazing to him, but that night was in a world of its own. Her beautiful body bathed in the quiet glow of the fire, casting shadows of her lithe form around them, making her seem almost supernatural, some nymph bathed in fire and shadows, taking their passion to dizzying new heights.

The wild abandonment with which she ferociously rode him, taking him to the brink so many times, them slowing her rhythm to drive him insane until he moaned, begged and pleaded for release. Hours it seemed she rode him, making him feel so hard, so needing of release that he almost lost his mind. When she finally allowed him what he so desired, he came so hard his roar of pleasure seemed to almost rock the ground. Never had he felt so in tune with his body, her body, with the soft ground beneath him and the soft waves against the shore.

Afterwards they wrapped themselves in a blanket and in each other, lying together facing the ocean, watching the sunrise, when Kate had broken the silence.

"When I was young, I used to sleep outside a lot. My dad, Sam, had helped me build a tree house. It wasn't a very good one, really just a platform high up in the trees, with two walls because we never got to finish it. But I loved it because I could see over the tops of the houses, into the fields and woods around. When it got too bad inside, when Wayne and my Mom had an argument, or when he hit her, I'd creep out my bedroom window and climb up there and just lie and look at the stars until the sun rose, then I'd go back up to bed, so my Mom would never know I had left. It always comforted me somehow, because I knew no matter how scared I got in the dark, no matter how bad the nights were, that the sun would rise, that it would kill the darkness and things would be alright again, and for a while anyway, I would feel safe." Sawyer had been stunned for a moment, taken aback by her monologue. Neither of them talked about their past much, but when they did, it was always meaningful. Sawyer had rolled Kate onto her back and leaned on one elbow on his side, looking down at her.

"I love you so much Freckles."

"I love you too James."

Sawyer was crying, and hadn't even realised it. The sunrise held no joy for him, it wouldn't make anything better. All it signified for him was another day without her, and it would be like that the day after and the day after that...

What did he have to live for now? Revenge had prevented him from ending his miserable life long ago, but now he knew that his revenge was impossible. Kate had taken its place, she was all he had to live for, but now he had been cruelly stripped of her as well.

The light on the horizon had increased, turning the little piece of sky pink, casting a distant glow on the sea. Panic seized him again, the thought of the sun rising, the thought of another day without her was more than he could bear.

How could you have been so stupid? The tormenting voices in his head began again. You're not the kind of man women want to be with, you're the kind of man women want to fuck. That's all you're good for, that's all you've ever been good for. How did you think anyone could ever love someone as pathetic as you?

Sawyer desperately put the bottle to his lips, but there was nothing left. Sawyer threw the bottle away from him, and put his head in his hands.

Just what is the point of your pathetic life anyway? It's not like you contribute anything to the group, it's not like any of them actually give a shit about you. Even the one person who did doesn't want to know anymore.

Nothing could stop the voices in his head, nothing could stop them tormenting him with what he knew was right. He'd drunk the last of his supply of alcohol, he had nothing to help him numb the pain.

You know that's not true, the voice said, there's something left in your stash that can help you.

Sawyer turned in what felt like slow motion and looked inside his tent at his open stash. His eyes focused on the statue laying there, the peaceful face of the Virgin Mary staring up at him.

It would be so easy, just like before. It will wash away the pain like it never existed. You know it will.

Sawyer blinked several times slowly. Were these thoughts really in his head? Icy fear crept through him, the fear of doing something he'd sworn to himself he'd never do again.

The sun had begun to rise, the tip of it peeking over the water, promising another day filled with blue skies and calm oceans. But it was another day without her, and suddenly anything seemed better than sitting watching that sunrise. Anything seemed better than trying to pretend he could go on living here without her by her side. How can you live once you've been cast out of heaven? How can you live knowing you were given everything you ever dared to dream about and more and then watched while it had been taken away from you?

As if in a dream he sluggishly got to his feet, barely hindered by the fact the whole world was swaying at a sickening speed. The flap of his tent seemed to almost part for him, making it even easier for him to make his way to his stash. He fell to his knees, and fought the rising nausea.

He rummaged around in his stash, only vaguely aware of what he was doing. It was as if someone else had taken over his body, like he was on auto-pilot. His hands shook as he brushed the syringe he was looking for, lying amongst some of the medicine he had taken from Jack's medical stash at the Hatch. He clasped it in one hand and laid it in front of him. His eyes strayed to the Virgin Mary statue, her calm face staring back at him. He picked it up and stared at it; almost reluctant to smash it, to break her calm gaze. An ironic smile graced his lips. It had been almost 30 years since he'd stepped inside a church, why were his old beliefs from Sunday school haunting him now? Where was God on that fateful night? Where was God all those years he was passed between children's homes? Where was God when he took all the beatings, all the pain that was dished to him?

He smashed the statue with more force than was necessary and removed the broken porcelain from around the plastic wrapped bundle within. He slowly reached for it and held the heroin in the palm of his hand. He picked up the metal spoon that was lying on a plate by the edge his tent and poured some of the powder onto the spoon. A small voice in the back of his head told him he should pay attention to how much he was putting in, but it was easy to ignore with all the other voices egging him on.

Like he had done all those years ago he added some water to the mixture and heated it for a while with his lighter, until the mixture dissolved. The last time he had done it, had been such a long time ago, but the memories came flooding back, making it almost too easy.

He sucked the mixture up into the syringe and laid it gently down beside him. His fingers fumbled as he struggled to undo his belt and pull it out of his jeans. He rolled up his shirtsleeve and put the belt round his arm, just above the elbow like he had been taught to do. His vision clouded for a moment as he tried hard to focus on a vein, his stomach lurching, the reality of what he was about to do setting in.  
The sun had begun to spill light through the flap of his tent, chasing back the shadows that danced before him. The same thoughts went through his consciousness again. He didn't want those shadows chased away, he didn't want the day to come, he didn't want to face another day without her, not yet, the pain was too raw, too jagged.

He picked up the syringe and tried to steady his shaking hand. He focused on one bulging vein and drove the needle home, putting it sideways into his vein.

He welcomed the sharp pain as the needle pieced his skin, physical pain he understood and he welcomed it. He drew the needle out and discarded the belt as the initial rush hit him, flowing through his veins like liquid silk. He stumbled out of his tent and his legs gave way, causing him to collapse onto his aeroplane seat. He sat there with his eyes shut, basking in the feeling of everything that hurt him washing away. Nothing hurt now, nothing tormented him. He felt peaceful and content.

He traveled back to that memory of Kate, watching the sunrise as he held her tight in his arms. He watched how the sun burst forth, casting a white glow over the calm blue ocean. Orange and pink graced the sky, but nothing was as beautiful as the woman in his arms.

The sun had cast a glow over her, almost as if it was illuminating her skin. Her hair was tousled around her, set free from its usual constraint. She was smiling as she lay there, wrapped in his arms, and it transformed her usual beauty into something spectacular. He loved watching her when she smiled. He had everything he could ever want; he was the happiest man in the world, because nothing else mattered to him, as long as he could be with her forever.

The sun rose, but Sawyer couldn't see it anymore. His eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow. Anyone walking past would have remarked on how peaceful he looked, how content, like he was having a nice dream.

In his mind Kate was kissing him, her soft lips worshiping his with their touch.

Anything was worth this; any sacrifice was worth it if he could feel her lips on his like this again, like she had never left him.

A smile appeared on his lips as he slowly slipped away.


	47. Chapter 47

"You can't tell him Jack, you've got to swear to me that he won't ever know,"  
Kate had told him, her voice thick with desperation.

Jack shook his head and sighed, "You can't keep this from him Kate, it's not  
fair. Plus, it's soon going to be impossible. What are you going to do, hide  
in here for nine months, not let anybody see you then pretend you randomly  
found a baby in the woods?" Jack got more exasperated with each word. He  
couldn't understand her logic, or why she was acting this way.

"You don't understand," Kate replied, "there is no way he will ever be able  
to cope with this. He doesn't ever want to be a father, Jack. He doesn't  
ever want to have the responsibility, not because he hates children, but  
because he's too afraid of hurting it. Too afraid of messing it up just like  
his father did…" Kate trailed off, knowing that she shouldn't be telling  
Jack this. Only she knew the details of Sawyer's traumatic childhood, and  
she thought Sawyer would want to keep it that way.

"I don't know what he's been through Kate, and I don't expect you to share  
his secrets with me. But believe me when I say I know something about the  
fear of following in your father's footsteps." Jack paused for a moment,  
choosing his words carefully. "There comes a time when you've got to try and  
let those fears go, its not easy and I don't even think I've totally  
mastered it yet. Sawyer is a good man, he may not think he is and he might  
try and prove to everyone otherwise, but I know deep down he is. I've seen  
the way he looks at you Kate, the adoration in his eyes. You can't love  
someone like he loves you and be an evil person, not when you have that much  
capacity for love."

Kate had listened to his speech quietly, taking in what he said, but she  
couldn't allow herself to believe his words, if she did she would run back  
into Sawyer's arms, and she'd promised herself she'd try to be strong,  
reminded herself that she was doing this for him.

"I've seen first hand the pain love can cause Jack, the kind of mad  
adoration you're speaking about, and it's not always a good thing. It makes  
you put up with things you shouldn't, makes you do stupid things because you  
can't live without that person." She thought back to every time her mother  
had come into her bedroom at night, every time she had tried to cover a new  
bruise or a new mark that Wayne had done to her. It had been love that had  
kept her Mom with Wayne, adoration that had made her accept it every time he  
hit her.

"What if you're right and Sawyer stays with me and accepts the baby because  
he loves me so much, just like you say. What if it tears him apart little by  
little every day, knowing that he has created life, knowing that he is  
responsible for it and how it is brought up? He may put up with it for me,  
but it doesn't mean it won't damage him. I hate what I've had to do, but  
I've done it for him."

Jack shook his head, amazed at the level of denial Kate was going through.  
"You're doing this for yourself Kate, not for him. You're doing it because  
you're terrified, and if he doesn't know then you can pretend it's not real.  
I think what you're scared of the most is him accepting it, of being so  
attached to him and the baby. You're scared of finally having something to  
tie you down, finally having something to prevent you running away."

Kate shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. "No, it's not true Jack,  
I'm doing it for him…"

"Think of the damage you're doing to him," Jack interrupted, raising his  
voice. "Think of what he is going through right now, not knowing why any of  
this is happening, feeling worthless because he wasn't good enough for you.  
It is cruel Kate, if you loved him, if you truly loved him like you say you  
do then you would go to him and tell him the truth, you would stop being a  
coward and face what you are most scared of."

Kate sank back down to the chair and began to sob. As much as she hated to  
admit it she knew Jack was telling the truth and forcing her to listen to  
what she had been trying to shut out. The little voices in her head that had  
been trying to reason with her appeared again, chasing away the doubt. What  
has she done? How could she have been so selfish? She had told him she  
didn't love him anymore, not because she was doing what was best for him,  
but because she was so petrified of what was growing inside her.

Jack sat down next to her. "I'm sorry for being harsh Kate and I understand  
why you did it, but it's time to put it right."

Kate nodded, wiping away tears, "I should go now, go sort it out. What am I  
going to say to him? I wouldn't be surprised if he never wanted to see me again."

"Well, I've got to go to the beach anyway to check on a few things. I'll  
tell him you want to speak to him, explain that you found out something  
important and freaked out about it. I'd rather you not trek across the  
jungle anyway," Kate glared at him, "not because you're pregnant, but  
because you're still so weak. You'll have more privacy here anyway."

"Okay," Kate agreed, suddenly feeling exhausted. If Jack brought him here  
then they could speak properly and it would give her time to think about  
what she could say and do to try and make things alright again.

***

Claire has woken early, Aaron had suddenly woke up crying and she couldn't  
seem to quiet him. It was almost as if something was troubling him. She  
recognized all his different cries, the "I'm hungry" cry or the "I need a  
change cry" or the "I just want some attention cry." But this one was  
different, more urgent.

"Something's still bothering him then?" Charlie remarked as he walked back  
into their shelter with a plate of food for his and Claire's breakfast.

"Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with him. He's not due for a change, it  
isn't time for his feed...and his cry is different," Claire said with a  
frown. Something was wrong, she just knew it and obviously Aaron was picking  
up on it.

"Why don't we take him to see Sawyer?" Claire suggested. The sound of his  
voice soothed Aaron usually for some reason.

Charlie frowned, "I don't know if that's a good idea love, he was acting  
really weird last night, even for Sawyer."

"Well even if he's grumpy or something at least he'll be speaking," Claire  
remarked. "Surely it's worth a shot."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Charlie agreed and he placed the plate on  
Claire's bed and they walked the short distance between their tent and  
Sawyer's.

They could just see the top of his head above the back of the aeroplane  
seat, the early morning sun shining on his blonde hair almost like a halo.  
One arm had flopped over the side of the chair, his palm facing the sky.

"Hey Sawyer," Claire said with a smile as they walked in front of the seat.  
Sawyer didn't reply.

"He must still be asleep," Charlie said, and then he noticed the empty  
bottle lying in the sand beside him, "Obviously decided to have a private  
party last night."

Claire sighed, "I guess we shouldn't wake him, he'll probably need the  
sleep."

Charlie turned and stared at Sawyer, something niggling at him that he  
couldn't quite work out. "He doesn't look right," Charlie said, frowning.

"Well if he drank all of that whisky to himself last night," Claire said  
examining the bottle, "then I'm not really surprised."

"No, that's not it," Charlie said, icy fingers of fear beginning to creep up  
his spine. He knew where he'd seen someone look like this before. He'd been  
at one of his brother's wild parties back when Driveshaft was at it's most  
popular, he'd seen his brother panicking, leaning over his latest  
'girlfriend' trying to get her to wake up.

Charlie touched Sawyer's forehead, and his hand came back cold and clammy.  
He leaned closer to him and could see the slight blue tinge to his lips.

"Oh shit," Charlie swore as he tentatively opened Sawyer's eyelids and saw  
the pinpoint pupils. "You've got to get help Claire, we've got to find  
Jack!"

"What's wrong Charlie," Claire said, alarmed to see him to panicked

"He's OD'd, I don't know where he bloody got it from or how he took it, but I've  
seen this before Claire, and he needs a doctor, now!" Charlie pulled back  
Sawyer's sleeve and checked his pulse. It was there but it was slow and  
thready. "He's got a pulse, so it's not too late, go, quick find someone!"

Claire didn't question him further, she just ran as fast as she could with  
Aaron in her arms. She saw Sun and Jin first, just coming out of their tent.

"I need help," Claire said, "Sawyer's ill, Charlie thinks he's taken an  
overdose and I need to find Jack. Can you help me find him?"

Sun quickly repeated what Claire had said to Jin in Korean and he nodded and  
ran off into the jungle.

"Jin will go find him," Sun assured her. She quickly went back into her tent  
again and reemerged a moment later with an armful of various herbs Claire  
didn't recognize. "I will try and help him as best I can until Jack gets  
here."

***

Jack walked through the woods trying to clear his head. So much had happened  
in such a short time and Kate's news had shocked him. Another baby, another  
pregnancy on the beach and as the only doctor it was up to him to monitor  
how both mother and baby were doing. Without the proper facilities it wasn't  
going to be easy, but then women had been giving birth for thousands of  
years before hospitals were invented.

But think of the amount who died in childbirth.

Jack ignored that voice. That wouldn't happen, Kate would be fine, the baby  
would be fine, and so would Sawyer. He took a moment to wonder how that made  
him feel. Was he jealous of Sawyer? Did he still desire to be with Kate? He  
didn't think so. Yes, he loved her, he was sure of that, but the nature of  
the love had been hard to pin down. He didn't have any brothers or sisters;  
in fact he only had one cousin he barely knew. His childhood was lonely, it  
wasn't like he could bring anyone back to the house and his father couldn't  
be trusted. In the privacy of his own home Christian Sheppard could be as  
drunk as he liked, without having to worry what anyone thought.

It wasn't like he didn't have friends though, or that he wasn't popular at  
school. He was the son of a rich and successful doctor, he did brilliantly  
in class and was on all the sports teams, but he had never had anyone who  
really knew him, never had a friend he felt could understand him and who he  
could relate to. Bizarrely, it was only when he crash landed on a desert  
island that he found anyone he could truly call friends and they came in the  
form of a beautiful fugitive, and as much as he hated to admit it, a conman.

Jack smiled to himself at that thought. Who would have thought after  
everything that had happened between him and Sawyer that he would consider  
him a friend? Though in many ways he wasn't really surprised, they had both  
been drawn to the same girl, both opinionated and wanting to get one up  
on each other.

All he wanted right now was to get the two of them back on track. If he had  
ever seen two people who deserved each other it was Kate and Sawyer and it  
was a relief to finally admit that to himself. He figured he had known this  
for a long time, ever since he saw the look on Kate's face when Mr. Eko had  
appeared with Sawyer almost lifeless body slung over his shoulder. For a  
moment there was pure fear on her face and Jack had seen that look a  
million times when his patients loved ones had rushed into the ER after  
receiving the news that someone they loved had been injured.

Jack's thoughts were interrupted by a rustling in the bushes to the left of  
him and the sounds of someone running. Before he had time to even think  
about drawing his gun, Jin came bursting out of the bushes.

"Jack!" he said, gasping for breath, "Sawyer, hurt, very bad!" Jack froze and panic gripped him. Why hadn't he listened to his instincts  
last night? He was almost certain Sawyer had done something to himself; he  
just hoped he wasn't too late.

"Let's go," Jack said and ran towards the beach, praying to anyone who was  
listening that there would be something he could do.

***

After pacing the hatch several times trying to work out what on earth she  
was going to say to him, Kate had sank down onto the sofa and sleep had  
eventually gotten the better of her.

She was dreaming of a little girl with blonde curls and blue eyes with a  
smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Sawyer was sitting cross  
legged in nothing but pair of jeans helping the little girl build a  
sandcastle. Though as Kate approached them, she could see the little girl  
had grown board of building the sandcastle and had decided putting sand in  
Sawyer's hair was a much more amusing activity. Sawyer jumped up, pretending  
he was outraged and proceeded to chase the little girl down to the sea,  
unable to hide the smile on his face.

Kate laughed and walked faster towards them, and then in the blink of an eye  
they were gone. Panic overwhelmed her, where had they gone? Had they gone  
too deep in to the sea? Where had the sandcastle gone? She couldn't see them  
anywhere; any sign of them, even their footprints in the sand had vanished.  
The pain of their loss was greater than anything Kate had ever known…

Kate woke up with a start and could feel the tears wet on her cheeks. She  
knew something was wrong.

***

Jack burst through the trees onto the beach, and could see the crowd  
already. He rushed towards them, his heart hammering in his chest. The crowd  
parted for him and the relief on their faces didn't help calm his nerves.  
They all expected him to fix this, what if he couldn't? He ignored that  
thought.

Sawyer was lying on his side, facing away from him, and Jack momentarily  
wondered why he had been put like that. He's in the recovery position, you  
idiot, he told himself, pull yourself together, you're going to be no good  
for him in this state.

"What's happened?" Jack asked, "What has he done to himself."

"I think he's taken an overdose," Charlie said, standing up. He had been kneeling beside Sawyer, memories of all the terrible things he had seen  
drugs do to people over the years running through his mind.

"How do you know?" Jack replied, trying to switch into doctor mode, "Have  
you found what he's taken?"

Charlie looked away, towards the ocean, "I've seen this happen to someone  
before, it's a heroin overdose, I'm sure of it."

Jack nodded, "Okay, look in his tent, try and work out how much he's taken."

Charlie got up and disappeared into Sawyer's tent. Jack looked at Sawyer  
properly for the first time. His skin was cold and clammy and Jack could  
hear his labored breathing. He opened his eyelids and he had pinpoint  
pupils.

Charlie came out of Sawyer's tent, carrying the equipment in his hands and  
he kneeled beside Jack. "It's hard to tell how much he's taken, but he knew  
what he was doing. He's at least seen someone shoot up before or done it  
himself. One statue is smashed and just one of the packets has been opened,  
but he took a lot of it."

Jack cursed under his breath, "Do you think he took that much deliberately,  
or would he not have known how much to take?"

Charlie sighed, "If you mean do I think he did it deliberately, I just don't  
know." Charlie picked up the empty bottle of whisky that was still lying on  
the floor, "Maybe in the state he was in he didn't realize. Do you think you  
can help him?"

Jack looked down at Sawyer and told the truth, "I just don't know. Without  
the proper equipment to monitor his vital signs, the right drug to  
counter-act the heroin..." Jack trailed off, his mind switching to Kate and  
her baby all of a sudden, "But he has a lot to live for, a lot to fight for.  
I've got to get him to the hatch, get Jin, Hurley anyone who can help to get  
four strong sticks and make a stretcher. The sooner we get him there the  
better."

Charlie took one last look at Sawyer, "Okay, we'll try and be as quick as  
possible."

Jack looked down at Sawyer and terror momentarily ran through him. What if  
he couldn't do it? What if he couldn't save him?

***

Kate hadn't known what to do with herself since her dream. The images and  
the feeling the dream created wouldn't leave her and she found herself pacing the hatch, trying to find tasks to occupy her mind. But the feeling  
of unease wouldn't leave. A few times she had headed towards the door,  
unable to keep still any longer, only to pull herself back and tell herself  
she was being silly.

She had decided to clean the kitchen to keep herself occupied; taking her  
agitation out on the kitchen surfaces and the oven seemed a more productive  
pursuit. She tried to focus on each individual spot, getting it as clean as  
possible, trying to unwind the bundle of nerves that had taken over he  
stomach.

She had never really brought into psychics, dream interpretation or anything  
as unreliable as that. She was a practical person who believed in what she  
could see, what she could touch. But she just couldn't shake the feeling  
that something was wrong and the more she tried to occupy  
her mind with mundane activities, the more the feeling nagged at her. She  
threw the cloth down on the side and sank to the floor, her back leaning  
against the counter.

She was pregnant. She still couldn't quite believe it. This tiny thing was  
growing inside her, relying on her to take care of it. She hadn't done a  
very good job so far, pitching a fit and then alienating the father of her  
child. But things would change, she'd make it alright with Sawyer, make him  
understand why she did it. She didn't know how he would react to the news  
but she knew somehow she had to make it right with him. It was time for her  
to grow up once and for all.

Feeling a little bit better, Kate decided to wash her hands and clean  
herself up a bit in the bath room. She figured if she looked good it might  
soften Sawyer a bit. One thing that worked to her advantage was the  
incredible spark between them; when together it was hard not to close that  
distance and touch each other, to make up again just so they can loose  
themselves in each others embrace. Kate looked up at herself in the mirror.  
She was still quite pale, but at least she had some colour back in her  
cheeks. She looked like herself again; the hurt, wounded look in her eyes  
that has unnerved her so much had gone.

Suddenly Kate heard footsteps and voices and her stomach fluttered with  
nerves. He was here, she had to face him and explain what happened. With a  
deep breath and one final look in the mirror Kate opened the bath room door  
and stepped out. But nothing could have prepared her for what she saw.

Jack looked up and saw Kate appear from the hallway and his heart fell as he  
saw her take in the sight before her. The colour instantly drained from her  
face and Jack could see her hands shaking. Her eyes were wide and  
unblinking; as if she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing was real.

The world seemed to tilt for a second as Kate stared in horror at the sight  
before her. Sawyer lay slumped in a stretcher, his tanned skin a sickly  
shade of white. She could see his body convulsing before her and a thin  
sheen of sweat covering his face.

"Take him in the bedroom," Jack said to Charlie, Hurley, Jin and Sayid.

Kate couldn't move for a second, couldn't even breathe. Jack walked away  
from the stretcher and stood in front of her.

"What happened?" Kate managed to say, her voice barely about a horse  
whisper, still unable to move. Part of her wanted to run to Sawyer and throw  
her arms around him, to comfort him and try and make it better. But she  
couldn't move, she was frozen to the spot because deep down she knew this  
was her fault.

Jack took Kate's shoulders gently and made her look at him so he could tell  
what he was about to say would get through to her. "Kate, he's taken an  
overdose. I'm assuming it's heroin..." Jack stopped talking as he saw Kate  
take in what had happened. Her face froze but Jack could see the tears  
falling from her eyes.

Kate's feet gave out from under her, but as Jack was holding her shoulders  
he managed to ease her to the floor. Jack could feel her body shaking and he  
tried to keep himself together as he heard Kate give out an anguished cry.

"It's all my fault, it's all my fault. He tried to kill himself because of  
me. I'm going to loose him. I'm going to loose him because I'm a coward. I  
can't loose him, I can't live without him. I can't do this by myself..."

"I'm going to do every thing I can to help him Kate," Jack said as he  
kneeled in front of her. "I don't have the proper drugs, not the ones we  
would usually use at the hospital, but he's strong and he's got a hell of a  
lot to live for. He just needs to know that."

"Everyone I have ever cared for I've hurt Jack. I'm poison, everything I  
touch gets destroyed," Kate said, her voice barely above a whisper, her eyes  
distant as if she was staring at something that wasn't really there. "My  
mother, my father, Wayne, Tom, Kevin and now Sawyer...I shouldn't be allowed  
near anybody. It's all my fault. Everything, all my fault..."

Jack didn't know who she was talking about and didn't ask, but he knew she  
was Sawyer's only hope. There truly was nothing medical he could do for  
Sawyer, other than monitor his vital signs and keep trying to give him  
fluids and food. Sawyer might fight the drug from his system and wake up, or  
he could slip into a coma, or...Jack didn't think about the other  
possibility. But he knew that Kate being there would make a difference. Jin  
and Michael had told him that the only thing that made Sawyer keep going  
after he was shot was Kate. They both knew it, even before he passed out and kept fitfully uttering her name. Jack was there when Sawyer asked for her in  
his sleep, when he told Jack he loved her, and she was there when he finally  
woke up.

"Do you remember what I said to you the first day we crashed? I said that we  
all get a clean slate in this place, for all intents and purposes we're  
dead, or at least the people who we used to be are dead. I know I haven't  
always treated you like your past doesn't matter, and for that I'm sorry,  
but Kate, it's not important anymore. You have a chance for a fresh start, a  
reason for being happy, a reason for putting your demons behind you. You  
have a man who loves you and a baby on the way. That is worth fighting for.  
The Kate I know wouldn't give up, she'd fight until there was nothing she  
could do and even then she would fight some more for good measure. You need  
to be with him, talk to him, tell him everything and I know he'll be able to  
hear you."

Kate looked up at Jack and desperately wanted to believe what he was saying.  
But what if she just did more damage? She didn't know how to take care of  
anyone, she couldn't even take care of herself. Her hand traveled down and  
she tentatively touched her abdomen. But she had to be strong, she had to do  
this for him and for the baby. She couldn't be scared anymore.

Kate took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She  
would be strong, she could do this.

Jack saw Kate try and pull herself together and he stood up, offering her a  
hand, which to his surprise she took and he helped her up. She took a deep  
breath and walked towards the bedroom, determined somehow to make things  
right.


	48. Chapter 48

Kate's heart hammered in her chest as she walked into the bedroom. So much had happened in the last 24 hours everything seemed unreal.

But it was real.

For the second time in the short time Sawyer had been in her life she was going to witness him in the grip of death, only this time it was her fault. She knew better than anyone in the world how deep Sawyer's self destructive streak ran, and yet she still broke his heart, hurt him in the worst possible way.

She barely saw the other figures in the bedroom, all her focus was on Sawyer. Her beautifully flawed James, lying fitfully in the bed.

She involuntarily let out a choked sob as she sank to her knees in front of the bed, not caring who could see or hear her.

Sayid, Jin and Sun looked at each other, unsure of what to do. Without speaking they left the room, Sun stroking Kate lightly on the shoulder, letting her know she would be here for her.

Kate's hand moved to Sawyer's forehead and she hesitated before touching him, afraid her touch would do him more harm. But finally her hand rested on his forehead, stroking it lightly, running her fingers down his face.

"James, it's Kate," she uttered, her voice barely a whisper at first. She looked for any change; for any sign of recognition, but there was none. He lay there shivering in front of her.

Kate could feel a tear rolling down her cheek and she wiped it away. She had to stay strong, she had to be strong enough for the both of them.

"I don't know if you can hear me, but I hope you can, because I've got so much I have to say to you." Kate continued, leaning closer. "I wish I wasn't a coward, I wish I wasn't so many things. I wish I didn't end up hurting everyone I cared about, but I do. And the more I care about them the more I seem to hurt them. I could make excuses for myself, I could blame it on a traumatic childhood, blame it on all the things I seemed to miss out on. But I chose this path, I was the one who decided to kill him. I was young, I couldn't comprehend what it would do to everyone around me, that it would destroy my life completely, that it would turn me into a person I never thought I could be."  
Kate searched his face. Searched for any sign of recognition, any sign that he was listening to her.

"I have done so much in my life I'm ashamed of. I've hurt everyone I ever loved, I've destroyed lives, I've broken up families. If I ever needed anything on the run, I'd find a man, manipulate him into helping me. Guess, old habits die hard huh, because that's exactly what I've done on this island too. Manipulated you, manipulated Jack, played my games with you both. But when I crashed on this island, when I realised that through some cosmic joke, after everything I've done, I've survived a plane crash, I had no idea I would find here everything I ever wanted."

Kate moved her hand down his arm and took hold of his hand.  
"I felt it you know, the moment you touched me, the moment you grabbed me and told me you'd been with girls like me before, I could feel it. The connection. I stared hard into your eyes and I saw beyond what you were saying and I could have sworn at that moment you saw me, truly saw me, not good old reliable Kate who wants to help everyone, but the real me, the one I tried so hard to hide. No one has ever done that James, no one has ever cared enough, never had the insight or the comprehension to truly see me for what I am. But you did almost straight away. And you know what terrified me the most? It didn't put you off. It only drew you to me more. And the more I tried to fight it, the more I tried to deny what was happening the more you were on my mind. Do you know how I felt when you left on that raft? I felt empty. I felt like part of me was missing, a part of me I wasn't even aware of before. And although we weren't together, or even lovers, just having you on that beach, just knowing that you were there everyday was enough."

Kate could feel tears running down her cheeks, but she didn't try and stop them now.

"That night in the hatch, the first time we made love was the most freeing experience I have ever had in my life. Because I wasn't Annie, Monica, Lucy or any other alias I've used time and time again. I was Kate, your Freckles and that was enough for you. You didn't ask for any conditions, didn't want anything in return, all you wanted was me, the real me. I have been so frightened of giving into you, of giving you everything, all my heart and holding nothing back. But I'm ready now, truly ready James, to give you everything. No more games, no more running. I'm just a woman sitting here, begging the man I love to wake up, to fight for what we have."

Kate moved her hand tentatively down to her abdomen, and laid her hand there.

"I was so afraid yesterday, so totally overwhelmed by it that I could barely move. I wanted so much for you to be there then, I wanted to let you be there for me, but I couldn't, I wasn't ready to admit to myself that this was truly happening to me, to us. But it is, and I'm ready now. James," she paused, him being unconscious not making uttering the words any easier. "I'm pregnant."

She moved closer to him, her face barely an inch away from his, looking for a sign, looking for anything to register recognition. For a brief moment she thought she saw his eye lids flutter, but then nothing. With a sob she collapsed onto him, her tears running onto his bare chest. Why had she thought the news would wake him up? This wasn't a Hollywood love film, this was real life, she should know by now that life doesn't work like that. But it didn't make the pain any more bearable. She had done this to him, what if he didn't wake up? She knew she couldn't do this without him, didn't want to do this without him?

"James, wake up, please wake up," Kate pleaded, her choked sobs obscuring her words, "I can't do this by myself!"

The world began to swim and the starch, sterile wall of the bedroom began to blur. She couldn't breathe, couldn't get enough air into her lungs to keep up with the sobs. Her knees gave out from under her and she sank to a heap on the floor, the world becoming more and more of a blur.

Jack, Sun and Jin had been standing in the kitchen, all too worried to feel awkward about standing there and listening to Kate's sobs. Jack had left the door open slightly, still worried about Kate's health and not wanting her to be totally on her own. His fears had been justified as he heard a loud wail from Kate and the distinctive sound of someone falling to the floor he rushed back into the room , closely followed by Sun.

Kate lay on the floor, gasping for breath, seeming unable to grasp what was happening to her. Her cheeks were soaked with tears and her eyes wide with fright. Jack ran over to her and lifted her to take her out of the room. Kate must have realised what he was going to do because her head began to manically shake as if to say 'no' and her arms flailed, groping desperately to hang on to Sawyer.

"Okay, it's okay Kate, I won't move you, we'll stay right here, but you have to calm down, you have to breathe Kate!" Jack sank back down and lifted Kate so she was half sitting, half leaning against the bed. Jack grasped for something to do, something to say to try and calm her down, to try and make her see it would be alright, But he couldn't.

Sun moved closer to Kate and sat beside her, taking Kate's hands in hers and looking straight into her eyes.

"When Jin and I had been married almost two years, he was late home one night. I rarely knew exactly when he'd be home, but the latest I would have expected him had come and gone and my worry increased with each passing hour. Jin worked for my father, he made him...do things he wasn't proud of, dangerous things. My father is not a good man and he sent the man I loved on increasingly more dangerous jobs. I knew this as I sat there, knew all the things that could be being done to him, all the things he could be being forced to do to other people and my mind just wouldn't stop, wouldn't give me any release from it. More and more time passed, and I began to think the worst, began to start imagining just what my life would be like without him, and the thought terrified me beyond belief, I couldn't see a future without him in it. Then the door opened and in he walked, beaten and bruised, but alive and back in my arms and my worry, all the pain I had gone through waiting for him to come back to me vanished in the sheer relief of having him in my arms. The same will happen for you Kate. Sawyer will be well again, his body is resting, healing him, but he will return to you. He loves you and he will love your baby and this pain you're feeling now will be a distant memory, only there to remind you about just how precious what you have is."Jack sat by, mesmerised by the effect Sun's calm, slow voice had on Kate. Slowly her breathing slowed down and her eyes began to focus on Sun and listen intently to what she was saying. Jack smiled to himself, grossly aware of his main failing as a doctor, his ability to connect with people, to make them feel better. He hoped it was something he could change.

"Now, you need to eat Kate and then you need to rest," Sun said gently, "do you think you can do that, if not for yourself then for him. When he wakes up you'll be no good for him ill and wasted away."

Kate turned to look at sawyer and took his hand in hers. "I don't want to leave him," Kate said, her voice small and horse.

"I will stay here with sawyer while you go into the kitchen and let Jack cook you something to eat. He so much as moves and I will call you. Then when you get back Jin will help Jack move the mattress from the top bunk down and you can sleep beside him. Okay?"  
Kate thought for a moment, then nodded her head, too tired to argue and Jack helped her up from the floor. Kate took one last glance at sawyer before following Jack out of the room.

"What do you want to eat?" Jack asked, trying to keep his tone upbeat. He desperately wanted to try and calm Kate down, he knew all the stress she was going through wasn't good for the baby, and with everything both mother and child would have to go through on the island, jack couldn't help but be worried. Although Claire had given birth on the island, she has been heavily pregnant when they had arrived here, she'd had scans and check ups, jack didn't know how he was going to be able to monitor the baby's health and progress. Without a scan he couldn't even determine how far along Kate was.

Jack sighed and pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, focusing on worrying about the present rather than the future.

"I don't mind," Kate replied, sitting down at the small table and leaning on her elbows, her emotions so over the place she didn't know how she was feeling.

"How about pasta?" Jack asked, "I'm pretty sure I saw some sauce in the store room."

"That sounds fine," Kate replied not looking up. As Jack walked out the room to she looked around the small kitchen and living room of the hatch.

Memories of her first night with sawyer came rushing back. Memories of drinking whiskey and dares and dancing and passion. She truly hadn't realised then how much of a part of her Sawyer would become, how being apart from him, not talking or laughing with him just made her world so much less bright.

Jack walked back into the room and saw Kate, hunched over the table. He put the container of sauce on the side and went to sit opposite her on the table.

Kate was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't notice Jack sitting in front of her until he tentatively touched her arm. She looked up and couldn't help but utter her biggest worry. "How am I going to do this without him?"

Jack sighed, he wished he was better at this sort of thing, better at comforting people, relating to their emotions.

"Sawyer will wake up Kate, other than you, he's the most stubborn person I have ever met. But until he does, you know you're not alone. You have friends here Kate, a family, and no one is going to let you do this by yourself," Jack looked away, slightly embarrassed at having this kind of conversation with her. She smiled weakly at him in thanks, wishing his words could offer the comfort that they meant. But the fact was, she didn't want to do this without Sawyer.

Kate had managed to eat some of the pasta Jack cooked for her, she wants hungry, but she went through the motions. Sun had been as good as her word, she sat with Sawyer until Kate got back and asked Jin and Jack to help lower the mattress from the top bunk so she could lay beside him.

It took Kate a longtime to fall asleep that night. She lay on her side, facing him, watching him, watching for any change or movement.

Jack had checked on him before she has climbed into bed, he said his colour had improved and his breathing gone back to normal. They were positive signs, but Kate knew that Jack was in the dark as to what to do, how to gage just how much damage Sawyer had done to himself.

There was so much she wanted to talk to him about, so many of her fears she wanted him to hear, but she couldn't bare him not replying, not saying anything to comfort her. It was bad enough lying in bed with him without his arms around her, without his tossing and turning and stealing all the covers. He was a noisy sleeper and having him so quiet, so still beside her was in many ways un-nerving.

Finally she had moved his arm and placed it around her shoulders, laying her head on his chest.

"Night James," she whispered against his chest, "I love you so much. I just hope it's enough to make you come back to us."

She lay there for a while after that, one hand resting against her abdomen, one hand against his chest, taking comfort in the sound of his steady breathing and the rise and fall of his chest, until slowly the trials of the day overtook her and she fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	49. Chapter 49

Darkness overwhelmed him. Deep, thick darkness with no hope of light. In the darkness there were shapes, they moved as if they were alive and every time the shapes became almost recognisable they would twist and change and contort into something else.

He could hear voices, but they were far away, as if he was at the end of a deep tunnel and only the faint echo reached his ears.

Am I dead? Was the first coherent thought he had. Is this what death is like? Am I in hell just like I always knew I would be?

He didn't know. He couldn't remember how he got here. He felt a great sense of loss, but couldn't quite grasp why.

As his strength seemed to slowly return to him, so did his sense of awareness and he realised he was lying on his back on a hard, jagged, wet surface. He put out his hands to push himself up, but pulled them back in revulsion when he felt the sticky, fluid like substance they came back covered in.

He fought his sense of revulsion and pushed himself up, unwittingly connecting his head with something cold and hard above him. Cursing to himself, he reached up to touch his head, but couldn't survey the damage, his hands already covered in what could easily be cold, dead blood.

He reached up with his hands, trying to avoid injuring himself further by finding out what he had just hit, and an overwhelming sense of panic seized him as he realised his head had connected with the top of what he imagined was some kind of tunnel. His breathing became more and more erratic as he reached out with his hands to work out the space he was in, the darkness so thick and unnatural that he couldn't even make out the shape of his hand in front of his eyes. Everywhere he reached he hit cold, jagged rock. He shuffled down, kicking out his feet, and a small scream left his lips when his feet also connected with stone. His limbs thrashed of their own accord, desperately searching for space, for some kind of outlet, for anything that would counter his terrifying thoughts.

I'm in a tomb. I'm dead and rather than bury me they've walled me up in stone, Sawyer realised, a strange sense of clarity hitting him. But if I'm dead, why am I still here, why can I still think, still move? This can't be right, this can't be what happens when we die, that we live forever, trapped in our bodies, unable to leave out final resting place.

His body began to convulse, fear overwhelming him as his mind began to play out scenarios, wondering how long it would be before he tried to bash his own skull in, anything to silence his thoughts, to stop his terrified, tormented existence.

There was no way to sense time, nothing to count away the apparent, never ending agony of lying in the dark, wondering how you can still be breathing in such a small enclosed space. Tears escaped from eyes as he silently cried at the sense of loss that he felt, at the sheer futality of his situation. His last thought before he prepared to hit his head as hard as was possible in the small space on the sharpest, most protruding rock above him, was that he wished he could remember how he got there, wish there could be some explanation at the sadness he felt. But at least he would be ending it one way or the other. With one last deep breath, he sat up with all his might preparing himself for the last pain before it ceased forever.

His head never made contact with the cruel rock. All of a sudden he was sitting upright and the suffocating blackness was replaced by a blinding light, so bright it was all he could see, so bright that even when he shut his eyes against the sudden searing pain it made no difference.

Slowly the light began to dim enough that he could begin to make out his surroundings.

He recognised the bed, it was forever etched on his memory, as if someone had taken a knife and painfully and painstakingly carved every small detail in there. He knew what was coming next, it always played out the same. Lying there he waited for the gun shot, waited for the door to open, casting light on the light blue and green rug that lay on the floor by his bed before a pair of cowboy boots came into sight. Sawyer was vaguely aware that it felt different this time, that the wooden slates were closer to his face, that there seemed to be less room under here, but the focus of his attention was waiting for that gunshot, waiting for the events that changed his life for ever to endlessly replay in his mind.

But no shot sounded. Instead he watched in fear and confusion as his door slowly opened and a figure with a long, white, trailing skirt entered the room, the skirts making little or no sound against the wooden floor.

Sawyer lay there, confusion overwhelming him. This isn't how it happens.

"It's alright, James. Don't be afraid, you can come out now," a soft, gentle and strangely musical voice uttered.

Sawyer looked down in confusion and what he saw only added to this feeling. He looked down upon his black shirt, and blue jeans, his work worn hands resting against the floor. Whenever he had this dream he was seven again, in his blue pyjamas, but not this time.

Not knowing what else to do, Sawyer pulled himself out from under the bed , not surveying the figure in front of him until he was fully standing.

Her chestnut brown hair flowed in soft, shining waves to her waist, looking like something alive, moving with a life of it's own. Her pale skin had a luminescent quality and seemed to glow in the twilight of his room, only a few shades lighter than the flowing white bodiced dress that covered her body, touching the ground. Sawyer couldn't stop staring at her dress, more details appearing to him the harder he looked. As he turned his head a blue shimmer seemed to flow over it, illuminating a fine, almost transparent design of vines and leaves that covered it.

He fell to his knees involuntarily as he gazed upon her face, her beauty so awe inspiring it was all he could do not to sit there and weep. Her soft, full, pink lips were formed into a smile of eternal kindness and a smattering of freckles dusted her nose, as if someone had taken fine, golden stars and placed them on her face enhancing her almost supernatural beauty. It was her eyes that transfixed you, glowing as if they had all the secrets of the world locked within them, shining orbs of infinite beauty, every shade of blue flowing within them.  
They reminded him of his mother's eyes, the safeness he felt when he stared into them washing over him.

She looked like a goddess, an angel, she looked like everything good and pure in this world flowed through her veins. Just being near her made him feel like he was filled with white light, as if nothing could hurt or harm him.

He was so transfixed with this figure in front of him that he could barely form a coherent thought, all his mind could focus on was a great sense of awe and confusion. What was happening to him?

She gazed down at him, as if she knew what he was thinking and she slowly brought her arm down, taking his hand in hers and gesturing for him to stand up. Her touch felt electric, it filled him with a strange and comforting warmth as he slowly got to his feet. It seemed wrong gazing down at her, as if no one should be above her. Everyone should be kneeling, looking up, giving thanks to gaze upon such wonder and beauty.

"I..." Sawyer began, trying to make some sense out of this situation.

"Shhh," the figure uttered, her hand moving to lightly graze the side of his face, "I know you have questions, and a time will come where I can answer them, but not now. Now, you must follow me, you have a great decision to make, and not much time." Her voice was gentle, soothing, but underneath there was an edge of something hard and unyielding, the voice of someone you don't disobey and argue with, the voice of someone you obey or suffer the consequences.

Sawyer watched as she glided to the closed door, standing beside it waiting for him to follow. He walked towards her and she gestured for him to open the door. He did, walking through first, but he was confused at what he saw.

Instead of his kitchen he was standing in a small room, and it didn't take him long to realise what it was, a room of a cheap motel. Hell, he's been in enough of them over the years. The faded red curtain hung loosely over the only window, hanging down slightly in one corner, as if it had come away from the rail. He took a few steps into the room, looking around at the double bed in the middle of the room, with small, dirty bedside tables either side, each with a lamp on top, the shade covering them dark and decaying.

He turned around, a frown creasing his brow, looking for the mysterious woman, ready to ask her where was, what was he doing here? But she wasn't there. Instead there were three stunning women, each looking at him with a feral, seductive look in their eye. Sawyer's heart began to beat faster, first with fear and then with growing lust as he surveyed the women.

The first had soft, light blonde hair, hanging in styled waves to her collar bone. Her pale blue eyes shone in the twilight, the glitter make up surrounding them only serving to illuminate them further. Her full lips were painted in baby pink lip gloss, and she slowly, seductively ran her tongue over her lower lip, giving subtle promises of what was to come. She wore nothing but a short, black lacy camisole, her rosy nipples peaking through the almost sheer fabric. The second woman contrasted the first almost completely. Her vibrant red hair was heavily styled, parts brushing her jawline, the rest expertly styled in layers which flicked out teasing the air as she moved. Her green eyes were lined in black kohl eyeliner, flicked out to the side of her eyes, giving her an exotic, feline quality. Her lips were scarlet, and they were curved in a smile which promised pain and pleasure. Her upper body was covered in a red and black bask, the material shimmering in the light, lacing up the front, giving tantalizing glimpses of her creamy flesh. Her legs were covered by thigh high boots, the stiletto heels rasing her several inches above the other women, leading up to a leather, micro mini skirt, the slits up the side revealing nothing underneath. The third woman's jet black hair fell in ringlets to her waist, caressing the fullness of her ass as she moved. Her dark brown, almost black eyes were framed by long, thick eyelashes and she gazed at him from beneath them, her golden lips curving into a smile, her bronze skin glowing on the lamp light. Her black, lacy bra accentuated her ample chest, creating delicious golden mounds that just begged to be explored. His gaze traveled done to her flat stomach, swallowing hard as he glanced over her matching lace thong.

The dark haired woman moved towards him and the other two followed, their movements strangely in synch with each other. He found himself unable to move, unable to think of anything other than the three women descending upon him. He watched with fear and longing as the dark haired woman stood in front of him and lowered her golden lips onto his, caressing him with slowly yet confidently. He closed his eyes and he could feel the other two pressed behind him. Hands trailed inside his shirt, tracing delicate patterns against his flesh, tickling the patch of hair below his navel. He felt hands unbutton his shirt, and it was only when the dark haired woman pulled away that he opened his eyes. Her lips were full from kissing and he watched as she glanced at other two women before they began to lower him towards the bed, pulling his shirt down his arms as they got there.

The blonde replaced the dark haired woman in front of him, and he felt a twinge of panic as he realised she couldn't be more than twenty years old. But these thoughts vanished as she pressed up against him, lowering him on his back on the bed, her small, pert breasts crushing against his bare chest. She straddled his waist as he fell to the bed, her lips finding his as she kissed his slowly, teasingly. Her glossed lips tasted sweet and fruity, almost like strawberries. The thought brought him back to himself for a moment and he pulled away from the blonde. There was something important connected to that taste, some vague memory of him having those thoughts before, he knew in the back of his mind it was important, that he needed to remember, but his thoughts were interrupted by the sensation a weight on his legs, of delicate hands slowly unbuttoning his jeans. His thoughts switched to his present situation, his mind silently begging for her to release the almost painful hardness that lay beneath. The red haired women slowly slid her hand inside his jeans, not releasing him fully yet, lightly teasing the soft hardness beneath. He let out an involuntary moan and captured the blonde's lips again, his hands sliding up inside her camisole, cupping her breasts roughly, teasing the rosy nipples to taut peaks. The blonde sighed and moaned, only increasing his desire. He moaned into her mouth as the red head finally pulled down his jeans, releasing him fully. He felt her wet mouth descend on him, her wet tongue making him write beneath her. The black haired woman crawled towards the bed, her bra gone. Her full heavy breasts pressed against him as she replaced the blonde's mouth of his. He kissed her fervently, but couldn't help but leave her lips to utter a surprised moan as the red head stopped her attention with her mouth and lowered her self suddenly upon him. Her wet, tightness enveloped him as he began to instinctively thrust, her high moans gracing the air. Her moans were joined by another and he looked towards her, seeing the blonde's back pressed up against her, the red head's hands underneath the camisole, the blonde's head thrown back in desire. He moved his mouth to the black haired woman's breasts, his mouth capturing her nipple as his hands moved to trace her lacy thong. He'd never felt so erotic in his life, never to turned on he thought he would combust. These sensations were incredible, like nothing he'd ever experienced before, the ultimate fantasy.

All of a sudden his mind flashed to a memory. The high flames of a fire illuminating her pale skin, her head thrown back in wanton desire, a sheer sheen on sweat covering her body from the endless exertion of pleasure. Her brown hair, was wild against he canopy of trees, her small moans and the motion of her hips taking him to new dizzying heights. She leans over, her brown eyes reflecting not only the fire, but everything he's ever wanted in his life.

"I love you, James."

His eyes flew open and this time when they fall on the women around him he is filled with disgust and loathing for them, the pleasure turned to horror at what they were making him feel, what they were helping him forget.

"No!" he shouted, whether out loud or in his head he didn't know, his voice filled with panic. He went to push the women off him, to get far away from them, but when he reached out, they were gone. He lay on the bed, fully clothed and the brown haired woman's blue eyes were gazing down at him.

He wasn't sure whether he was scared or pleased to see her.

"What's going on? What's happening to me?" Sawyer cried as he sat up on the bed.

The woman just smiled at him. "You have passed the first test, James. Congratulations. Carnal pleasures, devoid of emotion mean nothing to you anymore. You wish to remain pure, thinking of, belonging only to her. It is the first step. You pass all three tests and you will be rewarded with the ultimate gift. You fail, and you loose forever the only thing that has ever meant anything to you." She looks at him sadly for a moment. "Come, we must move on." She gestures to the door and Sawyer follows, her cryptic message still ringing in her ears.


	50. Chapter 50

In complete and utter bewilderment he followed her through the motel room door, her white dress brushing the ground, the patterns moving in their odd and disconcerting way. He was mesmerised by the image that had flashed into his mind, of this beautiful woman with her wild brown curls, illuminated above him in the fire light. The woman who tasted like strawberries and loved him.

He longed to remember her name, to remember how he knew he, to remember if she was even real. How could anybody like her love someone like him.

As the passed through the door Sawyer was shocked by the sudden cold wind that bit into him and the pounding rain that fell to the concrete parking lot with a barely contained violence. He gazed around him and had a strange sense of de ja vu, like he had been to this place before but couldn't quite place it.

It was night and the moon was hidden behind dense clouds, causing the sky to appear black and threatening. The only light was from the few oddly placed streetlights, giving everything a sickly glow.

Sawyer stared up at the mysterious woman, but she was gone.

Suddenly he noticed movement and a man emerged from behind some kind of trailer. Sawyer took a step forward and realised it was shrimp trunk and the man was heading towards a dumpster with a large bag in his hand.

Sawyer took a few more steps forward for a closer look at the man and the memory hit him.

He's sitting a bar, the smell of sweat and smoke and beer all around him. His vision blurs from the almost empty bottle of whisky sitting beside him as he stares down at a photo of a man, Frank Sawyer, the man who he has been hunting his whole life, the man who stripped him of everything pure and good in his life, the man he had sworn to kill.

In front of him now Frank Sawyer is whistling to himself, throwing out the trash from another day of work, and an awful rage tears its way through him, so powerful it's as if everything is tinted red, eating away at him, throwing the brown haired woman from his dreams out of his thoughts and replacing it with a life time of hate.

Before he registers he's moving he is striding towards the man, reaching fro a gun he knows is stuck in the waistband of his jeans. All he can think of is pain, of the pain he felt when he heard those gunshots, of the horror and repulsion that wracked its way through his body when he heard the gunshot and watched the ruby blood drip in front of him in the deafening silence.

HE had done this to him, HE had made him the man he was, HE took everything away from him, and now he would finally get what was coming to him. That little boy would get the revenge he had dreamt about.

"Sawyer," he finds himself saying, his voice gruff with the pain and anger that is coursing through him and he sees the man turn towards him, turning after hearing HIS name called. Sawyer raises the gun, points and …

Soft feminine laughter pierces the silence. He turns, momentarily distracted and sees the woman again, that beautiful woman from his memory, her brown hair shining in the sun, her freckles even more pronounced. She's gazing down at him from a rock, about to jump into the water below. The sound of the rain around him becomes the sound of a waterfall rushing behind him and he finds himself climbing towards this woman, desperate to touch her. She just smiles down at him mischievously, letting him get close before sticking her tongue out at him and jumping. He feels panic tear through him momentarily then sees her head pop up from the water, her brown hair slicked back. She notices him staring and waves, beckoning him down. He goes to jump…

Suddenly it's as if he's back in his body, the rain hammering down, but he's so utterly drenched and cold he can't feel it any more. His arm outstretched with the gun pointing straight at the man, who has frozen in fear in front of him, falling against the dumpster. Sawyer's hand shakes as his finger moves to squeeze the trigger, the rage coming back to him now, his life's mission almost fulfilled.

He stares into the man's eyes, sees the tears and the way his body in tensed, waiting for the blow of the bullet. He hand shakes more, he tells himself it's just the cold and goes to pull the trigger again.

But he can't. He can't bring himself to do it, can't bring himself to end this pathetic, cowering man's life. He knows it won't make it better, it won't heal him or change anything.

He falls to his knees and lets the gun drop, uttering a strangled cry.

Then a bright light hit him, so bright he could barely open his eyes against it. The rain vanished and was replaced by the feel of the sun on his back and a cool breeze.

He was faced again by the mysterious woman gazing down at him.

"I don't understand," Sawyer said, his pain reflected in his voice. "What's happening to me?"

"You didn't let your hate blind you, you believed that man had wronged you and believed the only way to stop your pain was to end his life. But you realised that what is done is done, his death will not cause yours to lessen, only increase. By realising that you saved the life of an innocent man." She gently brought her hand to his and helped him up. "You have passed the second test James, the final one approaches. If you are strong enough and worthy of being the man she needs you to be, your life will be restored to you. If you fail, you will never see her again."

"But who is she?" he cried, desperate to know this woman, the one who fills him with life and warmth.

"If you are strong James, you will meet her again, it is all I can say. Now, come."

She turns and he sees a simple farm house, surrounded by beautiful woodland. The sun is high in the sky and reflects off the nearby lake. As withy the parking lot, there is something so familiar about this house, something he can't quite place.

He follows her up the porch steps, passing the bench with its pile of books beside it and through the door, stepping into a wide living space.

He looks around and it hits him. He's home.

The kitchen smells of freshly baked bread and he can hear a gentle humming coming from inside it. He walks across the simple rug on the floor and past the cosy, family living room and stops dead when he sees inside the kitchen.

The woman is facing the oven, her sun streaked light blonde hair pulled into a messy bun on the back of her head. She wear a pair of faded jeans and a blue sweater, a colour he knows she loves because it matches the colour of her eyes, of _his_ eyes.

She turns around, the bread in her hand wrapped in an oven mitt and the warmth and love in her gaze almost brings him to his knees.

"James, my darling, you're home!" his mother cries, and places the bread on the side before rushing over to him, places her hands gently on each side of his face.

"Well look at you, you're so handsome! I always knew you would be, I used to say to your father, 'bless those poor girls, they aren't going to know what hits them when he grows up.' I always knew you'd come home one day."

She pulls her towards him and pulls him into a gentle hug. She smells just like he remembers, of everything that is good a right in this world, of sunshine and grass and home. He wraps his arms around her tightly and finds fine trembles running through him. His mother, he dreamed of her so often at first, before experience hardened him against it. All he wanted, all he dreamed about was to see her again, to see her smile and feel her arms around him.

He can't believe this is happening, that his dreams are coming true.

Then he hears footsteps behind him, the sound of cowboy boots against a hard wood floor.

His mother slowly draws away from him.

"Your fathers home," she says, and if possible her smile widens even further. "He's going to be so excited to see you again!"

He watched as his mother walks towards the door and runs into the arms of a large brown haired man, listens to her delighted laughter as he picks her up and kisses her. He hears muffled conversation and then his father enters the room, his brown eyes gaze looking down at him.

"Welcome home son," he says, his voice almost a mirror of his own, his eyes filled with warmth, then he is wrapped up in another, briefer hug as his father takes him into his arms.

He hasn't said a word, doesn't think he can, all he can do is stand and stare at the image of his parents, his parents who he thought he'd lost forever standing in front of him, young and bright and in love, just how he remembers before his Dad went away and that horrible night…

"James, come and sit down, you must be starving and I baked this especially. I know you like to help me, but there will be plenty of time for that now you're back. Now we're together again."

He finds himself walking over to the table and dropping into one of the chairs, a plate of piled sandwiches in front of him, crusts cut off with plenty of butter, just how he'd eaten them when he was young. He looked up and saw his parents lovingly gazing down at him, their arms around each other. He felt their warmth over take him, he let it sink in, the finally the pain was over. He was home.

Suddenly he could hear the faint sound of a baby crying. He ignored it at first, thought at first it must be the neighbours or something, but the noise only increased. He glanced at his parents but they seemed unmoved by the noise, as if the couldn't hear it.

Slowly he got to his feet and moved into the hallway where the noise got louder. He walked towards a closed door and the noise got louder still, with a frown he opened the door and froze at the sight.

She was back, the woman with the freckles. Only this time she looked more beautiful than ever, her brown hair in loose curls falling around her face, her bright eyes shining with love and warmth as she walked over to the cradle beside the simple bed.

"It's okay baby, it's okay," she whispers, picking up the child from the cradle and placing it in her arms. Her voice is enchanting, soft and melodious and she gazes down at the little bundle in her arms. Without even realising it he moves forward, towards her, afraid he might startle her, but unable to keep away.

But she doesn't notice him, doesn't see him. She only gazes at the baby, _her _baby, as it becomes obvious when he sees the child closely. Round brown eyes, almost too large for the face stare back at her, framed by dark lashes. Smatterings of freckles cover the child's nose and as she smiles up at her mother, he sees the dimples in her cheeks deepen. Well, those don't come from her mother he can see as she gazes down at he child. Neither does the bright blonde hair, although the soft curls are hers.

The sight before him is beautiful, he knows he should feel guilty for gazing at them in this voyeuristic way, but he can't tear his eyes away from them, as If they are the most vital and important things in the universe, the only things that matter.

The baby grows restless again, and squirms in her mother's arms.

"I know baby, I miss him too," the woman says as she tears her gaze away, and suddenly he sees a sadness reflected in her eyes, one he wishes he could take away at any cost. "He would love you so much, I know he would." She says, staring into the distance. "You look so much like him, I knew could would, and as much as I thought it would pain me, I'm gad, glad that every time I see you I see him. I can just imagine the nick names you'd have, hardly any need to give you a proper name because he'd never use it." She smiles, some of the sadness gone now. "He'd be a good father to you; he'd love you more than anything in the world. One day, when he's ready he'll wake up he'll be here and we'll be a family, a proper family.."

He feels tears running down his cheeks and he doesn't know why. He can't imagine who wouldn't want these two, who would stay away from them, who would purposely be without them.

"Shall we go say hello to Daddy my darling?" the woman asks and laughs when she gets a delighted giggle from the child.

He follows them out of another door and into a brightly lit hallway then through another door, but stops in shock and horror when he sees the figure lying in the bed.

He staggers forward and gazes at the man's blonde hair, slightly longer than he usually kept it, as if it was in need to a trim. As always there was stubble, even after shaving it never seemed to go away completely. He started down at his own image lying motionless before him and watches as the woman sits on a chair beside his motionless form and lightly brushes her lips over his. The baby crawls up on the bed and gently tugs on his hair, causing the woman to smile and stroke the baby's curls, an identical colour to his own.

He blinks back tears as realisation hits him, this woman, this beautiful woman loves him and cradles their baby against him. She is his past, his present, his future, his life. And he won't be robbed of her, he won't let anything keep them apart anymore.

He rushes out of the door and finds himself back the house of his childhood.

"James, we were so afraid you'd left us again!" his mother cried as she throws her arms around him. "We missed you so much, stay here with us, you're home mow my precious boy, you'll never loose us again. This is how it's meant to be."

He breathes in and let's his mother hold him. The temptation to give in, to stay in her arms forever is so strong it almost overwhelms him, almost causes him to allow himself to be steered back into the chair, to eat the meal before him and curl up in his own bed. But behind his closed eyes he sees her, his woman, his love, his wife, his…_Freckles_.

He breaks away from his mother's hold, ignores the cries behind him as he rushes out of the door. The sun is setting now behind the trees and rolling hills, and he frantically gazes for the woman in white, the woman who brought him here.

"Please," he cries out, "please help me! How do I get back? I want her, I want that future with her, I want my baby!"

No reply only the breeze whispering softly against him.

Suddenly he can hear a voice, soft and melodious.

"I miss you so much James."

He closes his eyes and he can feel something beneath him, as if he's lying down somewhere soft and warm.

"I was so frightened at first," the voice continues, "how could I be a mother, after everything I've done? Then when I thought about it, I could see this picture, could imagine the three of us together." She's close now, so close he can almost feel her breath on his skin. "The more I thought about it the stronger this picture got, until I saw it every time I closed my eyes. And every time I was scared, every time I thought I couldn't do this I saw this picture. We're on the beach, the three of us. I'm sitting on the sand laughing so hard I can barely breathe watching you chase this little girl around the beach. She's so small, only a few years old, but still she's beating you. You're trying to get her to wear a hat, the sun's so bright and you're worried, you're always worrying by the way, I tell you it will make you go grey and you get very offended. She's stubborn though, our daughter and won't be told, I suppose that's to be expected, coming from a child of ours, and she won't wear it so you just chase her around and around. Her brown hair bobs in the wind; she looks like you by the way, almost entirely but has my hair…"

"She's blonde," he says, surprised by the gruff sound of his voice, as if he hasn't uttered a word in a long time. He opens his eyes and sees her, the woman, his freckles. She started down at him, her eyed open wide, tears already beginning to form in the corners. "And you're wrong, she looks just like you, only she has my dimples and hair."

Suddenly he is cut off by her mouth descending on his and he tastes her sweet strawberry taste and feels her hair brush over him.

"James?" she cries as she pulls away …


End file.
